Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

If you are anything like me you haven't exactly been a shrinking violet in your relationship . I reacted with anger and "stood up " for myself . I wasn't good at it and my boundaries in both relationships were awful.... But that made me think I was in a toxic relationship , not an abusive one .

I talked about this is counselling .... And learned that responding to abuse with anger is not the same as being abusive . Don't worry if you think you have behaved badly or have lost yourself . It's this relationship that caused it . It's not you .

Can you look into getting some counselling?

I know. I understand, I really do. And I feel for you, here you are wondering if you're going mad, so you go onto MN and here we all are bombarding you with information about what is actually a serious personality disorder. It's a lot to take in.

But you know we are right - most of us have first hand experience and we are all predicting what he will do. And now you know, it's kind of academic what you used to think - that's the past now.
Now, in the present, it's time to put your big girl pants on and just fucking do it - just tell him to go. Because now you know you can't un - know can you?
Otherwise not only is this going to keep making you feel shit, you will feel doubly shit because you knew what was going on and didn't do anything! It adds another layer to it and changes it into a situation you need to change urgently,

That will be an even more shit feeling, trust me. He's an animal in a cage (actually I love animals and it's a terrible analogy). He is what he is and will be what he is forever. You're the only one capable of change here.

You are literally the only human being here with free will. He will keep biting and biting and biting.

When I was little my parents took me to a zoo of some sort. There was a cafe with a ferret, or weasel in in and big signs saying not to put your hand in, it bites. What did I do age 3? No prizes for guessing. You are not 3.

The damage you will do to yourself and your belief in yourself will be even worse than his shit if you stay. He can't help himself but you can.. and when we are at a low ebb and make low ebb decisions that have ongoing repercussions it makes us feel even worse.

It's bloody hard, but not as hard as digging yourself out of the depression and self blame a year down the line, and the good side is that if you do this we will still be here, and you will feel amazing, and in control. In between mourning the loss of what you thought you had but didn't.

It's bloody hard, that part. But what can you do? Staying isn't an option is it? He won't dump you. If you let it drag in by the tine you get to uni you'll be a mess.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thanks , the last time I lost my cool was a while ago.
I realised that was his aim so I have started to ignore most of it so that means he persists.
I went to a mood group fo two months as I was off work with anxiety and depression . This helped.
I think i will look onto it again.
I suppose I am just being naive, I just thought it was one offs. When I look back I can see every red flag x

Not responding is a "grey Rick" technique I believe . I've never used it. I think it sound like a hard way to "be" in a relationship . I'm sorry , you must feel exhausted .

You had brilliant news yesterday , any plans to treat yourself?

Grey Rock lol. A grey Rick doesn't sound good ....

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 wise words!

I used to give me ex business partner a ton of shit (I managed to stress him out a lot sometimes. I'm glad). Did it change him? No. I moved to not seeing his pathetic behaviour, did it change him? No. I talked to him, like a grown up. Once I cried - he looked at me with cold dead flat eyes. I think he liked me more when I was being nasty. I tried to get him to buy me out so he could have it all. I tried to leave without him buying me out and watched him be cynically nice till I'd changed my mind.

At no point did any of this improve his behaviour. I disengaged, worked at home, but he needed me so not a lot he could do apart from try to take over in my absence. Which since I own more isn't possible.

His behaviour never stopped being shitty. Ever. I was like a cornered rat ready to chew my own foot off just to get away. I spent every waking hour trying to find a way out. The only answer was to leave with nothing, and I couldn't.

So when I see someone willingly staying when they could simply tell the abuser to go I just think to myself you have no idea how shit this can get. Doing thus to yourself is the emotional equivalent of cutting yourself all over with razor blades every day.

@Vodkacranberryplease
I know you guys are all right and it does make me sad.
I thought i was intelligent and I have let this go on and on for the routine and odd good day.
It is layering up but I have to face it.
Its not just something to ignore and I have two children i am dragging into this.
Thing that annoys me most is I had a gut feeling way at the start. And I put it down to new relationship etc.
It also makes me think my marriage wasn't that bad and maybe i shouldn't have left, deep.down yes I know I should have but it is like layers of feeling crap.
A bit of me also wants to make him suffer, probably impossible so I won't waste energy.
I have smashed his sunglasses up and cut one of the laces on his super expensive running shoes, childish yes but it was on the back of a good few days of shit.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 Most of it I just couldn't put words too.

This. This is it. They are not the same as psychopaths. They are under the radar. You know somethings going on but you just don't know what. Never again will I doubt myself. If I feel like this I'm out. Immediately.

Grey rock is good if you absolutely have to be in a room/house because you have no choice. I did that to x biz partner. Did it change him? No.

I spent years trying to manage myself, trying to become less reactive, trying to be calmer and happier and more resilient. Did it work? Not really.

The only thing that changed him, or me, was getting him out of my fucking life forever. That worked out really well actually.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thanks. I have already ordered a hoody and trainers i don't need lol.
Its something I got good at when I realised what he was doing.
Arguments would materialise from nothing so I wouldn't respond, the result is quite spectacular. It build and builds until he is like a mad man. These guys are something else.
I am exhausted and thats what make the next bit seem hard xx

@Vodkacranberryplease
That is a really effective way to put it
I honestly thought when I posted first a couple of weeks back that people would say that's normal or these things happen.
I was a bit shell shocked by the reactions.
Mostly because I could relate to all of them, that made me realise that I was dealing with a proper bastard.

Haha why not? If you really want to get childish revenge wait for his next run, pack his shit up and put it by the door then the second he gets in stand in front of the door with your arms folded and a look like thunder on your face and say

"I want you out of here right now you sick fuck. I'm not having a pervert like you around my children. Get your stuff and get the fuck out of my house right now or I will call the police. You always were shit in bed and now I know why. Go. Now." And make him go that very second. No shower nothing.

He will have literally no idea what's going on but because he actually is a sick fuck will be terrified of being exposed. So he will be dumped and you would have given him something to worry about. That's what I would do anyway. You might want to be less sweary 😁

Try it - you will be so pleased you did especially in a few months time and he will be too scared to mess with you. 😁😁

The thing is op, when I realised what they were, truly, there was no way I would let any of them stay in my life for a whole week longer!

I can only assume you dont know how dark this is because otherwise youd be running for the hills.

He doesnt live with you so have your locks changed and text him that it is over (I suggest 'this clearly isnt making either of us happy' - it helps to make it seem as if it is part their decision and good for them to leave) and then block him on everything. That it, done.

If he leaves any stuff, have a friend or relative take it to him. If he comes around your house or continues to harass you, call the police.

Do you want to do your course in September? Because I guarantee if you stay with him he will do everything he can to prevent that. He will try to get you feeling too low within or about yourself, to do it. Or if you start, he will do little things to sabotage you. Like hiding your coursework ect...or not doing things he said he would so that when you find out at the last minute they haven't been done (or he 'cant'do them), you have to do them, even when you had a really important assignment to finish ect...

OP it is never going to get easier for you to do this. Only harder if anything. Get it done and then you can begin your fresh start.

@Vodkacranberryplease
I love it.
I think he is a bit of a sicko. I am not so silly that I think porn doesn't get used but this was stuff I dont know existed.
Also think he had some sort of sexting thing going on, when I told him she had messaged me he went mad - blaming me. Should really have noticed that huge red flag.
He denies everything until he is blue in the face.
He is really loosing his shit right now as all his races have been cancelled so he can't get the usual admiration.
It felt bloody good cutting that lace.

Maybe just try and let it sink in for a while that you are in an abusive relationship . You are in a relationship with an abuser .

Narcissistic abuse might not leave bruises but it can be one of the worst and most degrading experiences a person can go through . It is truly awful . And I'm sorry.

You are exhausted but the thing is you only need to do one thing once. Then you can sit down and relax.

If you prefer to be non confrontational then wait till he's out, pack his stuff, put it out the front before he gets home with a note on the top saying 'Here are your things, I want you out of my life for good. I do not want you in the house with my children and I do not want you to contact me ever again. If you do I will call the police. I have put security measures in place and expect you to keep well away from us'

Again it will give him something to worry about, and will be a petty but satisfying close to a horrible horrible chapter.

OP please be careful. You are waving a big red flag at an angry bull. I hope he isnt in your home because if he finds out you've cut up his stuff that could get you in a world of shit.

As satisfying as it might be, he will use this to tell others that you were the crazy one.

Although, perhaps he will now do you the favour of leaving so you dont need to kick him out...

For anyone who has left a narcissist - do you feel guilty that you’ve walked away but your kids still have to deal with them?
My only child - a girl - is suffering and the guilt crushes me.

Ah, see you're not that exhausted are you? He's the one on the ropes if anything! Go on, put the boot in now. Just do it, it'll make you feel great.

I'm not a vengeful person but taking years of shit leaves you feeling like there's an imbalance, like it's a wrong that hasn't been righted. That's why cutting his laces, enjoying seeing him losing his shit etc is actually all part of the healing process.

People always talk about the high moral ground and they are mostly right. But sometimes getting your own back is a nice way to close things off, and not feel quite so much of a mug. Feeling like a doormat isn't fun - if you prove to yourself s as nd your children that you're not you'll gain back a bit of your self respect.

If he's losing his shit and is not physically dangerous I'd be inclined to press his buttons a bit more - subtly, for entertainment and then wait till he's just had some bad news or is feeling sorry for himself then bin him.

But do it really coldly. Like he's just some guy you went on a date with and can't even be bothered to be nice to,

Kin2020 .... My mum is a narcissist and my parents split up when I was very young.... All I know is I loved the time away from her when I was visiting my dad, it was balm . If I hadn't had that I don't know what I would have done because I would have had her 24/7. So you did the right thing breaking up with him.

Just make the time she's with you as safe and straightforward as possible . Encourage her to talk about things she might feel confused with ... Especially as she gets older . You did the right thing . She's safe some of the time and this will help her a lot .

Don't feel guilty . Seriously . This wasn't your doing xxxx

Bunny mummy he's not leaving. They don't unless they have someone new they prefer. And they are not all dangerous. Not if they think you have something on them that could seriously harm them.

My ex biz partner tried a bit of that but tbh (Telling people I was whatever) but he had already said everything long before I got him out so there was nothing more to say - people either believed him or they didn't. By the time they go it's far too late for damage limitation. Then I got him in an employment court case (he brought). Did it make him worse? No.

They respond to people having power over them. They don't become ok just because you treated them nicely or were fair, the opposite in fact. That's why abusers mostly mysteriously only abuse women. They be one much more dangerous when you are scared, weak and act like it. Act like you could destroy their lives and they move on to easier victims.

Kin2020 ... And I'm assuming your daughter is young .... If your ex is anything like my mum then they won't like it when she gets a bit older and starts being her own person. If/when that happens and he starts to lose attention act on that and minimise contact as much as possible . My mum wasn't interested at all when I was a teenager , only became interested again when I grew up and she could use me .

Sometimes they sorta fake leave though. For a week or so. Hoping you'll beg for them back.

Also, for all we know there could be other supply in the wings.

I agree though if you set the authorities on them many of them back off.

But they are most certainly all dangerous. And sometimes having something on them can make you more of a target. But I suppose, the best defence is...

@Bunnymumy
Thanks:)
I don't think I am accepting just how serious this is, I need to start.
I cut them weeks ago, just a lace. No not clever but at the time it unleashed my anger.
He has told everyone his ex was crazy i think people will see through him.
Thanks for your advice, i am going to realise just how bad this is and deal with it.
I have got so used to pushing everything to the side. Its scary.

@Bunnymumy
He has fake left loads over the years. Looking back I should have let him one argument and I got the response i am leaving would pack up and then not leave
Loads x

@Vodkacranberryplease
Right now I am a mix of anger and exhausted.
It is a lot to take in that someone is doing this on purpose.
Like @CrazyDaysAndMondays10 has said. I need to let that sink in because I think right now I haven't taken all this in. X