Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

@Vodkacranberryplease
Now I like the first one:)
Maybe just send that and be done. Via WhatsApp save on the funky pigeon fee :)

Yes there you go. It's actually an e card so you could send it for free. 🙂

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/17431cac15b09ae3a206edafeb32e87d/amp
It was my favourite too. Brutal and to the point

@vodkacranberryplease
Its what he deserves:)

It would seem my gut about him sexting people was right.
This was when I thought the relationship was good too, he was sending videos of himself to people.
Just found them on an old device, in amongst us on lovely days out etc.
I feel destroyed by this.

Destroyed? Really?

I don't think so.

I think your fantasy of him is destroyed by this.

You, the real you, is not destroyed.

The scales have fallen from your eyes even more.

A stronger you is emerging.

Did you chuck him?

Well that's good news! Now you have your proof! That's what you were looking for wasn't it? That final reason? Proof it wasn't you it was him?

I think you should bin him while the weather is a bit miserable. Adds to it somehow. Why don't you do it today assuming he's not been for his run. Or is it nap time?

Do you really want to look at his ugly smug face tonight while he sits on your sofa watching his programs on your tv? I wouldn't be able to personally.

@TorkTorkBam
@Vodkacranberryplease
I am still aiming for the calm exit.
That was a shock to me this morning, the photos and videos were amongst happy days out and trips and when things were good.
There was one day (my sons birthday) he had recorded 4 of these videos spread across the whole day.
I have never had to deal with anything like this before and it has shook me a bit.
What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Even the videos were weird .

Well why don't you just wait till next time he leaves the house, get his stuff together and text him the message then block him? Pretty easy really. It's only not calm if he has the right of reply.

Personally I would have gathered his things up while he was having his (shudder) nap and put them out the front then gone and woken him up waving the evidence around and told him to get out right fucking now. Made him get dressed, walked him to the door, ordered him out, locked it and then turned my phone off and poured a huge glass of wine. Job done.

An undignified exit, but has been caught bang to rights so no comeback, with him still groggy and with no clue what to do now. If he'd only just woken you could have had him out before he even remembered what day it was.

God i don't even know the man but he really gives me the ick. He sounds sleazy and pathetic and vile all at the same time. Ick, ick, ick. 🤮

@vodkacranberryplease

Please tell me this is not anywhere near normal?
The videos were well thought out and in my opinion not just for women.

Of course it is not normal!!!!

He is not normal.

Sweetie, you're procrastinating now.

There is nothing normal about this man. He is just one big, nasty, manipulative, sleazy ICK.

GET RID FFS. Stop being such a baby. Otherwise you will lose respect for yourself as well as him, when you could be gaining respect for yourself, and gaining your life back.

Who knows what he's into? It could be literally anything, he certainly strikes me as the type with dark secrets which is why i suggested looking. Of course you're going to find something horrid.

You also really need to get to an sti clinic or do sone tests by mail or something. God knows how long he's been doing this and some of these diseases can have no symptoms, but cause infertility.

I honestly don't know how you can even look at him. Let alone listen to him spout utter shit and boss you around. And the naps. I just can not get past the naps. Ugh.

@vodkacranberryplease
I have had that information in my house for over a year, no idea why I looked deeper.
I wont put anything off, it was just a shock.
Feels like one thing then another.
I know it looks like I am avoiding things but I'm this has been a lot to take in over two weeks.

Yeah, it has been. Bucket of cold water really. But now it's really time to step out of the shitshower.

@SeaEagleFeather
It certainly is. I can't believe that one person is capable of so bloody much.

Im afraid there's a very great deal more than just him around. Some of them come in female form too.

You'll know what to look out for next time. "sadder but wiser"

Just .. y'know. Do it. Get rid of this dementor. Don't spin it out from fear of making a change, and stop being surprised .. you know what he is, right enough.

@SeaEagleFeather
I had made my peace with the narcasstic behaviour which was a lot to accept but the videos of himself have hurt a bit if i am honest.
Thats cheating plain and simple.
And believe me you probably wouldn't belive me if I told you the content of them, I am reasonably open minded but bloody hell these are beyond weird.

They are probably only the tip of the iceberg OP. It's likely there's worse and honestly, it's not good for you or anyone to see this kind of thing. It won't help.

@vodkacranberryplease
I know, its knocked me a bit and I know he is a total bastard but I didn't ever imagine this shit. He was peeing into a glass in one. What the hell??

Ok that's a fetish of some sort. The kind of fetish that gets MUCH worse.

True story my lovely dog sitter/walker is gay. Not a massive shagger (too weatherbeaten and covered in dog hair) but he used to do the cloakroom in a specialist 'club' in kings cross. I had my dog with him while I was away and once had to pick her up from there..

It wasn't open yet and I was trying to find him so went in a little. There was a guy taping plastic sheeting everywhere. Up the walls, along the sides of the bar etc. I looked it up when we got home and it was an event for men, who liked to drink pints of beer and then, well, let's just say I don't think the loos were needed.

There were also flyers showing men in nappies sucking bottles. This sort of thing is much more common in the gay community.

Now I'm very live and let live..., but only when I'm not going out with them and as long as there's no power imbalance/abuse. If he wants to be gay and do kinky shit fine. But you are involved and he's gaslighting you and destroying your life and that's not fine is it?

@vodkacranberryplease
Do you think this could be a gay thing?
Some of the photos were well concentrating on a different area?
No problem with this but why be in a relationship with a woman?
The porn I found was transsexual.
At least I know to trust my gut.

I think he's definitely not just hetero. I'd say he, as a narcissist hates that side of him as he wants the upper hand at all times and thinks it makes him less powerful. So he's got a lot of anger but equally you can not suppress your sexuality. He sounds pretty fucked up tbh.

I'd be surprised if he does as much running as you think he does. A lot of this stuff is quite transactional - meeting in a park for 30 minutes, going to certain public toilets etc. It doesn't take a lot of time - there's another thread where the OPs husband has admitted to sleeping with pre op trans etc and is definitely bi. Spending money on escorts etc.

He's putting you at risk. Covid-19, STIs snd worse. Now you know why he's not taken things further with you. He needs his own place as he has a lot of things he wants to do that you can't know about.

The deception is just staggering. All of it. You'd have to be a pretty cold person to use someone (you) like that. But then he is. You are what's known as a 'narcissistic supply'.

It's possible he doesn't even want to be with a woman. You could just be a useful cover, a way to reassure himself he's not gay, and a convenient source of food/a place to stay.