Being used for sex

[Confused12344]

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

For the people who have been through similar .. how did it eventually end ? Did they get in contact ? And what did you do if they did?

If you block them they can't get in contact, and you don't have to hope or worry that they do.

The end.

Mine wouldn'tve lowered his ego to calling round to my house, but if he did I wouldn't have answered the door.

How it ended is MN helped me realize what he was like after I made a thread, plus as he gradually was getting less of what he wanted he made his motives clear more and more by going on and on about sex even more and stuff.

I didn't even know what was going on for ages, I thought he was one of my closest friends.

You know what's going on. So you know what to do. Draw the line and block. xx

I ended it . From what I've read they will string you along forever. I believe mine got kicks out of my being angry more than anything else so used to do things to hurt me . They don't like to see you happy , calm or at peace . That's not even close to being a goal for them .

So , it gets worse , you forgive bad behaviour , they treat you worse to get a reaction . That's my experience .

Block , I know the situation about work but do you have a work email or something he can contact you on if necessary and let him know you will report anything improper?

But you have to get this vile , abusive , manipulative creature away from you .

He is not your friend

And I am sorry to say this , but he doesn't even like you . (Nothing to do with you , he probably doesn't even like himself ).

You can do this

Xxxx

@Intersted I have also felt than he is just talking about sex even more and more these days literally every conversation turns to it. Even when he unblocked me the first time it took a matter of
Hours after not taking for nearly two months for next to be mentioned

They might find another way to contact. Eg: posting a long rambelling letter through your door. Usually its very 'me me me'.

Or they might vanish without a trace because their ego cant stand being dumped.

Or they might slander you to everyone who will listen. Make you out to be crazy ect...

Or they might persuade mutual friends to put in the good word for them. Perhaps pretending to be soooooo sorry. So these people start telling you to give him another chance because he appears to have learned his lesson.

Or you may find they bump into you years later and treat you as if you are an old friend who they somehow just lost contact with.

Or they may claim that they will harm themselves (if you dont block contact) without you.

Or various combinations of all the above.

Oh - or ask to remain friends.
(Fuck that shit. As pp said: they are not your friend)

For those asking about work .. we work in the same large company are no longer in the same team and we don’t actually have any interactions with each other so he would never need to email me unless it was a way to contact me.. I sometimes would see him At the office but rarely

Rip up any letters without reading. Ask any friends not to tell you anything he says (unless you want to know) etc etc or think of other tactics. xx

Am sending you a PM OP xx

@Confused12344 I was the poster who went to a swingers' club, something so far removed from anything I really wanted to do. He used to tell me I was like a block of wood in bed .... my self worth was so low that I lapped it up. I used to cry in the car on the way home in the morning. You asked how it ended. He realised that I was developing feelings for him, and this made me less attractive. So his calls or texts became more spaced apart. In the end, though, my daughter (who had never met him) blocked his number on my phone. I didn't realise until some time afterwards and I was angry, but she said very simply that I was terribly unhappy when I came home from seeing him and that I deserved more. She was 18 at the time and studying psychology.... so not the finest ending but the right one. I wish that I had come to my senses earlier but the end result was the same.

@Lobsterquadrille2 @Confused12344 Mine got me into going to 'adult cinemas'- this was far nastier than any swingers' club I've even been to. Really decrepit old guys (no other women there usually as it's too seedy.) He got stroppy during 'normal' sex a bit in the end. Mainly I just didn't want to lose his friendship- but turns out it was fake anyway.

Shame you didn't get a chance to end it, but your daughter did you a massive favour. xxx

I started likening it to the death of a loved one. Because after someone dies, you will never see them again. And people manage to get through that heartbreak every day and keep going. I appreciate it sounds harsh and I'm sorry, I don't want to upset anybody, but when you are able you need to pretend he is dead. Tell yourself there is no going back, because you can't. It does make things easier.

Realize how uncomfortable/horrible he makes you feel. x

Other things I haven’t added is that he would also try and encourage me to date other guys and to talk to them and sometimes I would lie and say I was to see if he cared and then he’d constantly text about it asking how the ‘dates’ went etc ..

when I told him I didn’t understand why he did that if we were sleeping together why would he want me to date others?? he’d say don’t ask him questions and he doesn’t understand why I do things I do but doesn’t ask me and ‘such is life ‘

I told him us sleeping together and talking so much ( I forgot to add he would text me all the time asking about my day etc most days all day everyday till early hours ) was stopping me meeting other ppl to which he would say ‘nothing we are doing is stopping you from doing what you want I have never and will never tell you not to date or talk to other men’

Yep, that's the sort of thing they do. Disgusting wankers.

Mine wanted to know everything about any other lovers I had and would encourage me to have them. It turned him on to hear every detail of when I'd been with someone.

He also tried to make me make a profile for us on Fabswingers (he's bi, which is fine in itself, I'm bi myself.) He tried to get me to make this profile to attract lovers for us/him. He wouldn'tve put his photo on there as it wouldn'tve attracted anyone for a start lol. (I'm not gorgeous but he's not conventionally attractive at all, and not well endowed.) I didn't get round to making this profile but happened to have my own from a time in the past.

He tried to make me have a threesome with his other lover who was 20 years older than me and I wasn't attracted to her at all. I just sat there and had a glass of wine while they had 'sex' and I managed to avoid joining in.

I just remembered an incident- we had msged a bloke we'd met before at the adult cinema but when he was just there chatting to the owner.

The bloke came into the cinema and sat in front of us. He said something like he was up for it with me (I think) but said to 'Bob' 'No offence mate, but you don't do it for me.' He had to leave after a while. I don't think Bob heard him.

This incident was jarring because I had convinced myself Bob was absolutely gorgeous. He wasn't and that pierced the veil for me for a moment, and amused me as Bob hadn't heard.

Urgh, mine did similar. Went from being super jealous to saying I should date other people as well as him and it didn't bother him. He even made jokes about it. It's completely fucked up.

I recommend looking up trauma bonding as someone else has suggested. It's really helped me to know that what I felt for him wasn't love. The next few weeks might be hard OP, but you will thank yourself in the end. This is the first step to regaining your self respect. I will never, NEVER ignore those red flags in a relationship like I did with him. I wanted him to be better person and believed that he could be. But he just...wasn't.

I forgot to add he would text me all the time asking about my day etc most days all day everyday till early hours

@Confused12344 Yep, that too. It's manipulative narcissism designed to keep you hooked and have you doing everything they want. It was virtually a full time job for my ex, charming numerous women to keep his irons in the fire in the hope of getting sex out of them or having them turn to him (which also boosted his ego.)

All these things are sources of narcissistic supply.

I had something happens that feels similar to what you are saying about asking if you are seeing someone and acting like they are fine about that or even want it to happen .. I feel sick on your behalf .

I just wanted it to be me and him , like he would feel about me the way I felt about him ..... The whole world disappeared . I only saw him . I realise now I saw only him because he tricked me but I still feel heartbroken about it .

I think they do it because they know how you feel about them and it hurts you . He does it to hurt you , he might get some sick sadistic pleasure as well but he wants to hurt you .

When I think if mine now , I remember how he used to watch me sometimes like measuring my reaction? And when I got upset he never said the right things to soothe me? He liked to upset me .

And it fucked with my head . How could someone I adored want to hurt me . This must be me , I'm imagining it .... This can't be real . But it's true , people like this exist

And when I got upset he never said the right things to soothe me? He liked to upset me

CrazyDays- Wow, I never thought of it that way, but it's true. Sometimes he would be supportive but other times he would (maybe deliberately) say the wrong thing if I was upset about something in my life, and make me more upset by being nasty etc.

Literally @interested and @CrazyDaysAndMondays everything you are both saying just sounds so similar to my situation..

He would seem happy to if he thought I was meeting someone else, he would seem like he wanted me to he also said once I get a bf he ‘knows’ I will continue to sleep with him and would happily be my bit on the side if said bf was to piss me off. I feel like he would say as much as possible to make me think shit he really does not give two fuks about me does he.

Unlike you though crazy I don’t adore this guy.. I like the idea of who he was when we first met which I guess is what I try and fight to get back but that isn’t who he is.

Mine started to not even stay over anymore at one point he was coming as late as possible and leaving at like 4/5am straight after we’d had sex.. once I got really upset about this to the point of tears he sat there on the bed and said absolutely nothing.. only to text me the next day acting as if nothing. Has happened asking how I slept ??? Like what the fukk

Interestedwoman ....

The thing I've started realising . And this is a new thought ... I considered him to be emotionally immature as he hurt me so often. I thought that it couldn't possibly be intentional and he would learn not to hurt me because he loved me so much .....

But I've realised that in a lot of ways he is the master of emotional manipulation and I'm not even good enough to be called a student . I'm a child in this regard... I would go into an argument with him and he was always able to say the exact thing that hurt me the most . So yes he lacked empathy (this bastard had none) but was he really emotionally immature? ... Because he played me like a fiddle . And I'm not stupid .....

It's something I'm thinking about anyway ...

Confused ... I've read a lot about toxic relationships and a fair bit about narcissism and I've been thinking about this so much ... But this man you have been with scares me more than anyone I've read about. He does. I really think he sounds truly vicious and you need to protect yourself . I'm not saying he will physically attack you but I know he will emotionally and sexually violate you until you don't care about anything else. Please , don't contact him again . Keep posting . Treat this as a diary with people offering support . Xxxxxx

@crazy it’s really weird because I never truely thought he was this bad untill I posted here.. my friends had made comments before about how they feel he’s a narc and one said he sounds quite sadistic in his approach to sex.. but cos he never really tried to control me in the classic ways I assumed such as financially where I went and who I was with etc and didn’t seem to care if I met other guys I just thought he was a typical man who wanted sex.

he acts really nice to other ppl.. when I told my work friends who I am close with who know him too they were completely and utterly shocked at his behaviour towards me.. he comes across as really sweet and innocent at work.

I’ve called him out on his behaviour the fact it’s all his way and he’s in control and he just says ‘you like dominant men’ hes not even a man he’s a boy he’s two years younger than me and this is why it’s even worse !

he said it turns him on when I get angry at him and makes him want to have sex with me even more.

Well Mumsnet has saved me and there are going to be people who say that it's full of women who want to split up relationships and don't like men.

But that's really not true . They see things because they have been through it and they want to help you to be safe and get out of an awful situation.

Toxic relationships and emotional abuse can be impossible to understand from the outside , it's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't lived through it how damaging it can be . Your friends will mean well and want to help you but they can't see what's going on . Starting to learn about this , through reading and posting maybe starting counselling? It will begin to make sense to you and then you can find the words to explain it to them ...

But just know , I am glad you posted about him and I want you to keep posting and getting support xxxx

BLOCK HIM

Unlike you though crazy I don’t adore this guy.. I like the idea of who he was when we first met which I guess is what I try and fight to get back but that isn’t who he is.

This is classic for victims of narcissistic abuse. I'm doing the Freedom Programme and met a lot of women like it. For them it's still love, though. If you've started to truly realize it's all a lie, then I think you're not far away from blocking.

The initial bit is 'love bombing' and means you tolerate the later fuckery.

Mine started to not even stay over anymore at one point he was coming as late as possible and leaving at like 4/5am straight after we’d had sex

A different one I had years ago but slightly similar. I was 19 and still a complete romantic. Awww. I was in wub with him. He walked into my flat, kept his boots on, unzipped, shagged me and left!!!11111 And I said nothing in argument.

IDK about you 'guys,' but I need to stop letting them do this. Well ok maybe we can't stop them doing a thing but we can block them at the very first sign of disrespect or antics.

was he really emotionally immature? Because he played me like a fiddle .

They're not thick. Mine works as a therapist, he has a Ph.D in this stuff. It just means he's honed how to fuck with people a little- although they're not always master-manipulators either, but we don't block early enough.

Confused:- Crazy is right. I mean, slagging you off while he's fucking you. I'm not lying, I think that's one of the worst things I ever heard. And it can't be good for you.

cos he never really tried to control me in the classic ways I assumed such as financially where I went and who I was with etc and didn’t seem to care if I met other guys I just thought he was a typical man who wanted sex.

My one was like this. Mostly ''just'' obsessed with sex although he likes ego strokes in other ways too like making people emotionally reliant on him despite how crap he can be to those he can get away with it with.

You may find there were a couple of other little ways he tried to make you do things you didn't want to do, and controlled you. They mightn't be obvious. Are there some people he's banned you from telling he has sex with you? Are there any other little things you've told him you don't like and he tries to get you to do, or little ways he tries to push you to do things you don't want? The things can be really meaningless, they're just so the narcs get that buzz of power. Has he ever made you say a thing you both know isn't true but you say to appease him? You could think about stuff, to help show yourself further what he's like.

But you're right, mine was mainly obsessed with sex too. But then he was doing this with loads of women and men while he's married. His wife knows nothing about it. He gives all the women numerous lies about his marriage to make them sympathetic to him.

he said it turns him on when I get angry at him and makes him want to have sex with me even more.

He sees you as a hole. Well , a hole attached to a muppet he can emotionally crush. Two types of fun combined for him! He's absolutely awful.

When're you going to press those block buttons?

What can we do to help you take that step?

Please chat more about whatever comes up for you so we can try and help you draw the line. xxx