Feel utterly sad and need to tell someone

[winsterwoes]

I guess I just need to write it out somewhere. Not sure if this is the beginning of the end.

Been married for 2 years (together for 3.5), have a 6 month old baby together. Day to day life on the surface is pretty good - we get on really well (I would consider him my best friend), loads to chat and laugh about, built a lovely home together, have a good balance of spending time together and having time to do our own thing, have our own friends and hobbies, rarely argue......

The problem is that when we DO argue (and it’s only ever about one thing : housework) - he turns into the most unreasonable person ever. He has this god-like complex that he can never be wrong, he refuses to listen to my reasoning or explanations, paints me as the one that caused it and the one that should back down. Sometimes I do back down just to move on with life, sometimes I refuse to back down and then we just sweep it under the rug and it stays there until next time.

Today I got so angry while preparing dinner that I literally threw the boiled egg I’d just peeled across the kitchen and stormed out. In my 36 years of life I have never thrown anything in a rage or stormed out of anywhere. I feel like the arguments get me more worked up every time, just because I know what’s coming and I’m beginning to despair.

So, having an unexpected evening alone left to my own thoughts, I’m wondering things like....
Can I be with someone who will not partake in a constructive argument? They are going to happen, so one needs those skills. If I’m getting more frustrated each time it happens, it’s only going to get worse surely. Should I put up with these (fairly infrequent) arguments for an otherwise great life together? I want to maybe voice it to him that I’m contemplating being without him but if I voice it out loud, I can never take it back, it’ll always be there. I want another baby, what if I don’t get another chance? If I leave him, will I ever find anyone else who I get along with so well? If we got a divorce, it would be really quite embarrassing at work and amongst extended family and things. I know some of those are silly things to be thinking.

I feel quite calm but very sad, I just don’t know what to do or say when I see him in the morning. I suppose any and all thoughts are welcome. Thankyou for reading. X

OP,
I'm sorry but you are in an abusive relationship.

Well done for beginning to realise thatbyou have married badly.
He's a waster.
One of life's wasters.
It is not going to get better, most like a lot worse.
Don't get pregnant, that would ad shit on an awful relationship.

Your relationship is awful, get org4and get out.

This choice is yourrs.

He's a waster.
A real waster.

If the arguments are just about cleaning, why not get a cleaner and get him to foot the bill?

Also if you're thinking it's an issue that's not worthy of staying together long term then that's a bigger issue.

It sounds like you're frustrated he's not listening to you or helping you

I don't agree with pp. I think you need to talk to him, maybe with a counsellor because if you can't resolve an argument it is damaging to the relationship.

I don't agree he is abusive. But it's not ok he won't talk to you.

This sounds a little like me and my DH. We rarely argue but when we do it can spiral out of control and neither of us win, we both just lose and feel crappy. Our arguments are never over serious things like health, money, cheating accusations etc. It's Always stupid things (like housework!!).

I think the pp (billy) response is a bit dramatic in my opinion as it sounds like you're a very much in love couple. Suggesting it's an abusive relationship is quite an extreme accusation. To me it sounds like childish arguments and neither of you know how to argue "maturely". so My suggestion wouldn't be to run and that he is a time waster. It would be to consider some marriage counselling and talk and work through how you'd like things to change, and essentially, how to have adult like marriage arguments. Because like you say, they are going to happen and that is okay.

In my view, it is up to both people to change if they want it to work- never one sided no matter how much you might think you're right. Which is why I'd have thought marriage counselling would be the next logical step. Of course failing that then perhaps there are bigger things/changes to discuss.

Good luck

On the flip side, I remember some bad patches through our married life where it was not good, but we both went into it with the view that we would try bloody hard to make it work. I remember driving off for the evening so angry about things on more than one occasion. Unkind word were said in the heat of the moment more than once. But ultimately we love each other and are still here over 20 years later. Over the years we have taken time to try to understand how each other is feeling, but in the early years it was not the case!
Depends on what you want at the end of the day.

You are trying to get him to do housework and he doesn't want to, is that right? And he simply won't discuss it?

He may just genuinely not have arguing skills. Go to counselling and learn together.

If he can't cope with the idea of counselling, well, not sure I'd bother with him tbh. Something has to give, be it the marriage, your sanity, or his pride. You cant solve this problem on your own.

@billy1966 thankyou but I do think as others have said, that's an extreme view

@beansontoast2020 that's a great insight thankyou for taking the time to write it

If this is the only issue you argue like this then it sounds like you're both acting out a pattern. Some how you need to break it either mutually or with support.

If you say something like how do you think I feel about doing all the cleaning ?

What do you think we should do about the chores ?

Ask his perspective. Be silent when he answers. Stay silent for a while longer. Let him fill in the gaps. He'll start back tracking. It really works.

If however this is a pattern for all arguments then you may need couples counselling to help you work through it.

I mean it's not juuuust about cleaning/housework specifically. Just things that need doing around the house.

Tonight's example : we agreed to make dinner together at 7.30pm. When the time comes, I hear his daughter (my step daughter) having a full blown tantrum about something and him trying to sort it out, so no bother, I started dinner. 10 mins later he comes in, I've taken the salmon out of the fridge and made the dressing whilst oven preheats. I ask him if he can put the dressing on the salmon whilst I start the salad. He does that and then picks up his drink and starts to head out the kitchen. I say (egg in hand, half peeled), oh can you put the salmon in the oven please? He says no you do it. I say it'll just take a second. And so begins an argument about why didnt I just do it if it would only take a second and I say that we were supposed to do dinner together and he says he needs to sort the kids and that I'm only making him put the salmon in the oven out of principle etc etc. So you see it starts off as a silly little thing but can escalate quickly as he just doesn't listen to my viewpoint. But as PPs have said - maybe it's also me not acknowledging his viewpoint.....

Counselling is a good idea. Not sure he would agree to it but then as suggested that would mean other bigger issues.

About two years ago (pre-baby and in a much smaller house) we had the whole 'who does more housework' argument. I actually did a daily list / spreadsheet to show who did what and to show that there are hundreds of these little one minute jobs that he belittles. But he chooses to ignore that and just says I'm silly for actually going to the trouble of doing a spreadsheet.

Now that I'm writing it out... it makes me remember how many times he's just refused to even try to work through things :-(

Sounds like he's getting triggered by something. Is it always when there's been a tantrum?

He says no you do it is him trying to have control, which he prefers, at this point, to getting on with you. Like a tantrum of his own.

Oh, your update makes things look a bit different... :/

Yeah. See, the issue is that usually a man who's got to a decent age without learning to argue productively and respectfully with his female partner, tends to be a misogynist who'd honestly prefer his partner to shut the fuck up.

If you've got one of those - and his likely refusal of counseling is an indication that you do - well there isnt a whole lot you can do about that because he isn't going to change.

You could get another baby out of him and then leave, or just leave. If he refuses counselling, then I'd do the latter. Sorry op x

@Eckhart no not always when there's a tantrum.. (his kids aren't with us very often and they're generally lovely and well behaved and we get on)

@rvby
:-(

Well you missed out he has daughter and a previous relationship.
How often does step daughter stay? Odd not to mention stepdaughter upfront? If there are two dc to look after you probably cant make dinner together cooing at baby...
Why do you need to make dinner together when there are two dc to look after?
How old is stepdaughter?
How does he get on with the child s mother?
I wonder why they split?

But.... you ve not been together long. This is how he is.

Get a cleaner.
Have cooking rota
Accept you cant plan to cook together with two dc (any more?) to put to bed etc

The housework argument does seem to be trigger point...it wont get better will it?
He s left one relationship with kids
Maybe yours too wont last

@Embracelife
Sorry I didn't mention as didn't think relevant - as issues come up when stepkids aren't around too. They're 5 & 8 so don't need active looking after all the time , usually at that time on a Friday they're watching their pre-bedtime tv half hour so we can cook together no problem. Baby already long in bed by this time.

Sorry need to post this to see what else you asked., hah

It wasnt a small thing. He refused to do something very very small and turned it into your fault. He doesnt sound like a wanker tbh.

What are the other things youre now realising are a bit shit?

If this is the only issue you argue like this then it sounds like you're both acting out a pattern

Yes. You're doing the same dance over and over and no-one is happy, but no-one knows how to change it.
Stepchildren only complicate it. Sounds like a control thing to me...and I think you are both stubborn, yes?
I would not consider another baby until there is some counseling. The excitement of pregnancy would enable you both completely rug-sweep for another 10 months...and then explode when you are both sleep-deprived and have two children to look after...never mind the house!!

For those asking -
his previous relationship with his kids' mum was doomed from the start - she fell pregnant within a few weeks of them casually dating, they stayed together as she wanted to keep the baby, they tried in vain to make it work even though they weren't really suited, (trying the common 'maybe another baby will fix it'), but in the end had to agree that it wouldn't work.

I give this info to show that I don't feel that his previous relationship failing was his fault / the same scenario as this

*to completely rug sweep
(awkward phrasing, but y'all know what I mean...)
Good luck, OP!

trying the common 'maybe another baby will fix it'), but in the end had to agree that it wouldn't work

Yes. Don't go there ^