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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

566 replies

Nursing2029 · 01/06/2020 09:54

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Tiredmummy2020 · 02/06/2020 21:29

Following

Zazu44 · 02/06/2020 21:36

OP Stephanie Lyn and Common Ego are really good on YouTube they've really helped me. I'm nearly there, mines complicated but I'm very close to getting my wings back. You can and you must do this xx

TorkTorkBam · 02/06/2020 21:39

I don't understand the pleasure people get from Love Island, marzipan, horror films and crystal meth. I don't need to. I accept that some people do. I don't need to partake myself.

Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 22:31

@Zazu44
Hi
Thanks for the tips, I will watch these.
Are you out of the relationship xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 22:32

@TorkTorkBam
We will have to agree to disagree on the marzipan;)
I get what you are saying, I don't need to understand I just need to get rid xx

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:00

No no no.. it's not about the pleasure he gets, or getting an apology (you never will. Or acknowledgement. Ever)

Let's say you're taking your dog to the vet. Do you expect it to drive the car? Or tell the vet what the matter is? Why not? because dogs can't drive or talk

It's the same here. You are looking for something that doesn't exist. He can't. He's not a person like you or I. He's like a kind of half person. Clever and manipulative but deeply stunted. All the love and sympathy and understanding in the world won't change that.

Please internalise this. You can not expect normal human behaviour. You can not understand the why's because they don't really exist. The only way you will ever break through is to have complete control over him. For him to be very scared of the consequences of not doing what you want and for his behaviour to be HIGHLY visible. They hate being outed.

The only exception is in front of people they don't fear/don't need. So they might be very nasty in front of witnesses as a way to show them that he is the boss and to watch their step. And to set a precedent that they shouldnt respect or value you either.

Mostly they will try to make sure you have no one on your side. They might tell you no one likes you, or person x doesn't like you. The more you concede the worse they will get. The more they succeed the worse they will get.

There isn't a way to manage them - the only way is to get out. But equally you can use the law, their arrogance and their bad behaviour against them to get out without being completely screwed over.

Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:03

And I want to add they can not be pacified. So if you walk away with nothing they are no different than if you don't. In fact if you are weak they hate you so much more. They are driven by their image and fear of consequences-NOT fairness, love, or concern for others.

Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:04

Haha I don't understand the pleasure people get from Love Island, marzipan, horror films and crystal meth. I don't need to. I accept that some people do. I don't need to partake myself. I completely agree. Apart from marzipan which I don't hate. The rest though? 🤮

Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 23:08

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks for this explanation. I am understanding this more and more, I am looking for something that will never happen.
Mu sadness is lifting and talking to everyone is helping a lot x

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:10

I hope it makes sense. It's hard to explain and even harder to really get. But trust me that's EXACTLY how it works. The nicer you are the worse it will be for you, and you need to do everything through a wall of officialdom/solicitors/things in writing.

Bunnymumy · 02/06/2020 23:12

Ooh I am partial to the odd horror. I think some of the monsters in those films are less scary than some of the people in real life now.

At least if you saw a werewolf you could point at it and go 'monster!' and everyone would get it and believe you. But most people dont even know what a narcissist is.

I think once you see, you cant un-see. And once you start to realise how prevalent they are in society and how no one else really gets it...it can be very lonely.

I wish they all looked like what they really are.

Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:13

Oh and the hardest part to get is - the man you met never existed 😕. It's really sad to realise that but unfortunately it's true. I think at the time they believe it but they just can't handle the reality of people and their darkness comes out and then that's it really. I did read a fantastic book that helped a lot I'll look on kindle and see if I can find it.

Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 23:14

@Vodkacranberryplease
It does make sense.
I am always nice to him and the more I give the less I get.

He acts like he is better than everyone.
Has ruined birthdays and christmases for me. X

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 23:15

@Vodkacranberryplease
That's the bit I struggle with, the amazing man at the start full of promises.
When I look back the darkness came out in small bits, now it's in overdrive.
Thank you

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 23:17

@Bunnymumy
I totally agree.
This one is the charmer and joker to everyone else. Perfect gentleman.
They should be made to wear a badge. The damage they cause is awful. X

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:29

Found the book! Nobody's Victim by Carrie Goldberg
Read it!!!!

Nursing2029 · 02/06/2020 23:34

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks - I will.
I appreciate this a lot :)

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 02/06/2020 23:41

It's the only one I've ever read where someone actually DOES something about this. There's another website I remember too - might be a ref somewhere. The problem with 'tinternet is that you can read the same things about the traits without understand how they play out, what they really mean, and what you can do. It's only when you talk to people here you understand how it all fits together.

Just like you can never know your legal rights till you see a solicitor.

FromRockBottom · 02/06/2020 23:56

Hi , I hope you're feeling better and getting some sleep . I got an email from my nutter and that just kind of took the evening . I'll catch up tomorrow vxxxx

Happynow001 · 03/06/2020 03:19

@Nursing2029
Best of it is he studied behavioural science at uni.
And instead of applying it to help people he used it to control and manipulate. Scary.

Happynow001 · 03/06/2020 03:21

@FromRockBottom
I hope you're feeling better and getting some sleep . I got an email from my nutter
He's not "your" nutter - he's "the nutter". You really don't want to claim someone like this, even accidentally.

Nursing2029 · 03/06/2020 08:42

@Vodkacranberryplease
Thanks.
Its scary how many different characteristics there are.
He acts like he has a sense of entitlement too.

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 03/06/2020 08:44

@FromRockBottom

Are you ok?
Sleep is never an issue with me, I am usually mentally exhausted. X

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 03/06/2020 09:00

One plus point I have woken up with a feeling of anger towards him.
His joke last night- at your age you are lucky to be getting attention from me. Hmmm not sure I would put it like that. X

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 03/06/2020 10:05

And your reply to his 'joke'
Text him - well I don't know, I seem to get be getting plenty of attention from some pretty hot guys on bumble 😉

He'll go nuts. Say it was just a joke
It's hinge.
More him going nuts.
Serves him right.

Then just say well what did you expect after the way youve acted?

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