need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

You are doing the right thing.

It is abuse of your children for them to witness him abusing you. They will be seeing a lot more than you think, and the on going verbal abuse is teaching them "be nice to Daddy or else..."

As for Mediation, my mediator wouldn't allow mediation to continue if there was any coercion or abuse involved.

Just to add another perspective, I was the child in a relationship like this. I remember the day my mother finally got the courage to split from my dad, I can't even explain what a massive relief it was for me. I was 15 by the time he went, I have certainly been impacted as an adult by the behaviour and violence I witnessed. It's taken me a while to forgive my mother for not leaving him sooner, but I know she must have found it hard.

Just wanted to reassure you that you are doing the right thing. It WILL be hard but you must protect you kids from growing up in the environment.

*in this environment

Report him to the police change the locks
Get him away from the kids they do not need to see or here that behaviour they will think it normal and acceptable behaviour when they grow up or even now when playing
GET HIM OUT
Go see a solicitor they can help you and if not all ready make a (will) make sure your kids if anything happens to you they go to YOUR family or someone
I hope this helps and you are ok

Stay strong OP
You are worth much more.

Good luck with the solicitor today OP, so glad you're progressing things. Your children deserve better than living with a bully and so do you

Inform police as soon as possible.

He hasn't strangled me. I don't know where that came from?

It was all a bit of an anti-climax yesterday after I made my decision to give a statement! I spoke to the police and they said they would wait for the officer who I spoke to before to be on duty that evening (which suited me because I had work and kids in the day) so i texted him also and waited for him to contact me back. At 1.15am (I got it in the morning) he texted back to say it had been a busy evening and he's off now until Tue so could I go into the station over the weekend and give a statement there. So I will find a way to do that. I'll ring them and found out if there is a least busy time as its hard to find a way to be away from the kids (plus I don't really want to). But I won't give up.

I have my solicitor appt this afternoon. (thanks @backseatcookers for remembering!) so things aren't moving forward. He is still being as rude as ever but I'm just staying out of his way and we're sleeping in separate rooms so I have very little interaction except about the kids.

Can you call 101 again and tell them that you already met with police and discussed the physical assault , emotional abuse, and were reluctant to make a statement but now wish to, and have been asked to go to police station, however you don't want to leave the children.

Good luck with the solicitor. Hopefully they will be the right one for you, if not please keep trying. The law works in mysterious ways! And it's not until you get the experts in you find out what can be done - you may be rather surprised. Pretty sure you don't just get to squat in a house you aren't paying for a be a prick to the person who is.

I could be mixing this up - re the who is paying thing, apologies if I have. Either way you have the legal right to not live with this shit.

Oh sorry OP re the strangling.

He's really showing you who he is. Keep strong.

I feel really positive after the Solicitor consultation! It does look positive that I can achieve what I want to achieve in terms of agreement. Because we're not married it does make things more straightforward and I'm not liable for any support to him.

It is a bit frustrating that it's so difficult now to make a statement after I took days to make the decision. I will call the station tomorrow and see if i can arrange a time to go there rather than have to sit there and wait.

@FizzyGreenWater no prob :) He is really showing who he is though - he's been awful to me and still is. i can't work out if I've just become more aware of how wrong he is or if this is his way to cope with what he did on Monday and he has to continue the hate towards or rather than accept what he did.

@Vodkacranberryplease He does pay at the moment but he didn't work for a long time (2.5 years) when I paid for everything. He just doesn't have any work to do at the moment and is likely to be furloughed next week (before the final deadline) and his job is potentially at risk of redundancy after that. not his fault really but he hasn't been in this role very long. so i'm anticipating another period of having to support him again. Although I didn't agree to the 2.5 years off (he didn't bother job hunting) it doesn't mean I own any more of the house though. its still a 50/50 split according to the solicitor, which i can live with.

Really glad it went well, it's amazing how different things look when you start finding out for yourself what's possible rather than listening to him isn't it? You're making brilliant progress, keep going

Well done OP.

Even if the kids haven't witnessed anything directly (and it might surprise you how much they've seen), it must be a dreadful atmosphere in the house.

Hi OP, I’m glad your solicitor’s apt went well.

To book an apt at the police station you’re best off calling 101. On the occasions I’ve had to made statements at the cop shop I’ve booked my apts that way.

Ok well I'm that case get him out now and settle the split so you don't have to support him or pay a mortgage on something he gets half of.

Do you have the ability to offer him half the equity of the house?

Amazed it's 50/50 of not married though! And you can prove you paid more!

I think his intention is to live off you for a few more years. He won't be paying the mortgage but if he lives there he gets half. He wants to make you so upset you move out and he can claim the lions share or just not pay.

There is no way he is going to move out leaving you with the house and children AND pay anything towards their upkeep. He fully intends it to be the other way around. Find a solicitor that is a bit more willing to get his hands dirty - one that just wants it all to be 'fair' will leave you with nothing.

Keep going OP. I didn't stand up to my exH and tolerated far too much of his shit, even during divorce and really regret it now.

You're kicking ass, keep going, another one to add to the list who is stood right behind you cheering, until you get that nasty fucker out of your life!

Solicitors always explain that the starting point is 50/50 - although I'm a bit surprised given you're not married and he's not worked for some of the time - but things can go anywhere from there!

It depends on matters such as who's contributed more financially and/or in caring for children and how any pensions are to be split. But primarily if the children are to spend more time with one parent, how to best provide them with stable housing.

You are amazing

In my experience the strength comes out of somewhere and it grows and grows
It appears when you don't expect it

Honestly when giving statements and having to go back in a few times I was astounded by the care and kindness from the police

They were so professional and they want you to take your time with it

Please jot down as much as you can somewhere safe and have that ready

I got my statement emailed to me so I could read over a few times

Then I signed it

Wishing you the very best !!!!!!

Vodkacranberryplease is right, he is currently working very hard at being nasty to you. Maybe he feels under threat as you are not giving in to him and he is belittling and fighting to regain control. Maybe he is being continually hateful to drive you out of the house, so he has financial control of the family home.

The children must feel sad and anxious hearing him speak with that hateful tone to you, even if they never hear the hateful words.
So glad you have seen the solicitor and can make statement soon, maybe via 101 , as Whatisthisfuckery says?
Where you able to discuss the domestic violence with solicitor? If so what did solicitor say about the continual hateful language he is using? As LannieDuck says it must be a dreadful atmosphere in the home for you and the children. Very worrying for you as he seems to have upped the nastiness, despite you keeping out of his way.

Hope you are going OK SoniaShoe