I checked DPs phone and now I regret it

[shouldnthavedonethis]

Me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, we are in a long distance relationship but see each other most weekends and I’ve moved in with him for lockdown.
Last week I don’t know why but I just got a feeling something wasn’t right and I checked his phone one morning whilst he was still asleep (we are very open with our phones and know each other’s passcodes and if I needed to quickly google something but my phone was on charge he would have no qualms in me grabbing his phone and doing it on his). That turned out to be a mistake and now I feel so guilty that I even did it, before him I was in a very abusive relationship and was trying so hard to leave my trust issues behind me but I just caved last week even though I had no solid reason to look.
There wasn’t anything interesting on there apart from one Snapchat message to a girl he works with, I’ll call her Katie. I know they get on well and have been talking every few days whilst they’ve been furloughed (DP will say things like ‘oh Katie says she had this takeaway for tea we should try it at the weekend) I have no issues with them talking obviously. As they speak on Snapchat the messages automatically get deleted after 24 hours unless you specifically save them, so when I looked there were no current messages just random ones about work saved now and again from over the past couple of years apart from one which was about the 6th message back, so I really hadn’t looked far, which jumped out at me.
It was clear from the message that she had sent DP some pictures/a video for him to masturbate over. The message was dated from before we even met so even though I felt a bit grim at what I’d just read I ignored it and was going to leave it at that. When we first met DP was very open about all previous relationships even down to just one night stands so I found it a bit odd he had never mentioned her but I just assumed that’s because nothing more probably ever happened.
Skip to last night and he was showing me a video on his phone and as I was watching it a text popped up from a work mate, we’ll call him Steve. I said to DP ‘oh Steve has text you do you want your phone back?’ and he said ‘keep watching the video and I’ll look in a minute, I’ll show you what we’re talking about you’ll find it funny’. So I finished watching the video and he went on to his messages with Steve and passed his phone back to me, it was just a picture of a DIY disaster Steve had, except above that I could quite clearly see (DP was holding his phone so I hadn’t scrolled up or anything) their previous conversation. In it DP said ‘Christ have you seen Katie’s new Instagram post 🔥 ’, Steve replied saying ‘wow 😍’ and then DP said ‘she shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures like that on Instagram I’m surprised they’ve taken it down’, end of conversation.
It’s this that has got me thinking again. I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it. It’s just the fact that it was DP who started the conversation and it’s that girl again that’s made me feel uncomfortable, something else happened with her around Xmas which I won’t go in to but I’m just starting to feel like maybe there is more to it. Up until now I still trusted DP 100% but now I’m starting to wonder if there is anything more, I don’t trust my judgement on the matter as I have struggled with trust issues so I guess I’m just writing this to see if anyone else thinks I should talk to him and admit what I saw on his phone from a few years back, I feel awful and so guilty for checking his phone but should I just be honest with him and tell him?
I know I never should of looked in the first place and really regret it now! So do I have a chat with him or not?

Why did he even save those pictures if not because he still wants them? He doesn't sound like anyone I'd continue a relationship with

Why is it an ‘awful post?’
I did not use the word ‘slutty’ in my post. Are you mixing my post up with someone else’s?
I merely said that I agreed with a previous poster that we also had a ‘Katie’ at work as well, and that lots of work places have them. You only have to read MN for a while to see how many of these sorts of posts crop up.
I did also say that OP’s other half should stop behaving like a teenager over this girl... I will include his friends too.

We had one, a real predator..

Adult men are not prey.

They can think for themselves and decide their own boundaries and standards.

Noone can force anyone else to get involved in communicating with them (about non work stuff), flirting with them, touching.them, following their SM, commenting on their SM etc.

Havent read the full thread, just the first page. I just really want to say that I really cant bear the 'blokes will be blokes' attitude. What it really means is some blokes will behave like arseholes and some women choose to tolerate it. Please dont be one if them OP.
It doesn't sound like he has 'done' that much necessarily but his attitude to women doesn't sound great and I think you can do better.
My husband does not talk about women like this and not all men do.
Please do trust your instincts.

blokes will be blokes

We need a vomit emoji.

If this post said "My wife has kept some erotic pictures on her phone that a male colleague sent her before we dated. They still stay in phone contact, and today I found out she and a mate had a leery conversation about his instagram pics" would your response have been women will be women? I seriously doubt it.

I agree that men should behave responsibly, and dont like some of the "slut shaming" type posts on here .However some women are real "man eaters" and seem to get off on how attractive they are to men! I think anyone who has a "boob job" and invites men to "cop a feel" like "Katie" have deep issues of self worth .If all the men are crowding round her and she is welcoming the attention ,it would be hard for DP not to get caught up in the moment.) Obv if it were just him doing it ,make for the exit!) She sounds immature and shallow .I am very much for womens rights ,but she is leading her male colleagues a merry dance!. I would welcome a move north in this instance TBH!

If you have to move 400 miles away to feel secure about some woman, you're in deep doo-doo.

Do make sure you're very confident of the relationship and not tolerating things you shouldn't before considering upping sticks for the sake of this man. What will you be moving to, what will you have for yourself in this place, would you want to live there if it wasn't for him? Are you self motivated and outgoing enough to create your own social circle and life when you're there or will you be relying on him?

If all the men are crowding round her and she is welcoming the attention ,it would be hard for DP not to get caught up in the moment.

Oh FFS.

Is it too hard for him not to message her nearly every day too, too hard for him to not look at her SM, too hard for him not to send his mate messages about how hot her latest Sm pic is?

I would welcome a move north in this instance TBH!

Why .. sure he could just move on to "Northern Katie" since he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Yep, can't move away from every tempting woman.

I think this is easy enough to shut down. He had a thing pre you (ONS probably) and she is attention seeking in the extreme.

But he's looking to move away from her so obviously not that keen 😁. With you.

You've had a conversation and once he cops on to himself hopefully he'll say something to her - I worked with men for years and had great relationships with them. I didn't contact them on weekends or evenings when they were home and this isn't something people normally do.

Explain that it makes you look like a mug in her eyes if he gives her the attention and makes you feel a bit shit. That we all fancy other people but a colleague is too close to home for you.

I had to do this once with a bf and to his credit he stopped feeding her ego. She tried very hard too coming on a waterskiing trip she'd invited herself on with a mate and a crop top. Posing etc. I was very friendly to her and even more friendly to my bf. She got the hint 😉

However some women are real "man eaters" and seem to get off on how attractive they are to men!

Certainly, and men with good judgement and boundaries give them.a wide berth and minimise their interaction.

They don't message them regularly (and message their mates about how hot their SM photos are).

Because sometimes guys don't think it through - here's a girl looking like she's loving being sexy and appreciating their attention and hey it's all fun! Except it's kind of not unless both are single. And she's not either, so her or bf.

As I said, there's a reason the similar women at my DPS work do's end up coed out on some men's laps and not others ... (Yes part of it is who the women are attracted to) but also which men they know will welcome it and go along with it.

Because sometimes guys don't think it through

If your partner doesn't "think through" squeezing another's woman's breasts (whether there are others doing it or not) .. not does he think through bring in regular contact with a flirty, attention seeking, sexually extravert woman he's been sexting in the past, not does he think through following her SM and messaging his mates about how hot her latest pic is ....

You have a slight problem.

What else is he not going to think through.

*nor

GilbertMarkham I agree with you ! However many (possibly young )men would quite possibly not know how to deal with this ,and the fact that "Katie" is being flirty with all the blokes ,makes me feel that OPs partner is getting caught up in "Banter" rather than anything more serious TBH. OP has clearly stated that she and her BF have spoken about their future together ,and if it includes a move 400 miles north, then unless hes a long distance lorry driver ,he would have a long way to come and see "Katie" wouldnt he?! I think there are women who behave like this, and they put womens place in Society back about 50 years! Sadly equality doesnt mean anything for them as they have to be the" hot " girl !

@dottiedodah

It's not about how serious it is to him or not, or how much of a real risk it is he'll leave op for her.

It's about what he sees as appropriate, decent behaviour when he's in a relationship.

And his behaviour is not. It wouldn't be even if he didn't have a sexual history with this girl.

The snapchat, pervy messages, blokes egging each other on is just grim.

Have a bit of class move on, you deserve better than that type of social circle. Honestly they sound as rough as a badgers arse.

Incidentally, he's not getting "caught up" in sourcing the moment group behaviour when he's messaging her independently on a regular basis. Nor see there others present when he looking at her SM pics and messaging his mates about how hot they are.

*spur of the moment

I don't think he's hiding anything from you as he obvs let's you go through his phone and didn't hide his message but would he have down it on purpose to make you feel uneasy?? I think because he's so open with you it's not as bad but I would still be pissed off why is he talking to his mate about a girl looking hot when he's already wanked over her photos etc, I wouldn't like it! And I'd kick off big time! I wouldn't end it but he's crossed the respect mark for my level of standards and he needs to know he can't be fawning over another woman photo, call someone attractive etc fine and have slight lad banter but to actually txt someone about another girls photo, no mate!

Ask him if he'd be happy if op was regularly messaging a highly flirtatious, sexually extrovert, attention seeking, "soft harem" seeking, looks obsesses, gym bunny male work colleague, following his SM posts and pics, and messaging her mate to say how hot she thought the latest one was .....who he has recently found out she's been sexting in the past (at the v least) .....

And if he says yes, he's either in the 0.01% of men or he's a fkg liar.

Oh and I forgot also a guy she's gotten "caught up" in an arse- squeezing group bit of "fun" with.

Come on.

You don't need to tell him you searched old messages to being it up. You could say when you showed me tone phone it showed your message to Steve about how hot Katie's Instagram post was. What's the deal? Do you fancy her? Do you have any history I should know about. You could always ask then and there to see their message history and you then you can bring up the old video like you've never seen it before.