need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

I really admire your courage in making a statement ....... You have so much to look forward to when free of this nasty, bullying, demeaning x partner. Xo

He wont find mocking you so amusing soon when the police and your solicitors get involved. . Be safe in the knowledge that you and your children are on the way to a happier and safer life without him dragging you down. Try not to rise to his pathetic comments. Just let him get on with making a fool of himself. Hate will destroy him.

I'm so very happy to hear that OP, don't think I've ever felt so relieved over a strangers post on the internet. The cold, hard truth is that neither of your options are easy ones, the coming weeks and months will be tough either way but at least this way there is an end in sight and that's what you have to keep working towards.

The alternative is frankly too awful to contemplate, another year, 5 years, 20 years of this? You can't put yourself or your kids through that so however tough he makes these next few months until you're completely free it's still infinitely better than still being with him.

Gather your support now, lean on us, tell anyone you feel will support you in real life, take every offer of support from DV services and the police. You might feel your case is not as bad as others but the fact is you need help to get free of this abusive man and that makes you just as deserving of help as anyone else

OP I'm so pleased and relieved.

Just remember this one truth. You making a statement and getting the law on your side will just make it easier and quicker to sort out. And that means, easier for the children too.

I would be as full and frank as you can and be clear that yes, you do feel unsafe, and his continued behaviour since has made you realise a. that you really are not safe and b. that you want to separate and even raising that topic with him in the home will be unsafe for you and your children. Be blunt - can he be removed temporarily for your safety? Then once he is at another address, it would be possible hopefully to keep him there (because COVID) while you navigate the separation agreement and tell him you will be getting a court order to force the sale of the house unless he agrees to it. Much easier and safer and nicer for your children for those discussions to take place remotely, without him able to explode and threaten or worse, attack you. He would attack you.

Good luck.

So delighted to read this.

That will wipe the smile off the little pricks face.
He won't be so smart when he is removed from YOUR home and reality bites.

You will reap tge relief of this very quickly.

👍👏👏

Again what @FizzyGreenWater has just said. Don't minimise or make excuses for them. Tell them you are worried about your safety. Tell them about the prior strangulation incidents. Ask if he can be removed from the house.

Good luck - and keep posting. MN is a fantastic place of support.

I've just seen your thread op and am in agreement with others that you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I really do admire your courage. Loud and clear message to your dc that they should never tolerate abuse. Keep posting for support, we're all behind you here

Please be honest that for years now he has been refusing to agree to sell the home, and gets abusive and angry, and wont allow you to discuss seperating.

And yes, exactly what FizzyGreenWater said, in fact I would take some notes from that post to make sure you get those points in during your statement.

Well done op. no minimising!

Absolutely yes yes yes tell them that he has strangled you.

Have just read all this praying that you keep your strength and resolve and remove this toxic little shit from your life.

Have read so many threads on here from women trying to remove these pieces of scum from their lives. What’s quite telling is that they never come back and say they regretted it.

You’ve got a whole new happy life in front of you just waiting to begin. ❤️

So happy you will make a statement. I very much regret moving out and not getting my husband held to account for his behaviour.

Your doing the right thing. Good luck.

I'm glad you're going to make a statement. I think I missed that he has previously strangled you. Please do include this in your statement.

And please be prepared to call the police on him at any time. It's so easy for someone to kill you by strangling, even if that's not their actual intent when they start. It's so so dangerous.

Well done OP. You are showing such strength. Sending you a little more to keep you going. I will be thinking of you

@category12

So true.

Strangulation can end a life horrifyingly quickly and should never be dismissed.

Please give the police the full facts of what he did.

They know more than anyone how serious an assault an attempted strangling is.

Well done OP, for putting your children first.

They really need you.

Thank goodness. Well done, OP.

Well done for coming to this wise and brave decision OP. I know it’s really hard because of the guilt and feeling of betrayal etc, but honestly the only one who has betrayed anyone is him, by assaulting you and making you feel unsafe and unhappy in your own home.

Please maintain your resolve. Things might not be as smooth or as quick as you’d like them to be but you’re making the right decision for you and your DC, and it’s an important message to send your DC that nobody should be able to assault you and get away with it.

Re the fear of friends and family finding out. Yes, there are likely to be people who don’t initially believe you, but so? It’s not them living with a violent abusive man is it? Their good opinion won’t keep you safe when he decides to attack you again, and their good opinion won’t shield your DC from the harm caused by living in a stressful and violent home.

There are also many who will probably say they thought things weren’t right, they just didn’t want to say anything. I had both scenarios happen to me.

we, me and XH, had friends. Well they were people my XH worked with but they became friends, and godparents to our DS. When I left XH the mother sent me some quite nasty messages on facebook. 7 years down the line XH has revealed his true colours and they no longer speak to XH, they can’t stand him. They are however good friends to me and DS and have provided me with invaluable support.

Things do come out in the wash OP, so just keep sticking to your guns. You have right on your side, and what goes around comes around.

Well done OP. Stay strong.

Gosh, I'm so so proud of you and excited for your future, OP. Making a statement is exactly the right decision for you and your children. One day, you'll look back and you will see the exact moments you took control and began building a happier, safer life: the post here, the phone call to the police, the decision to make a statement.

I'm so glad for you

Sending you so much love and positivity

Stay strong

Stick to all the fact

Have a time line and include everything

I had to include some pretty mortifying things but now so glad I did

You are so brave !!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Amazing you!!! The fact that you feel relief shows it's 100% the right decision.

We havent really touched on it but coercive control is a crime. Maybe look up what that encompasses because there's going to be an element of that too, and the police take it very seriously,

Soon you are going to be free of this nasty, abusive, using, piece of shit. Think how great that will feel!!!

Another poster cheering you on, OP.

And another poster who is saying how great my now adult kid turned out after me leaving his abusive dad. It's the biggest gift you can give them for their future.

Its 4am and I've just read your full thread.
I felt not to read that you have made your decision, the right decision.
When my d d was one year old I was sat in a car park overlooking the city. She was asleep in the back of the car. It was a beautiful summer evening and I felt such misery not wanting to go home. My husband had a chronic mental illness and I was concerned for his wellbeing if I left.
It took me another 17 years to find the strength.

Don't be like me. Keep going.

The feeling you will have when you are free of him is indescribable.

Actually the hardest bit is over. That was making the decision. Now it's just a step at a time. Honestly, you will get there.
Well done on taking that first step.
Remember, one step at a time.

I felt not = i felt joy