I checked DPs phone and now I regret it

[shouldnthavedonethis]

Me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, we are in a long distance relationship but see each other most weekends and I’ve moved in with him for lockdown.
Last week I don’t know why but I just got a feeling something wasn’t right and I checked his phone one morning whilst he was still asleep (we are very open with our phones and know each other’s passcodes and if I needed to quickly google something but my phone was on charge he would have no qualms in me grabbing his phone and doing it on his). That turned out to be a mistake and now I feel so guilty that I even did it, before him I was in a very abusive relationship and was trying so hard to leave my trust issues behind me but I just caved last week even though I had no solid reason to look.
There wasn’t anything interesting on there apart from one Snapchat message to a girl he works with, I’ll call her Katie. I know they get on well and have been talking every few days whilst they’ve been furloughed (DP will say things like ‘oh Katie says she had this takeaway for tea we should try it at the weekend) I have no issues with them talking obviously. As they speak on Snapchat the messages automatically get deleted after 24 hours unless you specifically save them, so when I looked there were no current messages just random ones about work saved now and again from over the past couple of years apart from one which was about the 6th message back, so I really hadn’t looked far, which jumped out at me.
It was clear from the message that she had sent DP some pictures/a video for him to masturbate over. The message was dated from before we even met so even though I felt a bit grim at what I’d just read I ignored it and was going to leave it at that. When we first met DP was very open about all previous relationships even down to just one night stands so I found it a bit odd he had never mentioned her but I just assumed that’s because nothing more probably ever happened.
Skip to last night and he was showing me a video on his phone and as I was watching it a text popped up from a work mate, we’ll call him Steve. I said to DP ‘oh Steve has text you do you want your phone back?’ and he said ‘keep watching the video and I’ll look in a minute, I’ll show you what we’re talking about you’ll find it funny’. So I finished watching the video and he went on to his messages with Steve and passed his phone back to me, it was just a picture of a DIY disaster Steve had, except above that I could quite clearly see (DP was holding his phone so I hadn’t scrolled up or anything) their previous conversation. In it DP said ‘Christ have you seen Katie’s new Instagram post 🔥 ’, Steve replied saying ‘wow 😍’ and then DP said ‘she shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures like that on Instagram I’m surprised they’ve taken it down’, end of conversation.
It’s this that has got me thinking again. I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it. It’s just the fact that it was DP who started the conversation and it’s that girl again that’s made me feel uncomfortable, something else happened with her around Xmas which I won’t go in to but I’m just starting to feel like maybe there is more to it. Up until now I still trusted DP 100% but now I’m starting to wonder if there is anything more, I don’t trust my judgement on the matter as I have struggled with trust issues so I guess I’m just writing this to see if anyone else thinks I should talk to him and admit what I saw on his phone from a few years back, I feel awful and so guilty for checking his phone but should I just be honest with him and tell him?
I know I never should of looked in the first place and really regret it now! So do I have a chat with him or not?

I would be very displeased with my
Husband maintaining a close relationship with someone he has been wanking over and clearly fancied at one time. My understand is she sent him wanking material too. God knows what else they have exchanged! Did they sext? Did he send her dick pics? She sounds insecure with all the feeling up of the boobs etc but really my issue would be DP and his seeming obsession over her - mentioning her often, Pervy convos with his friend about her.

I don’t know how people think that’s normal!

A lot of very low bars here...🤔

I'd mention the message to Steve and then play it by ear, depending on what he says.

He doesn't seem to be hiding anything. Are the texts provoked/started by her and he responds? I'm afraid Katie sounds a little bit as though she wants all the men to be drooling over her, she wants to be the 'office heartthrob' and she's doing everything she can to keep her name and picture on everyone's phone. I'll bet your BF isn't the only bloke from work she texts regularly (see his friend mentioning the Insta picture). She is the insecure one.

I also think your BF doesn't see her as a potential partner - they may, in fact, all see her as a bit of a joke (if a sexy one). Only you know how you feel about it all going forward, but I would certainly bring it up with him and watch his reaction.

There are a lot of women who would bin a man off for much much less. But there are also women who would like to talk it through. You decide which type you are.

It's all a bit sleazy, isn't it? It sounds like she's a bit slutty and your partner (and his colleague) are lapping it up.

A younger wallywonker would have just accepted it, tried to ignore it, tried a little harder to get his full attention, etc.

Older wallywonker would get rid because she realises that stuff like this gets to her and she doesn't particularly want to spend her life with an immature schoolboy.

If somebody was going through my phone I would want to know. Have the conversation if you feel you need to but be prepared for his response.

Katie sounds awful, more like a desperate laughing stock than any competition. He’s with you not her. I would ask him about her though, just to get a feel what he really thinks.

@Qgardens

I'd mention the message to Steve and then play it by ear, depending on what he says.

It is highly inappropriate and unacceptable to involve a third party in your relationship disputes.

I'd tell him you feel like there is something more going on with Katie and it's making you feel uncomfortable you don't have to mention the snapchat thing if you don't want to. Personally I would just to get it out in the open. If he's open with you about his phone then there shouldn't be an issue.

It all sounds a bit dodgy to me and I wouldn't like it. I don't even like my DP saying he finds someone else attractive - even though I know we all look at other people.
Katie sounds like trouble to me. Have you met her?

My ExH was very free with his phone, what he didn't want me to see was locked down tight. He also messaged the OW like the OP's partner does, it was just banter 🙄 He mentioned her to me all time time too.
I stupidly played the cool wife and let him get on with it, I have male friends so I didn't want to be hypocritical. The more I didn't call him out on it the more she became the topic of daily conversations. The one time I did he gaslit me and I felt awful that I couldn't trust my own husband. What did that say about me?

I laugh now, they got caught cheating in 2016 and when asked to leave he moved straight in to her house.

Please trust your gut. It generally is right. Before you move miles to be with him this needs to be sorted. Pretending it doesn't make you feel like it does won't make it go away.

I'd not be happy about the comment and I'd definitely think twice about moving. This isn't just a 'men' thing, he's being pretty disrespectful.

I'd ask about the instagram comment and casually ask if he'd ever had a flirty thing with Katie. If he lied I wouldn't say 'aha!' but I would quietly note to myself he had lied.

Your gut instinct told you something was wrong, you checked his phone, and there is something wrong.

No that wasn't a mistake, it was a blessing.

You now know that you're in a relationship with a man who is wanking over saved videos and instagram pictures of his female colleague, while you're miles away during the week, and not only that, he's talking about that with his male colleague.

Not only that, he's actually groped her breasts and openly told you about it.

You will never feel secure in this relationship. Because you're in a relationship with a total sleaze.

I agree with a pp on the "blokes will be blokes"... it sets a low bar and isn't an acceptable excuse.

Tbh the convo between him and Steve is something that colleagues or friends could do in relation to a pic on the same gender.... for example I've been shown a photo of a friends DD on Instagram ...as in "Look what Amy is wearing" the picture was provocative, left little to the imagination and it was attention seeking IMO. It would attract the wrong type of attention.

In relation to the stuff she sent before you got together, he might not realise he still has it, but it does show that they had a different type of relationship before.

I think the boob job stuff is her attention seeking. There's a kind of feeling that they aren't real, so it's okay to touch them. I've heard of women who have boob jobs inviting other women to touch/feel them.

I was just wondering what your DP would think if a male colleague got a pens extension and asked female colleagues to have a feel.

Unlikely I know, given a man wouldn't want to admit he had thud type of surgery...but that aside...do you think your DP would find this acceptable?

Of the things you've mentioned, my biggest concern would be touching the boobs. That's not acceptable for a man in a relationship, although I can imagine a lot of men would be tempted to do so.

If he'd said to his mate that he approved of what she was posting now on IG then you'd have a point but he said she shouldn't be allowed to post it - did he mean that? She's not targeting him directly, she's just a bit free with the images she's posting.
That says more about her than it does him.

How are you going to feel when your boyfriend goes back to working with Katie? I think that is what I would be asking myself. Do you mind your boyfriend wanking over her?

As a side note I would think long and hard before I moved 400 miles to be with a boyfriend. Can't he move to you?

I'd hate that, knowing he's been wanking over this woman. I'd imagine he's thinking about her while he's having sex with you. Sorry id not trust him ever.

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, I didn't see the wank material just a message that related to it so I don't think he still has it or uses it, that would definitely be over stepping the mark for me. I've spoken to him and he accepts he has crossed the line and said all the right things, I'm going to try and move past it but if anything like this happens again that's it.
I can't say what his job is as it's outing but you can only really do it in one area of the country (the company he is at now is the only place up north he can work) so if he gets a new job like he is looking for he will be moving 400 miles away whereas we are only 90 miles away at the minute.
Thanks for all your replies

It sounds to me as if Katy’s a running joke with her male colleagues. They certainly don’t treat her with any respect. It’s sad that her behaviour is so poor and her self esteem so low.

There seems to be a real problem in this kind of situation. If the guy talks about the woman concerned, it’s “mentionitis”, if he didn’t it would be “What’s he hiding?”. It’s a bit of a no win.

Sorry if I didn't make it clear, I didn't see the wank material just a message that related to it so I don't think he still has it or uses it

But him
Wanking over someone with material she has provided, and now seeing her daily for work is not crossing a line?!

@Alsohuman I agree re talking about other women, I wouldn't say he particularly talks about her more than other people but her name does come up, I didn't mention the talking about her to him as if I did he would just stop

I'm sorry, and it seems like I'm the only one here who feels like this. But if my chap copped a feel of some other womans boobs he'd be dumped. I don't care what the circumstances. It's not on. It's so bloody disrespectful.

Op also crossed a line by snooping.

Can I suggest the freedom program op? Or maybe talk to someone about your previous history?

Until you can get over the hurt from your past, you will never fully move on. You saw something and you started to jump to conclusions. At the moment you don’t seem convinced there was nothing, and already anticipating him doing something else.

It’s not a criticism. But it’s not healthy for you. It will eat at you. And until you are ready to actually trust someone, are you ready for a relationship?

I’ve been on both sides of this, and it wasn’t healthy. Regardless of he’s done anything or not, he will also be on edge now.

I reckon he has possibly had something with her before you met and has omitted it because he knows it will cause issues since she is still around. Or as others have said, she is the flirty girl from work. It seems like even he and perhaps some of the other men are a bit shocked at some of the stuff she does, doesn't mean they don't enjoy it but also doesn't mean there is anything physical or emotional going on. I'm sure if you go digging into a lot of people's phones there would be things to find, but it really doesn't sound like there is a lot or anything that significant on his. I would try to forget about it and work on building a solid relationship with your dp and stop worrying about or trying to control what might go wrong.

Copping a feel wouldn’t be an issue for me.

I’ve done something similar and not attracted
To woman. Night out, someone was proud of the implants and asked if anyone wanted a feel. I was interested in how they felt and had a feel.

No she wasn’t flashing them to everyone, a few of us were asking how they felt compared to the real thing.

It sounds to me as if Katy’s a running joke with her male colleagues.

The touch my "new" boobs thing, yes ... Old bf messaging his mate to say "have you seen Katie's latest insta pic, hot!!!! (Fire icon)" And mate replying with the 😍 icon ..

Not so much.

She's obviously an attention seeker and wannabe queen bee type, and they know that, but the messages between op's bf and his mate (initiated by ops bf I think?) are not laughing at her. Or it certainly doesn't sound like it, they're appreciate/sleazy/excited.