I checked DPs phone and now I regret it

[shouldnthavedonethis]

Me and DP have been together for just over 2 years, we are in a long distance relationship but see each other most weekends and I’ve moved in with him for lockdown.
Last week I don’t know why but I just got a feeling something wasn’t right and I checked his phone one morning whilst he was still asleep (we are very open with our phones and know each other’s passcodes and if I needed to quickly google something but my phone was on charge he would have no qualms in me grabbing his phone and doing it on his). That turned out to be a mistake and now I feel so guilty that I even did it, before him I was in a very abusive relationship and was trying so hard to leave my trust issues behind me but I just caved last week even though I had no solid reason to look.
There wasn’t anything interesting on there apart from one Snapchat message to a girl he works with, I’ll call her Katie. I know they get on well and have been talking every few days whilst they’ve been furloughed (DP will say things like ‘oh Katie says she had this takeaway for tea we should try it at the weekend) I have no issues with them talking obviously. As they speak on Snapchat the messages automatically get deleted after 24 hours unless you specifically save them, so when I looked there were no current messages just random ones about work saved now and again from over the past couple of years apart from one which was about the 6th message back, so I really hadn’t looked far, which jumped out at me.
It was clear from the message that she had sent DP some pictures/a video for him to masturbate over. The message was dated from before we even met so even though I felt a bit grim at what I’d just read I ignored it and was going to leave it at that. When we first met DP was very open about all previous relationships even down to just one night stands so I found it a bit odd he had never mentioned her but I just assumed that’s because nothing more probably ever happened.
Skip to last night and he was showing me a video on his phone and as I was watching it a text popped up from a work mate, we’ll call him Steve. I said to DP ‘oh Steve has text you do you want your phone back?’ and he said ‘keep watching the video and I’ll look in a minute, I’ll show you what we’re talking about you’ll find it funny’. So I finished watching the video and he went on to his messages with Steve and passed his phone back to me, it was just a picture of a DIY disaster Steve had, except above that I could quite clearly see (DP was holding his phone so I hadn’t scrolled up or anything) their previous conversation. In it DP said ‘Christ have you seen Katie’s new Instagram post 🔥 ’, Steve replied saying ‘wow 😍’ and then DP said ‘she shouldn’t be allowed to post pictures like that on Instagram I’m surprised they’ve taken it down’, end of conversation.
It’s this that has got me thinking again. I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it. It’s just the fact that it was DP who started the conversation and it’s that girl again that’s made me feel uncomfortable, something else happened with her around Xmas which I won’t go in to but I’m just starting to feel like maybe there is more to it. Up until now I still trusted DP 100% but now I’m starting to wonder if there is anything more, I don’t trust my judgement on the matter as I have struggled with trust issues so I guess I’m just writing this to see if anyone else thinks I should talk to him and admit what I saw on his phone from a few years back, I feel awful and so guilty for checking his phone but should I just be honest with him and tell him?
I know I never should of looked in the first place and really regret it now! So do I have a chat with him or not?

I think you sound very easy going, but I wouldn't let all these things slide for the sake of staying in a relationship no matter how wonderful I thought it was.
When you add up all these things together, sexting albeit before you met shows there is a mutual attraction, feeling her boobs, frequent contact and mentionitis, perving on her Instagram, just because he's open about it doesn't mean it's ok! If you're chill about things when he mentions them then it justifies what he's doing and he will continue guilt free.
I agree with a pp there are some very low bars set on this thread.

It's inappropriate for him to be in regular independent (non work related) communication with this woman given they've previously sexted and inappropriate for him to be following her SM (sorry not sure if it was insta or FB or what) and messaging his mates to discuss his hot her latest pic (no doubt heavily featuring the implanted boobs they were all looking at and touching at their work.do) is.

He should have had the sense/decency/respect to stop all the non work messaging, not get involved in touching her boobs, not be looking at her pics and messaging his mate about them .. when he got into a steady relationship (and them there's respect towards her relationship too, whether she has any herself or not).

I really wouldn't be moving hundreds of miles for this guy. And I wouldn't be napping out my entire future with him either. His behaviour is inappropriate and not really respectful to his partner/relationship.

*how hot

I’m pissed off at the fact they are having pervy conversations like that in the first place, but I do know what men are like and expect nothing less, not that I’m excusing it.

It really does depend on the man as to how much, if any, of this kind of thing you get. And it's up to you how much you're prepared to put up with, if any. My current DP doesn't have those kind of conversations, although I know he and his mates will acknowledge it if they think a woman is particularly attractive - in much the same way I don't watch The Last Kingdom entirely for its storylines. It has Alexander Dreymon, Mark Rowley and Arnas Fedaravicius in it, and this makes me happy.

I have an ex FWB who would do things like this though, a lot. He kept wank fodder around, and I wasn't the only friend he was attracted to or that he'd shagged. One thing though, whilst he was with me he met someone else he felt very strongly about and then he did stop the messing around. He's still the same person who is capable of that, but he did stop it for her. The problem is working out who you are to him - just another Katie and another bit of fun, or someone ultimately he might be faithful to.

Ultimately I'm not sure how happy he is now - me, I've met someone who loves me and respects me, and who doesn't view women as a series of wank bank images.

If I’m out with a friend and we see a good looking guy we’ll usually comment on it. We certainly don’t text each other though!

However I think your main issue here is Snapchat. I’m sorry but that’s for teenagers and people in their early 20s. If grown adults in committed relationships are using snapchat to chat to someone in particular then it’s for one reason only!

It’s the safest app to use if you’re hoping not to get caught flirting/cheating/sexting

I say that as someone in their 20s

He wouldn't be for me. All that perving (over a woman who clearly has self esteem issues) is very unattractive and childish.

Celebrity crush, fine. Private fantasy about someone in the office, sure, but the wank material, constant contact, texting his mate about how hot her insta post is and gleefully telling you about feeling her bobs like a 13 year old is really sad.

He is a pervy guy which only gets more grim as they get older. If that's what you're into fine, but personally he would give me the creeps

His perving over Katie should tell you everything you need to know about how special you are to him. You are not.

Or .. he feels it's perfectly ok to combine a serious relationship with (probably flirty - because Katie sounds like her every interaction with men is about attention and validation) regular contact with women you've sexted, and to actively follow their SM even though you know they use their body/sexiness to seek attention, and to write your mates appreciative messages about their latest sexy pics.

Wonder how most men would feel about their partner doing the equivalent - daily, unnecessary contact with a guy they've sexted (minimum) before, messaging their mates about his gym photos on SM with "hot!" Emojis, touching their ass at a work do (but all the other ladies were copping a feel too do it's ok) .... most men wouldn't put up with this in a month of Sundays.

But women should because boys will be boys.

You snooped and found something from years ago and now are putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5.
What your dp says to his friends is none of your business.

I'm sure you wouldn't be pleased if your dp grilled you over something that happened before you got together.

Nope. Not ok with me. This is someone he has sexual history with and clearly he still has the hots for her. It's ok to still find someone attractive but to message a friend about it is disrespectful imo.

I know my DP would agree with me that this is not OK.

Some may see this as harmless and compared to other things it is, but it is understandably harming your security in the relationship.

@canigooutyet I think it's different if as a straight woman another straight woman says they've had implants and ask if other women would like a feel.

Yes it's a bit flirty maybe but it's not the same as a woman saying to a group of men (work colleagues at that) if they'd like to cop a feel of her new boobs.

It is signalling that she's potentially sexually available to them.

How she acts is her business but that is what it suggests. And I don't think OP's partner should've groped them.

Blokes will be blokes ?

Utter crap. Bad enough if this was a stranger but he knows her, he has a relationship with her and they are interacting in a way that is disrespectful to your relationship.

He has said all the right things? Hmm, but did he mean them. Your partner shouldn't be making you feel like shit and you sensed something was up for a reason.

I'd be going home for something then when he calls tell him it's over.

I'm sure you wouldn't be pleased if your dp grilled you over something that happened before you got together.

The regular contact, communal boob touching (it's possible to sit that out you know, none forced him to be part of the circle touching her tits), SM following and messaging his mate about how hot her latest pic is .... are not before they got together. All inappropriate behaviour, the fact he was sexting this "lady" in the past just makes it even more inappropriate.

Previous poster upthread is correct... every work place has a “Katie”
We had one, a real predator.. she’d had a boob job, and they spent more time out of her bra and on display and getting ‘tried out’ than not! She hung round the males like a bad smell and would abandon us girls mid-conversation if a man walked in!
Eventually she left... and the way the men referred to her afterwards was not complimentary!! She was seen as the ‘good time had by all’
‘Katie’ is desperate for male attention... ANY male attention and your DP needs to grow up a bit... he’s not a teenager any more!
If your Do moves jobs, does that mean ‘no more Katie?’

Always love how people always say I never look through my DPs phone however it just magically appeared in my hand and up popped these messages on (whatever platform). That right there is a trust issue, you when snooping because something obviously niggled at you. Own up to your DP that you did this because its just grim that you did that. However the boob touching (even if other men were doing it and her boyfriend was there) is an issue. He shouldn't be touching other women's boobs no matter the circumstances. I wouldn't be cool with how he spoke about Katie to Steve either. Men will not just be men. Stop being the cool girlfriend OP.

every work place has a “Katie”

And every man has a choice as to how much he interacts with Katie .. or not!!

He can choose whether to touch her, he can choose whether to message her, he can choose whether to actively follow her on SM, he can choose whether to comment (privately or not) on her SM pics etc.

He clearly doesn't see her as a friend if he's talking about photos on her Instagram like that. I wouldn't want to be with a man like that.

If your Do moves jobs, does that mean ‘no more Katie?’

The only thing that means "no more Katie", current or future .. is a man not engaging with her.

Not sure why that's not occurring to you.

My dp has mentioned similar women who end up sitting on the laps of some male colleagues at work did ... Note some work colleagues, other men do not encourage or go along with it. That's the difference.

*work do's

@Wearywithteens

Yeah apparently they share a hive mind and are incapable of independent, rational thought.
Of judgement on whether something is appropriate or not, or whether they'd like to be on the receiving end of the equivalent from their partner.

Poor menz, must be so awful being forced to interact with every attention seeking, flirty women you encounter and having no choice in the matter.

Snookerloopy what an awful post. Are we still sneering at and criticising the Katie's of this world rather than expecting men to behave in a mature and intelligent way?

If she is "slutty" and a running joke what does that say about him and his (many) interactions with her? About the lack of respect with which he views women?

He sounds pathetic and she seems desperate.