Anyone else parent with someone with no empathy? How do you cope?

[notaprettygirl]

My children's father has almost no empathy to an extraordinary degree. He also has a strong belief he is always right. He is unable to understand other people's thoughts, feelings or behaviour. He doesn't hold other people in mind, at all. Not even his own children. This has all sorts of implications. He won't, for example, keep our youngest safe from cars as he just forgets he is meant to, and gets distracted by his own thoughts, leaving the youngest to wander into the road. As he is always right, he never learns from these times as he will never admit to making a mistake. He will actively deny demonstrable and provable reality to insist he is right. He appears to genuinely believe his blatant lies.

He is unable to read his children's emotions properly. So if one of our children has become emotionally overwhelmed, often by something his dad has done, their Dad will not calm his own emotions to deal with the child, but instead becomes emotionally overwhelmed by the child's anger or upset, and kicks off himself, making the child utterly distraught. Or if our toddler is upset, and he goes to comfort him and the toddler says, 'I want Mummy', he will respond by becoming angry and shouting ' Fuck this shit, what's wrong with me? Why don't you want me?' and storming out of the room, slamming the door. This is because he can only understand his own emotions.
He wants the emotional reward from his child being comforted by him and he cannot cope with rejection. He can't see the hurt child, he can only see his self and his own feelings.

Since having children I can really see that his behaviour is like that of a toddler - poor emotional regulation due to not being able to empathise with others.
I have asked him to go to GP for an assessment and see if there is any treatment- I have read about specific treatments for people who sound like him. I don't know if he will. And even if he does, he is completely unable to accept he has a problem.

I know people will helpfully ask why I had children with this man. Of course I regret it and is causes me deep pain that this seriously dysfunctional man is their Father. I didn't realise how bad he was till we had children. We had our own separate lives and got on well and there just weren't many things to bring us into conflict.
When things are calm and well he is fine, he is loving and affectionate (or appears that way, I realise now that these feelings are not real selfless love but him enjoying the feeling of being in love). But having children has caused stress he can't cope with and a need for attunement and othering someone else that he just can't do.

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

user1481840227 'It sounds like you are completely catastrophizing'

It sounds like you've disregarded all but fragments of OP's posts.

OP I grew up with a parent frighteningly similar to your children's father. Your descriptions of his mentality and behaviour chill me.

I don't have the answers,
but I needed to let you know that I get it. I'm so sorry that you and your children are in this situation.

OP this sounds so exhausting! I was also married (until a few months ago) to a man who has massive struggles with empathy and I totally understand feeling like you have more control of the situation whilst you are i the marriage than you would have if you left.

The reality is, though, that you are putting huge amounts of effort into compensating for his shortcomings and that is just totally unsustainable. At some point, you will burn yourself out with it and, ultimately, nothing you do is going to make up for his inadequacies. These are his problem alone, even if they do affect the rest of you.

You cannot take on responsibility for his role, you cannot change the father your kids have and you cannot change him. Even if he agreed to see someone to get a diagnosis, he would presumably then need to commit to lengthy and intensive therapy to try and correct some of what’s going on. That is not very likely if he can’t empathise to start with. It is also assuming that he has a disorder that can be corrected to any degree and that might be doubtful.

What you can do is change things for the better for you. Leave the marriage if that is what you would really like to do FOR YOU. Your kids will be ok if you are ok. You will be able to pour far more positive attention into their lives if you are away from him and they will be able to see him for what he really is too, without your compensating obscuring their view.

Getting some counselling for yourself might be really useful. Sounds like you have had a tough time and having someone to vent who can understand the psychological effects of his dysfunction might be really helpful. Even if you don’t feel he has been emotionally abusive, he has certainly not been the positive opposite.

Good luck

Many of us grew up with parents who did far less than what you describe him doing! Kids are generally so resilient as long as they know they have one person who loves them and is there for them in that way.

What the fuck even is this shit?

'Kids are resilient' - get to fuck. Kids deserve better.

I lived with someone like this for many years. Eventually I realised he would never change and 2 years ago I started divorce proceedings ( the children were then 9 and 6).

@curtainsforme

Many of us grew up with parents who did far less than what you describe him doing! Kids are generally so resilient as long as they know they have one person who loves them and is there for them in that way.

What the fuck even is this shit?

'Kids are resilient' - get to fuck. Kids deserve better.

Wtf is your shit response all about? Perhaps ask in a nicer way if you don't understand why i'm saying what i'm saying!!!

There has been a lot of research on resilience in children and having one person who is supportive and loves them does help to ensure that they are resilient. This poster is so worried that her children will be harmed emotionally if they have to spend a lot of time with him on their own and thinks she should stay in the same household as him for that reason!!!!

I am not saying that it's OK for the other parent to not be a good parent, but that unfortunately it happens and it is not in the best interests of the child/children to stay with the person then because he is a bad parent.

It's in their best interests that they split up!

Yes kids do deserve better!! but he is NOT going to change. No one can make him be a better father. No one can wave a magic wand and give them the best that they deserve. That's the father that they are stuck with.

So she should leave (which is the right thing to do) so that the kids aren't in the house with him 100% of the time.

@BreakingTheChain

user1481840227 'It sounds like you are completely catastrophizing'

It sounds like you've disregarded all but fragments of OP's posts.

OP I grew up with a parent frighteningly similar to your children's father. Your descriptions of his mentality and behaviour chill me.

I don't have the answers,
but I needed to let you know that I get it. I'm so sorry that you and your children are in this situation.

No, i'm not trying to do that at all.

I'm just saying that she can see a more sinister side, the lack of empathy, the oddness about him, that the love he shows is more about him than about them.

But i'm saying that when they're young the kids are not going to be thinking like that.

It's not a reason to be frightened into staying. When or if the kids do become aware of things like that when they are older then at least they will have her to go home to, they can see the difference in her household and the contrast and how parents and loved ones should be responding emotionally.

I think it would be easier to do that if they don't live with him!!

As a pp said, she has to deal with a man like this and she split with him and she knows that after her kids are with their dad they have a safe warm home to come back to and that's the best option she can give them right now because it was better than the kids having to be with him all of the time.

Wtf is your shit response all about? Perhaps ask in a nicer way if you don't understand why i'm saying what i'm saying!!!

I understood exactly what you said. I was not asking what you said. was saying 'fuck that' to what you said.

@curtainsforme

Wtf is your shit response all about? Perhaps ask in a nicer way if you don't understand why i'm saying what i'm saying!!!

I understood exactly what you said. I was not asking what you said. was saying 'fuck that' to what you said.

Well fuck that to what you said too if you can't see when people are trying to be helpful.

Well fuck that to what you said too if you can't see when people are trying to be helpful.

My post wasn't about not seeing you were trying to be helpful, it was about not agreeing with what you said. Given your response though it's no surprise you couldn't tell the difference.

My post wasn't about not seeing you were trying to be helpful, it was about not agreeing with what you said. Given your response though it's no surprise you couldn't tell the difference

Oh look i'm not interested in getting into a stupid online argument.
I responded as I did because of your wtf statement.

I think we can all bloody agree that kids deserve better. Every single one of us thinks that. Unfortunately in this case there's a father with some kind of issues, nothing any of us said can change that or make him a better father...so it just has to be accepted that he won't change or be the father they deserve.

but it sounds like they have a great mother who can get them through it and she will be better equipped to do that if they live apart and the kids will be fine in the end!

Blimey...please do not leave him with your children. You need to leave AND take your children with you. You come across as though you want to go but leave your kids there!

Hi, I'm going through the same thing. I'm suffering domestic abuse as are my children. I have contacted childrens services adult services . It's not nice is it I dont sleep through worry. I'm here if u need me.

Hi OP. My XH sounds like yours. I'm really glad I'm out now. Much better for the children we have. I decided that sociopath describes him as well as any if a label had to be applied. He is selfish and sees everything in terms of how it affects him "the kids enjoyed seeing me this weekend." He loves them but will walk across a road leaving them to fend for themselves (they're 10 now) and not see what the problem is. He also has no empathy but tries to learn certain emotional behaviours to cover it up. I get what your concern is OP. My XH had relatively little contact with them for a while due to work logistics and they can now see that he's different to mum in the way he deals with things. And that it's better with mum although Disney dad is great for 'doing things'...

@MattBerrysHair

For most people with autism there may be difficulties with demonstrative empathy, (knowing what to do when another is distressed or sad) and maybe even with cognitive empathy (putting yourself in another's shoes in order to understand their distress), but lacking in emotional empathy (feeling sad that another is sad or distressed) is not part of the diagnostic criteria

I have an ASD diagnosis, the part regarding cognitive empathy describes me to a tee. I simply can not comprehend why someone might be upset about something that would be water of a duck's back to me, so much so that I find it completely bewildering in a sort of 'raised eyebrow' way.

This doesn't mean I don't feel emotional empathy when someone I care about is distressed.

Anyway, the main reason for posting is that I often see it repeated on here that 'Autism is no excuse for being an abuser', and while I agree with the sentiment on face value, it's often accompanied by a tone of indignation that suggests those making it completely refute any suggestion of possible causality whatsoever, presumably because not all autistic people are abusive, and therefore it's somehow offensive to even suggest it.

I chose not to have children, in part because I know I'd make for a completely useless parent because of my inability to put myself in other people's shoes. My lack of cognitive empathy is most definitely 'caused' by my autism, and the awkward situations I sometimes get into because of it are most definitely the result of being autistic, not because I'm an abuser. I chose not to have any involvement with my relatives' children, partly because I just don't enjoy the company of children, but also because I recognise they need things from an adult that I just can not give them. I makes both me and the children feel extremely uncomfortable around each other, so it's easier to just not bother.

People need to realise that sometimes the suggestion someone might be ASD is being made because some of the behaviours described can be present in people with ASD, and not because the person suggesting ASD is trying to make 'excuses' for abuse. There's a difference between offering a possible explanation for a behaviour and excusing or dismissing it.

Thanks @XDownwiththissortofthingX that's a really helpful explanation.

Thanks xDown. I honestly think most of my dads difficulties stem from this. He wasnt intentionally neglectful . Just genuinely didnt see that I would need food if he wasnt hungry/ would be upset by something if he wasnt etc. In his case it led to an awful childhood but Im sure with insight andna caring partner it neednt have .

It sounds like you don't want to be with him but are scared of him having the children alone (understandably). Can you gather evidence - diary of dates and facts, record (secretly) exchanges between him and the children and later the discussions you have with him about this showing you trying to get him to understand and modify his behaviour. Then when you're ready you have some evidence that might hopefully persuade authorities to minimise the contact they have or have this supervised.

Notaprettygirl I have just read all
If your posts and it is like looking in a mirror! I am so happy, in a weird way, that someone else is experiencing what I am. It makes me feel vindicated and that I am not imagining it all, over reacting, being over sensitive etc! I understand completely how hard this is to try and explain to anyone, it is just not black and white, and the behaviour of my partner, like you’ve said, just doesn’t tick all of the right boxes. I have the same issues as you, literally a carbon copy, however add to that that we split up for a year, he left me, I sold the family home, bought a new house, then found out he’d been having an affair, I feel that just makes me even more of an idiot doesn’t it! I took him back as he’d ended It with her by the time I found out, and was saying he desperately wanted me back, and I still loved him, so back I went. I think I’m noticing all of this now, because I really hadn’t before, or certainly hadn’t put a label on it, because of our time apart, along with my tolerance levels being lower due to what else he did. He lies, never takes responsibility for anything, rides his bike with our 6 year old behind him and doesn’t check roads etc, has no empathy at all, treats the kids as if they are there when wants them. But the same as yours, can be so affectionate, loving, generous, never stops me doing anything etc. I just can’t bring myself to leave him, I keep hoping one day he will realise, one day he will understand. I get you! Xx

Hi

Mama73 you can tag posters by putting @ before there user name, or you can start a thread of your own

@hockeysticks89 thankyou, can you tell I’m
New to this x