Being used for sex

[Confused12344]

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

@Interested I know quite a bit about love bombing and have been loved bombed in the past by others.. this one did it a lot more subtly than others have though.. I don’t know if You saw in my previous msgs I think I did say but I have blocked him.. I blocked him after I sent the final msg on SM earlier telling him to never contact me again. He’s now completely blocked from everywhere only form of contact he could try is work email.

God he kept his boots on I don’t mean to laugh but lool! How bloody awful ! I’m sure this one would do that if he could.. he lives an hours drive from me though so it’s not too convenient to not stay over or I’m sure he’d be doing that !

Yeah the boring comment during sex was recent and made me feel pretty shit and I was just shocked but. Carried on doing what I was doing. !!. I asked him how he’d have felt if I’d have said that to him and he said ‘wouldnt have cared at all’

As for other little things yes he didn’t want anyone at work to know we were sleeping together at first and got quite annoying when he found out our mutual friends knew. He still doesn’t like me telling them stuff now. I put that down to it being a work thing and everyone knows they can get messy even with the nicest person. .. he knows I don’t like it when he says certain words and responses to msgs but he continues to say them anyway... he knows I hate it when he comes round really late and still does it and turns up 2 hours after said time.

WOO HOO! Well done for blocking him xxx So happy, I think you should have some sort of treat to celebrate soon. Honestly, I feel like having a party for you.

God he kept his boots on I don’t mean to laugh but lool!

I know lol!

asked him how he’d have felt if I’d have said that to him and he said ‘wouldnt have cared at all’

Oh I bet he would though. Anything that isn't telling them they're a God they can't stand, even if they maybe hide it sometimes.

he knows I don’t like it when he says certain words and responses to msgs but he continues to say them anyway

WOW! I had an 'argument' with mine about that exact thing. I could say something that needed more of a reply and he would just put 'ok.' I explained how this came across to me and he accused me of narcissistically trying to get him to play by my rules. (!) And said he would continue to say 'ok.'

he knows I hate it when he comes round really late and still does it and turns up 2 hours after said time.

You forgot to put all this in the past tense. Honestly, I will be using you (not in a narcissistic way though) as an excuse to have a drink tomorrow.

How do you feel now? Sorry if I somehow missed some posts.

Haha thanks ! I will defo be having a drink to celebrate but bloody can’t get drunk as thats a danger zone atm!

Yeah I think I also made him feel like god ! I would tell him how amazing the sex was etc Cos I knew if I did he would keep on texting and texting even though the sex was good it wasn’t half as good as I made out. I would literally tell him his penis is the best ever ! OMG it’s cringe !.

Yess exactly the same with the message and the ‘ok’ responses! He would say thinks like ‘ok’ or ‘Noted’ which I fukin hated and he just carried on and didn’t give two shits lol.

I feel okay.. the test will be if he gets in contact which I don’t think would be for a long time even if he does

My ex who was 15 years older was like this I was younger and naive at one point he blocked me for 9 days that was the last straw for me and I got some self respect .

I blocked him then the phone calls came then the driving past my house. We went on a few more dates as I stopped shagging him but I couldn't see what I saw in him anymore old man with the beginnings of ED he got dumped I told him he should look for someone else as I'm not interested in the kind of thing he wants. He still asks for another chance 9 months later which is a complete U turn with how he used to treat me !!!

@Interestedwoman oh my God, I actually did have a joint profile with mine on fabswingers. He was constantly trying to make me agree to introducing another person - I had a few email conversations with other, er, members but that was it.

And the boring in bed part - he said that all the time. Called me frigid and expressed surprise that I hadn't been told that before. I actually contacted a couple of former partners to elicit their views and shared their replies with him.

@Confused12344 well done on blocking! And for posting this and realising how bad it has been. I didn't tell anyone about mine, and haven't really talked about it since then.

All this blocking and unblocking seems very immature
I would just carry on as normal (I know it's hard)
But you are better than this!

I think it would be better not to contact him outside work,
See that you have read his messages but dnt respond.
You deserve so much better, dnt let him use you.
Show him you dnt need him and keeep yourself busy x

@Riv12345 I can see how the blocking and unblocking can seem immature to some ppl.. I have never blocked him before this is the first time .It is him who has blocked and unblocked me I never even blocked him the first time he blocked me.

I simply now have to block him because I’m not in a Place where I can just ignore his messages as it’s too soon and he can easily lure me back in. Me reading and ignoring him would bother him way more than blocking him and make him come On stronger and then make it harder for me

He still asks for another chance 9 months later which is a complete U turn with how he used to treat me!

@Bahahahha From all we've heard, this ilk usually revert to type if someone takes them back, don't they?

And yes, the ED. And yet we pretend/trick ourselves into thinking the sex is amazing.

In a similar situation OP, particularly the blocking and unblocking.. it hurts so much.

I simply now have to block him because I’m not in a Place where I can just ignore his messages as it’s too soon and he can easily lure me back in

But why? What have you honestly got from this 'relationship'? No care, no thought, no friendship, no kindness and certainly no love.
Just a huge hit to your self-esteem.

Remind yourself of that whenever he comes to mind.

Just to say, they dont always love bomb either! Sometimes they actl...disinterested or start straight from arrogant git mode. Instead of putting you on the pedestal they may put themselves on it. And make you feel lucky to have any of their time and attention. Luckily, that nonsense is a lot more off-putting in the beginning. But sometimes it's a little more subtle so you dont spot it. Or you are already in a shit place because of the last one ect... so, wise to watch out.

If you ever watched celebs go dating, Gemma Colins is a great example in her episodes. In one she was meant to be going away for a few days with her date...but she decides not to go and doesn't even phone him to cancel! Just leaves him standing there on the platform. Of course you don't know how much of it is acted for dramatic affect. But her episodes are an eye opener for spotting 'I'm better than everyone and you should be thankful I'm giving you any of my time' narcissists. Think there are youtube clips.

Just incase you are expecting lovebombing and think 'well he doesnt so he cant be...' I think around half of them dont. So it pays to listen to the little things they say and do in the start.

@Nanny0gg not to sound rude but have you read some of the things the other posters who have been through similar have said ?

it’s really not as easy as saying but why he doesn’t do x y z he’s made you feel this way etc. he manipulated me into feeling the way I do and over quite a period of time (2 years or more ).

unfortunately these people have holds over us and know that they do.. and they play on it and are clever with it he obviously doesn’t send me abuse and tell me how awful I am ! They lure your back in.

so right now for me considering this is all very fresh yes I would find it hard to ignore his messages if he started To do that

He is abusing you because you are letting him. Block him and delete all contact details. Do your best to avoid him as much as possible and keep any interaction strictly professional, and if he does or says anything inappropriate at work , report him immediately.

Finally, understand that some men are sexual predators , some actually keep records and have a tick box list.complete with pics on their mobile. There are even groups who share this within their peer group.

Be aware and protect yourself.

@Confused12344 A lot of people don't read a full thread at first, they just reply to the original post.

@Bunnymumy True, or they vary between being wankers and charming. The trick is, as you say, to spot arseholery and block early on.

OP has blocked him.

And yeh you can cut off a contact because you know it's what you have to do but that doesnt mean you also immediately succeed in cutting off all feelings on the matter too. And clearly the creep knows how to manipulate people so it can take time to get your boundaries back to where they were after ppl like that in your life. Even when you know the score.

Can I also just make it clear to everyone saying block him.. I have blocked him

Well carry on as you are then

Problem solved

Well carry on as you are then. Problem solved

Precisely, "Ad meliora".

This will sound massively harsh but sorry, it needs to be said. You really haven't valued yourself at all. You can't control him but you CAN control your response to him. He is not the danger zone, YOU are because you haven't been able to say no to him. It is your call and any more pain you go through because of this dreadful person is because YOU allow it. Please treat yourself with compassion and understand the power YOU have to shape your own life.

@WhenPushComesToShove I briefly touched on this before but I will reiterate;

People have multiple locks on their front and back doors to prevent burglaries. People are instructed how to carry their bags and belongings out with them whilst walking and not to display expensive items. Cars are protected with multiple mechanisms to make sure they are not stolen. Women are told not to dress provocatively so as not to be raped.

Throughout life people are told to be alert and keep themselves safe. It doesn't change the fact that we are keeping ourselves safe FROM OTHER PEOPLE. At some point surely you have to acknowledge that people like OP and so many others are being taken advantage of by horrible people. As much as we have a responsibility to protect ourselves, the blame can't be on the person who was taken advantage of. Otherwise you're just condoning the nasty acts of unscrupulous people.

You are doing absolutely amazing OP and to everyone who is saying she needs to value herself and walk away from this man then that is what she is doing which is absolutely fucking amazing!!

But don't think for a minute that this is easy to do , it really , really isn't . These men use tactics like lovebombing ,gaslighting , triangulation , intermittent reinforcement ... They create trauma bonds and they use the sort of tactics that are used by government agencies and cults . I know that sounds ridiculous but it's not .

You are doing amazing OP, when someone has obviously just read the first post or maybe doesn't get it (no judgement in them , they are fortunate) then try to just move past it ....

I really think you should block the work email if that's what you mean.

You don't need to always be worried that you might get in touch with him (I know you can unblock someone, but still.)

@interested I am referring to work email yeah.. I have looked on there and I don’t think there is an option to block emails.. I don’t think he will email me he blocked me before I could even respond and said he was doing me a favour so I would say he really doesn’t want to talk.

Even if I blocked his email we also have an internal Skype and instant messenger platform that is company wide anyone can message anyone you don’t need to add each other etc..

I’m not going to go to the lengths of getting my IT department and work involved unless he started harassing me etc and I think his ego is way to high for that. Same with turning up at my flat etc he wouldn’t do anything like that

OP, well done for getting this far, but I’m concerned you are still vulnerable to the next shit of a man who turns up in your life.
Please will you go and have therapy or counselling, to unravel why you are so lacking in boundaries and self esteem that you would be sucked into a codependent relationship, enabling an abuser.
What was your parents’ marriage like? What did you learn about relationships as a child? Were you loved and valued for yourself, or did you have to earn your parents’ approval by being a subservient people pleaser?
Until you understand how you became this bastard’s victim, you are at risk of it happening again.
Some women repeat the pattern for their whole lives, never able to break free from their destructive mindset. They have a string of damaging relationships and years of hesrtbreak - please don’t become one of them. Get treatment, the same way you would for an addiction. Good luck.

Thanks for the concern.. I have had therapy and counselling before. I grew up in a very happy home and my parents have been together since They were teenagers. My dad adores my mum and vice versa this is nothing to do with my childhood.. however most of my friends have been and still are some of them in very toxic rships.. so it maybe something more to do with that and the type of rships my peers have that we have all normalised