Walking away from a narcissist- advice please

[Nursing2029]

Hi
After posting yesterday its clear I am dealing with a narcissist.
For some reason i am finding it hard to walk away - fear or change, I still have feelings and disruption to my kids are the things I think about( they are not his kids).
Any advice on how to get away from him would be good, I didn't realise until yesterday how much he has mucked about with my head x

And check out Melanie Tonia . She does a free 16 day course where she sends you an email every day which links to a video about a different narcissist behaviour ... It's pretty good so far .

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thanks, this is what I keep thinking if I defend myself from it , if i am expecting it then it won't hurt me. It does.
I got my results today for my last assessment, cause for celebration, he ruined it. X

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thanks i have apart from him. How are you?
Thanks i will have a look at these , thank you x

Oh fantastic!!!! Congratulations , and jubilations!!!
That's amazing!!! I'm so happy for me

I was nervous to ask ....

That is so good .... Do you're starting uni? Ammmaaaazzziiinngg ! That is so good . You're only 38, you've got kids , but this is going to be life changing . Well done you !

And as for him ruining it . They ruin everything that isn't about them . It's part of it . It's pathetic .

Block him . Google grey rock method . Mine nearly destroyed my life I was with him 5 years the head fucking was insane . He will only get worse . He also treated my eldest son like shit and it still affects him now he's 19 he hates him but understands we were being abused and it was a very unhealthy situation. Block block block never look back , you aren't going that way

I'm so happy for you!!! ( Just read I was so happy for me , I am happy for me being happy for you!!!)

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thanks so so much. I am so relieved.
You are right this is life changing, can't believe he has ruined this.
I start in September:).
He looked like he was seething.
How has your day been?.xx

@lloveme30
Thanks for the advice, I will google it.
He has no time for my kids at all. How long did it take you to get over him? Xx

I've had a better day , I feel more like me , I've felt a bit silly at times ... But also struggling with not doing much . I've started contacting people and companies about work .... Oh wow . You must feel amazing ! Don't let him dampen that . I remember my ex saying I would go to uni and find someone better than him... That's all he said . They don't care about us .

But we do xxxxx

@lloveme30
I hope you are ok now. It scares me that there are so many people like this x

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Thats great, I am glad you have had a good day.
Good luck with finding work.
They only care about themselves.
I am bit deflated because of him but still really happy:).
You have uni to look forward to aswell :) xx

I'm sorry OP but you are doing it again. You are expecting normal behaviour and being hurt and disappointed when you don't get it. It's like you keep sticking your hand in the cage of a wild animal and are surprised when it bites you. Again.

Why the FUCK would you let him into an important event like that? Of course he's going to ruin it - just likes he's going to ruin it if he's still around when you go (or he will stop you going).

It's hard to break up with people especially even abusers. But you have to stop 'following your heart' and start looking at the cold hard facts and how he actually makes you feel. Not how you want Him to make you feel. Of course he was seething.

I honestly don't know they get from it - but I don't care either. Who cares whether he's deeply insecure or whatever, he's ruining your life! Lockdown is almost over. You could have him out within days and I can tell you right now your overwhelming emotion will be sheer, blessed relief.

@Vodkacranberryplease
Stupidly I thought not even he would ruin something so good, yeah i was wrong on that one.
Really wrong.
I have bought a couple of books and have been watching YouTube
There used to be a balance of good and bad with him which I can see now is in no way acceptable, now the bad days are more and more frequent and I just feel numb to it all which is no way to live.
Hecis a total bastard.
Thanks for your advice:)

I remember reading about narcissistic supply .

Correct me if I'm wrong anyone.

I initially thought it was attention , positive attention . They need the spotlight on them , need to be talking and focusing on them ... Tbh I would have been okay doing this ( I know I'm pathetic!!! ). But .... Narcissistic supply isn't just this .

Narcissists get off on us being angry and upset . They feel strong because they have the power to reduce us to this . Does that make sense ?. "The angrier she gets the more she cares". .... They don't care at all that it is destroying us . Not one little single bit. He won't change, he can't change .

You can't wait for the one, awful thing to happen to make it easy . He knows how far to push you , and he's fucking with your head more and more all the time but he knows the limits . He probably prefers killing you softly .

Listen to "jar of hearts" by Christina Perri and that song by Selina Gomez. " lose you to love me?" . Both about narcissists .

Today is going to be a better day xxxxx

Are there any physical barriers to dumping him? Like him always being in the house so you have to do it in person, or him having loads of stuff at your house so handing it over makes total no contact difficult, or he has sublet his own place or something?

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
I love the Selena Gomez song - he hates it to the point he asks me to turn it off, too close to home perhaps?
He loves the spotlight, he adds drama to stories to get attention. Loves a Facebook post fosussing on his achievements.
Everytime I am happy and strong it comes out of the blue and I fend it off for a bit and he pushes and pushes me.
He tries to make me jealous a lot too but when I noticed what he was doing and stopped reacting he started using different tactics.

First year was the speaking about other women and telling me about lads chat that he probably made up, I stopped reacting.
Over the years I have found weird porn, phrases on his phone that were beyond seedy.
He has gradually reduced any affection over the years - makes me seem weird when I mentioned it.
To the point where he made intimacy weird.
These are just snippets of what happened the minute I stop letting one thing bother me he starts another.
All he has left just now is anger.
He acts the victim a lot- saying that I try to control him, don't like what he does etc.
It has messed my head up so so much.
X

He acts the victim a lot- saying that I try to control him, don't like what he does etc.
To be fair you do want to control him. You find his behaviour totally unacceptable, rightly so, but instead of cutting him loose you look for ways to change his behaviour. You don't like what he does, rightly so.

The big thing wrong here is that two incompatible people who actively dislike each other are playing a game of chicken over who leaves first. Just rip the bloody plaster off.

@TorkTorkBam
Never really thought of it like that.
He comes across as being moralistic would never disrespect people etc.
Are there loads of these guys out there?

I mean this in the nicest possible way....however....

He's not the only one acting the victim. What are you getting out of this? Attention, sympathy, feeling like a good person to his narcissist? Being a helpless victim is a much better feeling than being a willing participant in something deeply fucked up. We can all do it at times.

Maybe before you can do this you need to have a couple of cbt sessions (Skype?) and a think about your part in it and what you are gaining, and whether it's worth it.

It's not your fault he's a nasty prick. It is your fault that you are still in a relationship with him though, isn't it? You could just say 'I'm sorry but I can't do this. I need you to pack your things and be gone by the end of the day.'

@Vodkacranberryplease
To be honest i didn't really realise what I was dealing with until I posted here.
I knew it wasn't right but thought it was normal relationship bullshit.
It wasn't until I put everything together I realised what was going on.
I honestly have never looked at myself as a victim as the way i have been thinking this is normal and for a long time he blamed outbursts on me, so I thought I had said something out of turn.
A lot of this was while I was going through a divorce so wasn't exactly thinking straight or full of fight.
Also hadn't been in a new relationship for a while so I bounced a couple of minor things off friends who brushed it off saying it was probably just one offs.
When I got stronger after the divorce he ramped it up and I never noticed.
If i am honest its fear of the aftermath of another split , i know that's silly but my divorce was painful and I am trying to avoid that feeling.
After speaking to everyone on here I realise its inevitable that I need to end it i suppose delaying it delays the crap feeling but I know this is catch 22.

The way he is acting is completely authentic to who he is and feeds and sustains him just fine . He could last forever in this environment.

The way you are acting is causing you great distress , is moving you further and further from happiness and self enlightenment and is completely unsustainable . You ever met a bitter old woman ? She probably stayed with a narcissist. You can't keep who you are when you stay with them .

It's never going to be easy , just get some space from him at least and let yourself rest .

And the not realising you are with a narcissist.....I spent 26 years of my life in a relationship with my mother , I understood she was cruel and abusive , I went no contact because of her awfulness. Most of it I just couldn't put words too.

I then have a relationship with someone who I truly believe to be narcissistic and I start reading ... And I'm reading about my mum. No doubt in my head . Its crazy .

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Its like i keep my mind so busy I shut it out.
Going to write it all down. And make plans for after.
Putting it off is easy but in reality I know its stupid.
What a lesson to learn xx