need to leave the family home - i don't know how to do it

[SoniaShoe]

I have a partner of 11 years and we have 2 children together age 8 and 4. Our relationship has always been up and down but recently its been very toxic and we say nasty things to each other and he is angry and aggressive towards me. This afternoon we had an argument, I said something I regret on my way out for a walk and he followed me into the street shouting and swearing at me, threw me up against the side of a van in the street and then pushed me over a low wall into someone's front garden. All the while i was pleading with him to stop and he was shouting at me to fuck off. We know most of our neighbours but I don't know if any saw or heard this. I walked away and he shouted after me that it was over. I sat in the park crying and gathered my thoughts and i came home when I knew him and the kids would have left for a trip out (I'm working from home and he's not working).

I really want to leave him, I have done for a long time but he refuses to sell the house we own together. I am the breadwinner and although I could afford the house on my own, he couldn't. If i move out and rent a flat I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on the house. Let alone that I couldn't walk away from my children without agreeing how we would co-parent. He won't discuss us separating or selling the house even though I've tried for years. I know he won't do that after this incident, it will just all be my fault as it usually is and he'll carry on as he is without acknowledging what he did or even worrying if I am ok.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I'm financially independent and being on my own with my lovely children doesn't worry me, it feels like a dream compared to living with him. I just don't know how to get there.

thanks for reading

I am a similar position to you OP. I too recommend reporting to the Police and contacting a solicitor. Do this quickly so you don't have time to talk yourself out of it when things inevitably calm down between you.
Be warned though, reporting to the Police won't magically get him excluded from your home, as some people may think, but it will form evidence that you can use when/if you try to get him excluded from your home.

My H has been arrested at least a dozen times for abusive behaviour and assault. However he is still in the house for two reasons. Because he is too clever to get charged, and because I'm too scared to take out an exclusion order against him. Do not underestimate the emotional effect this will be having on you.

For me it usually plays out as follows:
It's always fuelled by alcohol and sometimes cocaine (he has addiction issues). He is clever enough not to leave marks and always does it in the house and late at night so no one else sees or hears. I call the Police in terror, they arrive quickly because our address has a marker on it for this, they arrest him and take him away for interview. I am interviewed (at home) too. The Police are very supportive and understanding. H gives a 'no comment' interview so is released without charge as there's not enough evidence, but told not to go home that night. I am advised of this and told to call if he returns home or causes any more trouble.
Within the next few days various agencies (social services, domestic abuse counsellors, victim support etc) will contact me to offer support for both myself and my son (who never witnesses the event).
I am full of resolve to take out an order to exclude him from the house, but I am so fired up that I have to calm down before I can call the solicitor (and it's the middle of the night).
H eventually returns home the next day, is 'sorry' and behaves normally. This makes me think I am over reacting and undermines the next stage.
When I am calm I am scared to contact a solicitor to apply for an exclusion order because it is such a huge life changing thing to do. So I talk myself out of it.
And then it happens again a few weeks, or maybe even months later.

Don't be like me. Report him. Call a solicitor, get advice and act on it. He will not leave voluntarily and he will do it again.
Don't let your mind tell you you're over reacting, or him charm his way back in with you. And don't feel guilty. The main obstacle will be yourself, be aware of that.

Please let us know how you get on. Good luck

Well done OP.
The first step tonyour better life.

Please assemble a list of instances for the police.
In the moment you may feel stressed.

Great to have a list of prepared instances to help you.

Throwing a fork at you.

You poor woman.

Well done for trying to change your future...so very very brave

Speak to a solicitor and ask them how to unravel the housing situation. Also tell them what happened so they understand why you need it sorted

OP, I think I know what you're trying to say. You are both not nice to each other at times, you both lose your temper maybe, or be unreasonable or provocative at times. So whatever you call it, however you view it from behind closed doors, you have to split as its toxic as you said. He said it's over, so stick to that. It's over! Next, you need to discuss how to split.
I want you to know that things can work out no matter what your starting point is. I had a similar XH and had to leave so my children had a happier, more relaxing home life. I left with zero and started from scratch. I did a DIY divorce and took nothing. Having inner happiness, hope and a positive mindset are priceless. Not suggesting you do as I did. Just that even starting from absolute zero, with young children worked out in the end. I bought a house again, after saving, building pension back up, etc., no maintenance, so just had less.
If you don't think you can improve things and build a less toxic home environment with him, you have to agree to split and discuss it, if possible realistically and calmly. Remember, he said it's over, not you. So he should be open to discussion about how to move forward.
You should record the abuse. But know that he will end up with a criminal record as my XH did and that closed so many doors for him re work. Just pointing it out.

If you don’t already, get your salary put into an account to which only you have access. You can get him removed from the house and the police will do this if you report him and ask for them to arrest/remove. Then as a pp said, get a non-mol and an occupation order. Why should you and the dc have to leave?!

@Nomoreofthisnonsense thank you for sharing your story. I understand where you can be where you are. Your lives get so entwined and you think of their family being upset and your joint friends that you'll lose and what your work will think etc and it all feels too big to go public.

Well I've started the all rolling at least so thank you all

I also started again from scratch. me and DS left with our clothes, a few of my personal things, a few of DS’s books and my guitars.I did manage to get my XH to buy me out of the house in the end but it took 6.5 years of him lying, being obstructive, manipulation and threats. Even at the last he was hiding assets, which through his own hubris I found out about. I managed to get a small settlement in the end, nowhere near what I should have got, and me and DS have had to move around constantly in insecure crappy housing, but we got there in the end.

If you earn more then you’ll need to stay in the house, plus your DC need stability. If you leave he’ll probably default on the mortgage and your credit rating will be fucked, or you’ll still have to contribute until things get settled, and from what you’re saying that could be a long and difficult road.

Evidence is key. The more of a paper trail there is to document his abuse the easier things will go for you. You don’t have a divorce to navigate but you still have the house to settle, and you’ll be in a far more advantageous position if there are police records etc.

Can I suggest calling DV Assist. The can help you with non-mol and occupation orders.

Honestly this will just drag out and become very unpleasant indeed if you don’t stick in there and follow through with what you’ve been advised. It’s stressful and painful enough without ruing missed opportunities to get things moving in the right direction.

You need to steel yourself OP, because this is going to be shit, but one day in the future, hopefully not too far away now, you’ll look back and be glad you hung in there and got rid of him, and there will come a day when you’re amazed at what you’ve achieved. I think back to where I was 7 years ago and I’m amazed at what I’ve achieved, and I’m a whole lot wiser and a better person for it.

@SoniaShoe as to what people will think:
the sensible ones, the friends/colleagues worth having, will support you in ways you wouldn't have dreamt of. They may also suspect something's wrong and be worried about you already.

The rest aren't worth bothering about I'm afraid.

Unbelievable that he gets to live in a house he's not paying for with children he's not looking after and a wife he despises and he'wont' move out. What the fuck?

If you don't want to go the police route check with a solicitor and you can possibly change the locks and send his stuff somewhere. He wants to split with you too but us using you for money. And because he's a man he's using his physical power to control you. What a pig.

Jesus that is rough

He is awful

I have been in your position so know how hard it is

Get him out

Please follow some fab advice on here

These ladies helped me flee a demon with two small kids

Stay strong

DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE
He may kill you and harm your child - just speaking from my own experience and from the experience of so many other women I have worked with through all of this

Sending you lots of love and keep posting here

Hi OP, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. How are you feeling? I know you might be experiencing anxiety, nervousness and even fear. I hope you are also a little excited for what comes afterwards: a safe place to live with your children, the opportunity to create your own happiness. I hope the police are punctual and helpful. If you need to take your mind off things, get those solicitors numbers ready so you can file for the NMO and Occupation Order once the police have come. You can even pick a locksmith! Here for you if you need to talk, about this or anything but this. You’ve taken the absolute right step forward.

@sergeilavrov thank you! i still haven't spoken to anyone in real life so this is so appreciated.

i feel like yesterday was a real turning point for me. Although a horrible thing to go through it has really got me in gear to change my situation! He is still angry at me and is saying its all my fault because of what i said to him about his parents. The only things he has said to me since the incicdent is that i'm 'a real scumbag' and ignored me when I try to discuss arrangements with our children. He's gone out with them today all day (luckily) but i have no idea when they are back in. He isn't in the slightest sorry about what happened in the street or asked if I'm ok or anything. I can't go back from this so the only way is forward.

Today I've had calls from the police following my onilne report last night and I've arranged to meet them away from the house this evening. They are going to call me when I finish work at 5.30. They wanted to come to the house but I was worried he would come back with the kids while they were here and i didn't want a scene in front of the kids.

I've also got myself a solicitor! I had a free consultation and I've signed up to a one hour session on Friday with a detailed online form I have to complete by Thursday so they can minimise the time they need to spend with me on Thursday.

My questions for the solicitor are:

• what are my legal implications if I move out (I don't think I will because of the children and I don't think I could ever come back if I did)
• what are the next steps for getting my partner to agree to sell

Our mortgage is also due to by renewed in July and we're currently working with a mortgage broker on getting a new one, so he's advised I go for one with cheaper break penalty, which is a good start.

He also said as we're not married or ever been engaged (I didn't know that would make a difference legally) that we are classed as "legal strangers" which makes splitting assets and any future maintenance payments easier. We both work full time and are both financially independent but I earn a lot more than him. He didn't work for 2 years which was very stressful on me financially and I would resent having to support him any more.

He said we could rely on court proceedings to force him to sell should we need to but that is a last resort as its costly etc.

He said the occupation order is very hard to get and I don't think I'm at the position where I would want to consider that at this stage. Its good to keep it in the wings as a future potential though. What happened yesterday was a spur for me to push what I have wanted to do for a long time. Its not the sole reason I'm doing this.

So that's where I'm at today. But scared for the kids and sad and yes I do have a lot of adrenaline :)

Your best bet is to press charges for assault and try all ways to get him out of the house.

As others have said, if you leave, you will have the devil of a time getting free of him, because he will do everything in his power to prevent the house sale - and that will suit him fine, because he'll be living in it, while you struggle to house yourself and the kids. He'll try and 'starve you back' - watch you run out of money thinking you'll have to return.

None of this is as important as being safe, of course. But this is why it is so important to be prepared to call the police and FOLLOW THROUGH - even if it does mean your children seeing things you'd rather they didn't. You aren't really protecting them by pretending, or by keeping you and them in an abusive home so as not to 'upset them' by seeing conflict. Far more upsetting and damaging in the long run to stay as you are. Grit your teeth and KNOW that you are doing the right thing to create a safe space for them and it will be a bumpy ride for them too but it's BETTER.

So - you stay. You report his assault and ask the police to remove him, charge him, anything you can. Yes an occupation order can be hard to get but try. And you tell him that you are splitting, and the house WILL be sold even if you have to force the sale.

The slightest hint of verbal abuse, threats or violence and you call the police.

He won't go quietly, but if you are prepared to use the law to protect yourself and be zero tolerance... you might be suprised. His options will be - be amicable, or you'll quite possibly eventually see less money.

In the meantime - you do not include him in anything you buy, food etc. Also talk to the solicitor about mortgage payments from here on in being 50-50 and if they aren't, having that reflected in the equity share.

There are lots of ways to push this as you are the main earner.

He said we could rely on court proceedings to force him to sell should we need to but that is a last resort as its costly etc.

See this is the kind of area where you can negotiate (on solicitor's advice, of course).

'Ok P, here are the options. You can refuse to sell. If you do, I will pay for court proceedings to force a sale. If that is your decision, I will also look into making a claim for a greater equity share as I have paid mor eof the mortgage, and I will also from this point in not pay more than 50% of the mortgage cost - if you refuse to pay your share, that will then be recorded.

If you agree to sell, I will offer you x% over the 50% of equity, reflecting a less costly process for me if I don't have to force a sale, plus the fact that you do not want to sell.

So you can choose to have more money to start off again, or you can choose to make it more difficult for me and more expensive for both of us. Either way, the house will be sold, so I guess if you're at all interested in the future welfare of both of us and your children I hope you will simply agree to the sale. '

Occupation orders can be difficult to get but not impossible - especially if you have evidence of other places where he can stay (harder because of COVID-19 of course) - the process may take a while, however - particularly if he chooses to fight it which he presumably would.

You could think of applying for a non-mol also which would require him to keep away from you even if you are still occupying the same property and which might even regulate use of that property (e.g. who goes in which rooms at what time). I've helped clients get such orders on a couple of occasions. Not as good as a full-on occupation order but better than nothing.

If you speak to the National Centre for Domestic Violence (www.ncdv.org.uk/), they can tell you what's involved and may be able to put you in touch with a law firm which will help you with your application on a pro bono basis (our firm does this and I have helped with drafting about 20 applications).

Get him charged for assaulting you which he did and you stand a good chance of getting the house and the kids. Call the police now.
If you don't it's likely he'll get the kids and the house as you are the bread winner and he the SAHP and you will be supporting them all.

Well done. Are you able to record his verbal abuse on your phone. You can just set it to record a video of his behaviour with the sound on without actually filming. I would pretty much ignore him if you can. Just be polite. Dont tell him what you are planning. Get your paperwork together. File a report with the police tonight and tell your solicitor that. Would you qualify for legal aid as you are a victim of domestic violence.

I’m sorry you haven’t been able to talk to anyone in real life about this yet. Do you have close family or friends you would feel comfortable confiding in? It sometimes is better to get the process started first, however, as long term relationships ending can cause irrational reactions from others who take a moment to process the information.

Whatever you said, it doesn’t justify his violence and assault of you. I saw what someone said upthread, and ultimately everyone says mean things occasionally - especially in such a tense environment. His continued abuse of you, and ignoring your willingness to coparent despite what happened is testament to his attitude. I’m glad you can recognise he has no true remorse, and never will while he can continue to abuse you.

Well done for getting the solicitor! That’s a big step. Definitely don’t leave the house, that’s your family home and even if you just have to sell in the end or remortgage to buy him out, that is better than leaving with nothing unless that situation is imposed on you. Thankfully, with police support and solicitors, you don’t have to have this man imposed on you anymore. Given the mortgage is based on your income alone, it is likely to be easy enough to appeal to the mortgage company to change the deeds if you remortgage. This is more common than you might think.

I hope you can take some time to yourself today, make sure you have copies of everything you need, and feel mentally ready to speak to the police today. Every step you take is for your future - it feels exciting, because it is!

@madcatladyforever no one "gets" the kids, contact is decided as a right of the children, unless there are serious proven safeguarding concerns about either parent.

Thanks all. I'm going to meet a police officer when i finish work at 5.30 (he's taken the kids out again just now otherwise I would be with them). They have created the incident report but they want to talk to me in person, they say to check i'm ok etc. They have suggested I meet them away from the home (as I have no idea when they will come back) so that is what they are doing, she is ringing me to arrange somewhere to meet. I don't feel like i'm a victim of domestic violence. I don't want to bother these charities and agencies as they have other people more important.

But i'm also so glad i've instructed a solicitor and i'm getting some detailed legal advice. I'm pulling all the info together and getting myself in the best position for splitting up. My aim is to get him to agree to sell the house asap (although I realise its not a good time to sell and we won't get the best price). He would never move out and let us live here, he doesn't' think he's ever done anything wrong. I'm the bad person in his head.

I feel like I've done the right thing by reporting it and getting it on record. But he only pushed and shoved and shouted. It doesn't feel right to ask to press chargers that seems way to extreme? There are plenty of people in way worse positions and surely they've got more important things to be spending their time on!

Just be careful with the kids. Why is he showing such an interest? He doesn't work - he could say he wants to stay in the house and be a stay at home dad. That's what I think he will do. And he could have a real shot at it - he's not been violent enough to really have him on the ropes.

Sure you've pulled the bulk of the domestic weight so far but he will lie and they will believe him because he's been seen with the kids all the time. They don't care about violence to you, they care what's best for the kids.

There was someone posting on here who is a family solicitor who is utterly convinced 90% of abuse claims are made up by vengeful exes. No doubt it does happen... but I strongly doubt to that extent. Or am I off on a tangent because they aren't his kids?

Just checked, they are. He would like nothing more than to see you living in a flat paying for him to look after the kids (will probably bring in a new gf). He's an entitled prick and that's what they do. And sometimes they actually succeed.

Not DV? He followed you into the street, then put you on the ground in full view of the neighbours after shouting vile abuse at you.

If you were one of the neighbours would you have gone out, helped pick up the poor woman from the floor then told her what happened is not domestic violence and it would be immoral of her to bother Women's Aid or anyone like that by calling them for advice and support?

I suspect you are avoiding accessing the resources to avoid being told that you are indeed the victim of domestic violence.

@Vodkacranberryplease no they are his kids. that is so completely terrifying. I never thought it could come to anything like that. so i either stay and put up with him treating me like i'm insignificant except as a source of money, or I try and split and risk losing living with my children?! I always thought we would split the children 50/50 and live where we could each afford.

No, you stop playing right into his hands by saying to the police ‘Oh I’m safe, I’m fine, it was only a little push...’

!!!

You tell the police you feel unsafe, it’s the latest in several incidents and he’s ramping it up. You ask them to remove him if only for a short while (thus blowing out of the water the idea that he’s the primary carer ).

You press charges and push this as hard as you can to minimise his chances of outmanoeuvring you.