I checked DPs phone and now I regret it

[shouldnthavedonethis]

Me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, we are in a long distance relationship but see each other most weekends and I’ve moved in with him for lockdown.
Last week I don’t know why but I just got a feeling something wasn’t right and I checked his phone one morning whilst he was still asleep (we are very open with our phones and know each other’s passcodes and if I needed to quickly google something but my phone was on charge he would have no qualms in me grabbing his phone and doing it on his). That turned out to be a mistake and now I feel so guilty that I even did it, before him I was in a very abusive relationship and was trying so hard to leave my trust issues behind me but I just caved last week even though I had no solid reason to look.
There wasn’t anything interesting on there apart from one Snapchat message to a girl he works with, I’ll call her Katie. I know they get on well and have been talking every few days whilst they’ve been furloughed (DP will say things like ‘oh Katie says she had this takeaway for tea we should try it at the weekend) I have no issues with them talking obviously. As they speak on Snapchat the messages automatically get deleted after 24 hours unless you specifically save them, so when I looked there were no current messages just random ones about work saved now and again from over the past couple of years apart from one which was about the 6th message back, so I really hadn’t looked far, which jumped out at me.
It was clear from the message that she had sent DP some pictures/a video for him to masturbate over. The message was dated from before we even met so even though I felt a bit grim at what I’d just read I ignored it and was going to leave it at that. When we first met DP was very open about all previous relationships even down to just one night stands so I found it a bit odd he had never mentioned her but I just assumed that’s because nothing more probably ever happened.
Skip to last night and he was showing me a video on his phone and as I was watching it a text popped up from a work mate, we’ll call him Steve. I said to DP ‘oh Steve has text you do you want your phone back?’ and he said ‘keep watching the video and I’ll look in a minute, I’ll show you what we’re talking about you’ll find it funny’. So I finished watching the video and he went on to his messages with Steve and passed his phone back to me, it was just a picture of a DIY disaster Steve had, except above that I could quite clearly see (DP was holding his phone so I hadn’t scrolled up or anything) their previous conversation. In it DP said ‘Christ have you seen Katie’s new Instagram post 🔥 ’, Steve replied saying ‘wow 😍’ and then DP said ‘she shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures like that on Instagram I’m surprised they’ve taken it down’, end of conversation.
It’s this that has got me thinking again. I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it. It’s just the fact that it was DP who started the conversation and it’s that girl again that’s made me feel uncomfortable, something else happened with her around Xmas which I won’t go in to but I’m just starting to feel like maybe there is more to it. Up until now I still trusted DP 100% but now I’m starting to wonder if there is anything more, I don’t trust my judgement on the matter as I have struggled with trust issues so I guess I’m just writing this to see if anyone else thinks I should talk to him and admit what I saw on his phone from a few years back, I feel awful and so guilty for checking his phone but should I just be honest with him and tell him?
I know I never should of looked in the first place and really regret it now! So do I have a chat with him or not?

and truly does knock it all on the head I could feel 100% secure again

How will you know if he has really knocked it on the head? Will you keep checking his phone?

I'd be very wary of moving 400 miles for him.

But you’re not going to mention trawling through his phone? Do you feel justified in doing that ?

He fancies Katie. I’d keep a quiet eye. The snapchat was from before you were together so I wouldn’t bring that up. I’d be hurt and pissed off at the message about her he sent to his work mate though.

Sounds like Katie is the hot girl at work and all the guys are crushing on her. Try not to stress .. it doesn't sound at all like he's cheating on you!

And "blokes will be blokes" is basically advising you to have low expectations and tolerate poor behaviour for the sake of being in a relationship. That's the road to unhappiness. Have good boundaries instead.

@Divebar no I don't, not at all I know I shouldn't have done it

Thanks @shouldnthavedonethis I've had a mainly happy marriage - far from perfect - for over 15 years - my best advise is take the good bits, forgive the bad bits - give eachother some freedom (eg best not too look at each others phones) but also be smart and worldly to look after yourself, be relaxed but also your me time so important. We can't look for perfection in our partners but we can fill our overall happiness with them plus friends hobbies etc. Good luck!

I couldn't stay with him-the way he spoke about her with Steve, the fact that he's got pics of her to wank over.

No thanks!

The replies on this thread are an absolute joke. He is an untrustworthy, immature sleaze and I don't think you will ever feel really confident in this relationship.

As for comments like "that's just what men are like" and calling another woman "slutty" ... I feel like I've found myself back in the 1950s! Your bf is the one with the slutty behaviour imo - maybe look for a man in future rather than this ridiculous teenager.

So he has a close and friendly relationship with this woman and used to have a sexual relationship with her which he hasn't told you about? That's a bit shitty. I think it's disrespectful to new partners not to mention it if someone currently in your life was a previous sexual partner. It makes people feel like a mug when they find out.

I think it’s the fact that he texts her every day that would bother me. Don’t have a problem with my DP having female friends, but to be in such regular contact with someone he clearly fancies just feels disrespectful. DH has lots of female friends, I’m fine with that but would be really upset if I knew he had sexual images of any of them or was talking about how sexy they were.

I’d have a conversation about it. It doesn’t need to be confrontational but it’s important that you set out your boundaries and what’s acceptable to you in the relationship.

If you want an honest open relationship, then you have to tell him that you snooped.

If you hadn’t you wouldn’t have known about a video she sent him before you two got together.

You say he told you about his previous lovers. He didn’t have to do this in the first place. And now you assume they previously fucked.

Trust and honesty are a two way street. And I personally wouldn’t be happy with another adult going through my phone, regardless of if they have the password or not.

You have to realise that every single person in the world - male and female has at one time or another fancied someone different to their partner, and they’ve probably masturbated over them whether they used visual aids or not.

The point is, he’s human. He’s allowed to fancy other women, just as you’re allowed to fancy other men. What he cannot do is act on those feelings. Having them is fine, acting on them is not, but until he acts on them, he hasn’t done anything wrong.

If he is happy for you to have free access to his phone then it would be safe to sat he has nothing to hid. Sure blokes will be blokes but I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Hi op, you sound lovely by the way

I'm going to go against the grain here , I don't think you have anything to worry about, the fact he's so open with his phone means there's nothing going on, men who cheat unless they have a second phone keep it close at all times, and wouldnt let you in it or know their passcode imo

@Patienceisvirtuous I agree he is testing her “coolometer”

@shouldnthavedonethis

Even if he has “done “ nothing wrong I think Emma do something happening I would be very wary about commuting or doing any form of lifestyle upheaval for a man who apparently two years into a serious relationship ogles women he works with, indulges in texts with mates about her and has a wank bank of something she sent him from a long time ago

You just do what you feel is right but all that would be a huge turn off for me before we even got to the deeper issue of trust

• sorry for typos Emma should read “Even is nothing has happened “

I don’t think he would be quite so free with his phone if he had anything to hide. Katie sounds like an attention seeker, personally I wouldn’t be worried.

1,You shouldnt have looked through his phone,you have broken his trust.
2.His mate texted him about Katie.

You cant police his life.Otherwise your relationship will break down.

You either trust him or you dont.Which one is it.

Maybe I'm uptight but if my partner of 2 years was texting his mate about how hot a girl from works new Instagram pic is I wouldn't like it at all

Yup same. I think it’s sleazy and pathetic. I wonder how he would feel if you were gushing about the Instagram of a male colleague of yours in tight speedos and saying how hot he was? My guess it he wouldn’t like it. It’s one thing to say a celebrity is hot that you’re never likely to meet. It’s another thing entirely to be gushing about a woman from work that you’ve already shagged. It’s disrespectful and I don’t buy this “blokes will be blokes” crap. Are our standards really that low that we are debasing men to animals who can’t help themselves?

It doesn’t sound like there’s actually anything going on and your DP just seems to have a friendly/flirty relationship with Katie - ‘a bit of a laugh’. Still, I would keep my eye on that - evenings out, Christmas parties etc. - things can change very quickly and there’s obviously some attraction.
I’d be very careful about giving up my life and moving 400 miles.

I would start stalking a male colleague/acquaintance who's anti clothes on insta & comment on his photos accidentally in view.

Of course people have pasts & can fancy others but this is disrespectful in my opinion. Give him a taste of his own medicine, men can be just as insecure as women.

Hmm, I have male friends and have NEVER sent any of them pics to wank over. It's not a platonic friendship. That's not to say that your DP is cheating on you, but he thinks about Katie as "woman I could have sex with", not as "woman I am mates with and have a laugh with at work" - she's an object to him, not a fellow human being. We all do it, men and women alike, but don't confuse what's going on with Katie with friendship.

From the fact that he was not trying to hide what he was talking about with his friend to you, I don't think Katy is someone important to him. If something was going on, he would have tried to hide it from you, surely. But since you feel uncomfortable about how he talks about other girl is important matter in having relationship with him, I would say something. But don't mention the past. And stop snooping, if you can't trust him, better to say good bye.