need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

Yes you need to go to the police OP before it gets worse

Def report to the police, you're enabling him if you don't. If he did this in public just think what he could do in private.

Find a good divorce solicitor and make a plan to leave with the children. A pp is right - you dont need him to accept or understand that he's done wrong, you dont need his permission to leave.

Personally I think you should report him to the police for assaulting you. If you dont want to that's up to you, but please dont hide behind the excuse of "not wanting to upset your daughter ". Making children responsible for ongoing abuse is wrong and distasteful.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Ring one now. Get proper advice on what you can do. File for divorce! Then the house has to be sold or you negotiate to buy him out. Tell the solicitor what has happened and ask how you can fast track divorce papers. You can’t just stay married and you don’t have to leave!

He screamed at you that it’s over. When the kids are in bed you say to him “you attacked me and I should call the police. You said it’s over and I agree. I’ll buy you out. I’ll get the house values this week. Let’s just get it done” then walk away. Make sure you have your mobile on you in case you need it

Are you married?
Basically, it's not up o him.
If you want to separate you need to get the ball rolling.
The courts will make sure the monies are sorted and will order the house sale.
Get it going today OP.
This is awful and it's awful for your DC.
Time to take back control.
Stop listening to his bullshit.
but he refuses to sell the house we own together he just can't do that! Not if the court orders the sale!

Your best option is to report him to the police and get the domestic abuse recorded. Then you might be able to obtain an occupation order and non molestation order so you can stay in the property and he has to stay away. Then you can sell up etc from a position of strength.

thank you all for your help and advice. I have been on work calls so i haven't been able to respond. but my head is all over the place and I really do want to do something from this so it doesn't just get ignored this time.

my worry is exactly what whatisthisfuckery said:
Trust me on this. I made the mistake of leaving the marital home because of domestic violence and it made things so much more difficult to resolve. It cost me thousands, where as if I’d had my XH removed as I should it would have been much easier.
It’s not fair to uproot your DC to live somewhere else just because their father can’t restrain his violent temper, and by seeing the police come to take you H away you’ll be setting your DC the example that violence is not acceptable and that they should never put up with it. That will be a message that stays far longer than any short term distress at seeing the police carting their dad away.

We're not married at least, but he won't move out of this house in any circumstances (he relies on my income for a start) and we bought it jointly 5 years ago. I will get legal advice now though. Can anyone recommend any lawyers - I know i can find them easily but its good to get recommendations. I will try to talk to him when the kids are in bed, but he is unlikely to talk to me he just shuts me off and walks away when I start to discuss anything about us splitting up.

I'd strongly, strongly suggest phoning the police first and then getting a solicitor. The quicker you phone, unfortunately the most credibly they often perceive allegations. This shouldn't be the case, but unfortunately it is. As soon as you've done that, then find the solicitor.

The right solicitor is often in your local city, and depends on cost. If price is less of a concern, then Jenny Duggan at Stewart's is a good call. She's empathic and will help.

Remember, with a NMO and occupation order, he cannot come back to the house. You can change the locks, stop living in fear and let the solicitors handle all the difficult bits.

but is it right to call the police when he's just pushed and shoved and shouted? I'm so on the verge of calling them but (111?) but it seems too petty. I'm shaken and crying but i'm not physically hurt apart from my back was a bit sore. it just feels too scary to do it. sorry if i sound pathetic, its just my life is about to turn upside down

Yes, it is absolutely right to do this. What he did was assault, and he will get worse. He will do the same to your children, and to you in front of them. You aren't pathetic, you are so strong because you're ready to support yourself once this man is gone. Your life is about to go the right way up for the first time in a while. You can phone 111 or 999 if you feel you are unsafe.

but is it right to call the police when he's just pushed and shoved and shouted?

Fucking hell, op, of course it's right to call the police. He assaulted you in broad daylight on the street! Imagine what he could do next time in private. It is very, very concerning how you are minimizing his behaviour.

If a stranger shoved you over off your feet, that would be an assault. Being someone's partner doesn't give anyone the right to be more violent than they could legally be to a stranger. Therefore - he assaulted you. There is nothing normal or acceptable about what he did.

Police. Non mol order. Occupation order.9

He assaulted you in the street, would you think it ok for a stranger to come up to you and do the same?
Phone the police and get him removed.

Of course its ok to call the police. Its not being petty. Is this the life you want for yourself and your children. Why bother trying to talk to him again. He wont listen. Hes not interested. He thinks he is indispensable but he is not. He told you to fuck off and its over. Thats good. He has ended the relationship for you. Keep out of his way. Gather up important documents and put them somewhere safe. Womens aid will help you with the legalities. Phone them tomorrow.

i've just been on the phone to my work EAP counsellor and although they can't advise, she strongly suggested I should call the police to get it on record. I'm going to call 111 and get it on record. Typical though he's just come back home with the kids so i need to find somewhere to go and do it in private. thank you all you are really helping me through this.

As Cocolapew has pointed out.
If a complete stranger did this to you in the street.
What would you do?
You'd call the bloody police.
Call 101 and see what they have to say.
Ask for the DV team if they have one!

Why isn't he working, has he been furloughed, will he be working when lockdown is over.

Agree with those who said you need to report, glad to see that you are.

If a stranger did this to you in the street you wouldn’t think twice. Assault isn’t acceptable just because you know the person carrying it out.

You then get an order that prevents him from returning to the house. He will probably change his mind about selling it once he’s not allowed to live in it.

Dealing with this is one of the best things you can do for your children, witnessing violence between parents is damaging.

You are doing the right thing. Find that quiet place, take a few breaths, and make the call. You are a great mum for doing this, striving to keep your children in a safer environment.

OP, you are not powerless.

You have options.

You just need to be brave.

Call the police and report him for assault.

Tell them you want him out of the house.

This is a gift.

His asssult is a gift.

Use it.

To get him out.

Don't let this opportunity pass.

You don't know when it will happen again.

Grab it.

Ring the police.

Get him out.

Please be brave.

Reach out for support.

OP, when your DD is an adult would you encourage her to call the police if a man does that to her? I sincerely hope the answer is yes, so the answer is yes for you as well.

People do what you let them get away with, and if you let him get away with assaulting you this time what’s to deter him from doing it again, and you might not be so lucky next time. Would you be dithering about the police if you’d fallen and broken your arm, or suffered a nasty gash to your head that needed stitches?

Seriously, we are telling you these things because they’re all true. ATM you are living, with your DC, in a house with a man who thinks it’s ok to be violent towards you. If it was someone else visiting your house who was violent towards you would you think it ok for them to stay?

Come on OP, you know we’re right. Save yourself some serious grief down the line and do the right thing by yourself and your DC now. It’s hard, but better to suck it up now than deal with much worse later.

And OP, my DS was 5 when he witnessed his father scream in my face then bodily pick me up and throw me out the door, then scream more abuse at me as I legged it because I was shitting myself. He told me he was scared and wanted to cry, but his dad was in such a temper he didn’t dare make a sound. Do you have any idea how I felt when he told me that? He still talks about it now and he’s 12. Do yourself and your DC a favour and don’t put you or them in that position.

Police.

Talk to Women's Aid (you might be able to text them)

Talk to rightsofwomen.org.uk/ about the house.

You should be able to get something sorted to keep him away from the house for the moment.