Anyone else parent with someone with no empathy? How do you cope?

[notaprettygirl]

My children's father has almost no empathy to an extraordinary degree. He also has a strong belief he is always right. He is unable to understand other people's thoughts, feelings or behaviour. He doesn't hold other people in mind, at all. Not even his own children. This has all sorts of implications. He won't, for example, keep our youngest safe from cars as he just forgets he is meant to, and gets distracted by his own thoughts, leaving the youngest to wander into the road. As he is always right, he never learns from these times as he will never admit to making a mistake. He will actively deny demonstrable and provable reality to insist he is right. He appears to genuinely believe his blatant lies.

He is unable to read his children's emotions properly. So if one of our children has become emotionally overwhelmed, often by something his dad has done, their Dad will not calm his own emotions to deal with the child, but instead becomes emotionally overwhelmed by the child's anger or upset, and kicks off himself, making the child utterly distraught. Or if our toddler is upset, and he goes to comfort him and the toddler says, 'I want Mummy', he will respond by becoming angry and shouting ' Fuck this shit, what's wrong with me? Why don't you want me?' and storming out of the room, slamming the door. This is because he can only understand his own emotions.
He wants the emotional reward from his child being comforted by him and he cannot cope with rejection. He can't see the hurt child, he can only see his self and his own feelings.

Since having children I can really see that his behaviour is like that of a toddler - poor emotional regulation due to not being able to empathise with others.
I have asked him to go to GP for an assessment and see if there is any treatment- I have read about specific treatments for people who sound like him. I don't know if he will. And even if he does, he is completely unable to accept he has a problem.

I know people will helpfully ask why I had children with this man. Of course I regret it and is causes me deep pain that this seriously dysfunctional man is their Father. I didn't realise how bad he was till we had children. We had our own separate lives and got on well and there just weren't many things to bring us into conflict.
When things are calm and well he is fine, he is loving and affectionate (or appears that way, I realise now that these feelings are not real selfless love but him enjoying the feeling of being in love). But having children has caused stress he can't cope with and a need for attunement and othering someone else that he just can't do.

I don't know how to handle this anymore.

Oh i don't get anything out of it- I bloody hate him.

But its the opposite. I can't protect them if I am NOT here. I regularly have to intervene in how he is behaving. He really, really upsets my eldest who is very sensitive. And then becomes angry at my eldest for being upset, and to him, our son is being weird and utterly mystifying in his reaction, as he just cannot understand what has happened to upset him. If I leave, I will not be there to stop that or to comfort my son. I do not want to abandon my son to face that alone.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

His lack of empathy here is a huge red flag for he being a narcissistic parent and they make for being deplorably bad parent figures.

An incident like the toddler running into the road and his pathetic justification of his behaviour would make me pack up my bags and go, taking the DC.

You need to talk to social services about him if you do split up - it's severe neglect and he should only see his children in a contact centre.

You are all talking as if if I left the problem of their father would be solved. But it wouldn't. It would be increased. As they would have to deal with it alone.

if I could leave and they wouldn't have to see him again, I would be gone.

But they would spend 50% of their time alone with him.

Sorry OP, it sounds awful and yes, I agree with pp - he is abusive. It doesn't matter why. It causes damage to you and your children and you need to protect yourselves.

Start writing down what has happened, what is happening. Contact Women's Aid for support. Get legal advice. Do all this before you change your relationship or living situation. You may not have to move

So many people make this type of relationship error; they really do think that by intervening as you are doing and have done it helps your children at home. What you are doing now is not working and will not work. Apart from anything else you are clearly not able to fully protect them from him even if you are there. You may think you are a strong woman but you are but putty in his hands. I would also say his deliberate lack of care towards the children is also neglect and deliberate strategic incompetence on his part.

All your children are seeing is you further not taking steps to get yourself and them away from him. Any and all prevarication will come back to bite you hard one day. You run a real risk here of your relationship with your children being harmed beyond repair in future years.

If you take your children, he will have to apply for a court order to see them (AFAIK) - how old is your eldest? At a certain point a judge will take their feelings into consideration.

They don’t have to spend 50% of their time with an abusive parent. Would he even want them 50% of the time, doesn’t sound like he enjoys their company? It is not always the case that time is split 50/50, take your children away, tell child services you don’t want him to have access to them for the reasons you’ve listed, and tell him to take you to court if he doesn’t like it. Please protect your children, it won’t get better.

The justification of staying in a toxic relationship so you can help minimise the damage the toxic parent is doing to the kids is counterproductive. This is an incredibly common reasoning women in very bad situations use to remain with an abusive / unhealthy person.

You falsely believe you are helping the kids - if you stay I can absolutely guarantee they will one day turn around and blame you for it. You will be the grandparent who doesn’t get to babysit her grandkids one day (assuming your kids choose to be parents one day).

If you leave the children will have at least one home where they feel 100% secure, loved & safe. right now they have 1 home they can never feel totally ok in.

If you leave, they will see their father for who he is but not one day blame you for exposing them to him & not leaving.

If you leave They will tell the authorities they refuse to see him & soon enough no court would force them into visitation.

You say he is mostly hurting them emotionally / psychologically - as long as he keeps them alive on his time, that is a win. The kids are not going to want to go to him & he will lose them eventually.

You have no control over him emotionally or psychologically harming the children - none. He will do it simply by who he is. They are already harmed. Staying gives you a false sense of control, that’s all.

"If I could leave and they wouldn't have to see him again, I would be gone. But they would spend 50% of their time alone with him".

Is this what you think?.

Have you sought legal advice to confirm that the above is infact the case?. I would think no you have not so your own thoughts here re this may be incorrect and based on supposition rather than fact. Fifty percent is a starting point and besides which would your children want to see him at all going forward at all let alone half the week?.

OP you need to see a therapist - like now. Your reasonings are very upsetting to read & you are going to need professional support to unweave the warped logic that makes you believe staying is the best option for your children.

Please, go see someone & talk to them, someone who specialises in DV and abuse.

I had a relationship with someone like this - he literally had zero empathy for anyone. He just didn't get it at all (or he didn't care maybe).

he treated his children awfully , but he actually genuinely didn't appear to understand their hurt, he had no remorse, no regret and just continued trying to mould them into his ideal children. And you could see that he didn't get his youngest daughter at all - she was totally different to him, quiet and sensitive. I felt so sorry for her initially , but by her teens she learned to grey rock him pretty effectively.

Anyway, I think you need to leave. It's immensely damaging for children to be in this environment, but also why should stay? Why should be miserable, and what do the children get from seeing this relationship, what do they learn about relationships?

Lack of empathy is a huge red flag for a sociopath or narcissist, and you simply can't coparent with a person like that, aside from the damage they would cause the children.

ime you could protect the children a lot more if you are not with their father. By the time they get older they will make their own choice whether to see him or not, but while they are little, you can protect them and model what good relationships, good parenting, empathy, look like.

This is exactly like my dad, right down ro not realising I needed food,never kind emotional support! I am 40 and in trauma therapy for abusive childhoods.

I know my mum was under his spell bht she colluded with him and tried to keep the peace and be invetween us and actually its just messed with my head over the years. My childhood was shit and its had long term effects.

Your children will be wondering why you as their mother is allowing this man to treat them and you so very badly. That is how it will come across to them.

Well, I'll speak to children's services or someone about his behaviour and how it would be viewed.

But he will want to see his children and they will want to see him. He loves them (as much as he can love anyone) and he loves spending time with them. He can be very affectionate, they gets lots of hugs and cuddles - they have things they like doing together. They love him.

My dad still has no regrets, no real concept he was absuive, just how I made life difficult for him. So needy. Ypu knwow, being a child and needing food and basics...

I would actually think they fear him as much as love him so are very compliant, quiet and completely subservient to him when he is around. They see how he is with you as their mum; they pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken. This type of emotional abuse he is also showing them is so very confusing to children and does have a deleterious effect on them.

Your children will be wondering why you as their mother is allowing this man to treat them and you so very badly. That is how it will come across to them

See, I think it is likely to be, why did you leave us to be alone with him mum?

This really isn't a simplistic narrative of bad man, problem solved if you just leave.

This is exactly like my dad, right down ro not realising I needed food,never kind emotional support!
This isn't him - he cooks them excellent home made food, gives them lots of cuddles and hugs. Praises their achievements, reads them bed time stories. This is why is would be very hard to make anyone external see what he is like. And of course he is very convincing, because he genuinely does believe he loves them. But he is fairweather. He can only do the easy stuff he is focussed on and enjoying.

Yep on the surface people would say I loved my dad vwry much. But it was because I was craving his attention, for him to tell me Im ok.....

I hate it when people think kids are fine because they're compliant.

He may come to actually dislike his children a lot more when they are of age to answer back and or challenge him on any opinion he holds dear and if they deviate from his idea of what he wants for them.

Certainly speak to those people but I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women also.

How is it you went onto marry someone like this individual, let alone have children by him?. What did you yourself learn about relationships from your parents?.

You need to speak to a therapist / lawyer / child services but from what you describe he is going to get some visitation. As long as they are fed/safe this is the main thing. If your main concern is emotional harm, that is hard to prove. It would come out in time when the kids start refusing visitation & wont go to him.

You don’t know it would be 50/50 and if you played your cards right it would not be.

Go talk to as many professionals as you can to get an idea of what your reality would look like if you left. You are assuming the worst & that will be making you stay in this situation.

Step 1 is accepting he will emotionally harm them & you have no control over this. Fooling yourself into believing you do is keeping you there

well yes OP, if he's anything like my ex, he's a lot of fun, exciting and they love being with him. But I agree with Atilla, they will also know that he can be the opposite of fun, and he can make them cry, and he makes you miserable, so they will already be wary and scared of that side of him. Of letting him down.

The children will soon start being more aware of all of this and one day they will wonder why you stayed, why you didn't get the hell out and take them with you.

*I would actually think they fear him as much as love him so are very compliant, quiet and completely subservient to him when he is around8

No they are not. They are normal kids. Won't sit down to eat if they want to play. WOn't go to bed when they want to play. Won't turn the ipad off.

It's really not a simple narrative. I wish it was. I wish it did fit the checklists of abusive but I have been through them and he doesn't. So that makes me thing the authorities won't get it.

I divorced mine. He was an absolute narc. No empathy, only control.not acceptable.

"This isn't him - he cooks them excellent home made food, gives them lots of cuddles and hugs. Praises their achievements, reads them bed time stories. This is why is would be very hard to make anyone external see what he is like"

You live with this man day to day so you and in turn they know what he is like. He is not empathetic, incompetent and self serving to say the very least. Abusers too can be quite plausible to those in the outside world, it is often only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. And the little he does now for his children is dead easy and undemanding page 1 parenting stuff. Any hard work is left to you alone.

Re your comment:-
" See, I think it is likely to be, why did you leave us to be alone with him mum?"

Do you really think this, your thinking is flawed here. You've never left them to be alone with him, you cannot anyway because he is inherently that bloody unreliable. Staying with him will not mitigate the damage being done to them or for that matter you in front of your very eyes.