need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

@midsummerbreak that is SO true.

OP There is no appeasement ever. Screw him over or let him screw you over he will hate you exactly the same. In fact you are better off screwing him over because then he might watch his p's and q's. Be a martyr and you will get NO gratitude trust me.

Him having a police record will not help him later and he is the father of those kids. Some people are in denial and will never see they have done anything wrong.

And this is how men get away with domestic men. It's not up to him to decide if he's done anything wrong.

How did it go with the police OP?

Your doing really well and being very pro active. Well done !

Him having a police record won't help him. True.

Him having a police record WILL help Sonia and the children.

Sacrificing everyone else's wellbeing for the benefit of one man is what got them into this state in the first place.

Hi all
I haven't gone quiet, I'm just really busy with work calls and kids etc. I do just keep flicking on to this to keep my resolve up! The police called me last night to get my children's names and DOBs as is standard in these cases which made me feel really uncomfortable. It was a huge step for me to report the incident and pushing an arrest and charges and removal from the house just is too much to do to the children. i get what you're all saying as missed opportunities but that doesn't feel like the right thing for us. I have my call meeting with the solicitor on Friday which i'm prepping for tonight. Again, that feels like a huge step to be forking out £300 to be doing that which means i'm actually doing something.

The knobhead still isn't talking to me except to be rude and popped his head into the living room to do a nasty little laugh when i was doing my exercises this morning so I'm only still getting hate from him. Absolutely no remorse or even acknowledgement for what he did on Monday.
Thank you all for your help with this. I can't tell you how much its helping me get perspective on it and not just get sucked back to life as normal.

@soniashoe - you can get an order to exclude him from the house as he has been violent. Please see a solicitor and good luck

But your children will have seen him follow you out yesterday, shouting and screaming.

You are prioritising him over your safety and that of your children. You need to agree a time with the police for him to be arrested and you make sure that you and the kids are out of the house.

I do understand what you are saying about the children BUT it has to be logged with the police in the right way in order for it to evidence for you in any future court proceedings and for him to be removed if it becomes necessary.

Yes, you could be shooting yourself in the foot by being reluctant to pursue the assault fully. That's what it was.

You may need the legal leverage to get him out of the house, and trying to leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. You may not think he will escalate his behaviour further, but I daresay you didn't foresee him pushing you over in the street either.

Please also consider contacting Women's Aid, I would be concerned about his behaviour between now and Friday and make sure you have all your essential documents for you and the children (birth certificates, passports, bank details) all together in case the situation changes quickly, I had to leave my home suddenly with my son over 15 years ago now and it's essential to have these documents as it makes everything so much easier

By reporting the assault it may qualify you for legal aid. You need to think about your children's financial future - every additional % you offer him is money you are taking away from the pot you have to look after and house your kids.

It sounds like you really dislike each other and all respect and affection has gone. If he wont leave the house or end the relationship amicably then are you able to live separately at home until one of you takes the step and leaves. Do your children sense what is going on. It cant be much fun for them.

You've been saying you want him to move out of the house from the start. You wrote that you believe he will fight like tooth and nail to stay and that's your biggest problem.

Why don't you want him to go any more?

Is it possible for a violent man to end a relationship 'amicably'?

removal from the house just is too much to do to the children
If you divorce him as planned then surely one day he will leave the house. What will be better about that day over this day for the children?

I do hope you can maintain your resolve and free yourself from this toxic relationship.

I know this must be very hard OP.

It just reads like you are putting this man who seriously assaulted you in front of your poor children, ahead of your poor children.

You are making things harder for your children and yourself by not reporting his assault.

He's mocking you because he sees you as very weak.

You are stopping yourself from doing this for you, not your children.

If your children's best interests are your number 1, reporting him for assaulting you would be the right thing to do.

That is the truth that you are shying away from because it is hard.

Wishing you the strength to be honest with yourself.

@SoniaShoe

thank you for reading and responding. I know and I appreciate what you're saying but I can't see that helping. my 8 year old would see them come to interview him and that would be it. I need to find away to move away from him. he'll never accept what he has done is wrong. It feels like such a hopeless situation. I just want to create a new home for my children where they don't have to be witness to our arguments.

What the fuck am I reading?!

What your 8 yr old would see is that it is unacceptable to physically assault their spouse and when you do there are severe consequences. What your 8 yr old would also see is that their mother cares about herself and her children enough not to sit back and be abused.

You need to take action and quit using excuses.

Ugh. Just read some of your replies further down. Hopefully the "next time" you're still alive to make the call....

Why people think they always have another chance is beyond me.

You say pushing for his removal etc doesn't feel right for you and I have to ask, do you actually trust your own feelings enough to base a decision this huge on them right now? You must be scared and confused and hurting and I just wonder whether it wouldn't be more sensible to base your decisions on something more solid than just what feels right.

It's amazing what becomes clear when you're finally free of an abusive partner, all the ways in which we've been undermined and belittled and trodden down and the ways that has affected our actions and decisions. All the things we should have done and all the ways the abuse has warped our thinking and beliefs come into sharp focus when we're free, and that's what we're trying to share with you now. All our collective experience can make this better, easier for you than it was for us, we have no ulterior motive for giving the (pretty much unanimous) advice we have, we just know you'll look back and wish you'd taken it.

Please keep going with the police etc OP. They will probably make sure he leaves.

Hi OP

This is very sad to read:

I feel like this report was enough. If he does anything else again though I'm going to be straight on the phone to them again. They've put an alert on my phone too.

Because it's not an IF. It's a WHEN. I hope you are able to see him for what he really is soon.

I don't feel able to push for him being removed from the house etc. I don't want the children to have that happen to their dad. I just want to find a way to get him to agree to sell.

The knobhead still isn't talking to me except to be rude and popped his head into the living room to do a nasty little laugh when i was doing my exercises this morning so I'm only still getting hate from him. Absolutely no remorse or even acknowledgement for what he did on Monday.

Why are you doing this to your children?! He won't be anything other than as nasty and manipulative as possible, and will have no qualms in involving your children in that as much as possible -'Mummy wants to ruin the family' etc. Look at him today. Just venomous.

The quickest, and therefore NICEST and least stressful way to get the sale agreed is to use the full weight of the law to a. frighten him, b. make him see you're serious and c. get him out of the house so arrangements are in your control.

Until that happens, this will be your childrens' life - seeing dad sneering at mum, living in a horrible atmosphere, seeing you beaten down.

I really really hope you will tell the police the TRUTH - that he is vicious, not sorry for his assault of you and that you would like to have him removed from the house if possible to ensure your safety while you outline plans to separate/divorce to him.

OP you have done well to get this far. I understand why you are hesitant to proceed as you are so stressed about it all that you feel you cannot cope with the idea of creating an even more stressful situation if you try to pursue getting him out. But please keep going.

This is what happens to me. Teo years ago I had rearranged mine and my child's entire lives, got counselling and family support, and support from various agencies following yet another Police report. I had managed to get to the point of 'pulling the trigger' so to speak, but the effort of getting to that stage was just so overwhelming that I couldn't do it. Fast forward to now. H is just the same as he was (except he's not stealing from me any more-a whole other thread). I wish I had pressed on because now I have to do all that again, with the humiliation of knowing everyone knew I failed the last time.

Do it now, don't wait for the next time he does something to you