I checked DPs phone and now I regret it

[shouldnthavedonethis]

Me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, we are in a long distance relationship but see each other most weekends and I’ve moved in with him for lockdown.
Last week I don’t know why but I just got a feeling something wasn’t right and I checked his phone one morning whilst he was still asleep (we are very open with our phones and know each other’s passcodes and if I needed to quickly google something but my phone was on charge he would have no qualms in me grabbing his phone and doing it on his). That turned out to be a mistake and now I feel so guilty that I even did it, before him I was in a very abusive relationship and was trying so hard to leave my trust issues behind me but I just caved last week even though I had no solid reason to look.
There wasn’t anything interesting on there apart from one Snapchat message to a girl he works with, I’ll call her Katie. I know they get on well and have been talking every few days whilst they’ve been furloughed (DP will say things like ‘oh Katie says she had this takeaway for tea we should try it at the weekend) I have no issues with them talking obviously. As they speak on Snapchat the messages automatically get deleted after 24 hours unless you specifically save them, so when I looked there were no current messages just random ones about work saved now and again from over the past couple of years apart from one which was about the 6th message back, so I really hadn’t looked far, which jumped out at me.
It was clear from the message that she had sent DP some pictures/a video for him to masturbate over. The message was dated from before we even met so even though I felt a bit grim at what I’d just read I ignored it and was going to leave it at that. When we first met DP was very open about all previous relationships even down to just one night stands so I found it a bit odd he had never mentioned her but I just assumed that’s because nothing more probably ever happened.
Skip to last night and he was showing me a video on his phone and as I was watching it a text popped up from a work mate, we’ll call him Steve. I said to DP ‘oh Steve has text you do you want your phone back?’ and he said ‘keep watching the video and I’ll look in a minute, I’ll show you what we’re talking about you’ll find it funny’. So I finished watching the video and he went on to his messages with Steve and passed his phone back to me, it was just a picture of a DIY disaster Steve had, except above that I could quite clearly see (DP was holding his phone so I hadn’t scrolled up or anything) their previous conversation. In it DP said ‘Christ have you seen Katie’s new Instagram post 🔥 ’, Steve replied saying ‘wow 😍’ and then DP said ‘she shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures like that on Instagram I’m surprised they’ve taken it down’, end of conversation.
It’s this that has got me thinking again. I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it. It’s just the fact that it was DP who started the conversation and it’s that girl again that’s made me feel uncomfortable, something else happened with her around Xmas which I won’t go in to but I’m just starting to feel like maybe there is more to it. Up until now I still trusted DP 100% but now I’m starting to wonder if there is anything more, I don’t trust my judgement on the matter as I have struggled with trust issues so I guess I’m just writing this to see if anyone else thinks I should talk to him and admit what I saw on his phone from a few years back, I feel awful and so guilty for checking his phone but should I just be honest with him and tell him?
I know I never should of looked in the first place and really regret it now! So do I have a chat with him or not?

My best advice is to chill out and celebrate the good in life. None of us are perfect and blokes will be blokes. So long as DP of practical support to you and nice to you mostly then welcome to the real world - that is called a successful marriage. If you kick up a stink he will change his password and feel constrained by you - and probably stray to react against that even? In life the best option is do nothing get perspective and smell the roses of the good stuff, forgive and move on from the failings. And we ALL have failings - it's why we are called human beings. Good luck and take care.

I wouldn't say anything. What happened with this woman at Xmas? So far, it seems she is just an attention seeking workmate who posts dodgy pics. The wank pic was before you two were together, and your DP is open with his phone, so why the worry now?

He's keeping his eye on what's available out there. He's obviously still got the hots for Katie.

Do you see a future with him?

You can’t bring up the phone thing. It was before you met. If he’s had some sordid incident I’m not surprised he’s not mentioned it.

Hi
All I can au is trust your instincts. From what you have written, if I were I your shoes I would ask him specifically about the conversation you say between him and his mate regarding her photos. See how he responds to that, and if you’re not satisfied with his response, then yes, come clean about everything. It’s obvious that this is playing on your mind, and if you don’t have the conversation with him, your imagination will run away from you.

It's a bit grim that he would save the wank material but apart from that I don't think you have anything to really worry about.

Sorry for typos!

Thank you @Cest that's exactly what I needed to hear, I didn't want to mention but felt that maybe I should which is why I thought I'd check as I don't trust myself sometimes you've put it into perspective though
At the end of last year she had a boob job and at the Xmas party was letting all the men feel her new boobs, I picked DP up from the train station and he told me about it gleefully with no thought as to how that would make me feel and reassured me it was fine because her boyfriend was there and fine with it too. It was a non issue really that I forgot about straight away but just remembered about it last night

Maybe I'm uptight but if my partner of 2 years was texting his mate about how hot a girl from works new Instagram pic is I wouldn't like it at all.

There's clearly a history with this girl and your partner talks to her daily and fawns over her pictures. I'm guessing she likes the attention and keeps him at arms length but if she gave him the go head he'd be over like a shot.

Time for an honest conversation i think. In my opinion he is crossing boundaries and you don't have to accept that!

If she's posting slutty things on her Instagram for all to see then it tells you that she's not after your DP specifically, it's just what she's like.

I don't think your DP's texts to his mate are a red flag. I can imagine sending a similar message if I saw a mutual friend posting something saucy. It doesn't mean anything.

You have to trust him and remind yourself that he is not your ex, otherwise you'll sabotage things.

He hasn’t done anything wrong and you violated his privacy, so I have no sympathy I’m afraid.

You either trust him or you don’t. You don’t doom your relationship by looking through his private things; that is unacceptable behaviour and puts your relationship on incredibly shaky ground because now he can’t trust you.

@Nattyjackie yes I do, I'm even thinking about moving 400 miles with him if he gets a new job

He wants Katie, you're just a back-up.

Interesting that the video was before you were together. This has been going on for a long time I would say, over two years.

How did they supposedly end there sexual relationship? How did go from the girl that was sending sexual videos to him to his best work friend.

And she texts him every day? She's still send pics to him I'll bet.

And he's still wanking over her Instagram.eveyone knows it, including his friend. He doesn't care if you know it, because you're not Katie.

You're not his unobtainable prize , she is.

You're a stop gap.

The second you're out of the picture, he'll be trying it on with her.

I think you should have some self respect and move on.

Hi, I kind of don’t agree with anyone else and deffo think say something, not full level angry but maybe half jokey like so what’s blah blahs insta like? I saw what you said to Steve.... or maybe give her a stalk coz if he’s commenting etc then it’s weird. My boyf makes comments to work mates like “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed”, acknowledging someone is good looking is fine but still having a stalk and heart emojis over someone who previously sent you photos to wank over whilst you have a gf is a little bit odd.

There is always a Katie. I really feel for you because I've just left an abusive relationship and can fully understand how devastated you must feel because she clearly feels like a threat. I would talk to him. He needs to understand that this isn't on. He's being pretty disingenuous about Katie I feel. Trust your instincts. He needs to understand how much you need trust.

Maybe I'm uptight but if my partner of 2 years was texting his mate about how hot a girl from works new Instagram pic is I wouldn't like it at all.

This 👆🏻

That’s a bit grim and pathetic, in light of the Christmas thing, she clearly enjoys men perving over her. Did your DP have a feel too?

I think you have nothing to worry about from her but I would person question if your DP would if he could..... is it just because she wouldn’t be interested that he wouldn’t?

Does he mention her often in conversation?

Ok having seen the boob thing it really sounds like she’s a bit of a joke. Yes he probably notices her but it sounds like it’s from a lot of showing off by her. I seriously doubt it’s “her he wants not you”.
She just likes male attention... who cares.

Oh so the Xmas thing was just her showing off her new tits and letting all the men have a grope? This is surprisingly common. It seems this woman's self esteem is bound up in her overt sexuality. I'd pity her, rather than worry about your DP perving over her- not good, but it appears she's somewhat of a joke to men and that's sad - her BF encouraging the mass groping is awful too.

there is always a Katie

Yup! I'd think it was attention seeking too but he texts every day so not one-sided.

While not ideal behaviour, to me it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. He's open with his phone. Katie might be hot, he might think she's attractive, but it seems to me if he wanted more from her, it would have already happened. If she sent him wank material, she's attention seeking. That he's not with her but you, makes me think that he might find her attractive but she's not enough to date seriously. He obviously finds you the full package!

I think you are letting your past experiences cloud your judgement.
I'd ask about the insta chat with Steve. If it was my dh, he'd be a bit sheepish and probably show me the insta photo. Personally, I'd not mention the phone snooping.

He definitely has an interest in her. Bad case of mentionitis too. He is testing how ‘cool’ you are.

I would tell him to quit the BS with Katie. Say you’re not stupid, mentioning her all the time is a red flag and you saw the message between him and Steve. Say if he wants you to quit it now or to go and chase Katie instead.

Show him you won’t put up with crap. Don’t mention the video.

Good advice thank you everyone, I'm going to mention the insta stuff and leave it at that

Do you think you can ever feel secure in this relationship? Or will you be forever worrying about what he is doing behind your back?

@TwilightPeace I think if he understands how I feel when I speak to him and truly does knock it all on the head I could feel 100% secure again

I really do love him so much and we have our whole future planned out