@Nursing2029 Don't blame yourself or hate yourself. But equally stop being your own worst enemy! You can keep trying to wrap your head around this till the cows come home, it's not going to make it better. You can not fix it, you can not heal him, you can not manage the situation. I'm sure you are one of the loveliest most giving people ever.
But isn't it a kind of arrogance to think that somehow you are different, that this is different, that somehow this can get better? And isn't it just masochistic to just sit there and let it happen? To say 'oh I don't have the strength' and watch your friends vanish and your confidence drain.
When does it stop? When do you draw the line? When you have literally nothing and no one? Do you think you'll feel 'strong enough' to leave then? How do you think that strength will magically appear when each day depletes you more? It doesn't make sense.
You don't want to because you are scared of the future and being on your own and you think, deep inside, if only you could understand the problem you could fix it. He's loving to others so if only you can find the magic words he will melt and be loving to you too.
As I said.. it's a kind of arrogance (and I know you are far from that) and a kind of masochism and it's just so sad when you have friends still and no kids with him and are so young and have a whole life to live.
The timing will never be right. You will never feel ok. It will be painful and difficult and basically hell on earth for a week or two. Just accept that and it all just gets so much clearer.