To those who have stayed after sexting...

[Purplesndteal]

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

All I can picture from your posts is a 1950s Martha Stewart plastic smile housewife saying 'everything is wonderful' while the house burns behind her.

The problem here is as much you as it is him.

I'm not denying that he did it. What I'm saying is that all of these allegations that it's a long in going affair seem unlikely because evidence doesn't show that. Been there done that.

And what I'm saying is that regardless, your relationship dynamic is very unhealthy.

You are relying solely on him to meet your emotional needs and it reads as desperate - I don't understand how you can't see that as an intelligent woman.

He is not relying on you to meet all his needs hence his behaviour recently.

You say you plan to set explicit boundaries now but he has an addictive thrill seeking pattern of behaviour - porn, sex chats and drugs in the past in addition to his risky sexting he prioritised before your relationship. With this nature and no friends, social life and spending almost all his time in the same room as you he will either be unable to stick to those boundaries or he will break them again.

Are you happy to show your children that this is what a relationship looks like?

And what am I supposed to do about my emotional needs? That's kind of why we got the dog. I struggle with the no friends issue. But whenever I talk to people they just look super puzzled at me.

I get along with my work colleagues they're super cool but it's nothing beyond chit chat.

I talk to my head all the time (or my mom) which again it isn't super healthy but that's better than the wall.

That's why ended up going to therapy again to find what is it that doesn't allow me to make friends

Look your original opening gambit is if you stayed after sexting..
I did for 4 and a half years before it broke me as explained up thread.
Dont be me. I was the cool wife, everyone applauded me for my 'empathy, understanding, devotion and ability to stick to my marriage vows'
But underneath my cool facade it was literally killing me. Like you torn grappling for explanations, advice and for someone somewhere to tell me it was all a bad dream.
I became super sleuth analysing reasons, opportunities anything but the really simple obvious thing staring me in the face the whole time.
You dont need to be cool with it. Its really okay for you to say enough now?
Deep down you are scared that if you challenge him, he will choose sexting.
I hysterically bonded, lost huge amounts of weight did everything to align myself to his preferences.
He did nothing to change, bottom line he wanted both. A respectable home life and his cheating life.
Is that what you want?
You can dress it up with all the intellect that you want, but if deep down you want your man to love and desire only you, not sneak around, you may have to accept that you dont inspire that in him.
Thats why I eventually left.
I needed that I wanted that.
There are decent honest men out there, not complicated would be quite honoured to have only you, kids and dog.
Put your energy into that.
He wont stop. If he wanted to by now he would be horrified that he has caused you hurt.
Its really that simple. I wasted nearly 5 years if my life. I cant get that back.

OP the no friends thing is a new detail and makes your situation make a little more sense.

You're clinging to him because you feel it's all you have, having close personal friends would add some perspective on this. A therapist isn't a friend, it's someone you pay. Please don't mistake professional qualifications for life smarts because they are two different things.

That's why ended up going to therapy again to find what is it that doesn't allow me to make friends

Honestly, anyone who's read this thread can tell you why you don't have friends. For whatever reason, your emotional development is very stunted. You're a child in an adult woman's body whose only tool for coping with the world is to make up intellectual rationalisations and stuff all your actual feelings down the memory hole. It sounds like your family are similar, tbh. And like many people with this issue you are hiding in academia where you can convince yourself that the solution is to be smarter than everyone else. This makes you very naive, needy, and boring to people with well developed boundaries and emotional intelligence. That's also why you've attracted a user.

You need to find a therapist who can effectively reparent you, I think. Someone who is nurturing, open, but emotionally confronting, someone with a lot of life experience and emotional savvy who will give you a lot of feedback on what it's like to try and build a relationship with you and will tell you frankly when they are finding you boring or frustrating. A lot of bad or inexperienced therapists will let you do what I strongly suspect you are doing with your current one, which is making up intellectual justifications for why you are where you are and not changing at all, because they've been taught that what matters is "insight", and you're a pro at conning yourself with "insight". Or maybe your therapist is just playing the long game and is building some trust before she takes you on. I hope so. But if you're enjoying your sessions, then it isn't working. You will not enjoy this process, because your whole house of cards is built on denying any feelings at all.

Thanks for reply. Sorry I'm new to this I thought if I posted then it would give me a new thread. The last thing I am is jealous of any sort. I'm so happy for him after all these years. I'm assuming it was for a sexual manner as he fully admitted he was wrong. I've always said they would contact him when there ready. It seems like I've been there for him all this time but the time he needs me I'm steuggling to forgive him for a mistake he promised he would never repeat. It's not necessary to do with his children it just seems a co incidence that our relationship is breaking down once he starts to get to know them. They have been talking for 6 weeks I meant not 2 weeks.

He's disgusted with what he's done. He says it had finally hit rock bottom and it was the wake up call he needed. He says he felt that as soon as he sent the last message. He says that seeing how much I've suffered is even a bigger reason to never do it again. He says he'll do anything that is needed to change and make our relationship even better than it used to be. He's been crying here and there during the weekend and was crying when he held the baby. He looks fairly honest. He could also be an amazing actor but I can't live second guessing absolutely everything

The NHS therapist I saw when I was pregnant told me I was too smart for my own good. (Her words).

I've already answered, that was about 6 years ago maybe more

Sorry I missed that.

Six years or more??!!!

Six years.

Do they've kept in touch (maybe off and in but whatever) six or more years. That's a long fkg time to keep in contact. And to "only" start sexting recently.

I'd suggest that there has been flirting, sexting and perhaps more on and off for a long time.

You immediately knew what type of person she is from what he told you about her ... what, an 'ol slapper?

She's still an 'ol slapper he'svstayed on cknta t with for years and is sitting sexting (and probably wanking with) behind your back in your home, probably dealing with you baby.

So what does that say about what sort of person he is?

*probably while you're dealing with your baby.

What about your congregation friends OP - can't you talk to any of them?

He's disgusted with what he's done because you've found out. He wasn't disgusted when he had his dick in his hand.

You think you're too smart for your own good, you may have done well at Uni but you're painfully naive about the real world

He says it had finally hit rock bottom

What does he mean finally?

He said this was a one off.

Where his drug, porn and sex chat line issues not quite some time back?

@Babyabby123

Go to Talk, click on Body & Soul, then relationship. Then click on arrow in the top right corner - and pick New Thread from a menu
And you’ll have your own place to talk rather than here.

Back to your situation - his reconnecting with kids and his chatting have coincided in time but have nothing to do with each other.
In the way you talk about him and his other kids it does sound like you are jealous and comparing how he is with them and with you. (He got ready for them faster, etc). And if it comes through when you talk to strangers in the internet - it must come though in person as well. And your H must sense it.
As to chatting - you said you found it open on a computer? Did you not see what it was?
And surely this isn’t the only cause of the relationship breaking down - there must be more to the story.
How is the actual relationship between the two of you?

He rolling out every hackneyed, clichéd line from the cheater's "blame addiction and issues" playbook.

Gilbert he never excused himself with that it was me who made the connection.

My congregation folks are too old (the average age is what 70 if not older) and I'm not close enough to any of them to tell them about my private life

Ty. I'll think I'll forget it though. Too many stuck up twats thinking they know everything on here 😂

Yeah thanks for that

@Babyabby123 stuck up twats who's fellas aren't on chat sites though.

Don't be a bitch now

He has no moral compass. And you will suffer as a result.

Ty. I'll think I'll forget it though. Too many stuck up twats thinking they know everything on here

That escalated quickly!

*he never excused himself with that it was me who made the connection."

Ok, so what does he mean he's "finally" hit rock bottom, if he wasn't referring to past drug use/porn use/sex chat line use that hasn't been happening recently .. and this sext you found was a one off?!

You opened your previous thread with it being "one off" sexting and emphasised that he'd said it was only one (which posters thought unlikely).

To never ever engage in questionable behaviour and control his compulsions in general. Like finishing a bottle of wine even though he really doesn't want it.