Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

Don't let him leave! Jesus! Where's the fun in that? Then there's the whole 'he's left me' thing to deal with. No, no, no. That's even worse.

Get him out very suddenly with no debate and no choice leaving him thinking you have something on him that will utterly destroy his life. In fact why not actually look and find something? And keep it as leverage. Tell him if you hear so much as a whiff of him spreading rumours about you his life is over.

He'll play the pity card with everyone but at least he will watch his p' and q's.

Besides he's already trashed your reputation, trust me. That's why you never do anything together. He's told everyone you're a weirdo/loser/unstable and so of course you can't meet them. It's what they do.

@Vodkacranberryplease
I won't unless he just goes. Thing is he will be expecting me to chase him, i won't not this time.
I think the people that I would care about him spreading rumours to know me well enough to know its rubbish, the rest of them I don't care about.
I have plenty i could share with people.

This is something where you only need 15 minutes of bravery to pack up his shit and leave it on the doorstep with a short note saying it is over (no explanations why) and he is blocked, you don't want to ever hear from him again.

There is a huge added bonus to this approach. It will absolutely destroy him that you unilaterally ended it, coldly, without means for him to harangue you, retaliate, tell you you are awful, force you to take him back. All he gets is a brick wall of BLOCK. That is literally the worst thing for a Narc. Supply = zero.

You CAN achieve this A bit of me also wants to make him suffer

The beauty is the way to make him suffer, reduces your own suffering considerably.

Thanks @CrazyDaysAndMondays10
She’s 8. She says she doesn’t want to go to him anymore But I know he will say I’m the one who is making her say that so I’m reluctant to pursue anything with the courts at the moment.

She’s very bad tempered and angry and has so much attitude when with me. I know she wouldn’t get away with being like this with her dad. It’s tough to handle. I want her to know she is free to express herself and doesn’t have to keep her emotions bottled up but I bear the brunt of it. I let her get away with a lot because of this and because I feel bad for her having to deal with him.

He has many different girlfriends at the same time he introduces her to and then makes her lie to them so they don’t find out about each other. She gets attached and then they break up. I recently got married and she had such trust issues in the beginning. Also worried that my husband would be off with other women. My parents are still together though and my husband is a great role model and my brother and his wife so I am hoping that she sees two sides and will realise what is right and wrong and that not all men are like her father.
She likes to be called a shortened version of her name but he refuses to acknowledge that and tells her off for using it and also the teachers at her school.
There are many things, on their own sound silly but when all put together..... when we were in a relationship he wouldn’t allow me to buy a new toothbrush unless the one I was using was fully worn out.... you don’t ever think your the kind of person that would put up with things like that but somehow it just happens. I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner without him - whilst pregnant - and he would return home at 5pm or 10pm but not let me know. I’m grateful I was able to get away but I can see the same pattern with my daughter.

She embellishes stories and lies about such trivial things I can see her father’s actions rubbing off on her at times.

He has just under 50% contact so sees a lot of her.

I only knew him 3 months before I fell pregnant. He had been so charming and proposed and wanted to start trying for a baby. When I fell pregnant he then wanted me to have an abortion. This is why I feel so bad, I should have taken more time in the beginning but I think he could have kept that act up for as long as it took anyway.

You can make it much less painful than it could be. All you have to do is wait until he is not around then message him to say it is over and you are ending all contact with him. Then you block, delete and change the locks. You are immediately in recovery.
Agree with Tork except I'd change the locks first - just in case...

You are right this is life changing, can't believe he has ruined this.
I start in September:).
Congratulations OP on your achievement! 👏🏻 Just think - If you push him out of your life TODAY that's 99?? days? before a hugely positive phase in your life. Every one of those days getting better the closer your first day at Uni approaches.

It's hard to recognise a demon in human form, whether Male or female - they CAN be so plausible, so charming, irresistible - until you are hooked. I hope you are able to find counselling to help you recognise them in future and strength to keep them out of your life. Good luck! 🌹

(Ive had trouble posting this for a while so I'm probably behind the curve.)

That is exactly why I wanted you to end it that way @Nursing2029. It will KILL him. After all he's put you through he deserves it. Give him nothing to clutch on to. It will be like trying to rock climb up a plate of sheet glass.

Do it now and enjoy your summer. Reconnect with friends, make new one, take up fitness (running? 😁😉) it's literally the time it takes to pack him up and write a note.

If he leaves his key behind when running then grab it obviously.

@Vodkacranberryplease
He does deserve it, i totally agree.
A while back when I was thinking about stuff there were some good memories to hang on to, can't thibk of any now.
He ruins everything.
I am building up to it.
Ha I might give the running a miss :) xx

@Happynow001
He was exceptionally charming, swept me off my feet if I am honest then made me think i was mad .
And yes charming, he still is to other people.
I have been married and this is the first guy I have been totally hooked on.
I hope i don't ever encounter another one of these.
X

Ugh. Poor you. They do exist but next tine you won't fall for it. There's a great book called get the guy about dating (Matthew hussey) and he basically says 'if a guy you don't know is telling you how amazing you are it is fake. How can he know, he doesn't even know you!' A good point indeed!

@Vodkacranberryplease
Good point.
This guy knew all the right things to say, I am the idiot who fell for it.
I think i will have a break from it, might not have a choice with social distancing ;).

'Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me' as the saying goes.

You are not an idiot. Everyone can be sucked in by these people. This is one you only ever learn about the hard way - most people are oblivious to it. It's a massive headfuck though. It shakes everything you believe about yourself to the core.

That's why we are suggesting the cold, surgical, give him nothing type of break up. Because if you don't claw back at least some sense of not having taken it lying down you'll just feel even worse.

Already you are blaming yourself and doubting yourself. But only you can put a stop to the madness. Get his key, pack his stuff, write a short but brutal note and be done with it. Then buy a really good bottle of wine - you deserve it.

Absolutely take his key but also lock the front door (and back door if you have one) and keep the key in the lock when you are indoors. Get a locksmith round ASAP to change/augment the locks (eg Chubb, Banham) so he can't get in when you are out.

Also do you leave keys with friends/family/neighbours? If so, warn them of the situation and that under NO circumstances (remember he's a very plausible charmer) should he be given your keys.

How old are your kids? Are they being exposed to this drama, if he is living with you at the moment? I don't mean to sound harsh but you should be prioritising your kids needs over your narc boyfriends needs. You have invited this cunt into their safe space only to see their mum be treated like shite. You've got a a bright future ahead of you but not if you delay this awful situation. Each day you continue the relationship is one more day your kids are exposed to this toxicity.

@Blanca87
Hi
Thats the thing that makes it worse and makes me realise he knows exactly what he is doing, he only does it when they are at their dads or in bed asleep.
I know its only a matter of time before it is exposed in front of them and i will get rid.
It sounds daft but I want to do it as @vodkacranberryplease and @Happynow001
Have suggested with calm and control.
They are 8 and 9.

The children might not see him do it but they feel the effects of your poor mood and low self esteem.

@TorkTorkBam
My son wants his old mum back xx

Are you going to give him that?

I suggest dancing as a substitute for running.

It releases the endorphins the same but you can do it in your own home, without having to put on clothes... the running, not so much...running in nothing but your pants seems to be frowned upon xD

@TorkTorkBam
I have to. The only way is getting rid of him, just have to make sure I deal with the aftermath in the right way, I don't want to be down in the dumps for weeks.

@Bunnymumy
That sounds like good fun to me :)
I signed up for the Joe Wicks plan at the start of lockdown, i am going to start that. It is supposed to be good for physical and mental health.

I was joking about running because he runs incessantly. Anything will do - mix it up.

As for calm and control I actually meant coldly and ruthlessly so he didn't have a way to fuck with you. And now as in right now. Not to wait till you magically feel calm and ready - because what that means is 'never'.

Down in the dumps for weeks??? Seriously??? That happens when you've lost someone worth having.

Binning these ones is a few moments of sadness followed by joy and relief. If you think you're going to be dragging yourself around the house distraught till sept you are very wrong.

@vodkacranberryplease
I got the joke about the running. ;)
I need to start believing all this , jesus I have been in a shitty place.
Thanks so much for your help x

Why the hell would you be down in the dumps for weeks?

You've been down in the dumps for months because he keeps pushing you into a pit.

He spoiled your results day. If you had got rid of him a week ago then results day would have been a boost. Instead it was a drag.

When you dump him you are going to feel like a strong woman. Not getting rid is what's making you feel weak.

Seriously when you stop getting pushed over by him ten times a day you will be surprised at how steady and level the ground is, how your legs aren't weak and you don't have poor balance. Sure there will be a few days where you feel like you are still on the boat on the high seas not dry land but that will be trivial.

I know you did OP. 😉

But if you want to get out of this shitty place the only way it's going to happen is to get rid. It's not possible to keep them around and recover in any way shape or form.

The second they see it happening they do something so breathtakingly nasty you will wish you were back where you started. Why? Because it makes them feel powerful and in control and less shit about themselves. He's not getting what he wants out of life so is going to turn on you.

So either you pull the pin now or there's going to be a big awful scene probably in front of your children that leaves you feeling like you are actually going insane.

Maybe you need that to happen to really feel sure about this? But if it's timed the 'right' way he will fuck up your chances of going to uni.