need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

I have just reported it online and have a crime reference number. I have said on my form i would like to discuss it with someone when he is out with the children tomorrow afternoon.

I feel relieved. like i'm finally on the way to making the change i want.

at christmas he threw a fork at me from across the kitchen. it only missed my face as i ducked behind the door. that was because he was angry with me because I didn't want to go out in the rain on boxing day (although in the end I did). Things like that get forgotten about after a while. There have been other things, when he has pushed me over etc. Writing this down makes me realise what i hadn't before.

sorry not a crime reference number - just a reference number from submitting the online form. i don't have a crime number obviously

I'm so proud of you. You should be so proud of yourself. Your children will be incredibly proud of you. His behaviour doesn't get to be forgotten, he can pay for it. This is the first step toward the rest of your life, a life where you aren't subject to his anger and violence.

Porcupineinwaiting I know, and that's not what I mean. I just mean what is best for them is the most important thing. i don't want to make this about me

Good stuff OP. Don’t stop, keep going. This is now way to live. If he’ll do that in the street what will he do in private? Keep you and your family safe.

Did you mention what you said as well. What he did was not right by any means but you say you say bad thingsa to each other and say you said something to him so it is not one sided. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

Bloody good for you @SoniaShoe - you're making a big step towards protecting yourself and your children and showing them that it's not ok to be violent or abusive. Good on you x

june2007 we were arguing because I said i thought he could be doing more with the kids while he's off and i was giving him ideas. its frustrating seeing him put them in front of the tv when he's not working i was just saying he could take them out for walks etc or do activities with them. i was probably a bit of a pain about it but it annoys me to see them sitting around doing nothing, he then started being horrible about my dad saying i'm like him as he picks holes in everything people do. i then said something horrible about his mum when i was on my way out of the door going for a walk at lunchtime. that's when he came after me in response to that. it was pretty horrible but i'm not sure if that is abuse?

i had wanted to spend my lunch hour out with them - i only get one hour to go outside when i'm working like today. but they weren't ready to go out and he was planning on taking them out at 2 when i needed to be back. like i say, its not a very nice relationship and we're not very nice to each other.

i don't think i'm in an abusive relationship though. just a nasty toxic relationship that i'd like to get the hell out of but i'm struggling to because of logistics. but this afternoon shook me up a lot.

sergeilavrov thank you :) i haven't opened up to anyone in real life about this yet so these comments are meaning a lot tucked away in my bedroom this evening :)

Please follow through with the report if he gets arrested you can apply for an occupation order so he can't live there anymore. At which point you can change the locks and offer to buy him out.

Otherwise it's forcing sale via the courts.

He has been violent to you on more than one occasion so he abusive and it's likely to carry on escalating.

I'm sorry but he's been physically violent towards you at least twice - you think that's abusive. Regarding you saying nasty things back - I would be willing to bet this is due to a gradual grinding you down with out downs and nasty comments. You've started to retaliate and he's now upped his response by not just being verbally but now physically violent. You're not a bloody saint - it's hard to stay mute when someone consistently berates you.

Sorry I meant 'Yes that's abusive'

It is abusive. Shouting, swearing, throwing things, physical attacks, verbal attacks. Its becomes the 'norm' when it goes on for a long time. You dont like each other. You dont need him in your life. You are strong. You can have a happy life. Update us whenever you want. Keep safe.

Oh love, I am so proud you logged this with the police. I KNOW it’s scary, I know even saying it outloud is terrifying, but you did it, and you are on the first steps to changing this for you and your children. I’m genuinely rooting for you - do you have a daughter? I struggled when I was in a similar situation to think about myself, but what would you want your daughter to do if she was in this situation? Stay strong, you can do this x

Sonia

What is your definition of an abusive relationship?. This nasty and toxic relationship you are describing is the very definition of an abusive relationship. What you described him doing in your previous post is domestic violence, his actions are about power and control and he wants absolute over you and these children.

Abuse also thrives on secrecy, please use each and every resource like the Police and Women’s Aid to bust this wide open.

That's great op well done. Onward and upward. Don't relent.

Women's Aid or another DV organisation will be happy to talk it through with you and explore whether it's an abusive relationship or not, and what your legal options might be (in general terms).

How are your kids?

Contact specialist solicitors with a view to getting an injunction to keep him away from the house.

Throwing things at you and pushing you over is domestic violence.

He doesn't have to punch you for it to be violence.

Firstly you're in an abusive relationship and you're raising children in an abusive home -they're defenseless and powerless but you are NOT. You're terrified and frightened but at some point you have to take your role as a loving parent and seek assistance to get all of you away from him. You state you are staying for the children-please realize your children are victims like you except they have no voice and that's your responsibility to protect them. Next time may be too late and he may very well kill you in front of them. Please realize that social services could/would act on the fact that there is domestic violence in the home.

@ You can apply to the courts for a "partition suit" if your horrible soon to be former partner refuses to sell, it costs, but maybe this fee could be deducted from final sale price of house.

Blimey. I wonder what you classify as abusive if violence in public and pointy objects thrown at your face aren't it.

Don't drop it now. As someone else said, this incident is a gift. This is your lever to force him out. If he has to live somewhere else he will want you to buy him out as rapidly as possible so he has money for his new housing.

You're in an abusive relationship. Please stop minimising what this arsehole has done to you.

Try and speak to a solicitor tomorrow. You need an occupation order. Good luck