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Original poster

To those who have stayed after sexting...

302 replies

Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 11:24

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 02/06/2020 09:22

You might laugj about it, but I'm sure there's people out there who get off by being dick photographers for their partners (similarly to the ones who like their partners being done by someone else)

You seriously need help either that or ...well you know I can't say it on here !

thenamesarealltaken · 02/06/2020 09:22

OP, do this exercise... think of your situation as a friend talking to you... what would you say? Think of your situation as your niece if you have one or even a daughter? Would you be perfectly understanding, accepting and OK with their partner doing what he does, which is likely to be so much more than you know? Would you be saying to any of these people that it's ok, as long as he tells them?

As it is, based on your responses, they'd come to you unhappy, needing advice and you'll dismiss them and defend their guy?!

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:27

If somebody came to me with this problem I would say, what's the bigger picture? Are you overall.happy? Do you think he's remorseful? What do you think of the situation in itself? Is this a deal breaker for you? But like my therapist said no decision making until you're in a more calmed state.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:30

All I know is that after this "reset" if he ever does it again now that the rules have been explicitly explained and after our couples therapy , I'll have zero tolerance to any of this behaviour.

What are the explicitly explained rules then? Because if they are that he can sext but you want to know about it, all you've done is change your boundaries to suit what he's already doing, which has shown him that's

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:31

Sorry pressed post too soon...

What are the explicitly explained rules then? Because if they are that he can sext but you want to know about it, all you've done is change your boundaries to suit what he's already doing, which has shown him that's how you'll deal with issues in future. So next time he does something behind your back he knows you'll accept it.

Is the rule sexting other women is ok but not physically shagging them? Or is he allowed to do that too now?

Babyabby123 · 02/06/2020 09:32

I'm so confused and hurt. My relationship of nearly 13 years. Hes always been a great dad and partner. Until a few months ago I found he had been on chat sites. I asked him and he said he just needed to talk to other people.. he said it wasnt in a sexual manner. I forgot and forgave him. He recently got a messge off both of his other children from a previous relationship (their mum stopped them from having any contact with him but they are now old enough to make there own decisions). Everything is going really well for him and there mum even seems happy for them. 2 weeks after speaking to them I again find he had been on chat websites but seemed to intentionally leave it open for me to find. It's broken my heart. I confronted him and first he tried to make excuses but eventually admitted he is wrong for doing that. I feel like hes done it on purpose as hes now in contact with his other children and I feel he doesnt want to be with me or our children anymore. Anytime they talk about meeting up etc he gets up and ready quicker than he ever would us going out as a family. He very rarely talks about me to his other children and always wants to meet up when I'm busy at work. I never seem to get invited to meet them or talk to them and this is why I feel like it's all been done on purpose. He keeps telling me he loves me and needs me and our children in his life but I dont know. I love him to bits and miss him so much when hes not here. I just dont know what to do. Any help please? Thanks

myrtleWilson · 02/06/2020 09:33

@MarthasGinYard I think the 13yr old is his and the at least 7yr old daughter is hers and the baby is theirs. But I may be wrong

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:38

We're going to establish them after we have our therapy session. It will be a work in progress.

And no, I didn't change my boundaries to suit him. I've always been ok with sexting as I equal it to porn. (That's my opinion). I've always been of this opinion.

I know some cheated partners want to know everything and compare themselves. I frankly couldn't care less. In fact the who she was etc... I couldn't care about it either.

The rules of the sexual dynamics between a couple are for them.to decide they're the only ones who can establish what's right and what's wrong. We've never really had that chat but now we can

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:41

And no, I didn't change my boundaries to suit him.

With regards to lying and trust, you absolutely have.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:42

The first rule that we have if that if either of us feels the itch, then we talk before it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:46

How have I? We're talking that he should have told me. But I also know I'm.not that person who would.constantly checks his phone. I'm.not that, never have, never will be. I know I did mention a spy app, but I'm.not even comfortable with that myself. He knows he's lost the right to his privacy after this

OP posts:
Sharpandshineyteeth · 02/06/2020 09:47

One thing I’ve picked up on OP is that neither of you go out without the other, ever.

Do you not have friends you visit? Does he?

This sounds very unhealthy...and boring.

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:51

He knows he's lost the right to his privacy after this

How can you think this is something that is a reflection of anything close to a healthy relationship?

If you feel what he's done is so bad that he's lost his right to privacy then you should break up.

If you don't feel what he's done is that bad and you can accept he wants to do things you don't know about, then stay together.

The middle ground of you trusting him while having a healthy happy mindset and him being able to do what he wants does not exist. They are incompatible wishes.

You sound codependent and I'm almost certain that therapy will result in hysterical bonding.

Your willingness to intellectualise his behaviour and romanticising of the relationship, alongside his absence of self control and lack of accountability is a recipe for toxicity.

I don't understand how as a clearly intelligent woman you can't see how your words in this thread come across as desperate. It's sad to read.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:53

No, neither of us do. He finds it hard to speak to people in person and with me people in general just find me odd. But for us it isn't boring, we quite like it. We like to cuddle when he gets home or he plays his guitar while I do yoga. Now that the weather is nicer we sit in the patio with the dog and just chill

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:55

Yes, he's lost it but that doesn't mean I'm going to take it. I don't want to. I don't feel like I need to.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 10:00

This is a case study in codependency. You think that your closeness and only having each other is you against the world, but it's unhealthy and means you are reliant on him as your source of all emotional needs. He is not meeting those needs, which is why you've been sad and angry. The relationship is not meeting his needs either, which is why he has sexted someone he knows (who you clearly view as some sort of lesser woman in your posts) behind your back.

The saddest thing is that you are modelling relationships to your kids - your relationship is their blueprint for normality. You will understand relationship modelling as someone who has studied what you've studied.

I've said it lots now but he knows you won't leave him even if he breaks your trust again. And I think you know that too.

MMmomDD · 02/06/2020 10:00

@Babyabby123

You need to start your own thread to get more people to help you.
But in general - i think you are being unfair on your H, and very very insecure for reasons you don’t well explain.

Why does kids reconnecting with their father after years of their mother not letting them have contact - making you so threatened? Why can you not understand that it’s a good thing for them - and they need time on their own? It’s wrong and unreasonable for you to feel bad that you aren’t included in those meetings, at least at this early stage.

And him making an effort with his other kids takes nothIng away from you and is not a threat to your relationship. This is a strange way of thinking.
As to the chatting issue - you didn’t mention if the chatting was in fact sexual or not. So hard to comment on that.
But in general you seem to be in some unhappy place, so sorry.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 02/06/2020 10:10

@backseatcookers has nailed it.

Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 10:11

You're happy doing yoga and cuddling, meanwhile he's having a wank to Jenny off Facebook while you put the kids to bed.

Get your head out of your arse OP

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 10:16

Well no, because we put the baby in bed together? And when there's multiple kids, we both do it. We're always in the same room apart for very brief periods of time.

Of course there's a possibility that he's doing all of that but the evidence points out for it to be unlikely. Even I thought the possibility that he was muting messenger conversations but he actually wasn't as his phone pinged when she replied.

OP posts:
Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 10:18

Okay so he's wanking to Jenny off Facebook in the shower or in another room. Why are you so busy arguing the little details and completely ignoring the fact that your man is happily sourcing out other women.

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 10:20

We're always in the same room apart for very brief periods of time.

Oh my goodness, you keep saying things like this as if they back up your case that it's a good relationship in general - it is codependent to a worrying degree. That sentence to most people reads as suffocating, smothering and unhealthy. You are modelling unhealthy behaviour to your children.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 10:24

Because I've had on going sexting things in the past. I know you have to more or less hide it. If it's on going unless the other person ignores you, is distant, etc... I remember just spending hours in the bathroom, staying up late doing "stuff", etc... But none of these has happened in this case.

He could be doing it sure, but it'd have to be within his working hours for the most part. His behaviour at home is not of someone hiding something or spending time doing something "else".

I'm not denying that he did it. What I'm saying is that all of these allegations that it's a long in going affair seem unlikely because evidence doesn't show that. Been there done that.

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 10:25

I hate to break it to you OP but people sext because it's a turn on. If you're absolutely certain that he's not pleasuring himself because you never let him out of your sight then he's thinking about it some other time....

I'll let you finish that train of thought.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 10:27

It's a small house? Where else are we supposed to be if there's only one sitting room? The bedroom? The dining room only has room for the dining table.

OP posts: