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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To those who have stayed after sexting...

302 replies

Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 11:24

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

OP posts:
atilathehut · 02/06/2020 11:44

For me there is a huge difference between porn and sexting someone he knows. There is also a huge difference between banter and sexting. Sexting someone you know is cheating and likely to lead to something physical taking place. I think you are trying to make this into something you can justify in order to make it work. But it isn't the same. There are limits - he has crossed them. Forgive him if you will but it's likely next time it will be a full blown affair - before you marry him you should work out if you could deal with that

MarylandMayhem · 02/06/2020 11:44

I was pregnant told me I was too smart for my own good. (Her words)

Can you really not see how utterly dumb you are being about this situation? Yore ring taken for a complete and utter idiot, really, he's just giving you the "I'm addicted to blah blah" excuse and you're lapping it up. I've seen it time and time again on this board.

I think the answer to why you have no friends is that you have a bit too high of an opinion of yourself and your abilities, you also come across as very immature.

You really need to just get a grip, find a therapist who challenges you and learn to employ common sense and boundaries.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 11:52

Well actually when I was in Australia I made an Irish friend. We sexted for a very long time. I finally saw him I stayed in his house and nothing happened. I actually wanted to but so it goes. After that I sexted someone who I knew since I was 16 for 7 years on and off. Never became physical either. Again not because I was opposed to it it just didn't happen.

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 11:54

So because you didn't it means he won't? You live in a very strange little world

GilbertMarkham · 02/06/2020 12:05

Yep, just because it didnt for you in those two situations/with those two people; doesn't mean it hasn't or won't for him and his sexting partners.

Presumably you were also single, he's not.

And in spite of you saying you might be open to an open relationship (?) ..byib two had no such agreement in place re sexting other people or anything else by the sounds of it. You wouldn't have posted two threads about this happening and how to get over it if you had.

It's still infidelity, and he's doing it behind your back while you're caring for your baby in the same house.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 12:07

Actually no, I want single. I was with first guy but not the second one. And no it doesn't mean that because I didn't do it he won't, but it means that not everybody does.

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 12:13

Quote from one of your previous threads

Sat 30th may 10.35

I'm pretty certain that he'll do it again. He might stop for months/years but will definitely do it again. I don't think he can change. I do want to give him the BOTD that it could be some sort of addictive behaviour rather than just a plain cheating bastard.

ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 12:15

Looks like OP is bored and this thread is entertaining her on a dull day.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 12:23

No, that was me in my angry and sad mode. Now I'm just a bit angry and looking forward to my session. Both today's and tomorrow's

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 12:27

You're invested heavily in therapy because they are also coming up with excuses and reasons for his behaviour. Similarly to how you are. Trying to avoid the fact that your husband was interested in someone else enough that he asked for her number and built up a relationship to the point where they were talking about her sexual parts. If he was a sex addict it wouldn't be about other women would it. Your relationship isn't as perfect as you think.

booboo24 · 02/06/2020 12:34

Being told you're too smart for you're own good isn't always a compliment! It is also a nice way of saying you're a smart ass!!!!!! Look you're being so defensive, we are trying to tell you that a university degree and a self inflated ego won't make your partner Mr Perfect, he was and is taking you for a mug while you're skipping round with Daisies and butterflies floating around your head.

I don't even mean to be cruel, I would be saying the exact same thing to my 18 year old daughter if she was in your situation and she was spouting out these excuses for his poor behaviour. He is a cheat, he is not this idealised version of perfection that you are trying to convince yourself he is, if he was you wouldn't need to be on here defending him

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 12:47

They were friends on Facebook. I can remember her face nor name but I'm sure if I look it up they've been friends there before we even met. So it's not like had to go through the effort of asking for her number.

She's not even his type but I know that's irrelevant because they could be fugly or a Barbie what matters is the deceit.

There seems to be two streams of though here, he did it because he gets his fix from hiding and all of that or he simply thinks about someone else. It's more likely to be the former but I don't know. Nobody knows. It's a trust issue. Sex if he finds her attractive of he had a wank etc... All of that to me is 100% irrelevant. All I know is that his patterns don't resemble those of someone with more than a quick sexting session, I know this because I've had very long and ongoing sexting flings.

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 12:52

HE FANCIED HER.

Doesn't matter if she's his type or not, he's gone out of his way to talk dirty with her. He wanted her, and was happy to hurt you to do it. You don't just message someone and say 'show me your tits' that's unlikely to get a response. Flirting has been going on a while, which then escalated and would have escalated further. You seem to think you're above being cheated on? So what if she's not like you, maybe that's what he's after! Maybe he wanted a bit of rough because you are not scratching his itch

I didn't think I'd ever have to be so blunt to someone but you just don't seem to be getting it. You're so badly in denial, he can literally shag every woman he knows and you'll say it's an addiction problem and you know she wasn't his type because you are.

He's gonna do it again and again and you're gonna allow it.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 12:59

Again sexting doesn't involve fancying anyone. I've done it out of boredom. I have a couple of others that do it in the same way. My friend I don't think fancied many of her sextees.

I'm not saying that's his case, but nothing is absolute as you think. People do do it our of boredom. It doesn't always involve a wank. I could be sexting while being super focused on work.

Even if he fancied her people can fancy multiple people at the same time even while being in a monogamous relationship. It's again a trust issue. Not if he finds other women attractive or not. I don't care if he does that's just human nature

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 13:00

He wanted her and he's gone for it and she's replied, if you hadn't found out it would still be going.

ThisShitCrazy · 02/06/2020 13:01

If he's sexting her out of boredom and nothing else that says a lot about your relationship I'm afraid

Yeahnahmum · 02/06/2020 13:02

You are defending him so badly. So funny that you have a PhD yet you are so naive. Or, chose to be so naive. You close your eyes to it all. Which is fine. But then stop asking advice here. You made up your mind a long time ago. You want him by your side and don't care about his long long loooong list of bad behaviours.

Enjoy the man. He sounds great

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 13:03

I just remembered of another guy who I sexted. I didn't fancy him at all but gave him a blowjob at a conference.

OP posts:
Madickenxx · 02/06/2020 13:04

@Purplesndteal

They were friends on Facebook. I can remember her face nor name but I'm sure if I look it up they've been friends there before we even met. So it's not like had to go through the effort of asking for her number.

She's not even his type but I know that's irrelevant because they could be fugly or a Barbie what matters is the deceit.

There seems to be two streams of though here, he did it because he gets his fix from hiding and all of that or he simply thinks about someone else. It's more likely to be the former but I don't know. Nobody knows. It's a trust issue. Sex if he finds her attractive of he had a wank etc... All of that to me is 100% irrelevant. All I know is that his patterns don't resemble those of someone with more than a quick sexting session, I know this because I've had very long and ongoing sexting flings.

So let's say he got his fix from hiding.....your response is that he can keep doing it as long as he tells you. The second you give him permission it won't be exciting anymore and he will have to find something else that gives him that "fix". Most likely he will push the boundaries further. If sexting is allowed, he'll start wanking via facetime with someone...if that becomes allowed, he'll meet up for sex. Can't you see that he, like so many others, enjoys the excitement of doing something illicit and, given he has an addictive personality, is not likely to stop. How far are you prepared to go before he breaks you?

I was married to someone like this - he loved the thrill and in the end I lost all my boundaries and he did whatever he pleased and barely bothered to disguise it. I coped by not seeing it (with hindsight I can see that I knew what was going on but I wouldn't let myself recognise it at the time) and it was massively damaging to my mental health. Don't be me...

iMatter · 02/06/2020 13:06

Tbh OP it really sounds like you're thriving on the drama.

Headfuck relationship with an arsehole is clearly providing you with lots of drama

Coming onto MN to dissect your unhealthy toxic relationship just feeds the drama.

I'm concerned that that is also how you see your therapy. Another opportunity to feed the drama in your life rather than an opportunity to recognise the unhealthy relationship you are in and move on from it.

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 13:10

You keep making the point that it's not the sexting that is the real issue, it's that the trust is broken.

But you're saying it as though that's better... it's the same principle - betrayal and broken trust.

To be honest I think I'd rather someone sexted someone they fancied and had a wank because at least I'd understand the motivation. If he doesn't fancy her and wasn't wanking he did something hurtful and betrayed your trust for what? A cheap thrill or to combat boredom? That's worse surely - he risked losing you for fuck all.

I mean I would leave my partner either way if he did it because I know I wouldn't get the trust back and I also wouldn't want to be with someone who thought so little of me they did that.

Can't you see that while you say "no the sexting isn't a big deal if I knew about it but it's the loss of trust I am struggling with", that doesn't change the fact he's been a wanker and doesn't mean this is any easier to fix?

atilathehut · 02/06/2020 13:10

Yeah this either isn't real or is really odd. I think you view the world differently from most people so I don't have any advice for you - I fact you and your DP sound like your a match made in heaven

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 13:11

I just remembered of another guy who I sexted. I didn't fancy him at all but gave him a blowjob at a conference.

Ok so if that was applicable to your partner (as you've been using your past behaviour as justification it doesn't mean anything) then he might not fancy her but would still happily let her give him a blow job... surely that makes you feel worse not better?!

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 13:19

Not really you can have meaningless sex acts. What matters IMO is if feelings are involved. Once there something more than lust or boredom and there's an actual bond that's when I think the relationship is broken beyond repair.

OP posts:
vikingwife · 02/06/2020 13:19

I hope you read this. I wasn’t aware of the other threads. As someone with bipolar, you are giving me red glass that you need a serious psychological assessment. My bipolar was not diagnosed till was 30

Has experienced depression

manic behaviours - feeling euphoric akin to being on drugs & experiencing visual hallucinations/disturbances > experiencing seeing flowers in the field etc

Has excelled in chosen field

Emotional instability

Led by emotions, bouncing between sad, then angry, now excited for therapy

Emotions not correlating with life around her - has been cheated on & now feeling angry & euphoric ?? That’s a manic episode mate !!!

You need a psychiatrist now

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