need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

OP try to stop minimising the abuse. It's what he trained you to do. It protects him and lessens what you felt and endured. It also gives him power.

A man who assaults woman is unfit in so many ways. File your truth with the Police, dont hide it and use it later to protect your home and children.

You're strong and brave and you will get past this.

You are not going to lose your children. As helpful as Mumsnet is for support, this advice should really come from a solicitor. I qualified in law in the US, and my specialism is international and very specific, so I can't give you legal advice. Use this platform for moral support - and try not to allow anecdotes from others sway you, though I know that's difficult.

You should phone those charities. Almost all women who phone them have asked the same question, wondered if they really are for people like them. They are EXACTLY for women who are experiencing what you are. If you're still not sure, ask yourself this: how many times, since you knew him, has he behaved in a way you wouldn't want your daughter to experience from a future partner?

This is domestic violence, this is abuse. The questioning you are engaging in is part of that control. Try and think clearly, think about all of those times he has behaved in a way you don't want your children to experience, and tell the police everything. I suspect that the legalities of this will be simpler than you think, as in moments like this, people tend to begin catastrophising. Instead, hold onto that excitement of taking control and living freely.

The advice from @FizzyGreenWater is good. You are safeguarding your future, and framing is everything. Don't minimise his behaviour, your children are relying on you.

Don't count on it. He's a nasty piece of work and won't even move out of the house. Thank god you are talking to a solicitor- hopefully his situation won't allow him to. You need to cut off his money and stash yours where he can't get it and ask the solicitor how you prevent him from trying to take the kids.

They either think they are dad of the year despite doing 20% of the work or are too busy shagging to want the kids. And if they are the first and they just want to really, really hurt you you've got a problem.

Sorry, I'm not a legal expert don't let me stress you out - I just think that thinking about the worst case scenario and preparing is good practice. But see a solicitor, get the facts, and do press charges. Just be aware that abuse to you doesn't preclude him from getting custody but if you are in the house and he's not then that's a different game. No judge is going to rip the kids out of a family home away from a loving parent to go to a parent with nowhere decent to have them.

Some of your comments are really hitting home and making me realise what I've been putting up with for years isn't normal.

I've just met a police officer and answered his questions in the police car and I've come for a walk before I go home. (We take turns putting the kids to bed and it's his turn tonight). I didn't make a formal statement and I said I didn't want it to go further but he said they were legally obliged to investigate any allegations of dom ab so it was likely he would be arrested. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I don't feel able to push for him being removed from the house etc. I don't want the children to have that happen to their dad. I just want to find a way to get him to agree to sell.

Someone suggested considering offering him more than 50% and I think that could work for us. I like the text you wrote too so I'm going to use that once I've had my solicitor session (not sure what its called) on Friday

Thanks @fizzygreenwater . Funnily enough I was talking to the police at the time you wrote your post saying exactly what you predicted I would be saying!

I feel like this report was enough. If he does anything else again though I'm going to be straight on the phone to them again. They've put an alert on my phone too.

He won't ever accept he did anything wrong. He has so much hate for me he gets angry very easily

Oh OP you are leaving yourself wide open here. Please press charges so you have the protection of the law and legal processes available to you, you are giving up every bit of leverage you have to get him to leave otherwise. I'm worried you're going to end up right back at square one except with a now-even-angrier man because you reported him. You were 100% right to report but you need to follow it through.

Stop thinking the police and DV services have more deserving cases and you're wasting their time. Do you know how many abused women think that way? Most of them, we all think 'it's not that bad, there's worse off' even when enduring the most extreme physical violence, it's part of the psychology of abuse. You matter, you are afraid of him and with good reason, stop minimising what he did to you

It's really important that charges are pressed against him. You have decided you don't want to continue in the relationship with him for the sake of yourself and your children, and realistically the only way of doing that is separating from him. It's critical that these things go forward, because otherwise they will stand less in court when the custody of your children is determined. A judge is less likely to award joint, or in rare cases, full custody to a man who has a charge of DV.

Well done, this was a huge step, just time to keep going now and it is important that you put yourself and your children first. I hope you feel okay, and hopefully your appointment with the solicitor goes well too.

Your children have seen and heard him be abusive to you. Here you are saying you'd hate for them to know he had been made to leave the house and be arrested for it. What are you trying to teach them there?

You want him to leave the house. You are so whipped you are considering paying him money that should be spent on the children so you can avoid holding him accountable.

If this is not serious, if this is not abuse, if he should be allowed to be in the house then you won't get an occupation order and the CPS won't take it any further even if you beg them for it.

The reality is the police consider it serious enough to arrest him. Your pleas to protect the poor angry man from the impact of his own repeated actions don't make you look strong. Social services will be having a word with you about that I expect.

This is a gift.

The arrest means he gets the message loud and clear that he is out of order.

You pursuing the complaint instead of minimising lying to the police means he knows you will not tolerate any more.

There are laws to allow abused women to force their abuser to leave the house even though he refuses, the occupation order is designed for exactly your situation: use it.

Your excuses for why you should protect his ego above all else are almost comical.

Your poor children having to sit through hours more of your rows as you try to pay him to leave the house because you wouldn't use the law designed to help women and children exit more easily. Why put them through that?

Its going to be tough emotionally to split but surely your children would be safer and happier in one home with one loving parent instead of hearing and seeing arguments every day. They will know this is a frightening and tense home and you dont know what he could be saying about you to them when they are out. Kids are not stupid. You say he hates you. Thats no life.

OP, I do think you should take note of so called anecdotes, as many are real life experiences, based on law.
What could happen if you choose to stay with a physical, mental and emotional abuser, is that you could end up with your children placed on the at risk register, or even removed. He's not been violent towards them yet. But I've known this to happen to close family and the outcome was just that - children removed while the parents stayed in a volatile, aggressive relationship. The children's act focuses on "what's in the best interests of the children".
Its also important that you can evidence being main carer as some have said. The minute you leave the family home, he can go for custody and change the locks - and you'll be renting, paying maintenance, losing the home, etc. Sadly, a lot of men go through this and not all were in the wrong. But it sounds like you're being set up for this. Calling you a scumbag shows what he thinks of you and saying it's over then nothing afterwards, after being physically aggressive towards you, shows he has no love or respect towards you. It's going to be difficult, but you must not leave that family home. If you do, the courts will look favourably to him, irrespective of how he was towards you. He will be able to fight for custody as it's best for children to remain in their home. He will be able to control your contact with them, and it might not be 50/50 as that can be seen as too disruptive. He can reduce or leave work, claim UC and maintenance from you - and stay in the home until the children are 18. He might even get the house or a high percentage of it, as he has less earning potential than you do. But you cannot do nothing. Just tread carefully.

Please listen to what people have said on here.
You will kick yourself if you don’t.
He won’t agree to sell.
Press for charges

Press charges op. He is abusive.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh op but you sound like my mum. Kids are not stupid they know exactly what’s going on, like I did when I was younger even if they tried to hide the domestic abuse. My mum didn’t report it and spoke about it just like you and eventually the abuse turned from her into me and I was the victim. Mum never reported it because by then she was so used to it and so under his ‘spell’ that she saw nothing wrong with it. Press charges now, get him removed from the house and get the locks changed. Your children will get over having their dad removed from the home.

If your daughter came to you in 15 years time and told you this was happening to her what would you do? Letting yourself deal with this behaviour is going to make your kids think that it’s appropriate behaviour

Sorry but you dont need to offer him more than 50 percent, your not married, he is abusive and relies on your earnings. Gather together the records proving you have contributed more and chuck him out. Your not going to be able to negotiate with an abusive man so stop kidding yourself. I look back on my mums and dads marriage and still find it shocking that he left her, she was beaten black and blue by that man. Gather your inner strenght and show your DC a different future and ensure the police charge him for assault which is what it was

You should have made a 'formal statement' so it is on record. It forms evidence of his abuse of you, which is very important as sadly, he will do it again
However, contrary to what others might say you cannot 'press charges'. The Police to decide whether to charge abusers based on the evidence they have.
I was told they need two forms of evidence. Your statement would be one, the other could be someone witnessing or hearing the event, marks left if you've been physically assaulted or your partner's own statement.
So if you are worried that going 'on record' will get him locked up, then don't be. If he drops himself in it by confessing to the Police that's his lookout.
Regardless of this it is really important that you give evidence so there is a record of what he does. If/when you want to take things further and force him to leave then you'll need that.

OP if you don’t press charges now I guarantee you’ll rue it later.

This stuff is hard, nobody is sugarcoating that, but you have a choice. You can do it the hard way or you can do it the really fucking stressful, self destructive, long drawn out MH wrecking hard way.

We aren’t telling you all this stuff because we’re enthusiastically engaging in a bit of online drama, we’re telling you because it’s true, and many of us have been through very similar situations the really fucking hard way.

Him being charged with assault will be because he assaulted you. He has nobody else to blame but himself. He can try to blame you all he likes but the law will disagree with him. He won’t go to prison, unless he has any other similar convictions he’ll be released with a caution, but if he does do anything again the consequences will be worse. So you can press charges this time and he’ll get a slap on the wrist, then hope the prospect of harsher consequences will deter him from doing it again, or you can let him off this time and wait for him to do it again, which he will if there’s no consequences, and he can have a slap on the wrist the next time. Which do you want, a man who might think twice or a man who thinks he can do what he likes because he’s already got away with it once and doesn’t think you’ll do anything about it?

Oh this is so frustrating. You were so driven in earlier posts and now you're all flat and just "oh this report is enough".
Well, it's not.

And OP, down the line you will accept that this is domestic violence, and you will kick yourself for minimising and excusing his behaviour. You’ll feel angry and guilty and sad because you allowed yourself to put up with it. I’ve met hundreds of women who torture themselves because they didn’t act when they could or should have, but I’ve never met a woman who regretted it when they finally did act. I’m sorry but no such women exist who wish they hadn’t brought their abusers to account and you won’t be the first.

If your daughter was a young adult and came to you distraught because hee partner threw her up against a van in the street and then pushed her over a low wall into someone's front garden, would you tell your daughter to offer her non working partner more than 50 per cent of the sale of their home? Would you tell your daughter not to charge him with assualt?

*her

Well done on reporting to police.

Well done on reaching out to the lovely Mumsnet vipers on here. Some great support on this thread from everyone, well done you on trusting your instinct to reach out to others for support to get your abusive x partner to leave. Well done you; keep believing in yourself.

You could offer a reasonable man court settlement of the sale and he would accept. No matter what you offer this financially, emotionally, and physically abusive man , he will not accept your offer- because that is how he plays the game. He will never agree with 50 per cent, 60 or per cent or any other offer as he is 100 per cent abusing you, and wants to continue to bully you so he can take all he can.

I am always amazed at how many people on here say "report to the police" .... in some cases that will just worsen the situation and spur him on. I'm not sure it will necessarily solve anything. Him having a police record will not help him later and he is the father of those kids. Some people are in denial and will never see they have done anything wrong. Make a decision about what you want for you and your children and speak to a solicitor and get advice. Good luck op I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time xx