Anyone else parent with someone with no empathy? How do you cope?

[notaprettygirl]

My children's father has almost no empathy to an extraordinary degree. He also has a strong belief he is always right. He is unable to understand other people's thoughts, feelings or behaviour. He doesn't hold other people in mind, at all. Not even his own children. This has all sorts of implications. He won't, for example, keep our youngest safe from cars as he just forgets he is meant to, and gets distracted by his own thoughts, leaving the youngest to wander into the road. As he is always right, he never learns from these times as he will never admit to making a mistake. He will actively deny demonstrable and provable reality to insist he is right. He appears to genuinely believe his blatant lies.

He is unable to read his children's emotions properly. So if one of our children has become emotionally overwhelmed, often by something his dad has done, their Dad will not calm his own emotions to deal with the child, but instead becomes emotionally overwhelmed by the child's anger or upset, and kicks off himself, making the child utterly distraught. Or if our toddler is upset, and he goes to comfort him and the toddler says, 'I want Mummy', he will respond by becoming angry and shouting ' Fuck this shit, what's wrong with me? Why don't you want me?' and storming out of the room, slamming the door. This is because he can only understand his own emotions.
He wants the emotional reward from his child being comforted by him and he cannot cope with rejection. He can't see the hurt child, he can only see his self and his own feelings.

Since having children I can really see that his behaviour is like that of a toddler - poor emotional regulation due to not being able to empathise with others.
I have asked him to go to GP for an assessment and see if there is any treatment- I have read about specific treatments for people who sound like him. I don't know if he will. And even if he does, he is completely unable to accept he has a problem.

I know people will helpfully ask why I had children with this man. Of course I regret it and is causes me deep pain that this seriously dysfunctional man is their Father. I didn't realise how bad he was till we had children. We had our own separate lives and got on well and there just weren't many things to bring us into conflict.
When things are calm and well he is fine, he is loving and affectionate (or appears that way, I realise now that these feelings are not real selfless love but him enjoying the feeling of being in love). But having children has caused stress he can't cope with and a need for attunement and othering someone else that he just can't do.

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

@curtainsforme obviously absolutely none But what's the alternative? Nobody is explaining how on earth op can protect her dc if they are with him unsupervised for half the week?
It's all very well telling her to leave but the poor women desperately needs support and to be reassured that her dc would be ok alone with this man. Can anyone offer that?

Have you ever told him that you’re really unhappy and thinking of leaving (even if you’re not considering that at the moment)

Yes, I have. I've told him I think we should split. He doesn't retain information he doesn't want to hear, so it makes no difference. I once remember him saying that it is very noticeable when I have period as my mood goes to shit ( he didn't put it quite like that), but the thing is, my period doesn't affect my mood. And I realised that whenever I raise and issue or complaint or am annoyed or upset with him, he must tell himself 'She's on her period', hence being able to ignore and dismiss whatever I say.

I have decided to stop replying to posters who are creating fictions about what mine and my children's lives are like. I was going to give one final response, but I don't think it will be heard.
I realise your intentions are good, but you are making false extrapolations, ignoring information I have already given which would have answered some of the points/questions you make and have I don't think there is anything to be gained from replying to them further.

Nobody is explaining how on earth op can protect her dc if they are with him unsupervised for half the week?

She is not protecting them now

Do you not understand that? All this whataboutery to try and justify encouraging an woman and her children to stay with an abusive man is just batshit.

Got rid of them.

I'd leave him, he sounds like a damaging psychopath

OP here's the thing about being with an abusive parent, because this is a really common conundrum women in abusive relationships face, even if the situations don't match up entirely.

If they're with you 50% of the time without him, they'll spend that 50% of the time in a stress free environment, having their emotional needs met, able to be themselves. Able to work through any issues they have with their father with you in a safe space.

If they're with you and him, then you may be able to deflect some of the worst of it but they're constantly 100% of the time going to have some levels of stress. Even if you don't see it, even if they love him, even if they have fun with him. They know he's capable of exploding at them, and on some level they're always watchful for that, never fully able to relax in the way they are with you. This doesn't translate to quiet subdued kids but it is there in the back of their minds, whirring away, doing damage.

From the point of view of their emotional health it is 100% better for them to have that solo time with you, even if the other 50% is worse than they currently experience. The question for me is how much you're concerned about their physical safety with them.

You say he's disregulated with others and won't back down- in all seriousness, if a social worker asked him about times he took a call and let the children run in a busy car park, would have the sense to deny it or continue to defend his behaviour?

I would be tempted to get a list together of incidents like that, contact social services and say you're at the point where you're worried he's a danger and see about parenting classes, some sort of intervention like that. Ask for their advise on being the protective parent in a relationship with a man who puts their physical safety at risk - I think that is more quantifiable than the emotional damage.

If you can get on their radar things that he won't deny, and start from the point of view of making him get some external perspective on it, then at least there will be a record of that when you separate.

It would of course be best to reduce his contact from 50/50 as much as you can, but in the meantime there are resources for parents on how to deal with the stress children face going to their abuser. There are ways you can help them. But they all involve giving them the space to have time away from him, the situation you describe is unique but the worry is common and the best advise is still to leave when you feel able.

Now I've rtft I understand why you can't leave him. I would wait until the kids are a bit older before leaving. I'd get them counselling as soon as they're able to benefit from it.

I understand, I really do. With this sort of situation it's the devil you do or the devil you don't. I had to stay in a terrible environment because it was the lesser of the evils. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than the alternative.

Can I ask what he was like before you had children? I assume he was nice enough to you for you to consider having children, that there were no alarm bells at that time? How is he different now? For me, my DP was charm personified until I was pg with DD and then he showed himself. Based on your OP my DP is very similar, but some of your posts seem to tend towards him having a disability/being on the spectrum rather than a personality disorder.

You say he doesn't see that his behaviour is wrong but I'm sure he would know of someone treated him that way

Any chance he's autistic?

@OP what is his work situation like? Mine pretended to have a job through the entirety of our marriage, and was only ever available to the DC with stuff he wanted to do: even now he only wants them so he can showboat them (family events). He sees them EOW and has no other contact. He hasn't the mindset to "be a daddy" unless he's doing it in front of other people.

I have always ensured the DC have a choice as to whether they go EOW or not - sometimes they have chosen no to and he has hit the roof. It has given the children their own experience of his behaviour. They no longer idolise this dad, as his Disney tendencies have been smashed to pieces by his childish behaviour. Despite the fact they have been returned to me with burns, stories, strange happenings (which I logged directly with the GP and the safeguarding hub), despite the fact I've called the police out twice on him, he has never truly overstepped the mark and that's what makes his abuse so insidious. He can no longer get to me because I'm not there so he is deeply cruel to the children.

I get you. I understand. This really helped me recently because I thought now I'm three year down the line I should be ok.

I'm not.

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#what-to-do

Any chance he's autistic?

Stop. Just bloody stop it.

I ended up with the kids in 50/50 custody with a similar kind of person. All my fears were the same as yours and it kept me in the relationship despite me knowing exactly what he was.

Whilst I don't believe I could advise you either way - maybe seeing my story might help?

In the end the custody arrangement was not my choice but, As time has gone on I now appreciate that the kids have half of their time away from him. They have half of their life with me where their feelings are validated and their emotional needs are met. They can express themselves fully with me and it's not all good! However, it is emotional my healthy and I do offer them a safe home where they can be themselves - good and bad bits. I think/hope that fosters in them an emotional resourcefulness which will help to cope with their (at best) self centred Dad, who can only allow them to adore him and at times is downright cruel.

They perform like puppets for him as they are young - and it exhausts them. It makes me sad to see how emotionally spent they are by the time they come back to me, but I always remind myself that at least they do not have to endure it 100%of the time, which they wound have if I had stayed.

I know his psychopathy will leave it's mark on the kids - it can't not. - and I am anxious about what lies ahead for them. But despite all of that, I remind myself at least they experience an alternative which I hope gives them strength to counter the damage he does.

It is tough, but I am a better person for my kids away from him. The authorities (Cafcass) listened to the concerns I had and made recommendations accordingly, but nothing was seen as sufficiently serious for the Court to take it into account in the end. He is a psychopathic manipulator and did his life's best work to get his win.

He continues in the same vein even now, years on, but I just push it to the back of my mind, get very stressed occasionally and then remind myself to get on with living my life.

I wish you and your children peace and calm, however you can find it x

If you recognise these qualities in him OP then he's displaying signs of sociopathy which is really worrying (obviously) and I think you'll need some help from professionals. Do the descriptors in the picture I've attached ring true to you?

Or if our toddler is upset, and he goes to comfort him and the toddler says, 'I want Mummy', he will respond by becoming angry and shouting ' Fuck this shit, what's wrong with me? Why don't you want me?' and storming out of the room, slamming the door.

Don't let him or anyone else tell you for one minute that he isn't abusive - it is.

It was shocking to read that exchange and also that he had a defence for letting little one run out into the road - all the parents I know would have felt awful and been really shaken up by that.

You poor thing this sounds awful and I understand it's not easy to hear everyone saying LTB but in this case I think you have to find a way of doing so because as your children grow up they are going to be more aware of this abuse, more likely to receive it as they start answering back more / being an increasingly size as him therefore able to escalate things AND they'll become resentful of you staying.

Sorry, this is an awful situation for you

Watching as I feel similar x

If you regularly have to intervene because he's freaking out and the kids are upset and he can't handle it and starts having tantrums himself then he won't want to have them there all the time.

What would happen if you weren't there? I mean you're saying that you can't leave because then you can't intervene or comfort your children!! but what if you aren't there?
Then it will maybe escalate that time, maybe the next time after that too...but it's not going to keep happening forever because he won't be able to deal with that all the time. He won't take them as much.

You keep saying you can't leave, but you need to realise that people in worse situations have left and people with worse co-parents to deal with have left.

Hi OP I feel for you. I don't think I could leave in your situation either I think I would however start planning my exit for when the children were older and leaving them with him would be less of a worry. Can you do this? Take back some control by getting into a finanacially more secure position so you can leave when you want to.

How old are the children? Mine are 5 and 11 and I still feel worried to leave, even with the 11 year old x

It's really worrying the amount of people on this thread who advocate staying with an abuser.

My DP isn’t aggressive - but will be on phone while ignoring safety. And our toddler always favours me if hurt/tired. He does apologise, but still continues the behaviour. Rightly or wrongly, I have stopped trying to change his behaviour. He has a good job, earns well - so I’ve decided that’s ‘his’ role. I’m not going to return to work, and focus purely on the children. I prejudge the dangerous situations, and hover. I’ve stopped any expectations of him, and do it myself. I know this isn’t ideal, and my situation is nowhere near as bad as what you are experiencing - but our arguments have lessened.

I have a far better social awareness than my partner - whereas he is very technical and excels in this area. I’m wondering if my expectation of him to be social is as alien to him as any expectation of me to be technical. I’m completely useless with tech.

I also thought perhaps he's on the spectrum.

I know people are saying it's wrong to suggest that but how could anyone possibly know he's not?

I also thought perhaps he's on the spectrum.

Are you in any way a professional when it comes to diagnosing autism?

I know people are saying it's wrong to suggest that but how could anyone possibly know he's not?

They can't. It's wrong to suggest his abusive behaviour is down to being autistic though.

@backseatcookers - that post you shared about sociopaths has sent chills to my core. Everything on it describes my exH.

You list out loads of good things he does that will make the kids feel loved and nurtured. You say he can't deal with the emotional and psychological needs at all, but they see and appreciate the other things he does.

Many of us grew up with parents who did far less than what you describe him doing! Kids are generally so resilient as long as they know they have one person who loves them and is there for them in that way. That doesn't mean you need to be there at the time to intervene or stop tantrums from happening.

You seem to have a big issue with the fact that he does all these nice things and cuddles and kisses and praises them and so on but that it's not about them at all, and it's all about how he feels and how it suits him.....the thing is that at such a young age your kids are unaware of that kind of thing. When their daddy praise them they feel that praise, they don't overthink it and think it's all about him.

It sounds like you are completely catastrophizing