Being used for sex

[Confused12344]

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

Block him. He's not the person you thought he was. I'd also tell the mutual what a cunt he is

@bunny I will have a look thank you

he has said before he doesn’t care what I say about getting pregnant (I’ve been pregnant by an ex before and forced into an abortion which he knows about ) so I’m very careful with protection .. but he said he will still not use anything And doesn’t belive in pulling out if I let him (which I don’t ).

He pressures me to not use a condom and to try things I wouldn’t usually try with other guys .. asked me to go on contraception for him (I didn’t ) when my body doesn’t really agree with it so I prefer condoms. Always wants to have sex drunk and has purposely got me blind drunk before and actually not used anything and came inside me knowing I am not on contraception !. I know it sounds so bloody awful typing this it really does.
^^

DO NOT ENTERTAIN THIS AGAIN EVER.

I agree with a pp - it's about control and manipulation, not even much about sex. How can you have feelings for someone who treats you like this? How supportive would he be if you got pregnant through these antics? Not very much is my guess.

(not envy) boke.

What a horrible person.
Normally a convo should go 'I want to use protection', 'I dont', 'well, leave then'. He doesnt get to choose. It's your body.

Gosh op he is vile.

Oh, OP, please don't let this continue. You can do better than this, he sounds absolutely vile. He won't think any better of you for you trying to be the woman you think he wants. End it now. You don't even have to give him an explanation, he certainly doesn't deserve one, but block him on everywhere he might be able to message you.

Use this thread for support and staying strong if you need to. You can do this, I promise you and one day you'll look back and be glad you did

My friend asked me to today why do I do these things and I said because I think if I do I will become the type of woman he wants but it’s true I won’t and it’s pathetic ! Thanks for all the support ! I have to do this !

OP this sounds really disturbing.

Can you speak to Rape Crisis? They have an anonymous chat line womaned by professionals who can validate what I'm about to say to you.

Getting you drunk and having sex with you without a condom is rape. You were very clear that you didn't want to have sex without condoms and he got you drunk and did it in order to overpower your defences. It was non consensual sex.

Have you had an STD test done since or taken the after morning pill?

This man is abusive OP. He is coercing you into performing sexual activities you don't want to do. He is pushing your boundaries and shutting you down when you speak up or try to maintain boundaries.

Can you please contact Rape Crisis and then see about getting some therapy for yourself. Abusive relationships cause something called 'trauma bonding'. Trauma bonding is almost like a drug addiction which is why you're finding it so hard to let go. It's very powerful and it's why many survivors of abuse find it so difficult to let go of the abusive relationship.

Please look into this, get some advice and then find some support for yourself OP. I don't need to tell you to keep away from this man as he's dangerous.

With the best will in the world he is fucking with your head more than he is actually fucking you.

Don’t be his easy option. Regain control and your self respect.

You deserve better. You do. And you know that.

They are never happy with what they have. They always have their eyes on other things. Idealising the past exs or a work colleague or a woman on tv. Or..well, just not whomever they are actually with.

@1235kbm the specific incident without the condom happened early last year so to call anyone now I think would be a bit weird ? He has got me drunk on several occasions and says I am boring If sober. He will drink on his way to see me so he is drunk when he gets here and he will sometimes literally pour drink down my neck so i get on his level.

I did take the morning after pill yes and I have had several STD tests since sleeping with him. that was the only occasion nothing was used at all.. however there’s been occasions he’s started with nothing on and called me boring etc when I’ve made him put on one and continued to call me boring throughout the duration of sex

How awful, block him on your phone and if he asks at work, tell him you met someone else that wants a relationship, you have no commitment to him.

You've already had lots of good advice OP and I really hope you're starting to feel better about yourself and your worth now.

The things you have said about his approach to sex are vile and I sincerely hope you kick him to the curb before you ever see him again.

If he proposed to you tomorrow, out of the blue, would you actually want to marry him? I imagine that deep down you know he disgusts you and there's no future with him. You can't have a future romantically until he is completely barred from your life.

You may not even want marriage or children ever and that's fine too. But you still deserve to be happy, to feel like you are worth more than an easy target to someone so slimy.

So yes. I sincerely hope that you never ever see him again. I hope you find the strength to block him. If you feel you need to have the last word, go for it. Send a text via iCloud just like he did when you blocked him. Make it potent and full of all the anger you've been bottling up. I'll help you word it!! Do whatever you need to do to feel powerful. Then spend the next few weeks forgetting who he was and remembering who you are. You have just as much right as any other woman to feel important xx

I'm very keen to know the dynamic at work, if you don't mind me asking, because from everything you have said so far I could well imagine that he is your boss/superior at work? He seems to have the means to dangle holidays and expensive gifts in front of you, if you were equals at work I don't see why you'd need that x

He thinks he has you right where he wants you.. on the end of a piece of strings.. dancing to his needs... when he gets bored with the other women... what a PIG.

No, it wouldn't be weird at all! It is entirely normal. Survivors of sexual assault and abuse may not phone a helpline or seek trauma counselling for a decade or two. It's a very difficult thing to do and you are being so brave by reaching out for advice.

What we have here is someone who is regularly sexually assaulting you. He is making you drink and have sex that you are not comfortable with, often demeaning you in the process.

I'm glad to hear that you have had an STD check. You can get free kits sent to your property for some STDs in the post, if you want to make sure.

Do you have any support OP? A friend or relative you can confide in? It really helps to have real life support that you can talk to.

There is help available for you but I suggest your first port of call is Rape Crisis who can validate what I'm saying to you and talk you through your options. There are legal options in order to keep him away from you and they can discuss those with you.

I suggest you keep all texts and Whatsapp messages then block him OP. Block his social media and block his phone/email/Whatsapp or any other chat app you use to communicate with him.

If he comes to your place, then dial 999. Do not open the door to him.

What he's done is erode your self esteem and pushed back your boundaries by calling you names and telling you how boring you are. He gets you drunk to take advantage of you. OP, he is abusive, he's a sexual criminal and he sounds practised in that this is a routine of his that he's used before.

He is using intermittent reinforcement which is a pattern of abuse that creates a strong bond that keeps you coming back. It's found in all abusive relationships.

OP please contact Rape Crisis you can find their chatline here.

Be kind to yourself. You've done nothing wrong. He's a nasty piece of work, please keep away from him.

Fuck me, what a nasty cunt he is.

"I've decided I don't want to see you anymore other than as necessary at work. Please don't contact me again unless on my work email, only about work, or I will consider it harassment as I'm making clear in this message that I don't wish to engage in any other communication with you."

Send that, block him on anything you can and my god, believe it!! Do not keep letting this arsehole get in your headspace.

I would also suggest some therapy - I can't believe the shit I used to put up with from people and therapy has been invaluable in helping me explore why I allowed myself to be treated that way.

Do you feel able to send him a message like the one above I've suggested?

And as always @1235kbm has excellent advice - an invaluable MNetter (hope you don't mind me slightly fangirling but I want you to know you're appreciated) who is very wise and also offers practical advice

@SuckingDownDarjeeling he isn’t my boss or superior.. he was on the same team as me at the same level we did Exactly the same job at one point.. he’s however now moved to a different role in a different department and I very very rarely ever see him around the office (before lock down)..

@1235kbm thank you for your advice.. yes I do have a lot of support and my friends know about this situation I am in with him and have advised me what everyone is advising her although not all know about the extent of it but the ones who also know him do.

@backseatcookers I did send him a message via social media last night Im blocked on text and on WhatsApp just basically saying how I felt and how he’s treated me is wrong etc. He read and didn’t respond. Now he doesn’t work in my department we won’t have any reason to talk via work anyways.. the company is large and I rarely ever see him. It’s just annoying knowing we have that tie and I can never completly block him from everything as he could email at work!

Now you know who he is, surely you despise him?

@picklemewalnuts It can take a while for people to get to that point. They can blame themselves, try and win the person's affection, still think the person has a good side etc etc or whatever.

He lied and chased and lovebombef you in the beginning. And now he is devaluing you. Next will come the discard. But not until he has reduced you to a shell of who you were.

@Bunnymumy He already did that- blocked and ignored OP, but true to form for a narc, he's back now as he feels she might be useful to him again, and maybe is charming and 'hoovering.'

He pressures me to not use a condom and to try things I wouldn’t usually try with other guys .. asked me to go on contraception for him (I didn’t ) when my body doesn’t really agree with it so I prefer condoms. Always wants to have sex drunk and has purposely got me blind drunk before and actually not used anything and came inside me knowing I am not on contraception !. I know it sounds so bloody awful typing this it really does.

That is rape as you only agreed to sex on the condition he didn't come (a woman won a rape case for this- she had an unwanted pregnancy due to the rape.)

All this is the sort of sexual coercion and abuse these abusers do.

He probably wants you to get pregnant so be can keep ties to you for ever but without ever having to commit. To trap you.

Maybe, but also a lot of men don't like condoms, and they will disregard a woman's wishes, pressure or rape her, especially these abusers.

Normally a convo should go 'I want to use protection', 'I dont', 'well, leave then'. He doesnt get to choose. It's your body.

Unfortunately, I've never been able to say this for some reason. But I hope to in future. Also, a lot of men will practice 'stealthing' rape, sneakily removing or not using a condom, along with all the other manipulations.

the specific incident without the condom happened early last year so to call anyone now I think would be a bit weird ?

It's still rape and it's still effecting you, and the abuse is still ongoing. Women can seek help for sexual assault (and maybe also speak to the police) long after the event.

He has got me drunk on several occasions and says I am boring If sober.

That's verbal/emotional abuse.

He will drink on his way to see me so he is drunk when he gets here and he will sometimes literally pour drink down my neck so i get on his level.

Physical abuse.

however there’s been occasions he’s started with nothing on and called me boring etc when I’ve made him put on one and continued to call me boring throughout the duration of sex

Yes, the starting without one is the sort of thing they do. Emotionally abusing you during sex sounds like the height of abuse.

Therapy after perma-blocking him ASAP might be helpful xxxxx

For now, please block. x

Even better you won't have to see him at work and he has no reason to contact you regarding work.

And even if he was your boss, you are still an equal human being and deserve to be treated nicely by a decent person.

PPs have given you such great advice. You have no ties to him. There was no emotional connection from him, I'm very sorry. He's moved on to using you and literally abusing you. Please contact the places mentioned in the PP and be ready to make ABSOLUTELY sure he has no access to you or your home ever again. Calling the police will not be an overreaction.

You have loads of people in your corner

Sorry I may sound harsh but for a 30 yrs old you sound very naive and weak , feelings or not , no wonder he takes advantage , he’s not interested in how you’re feeling, he wants sex and that’s it, so why you keep texting him for?

@ThePianist38 appreciate the response but erm why do I keep texting him? I don’t and never have kept texting him I don’t know where i have said this in all my responses ? Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve been emotionally abused? Just wondering?

@ThePianist38 often the people that are the most naive are those that think they have it all figured out. OP took a big step in getting out of her head and asking for advice, and as she said, she hasn't been texting him 🤷‍♀️

I did send him a message via social media last night Im blocked on text and on WhatsApp just basically saying how I felt and how he’s treated me is wrong etc. He read and didn’t respond.

Thanks for replying OP - see the difference is you've messaged him emotively saying you've been hurt and wronged etc. He won't give a shit.

My suggested message is no emotion - do not contact me again unless about work. Not you've been a wanker, I'm sick of being treated like shit etc.

Turn off the tap of reactions from you - it's over now and you're moving on. You don't need to tell him why, you just need to tell him that.

Can you see the difference? I used to do the same and explain why people were hurting me but wankers like him just read it and think ooh I'm under her skin I'll say xyz and she'll come running.

@backseatcookers I see the difference yes.. I have just messaged him on SM and told him to not contact me ever again unless needed for work. God I feel sick ! and like a bunny boiler Cos he didn’t respond to my other messages last night !