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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being used for sex

151 replies

Confused12344 · 03/06/2020 13:27

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
CrazyDaysAndMondays · 03/06/2020 17:51

I'm the same age as the OP and I have acted in a similar way ,. He has abused and manipulated her . I don't doubt his is the sort of thing it's difficult to get your head around when it hasn't happened to you but none of this is her fault. And as for "no wonder he took advantage" ... I don't even know what to say .... The OP did not deserve this !

OP ,unfortunately some of the things that are happening to you have happened to me . You probably feel overwhelmed , but this will get better. You will get through this xxx

Bunnymumy · 03/06/2020 17:52

Well done op! Block him before he can reply, goading you into a response.

pinkflamingo86 · 03/06/2020 17:54

I was in a relationship exactly like this and it made me feel so insecure and upset. I was weak and I didn't see my own self worth. One August he went off the radar and a month or so later I met someone else. 4 years on we are married with a beautiful little boy and I can't tell you the difference it makes to be with someone who respects you.

He got in contact again a couple of months after I met my husband... by which point I saw him for what he really was. It felt good to tell him to get lost - I can't deny it!

It hurts now but you'll look back and kick yourself xx

Bunnymumy · 03/06/2020 17:55

And if he emails you anything inappropriate via your work email you can just respond 'this is not work related. Any further such emails will be treated as harassment and reported to hr'

And hopefully that will be that.

indecisivelil · 03/06/2020 17:57

Block. Stop being a doormat

BumblePan · 03/06/2020 17:58

OP, I have only skimmed through you post, but I get the jist of it. Please be kind to yourself! Love yourself! Value your time and your life! Don't tolerate this any longer. Stop letting him into your head/life and bat away any thoughts of him. He is not for you. It will be tough, but give yourself the best gift and move on.

Tappering · 03/06/2020 18:10

He's an arsehole.

Anyone that calls you boring as they are literally having sex with you, is a complete dickhead.

Block him on absolutely everything. Delete his number. And tell your so-called mate that he's actually an abusive and controlling arsehole who shouldn't be anywhere near women.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 03/06/2020 18:16

Well done for sending that message!! DO NOT WAIT FOR A RESPONSE. Block him now. You're not currently in a state where you can knock back any guilt trips or verbal abuse. He is only going to try to melt you head again

AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff · 03/06/2020 18:20

^
that.

Now block. There are better men for you.

Interestedwoman · 03/06/2020 18:31

Sorry I may sound harsh but for a 30 yrs old you sound very naive and weak

I'm 43 and it happened to me only recently. These narcs are very manipulative- abuse could happen to anyone and doesn't mean the person is crap in any way. We all can improve on ourselves and some of us are more likely to be abused, but that doesn't mean the victim's immature or anything. There are some real cunts about who are 'experts' at this stuff.

And absolutely as a PP said 'no wonder he took advantage' is blaming the victim.

@Confused12344 Don't feel bad if you msged twice- these are extreme circumstances and you tried your best and did what you wanted to do. Yes some narcs get off on it if people msg them unhappy, but on the other hand it can help you move on, telling the person how you feel.

Now though, block and never contact him again, and deal with any work emails as PP's describe.

Innitogether · 03/06/2020 18:33

OP, I was in a similar situation in my late 30’s, luckily I didn’t work with him so it was easier to block. I’m just wondering if you could actually block him on your work email too? Outlook lets me block people, although I’ve never had to do it for colleagues.

Stay strong. You’ll get through this just like I did Flowers

Lobsterquadrille2 · 03/06/2020 18:42

OP, I was in an almost identical situation in my mid forties. In a senior professional job with a teenage daughter I had brought up entirely on my own. None of that made any difference. I used to repeat to myself "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleanor Roosevelt) and then wait for his text and go running to him. I even went to a swinging club (didn't do anything) just to gain his .... what? Affection? Respect? I actually shudder thinking about it.

You can do this. Stay strong.

RedCouch · 03/06/2020 18:42

Well done for telling him that OP. Now please be strong and don't let him anywhere near you again. I was in a similar situation and when you're in the thick of it your feelings can be confusing, but I promise in a years time you'll look back and feel nothing but repulsion for him xx

Interestedwoman · 03/06/2020 18:44

As you're not his superior or the head of your department, I think there's no reason for him to genuinely have to contact you for work, so you could block.

Otherwise, you're kind of giving yourself a get out clause. And a lot of women in this situation are then constantly thinking the abusive ex might contact them, and they're hurt each day if they don't.

starfishmummy · 03/06/2020 18:48

Why are you letting him treat you like this? The answer is in your hands

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 03/06/2020 19:06

@starfishmummy Confused

People 'let' other people abuse them for the same reason that people 'let' muggers mug them in the street.

RantyAnty · 03/06/2020 19:34

It would be helpful if you did the freedom programme online. It'll help you avoid these trash.

You have to assume a man is lying to you until he proves by actions, differently. They will pursue, lie, and say anything to get in your pants.

This one sounds like he enjoys hurting women. The things he did and said shows a sadistic streak in him. They enjoy every moment of your agony. The tears, the arguments, the texts telling him how much he hurt you. Sometimes, you'll even catch them with a smirk.

If you ever think about talking to him again, remind yourself of what he truly is. He lied to get in your pants and then he tormented you repeatedly for his pleasure.

Write down the horrible things he did and said to you and keep them where you can read it. Any bit of nostalgia or soft feelings for him, get it out and read what he did to you and read it until you feel anger and disgust towards him.

NoseyfriendNC · 03/06/2020 19:38

Do not contact him again now.

The reason he doesn't want to be with you is because you're making yourself too available. Block his number or delete it if you feel you might text him.

Why don't you try online dating or something? It is so much easier to get over someone if you are focusing on someone else. Just having someone else to text can help. Imagine his face if he gets back in contact in a few months and you say no you're with someone now!

Bunnymumy · 03/06/2020 19:43

Maybe hold off on the dating for a wee while. Do some reading (a lot of it) on narcissists and how to spot them. And get it clear going forward what is and is not acceptable treatment. Shore up your boundaries. Otherwise another monster might come hunting...and find himself a tasty snack, already all out on a platter.

Original poster
Confused12344 · 03/06/2020 19:47

Thanks everyone so much for your replies I really do feel quite a lot better now I have blocked him on everything .. he read the last msg and didn’t respond.

Some of the things PPs are saying are really making me understand how fuked up this situation is .

The poster about going to a swingers club to do things the guy wanted to i feel like I do this but with sex.. the more open I would be to certain things I felt it would please him etc and make him see me differently. I don’t think I realised how serious this was till I posted on here

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/06/2020 19:51

Yeh he sounds like a right sadistic, sexual deviant. I think you have had a lucky escape op ending it now.

billandbeninsanfrancisco · 03/06/2020 19:55

This was me once, with a colleague. Almost exactly. Was very painful and very bad for my self-esteem, and my career too actually. I look back now aghast at how little I valued myself. You have to break it off. You just have to. You won’t regret it in the longer term, honestly.

billandbeninsanfrancisco · 03/06/2020 19:57

I should have said, I didn’t break it off. He moved to the US, just upped and went, after years of sleeping with everything that moved. Had he not, I dread to think how much longer it would have gone on. I moved job when he left, couldn’t bear to be there without him. Met my now husband on day one.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 03/06/2020 20:08

I think the people who can really advise you on this, and the people here on this thread, have all experienced something very similar. And when you're going through it, it feels like it will never end - like you'll always be worthless and you might as well give in and chase that guy because you can't do any better.

Believe it or not, the strength comes from doing nothing - not chasing, not thinking about it, not thinking about 'what you did wrong to cause this' - and eventually finding the energy once more to do things you love to do. For me that was art.

When I left my abusive partner, I left all my art supplies in the house with him. I looked at them and thought 'that's not me anymore and I won't need them'. It actually took therapy and more than a year of being away from the abuse to make me realise that I still loved to be artistic. And I feel angry sometimes about the time I lost out on getting to be creative because of that man. That's why I'm always saying to people to rediscover what you love to do by yourself. I have children now and a loving partner, but I will also always have my art x

Original poster
Confused12344 · 03/06/2020 20:48

For the people who have been through similar .. how did it eventually end ? Did they get in contact ? And what did you do if they did ?

OP posts:
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