Feel utterly sad and need to tell someone

[winsterwoes]

I guess I just need to write it out somewhere. Not sure if this is the beginning of the end.

Been married for 2 years (together for 3.5), have a 6 month old baby together. Day to day life on the surface is pretty good - we get on really well (I would consider him my best friend), loads to chat and laugh about, built a lovely home together, have a good balance of spending time together and having time to do our own thing, have our own friends and hobbies, rarely argue......

The problem is that when we DO argue (and it’s only ever about one thing : housework) - he turns into the most unreasonable person ever. He has this god-like complex that he can never be wrong, he refuses to listen to my reasoning or explanations, paints me as the one that caused it and the one that should back down. Sometimes I do back down just to move on with life, sometimes I refuse to back down and then we just sweep it under the rug and it stays there until next time.

Today I got so angry while preparing dinner that I literally threw the boiled egg I’d just peeled across the kitchen and stormed out. In my 36 years of life I have never thrown anything in a rage or stormed out of anywhere. I feel like the arguments get me more worked up every time, just because I know what’s coming and I’m beginning to despair.

So, having an unexpected evening alone left to my own thoughts, I’m wondering things like....
Can I be with someone who will not partake in a constructive argument? They are going to happen, so one needs those skills. If I’m getting more frustrated each time it happens, it’s only going to get worse surely. Should I put up with these (fairly infrequent) arguments for an otherwise great life together? I want to maybe voice it to him that I’m contemplating being without him but if I voice it out loud, I can never take it back, it’ll always be there. I want another baby, what if I don’t get another chance? If I leave him, will I ever find anyone else who I get along with so well? If we got a divorce, it would be really quite embarrassing at work and amongst extended family and things. I know some of those are silly things to be thinking.

I feel quite calm but very sad, I just don’t know what to do or say when I see him in the morning. I suppose any and all thoughts are welcome. Thankyou for reading. X

Yes @DamnYankee we are both stubborn.... :-/

Thankyou all for your very helpful thoughts and insights. A lot to think about

Out of interest OP, was this a bit of a whirlwind romance? I only ask, as it seems like you haven't actually known each other for that long, to already be married and have a baby together. Infact you'd have only known each other 18 months in total when you got married, which to be fair is how long it would take some couples just to plan a wedding. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, I just wonder if you really "knew" him as well as you thought you did, and now the cracks are starting to show?

I think you need to insist on counselling. Say you will leave if not.

If it doesn’t work then I’m afraid the future will be difficult, the household job issue will get worse as children get older and arguments about parenting more divided. It needs sorting now or I would walk away.

I hope it works out.

OP this isn't going to go away

@rottiemum88
Yes I suppose it was a whirlwind romance - it just felt right from the beginning and I think we decided within about 6 months that we wanted to get married. I don't want to make this out to be all doom and gloom - we are still generally very much in love and loving life together, except for this one thing that crops up now and again!!

Getting to the point where you're so frustrated at years of this behaviour that you're throwing things is pretty extreme, isn't it?

He's disrespectful and manipulative, worsening over time, and by your own admission always has been but you put up with it because of the nicer stuff (which, by the way, is precisely what an abusive relationship looks like).

What do you want your child to learn about relationships? And do you want them to grow up witnessing this kind of stuff?

I would say that if he doesn’t see his kids very often then it’s a bit off to stick them in front of the TV so you can cook together.

Surely much nicer for him to hang out with them while you cook.

@TinklyLittleLaugh I don't think this thread is about judging his parenting skills. But since you asked - he has plenty of time with them before and after they watch their half hour of a program that they WANT to watch, as well as the rest of the weekend. Whether we cook dinner together on a Friday night or not is not really the point. It just happened to happen tonight.

Men not doing their share of housework, making out it's not a big deal and having endless excuses and arguments about why they can't shouldn't do it, is very common IME and one of the reasons women in general do so much more. Not because they want to but because it's so exhausting trying to heave his share onto him and deal with all the bad feeling, and stuff has to get done.

(Of course sometimes it's not the man who's like this, but it is in 99.9% of cases I know of)

I had this in my LTR too and it wound me up for years. (I also did the list thing! He acted surprised and contrite, then immediately forgot about it). There were other issues as well and eventually I ended it. But before that, I did sometimes think it might work if we just didn't live together but were still a couple. You could raise that as something to talk about with him to start with, instead of talking about separating. It would let him know how upsetting this is for you and how serious it is and possibly get him to consider counselling.

But be warned, some men are like this because deep down, maybe not consciously, they just don't think they should have to bother their arses because it's your job to manage everything domestic, because you're a woman. If he's like this, I suspect his ex had a problem with it too and maybe that's why it makes him kick off and get unreasonable - he probably thought it was her issue and it's mysteriously followed him.

Ridiculous that abuse has been suggested from this.

The sort of argument you had sounds so trivial, and it doesn’t seem to me like he did anything terrible. You were doing dinner, he was doing the kids, he pooped into the kitchen for a minute and you started giving him jobs to do. Tbh, I can understand why he’d rather have just got back to the kids and let you get on with dinner.

But, it’s also highly possible that you got so angry over such a little thing because you do do the majority of the housework so your irritation has built. It might be worth trying to work out whether he really is a lazy sod who would be happy to live in disorganised filth, or if his way of doing things in the house is fine and it’s just that you have higher standards of how you like things.

Does he like cooking with you? Maybe he doesn’t see the point. I never understood it myself.

I would rather divide and conquer these tasks. One cooks and gets it done and then the other cleans. Or alternate nights to do both (I prefer this way as I like to clean my own mess as I make sure I cook things that don’t use lots of utensils and pots).

You could go for counselling on your own. I think we're a society that isn't very good at arguing or disagreeing constructively. Plus women are socialised not to express anger which can lead to a build up of tension and frustration.
You need to learn how to communicate assertively and how to define boundaries. You could try reading Boundaries. It's very helpful.
If the current situation suits him, then he'll push back against you trying to change it but you need to stay firm. It's only once you've firmly asserted your boundaries and clearly communicated that you'll know whether he wants to work with you or not. Then, you can decide about whether the relationship is going to work longterm.

OP - I am going on just the example of the argument you provided and in that - it seems to me that there are two people who are at fault.

You seem to be inflexible and like to control/manage things in a pre-determined way. And while pre-baby it might have worked OK - everything changes when kids are there and one has to be able to adjust plans. You seem to get anxious and angry if that happens.

Your plan to cook dinner together - of course needed to take into account the situation with two tantruming kids, when that happened. Tantrums are draining and need a parent’s attention.
Ask yourself why it was so important for you to make him follow the earlier plan - and why you needed to point it out?
Putting sauce on fish and sticking it to the oven isn’t a huge help to you at that point - saves almost no time. So - why make a big deal - almost seems like you were claiming your share of him over his kids.
Your escalation was quite unreasonable.

On his side - I think it’s part of a pattern and a dynamic that you are in. He isn’t hearing you and isn’t being heard other. I am sure it brings up all kinds of bad arguing.

And lastly. You think the issue is that he never thinks he is wrong. In the way you right - it seems that you aren’t questioning if you may be wrong about anything. So you are not that different.

There is hope here, though. But it’d need both of you to take a good look at the issues, starting from yourselves

Your update completely changed my opinion. What harm was there putting something in the oven as he had been dealing with his daughter.

You also say that the children are watching TV usually and you cook dinner together and you don't have them often.

The reality is that he should be with his children not cooking with you. Eat when they are in bed or all together. You have to understand he is a dad and that should come first:

@MMmomDD - great response. Totally agree.

You have a tiny baby, his young children, one of whom had a massive meltdown and he was dealing with that. I would be so annoyed if DH turned to me and started delegating tasks (pop the salmon in the oven) while I'm trying to deal with the aftermath of a tantrum plus the needs of the other kids, one being a 6-month-old who needs looking after and feeding. He was trying to do that. You should have left him to it and just cracked on with dinner, imo.

Get a cleaner. Make life simple. I think alphablocs advice is really good. It's exactly what we do. I do all the cooking. DH scrubs the pots and pans. With a 6 month old, you'll both be a bit underslept and tetchy anyway. Choose your battles. Tell him you need a bit more support. Don't argue with him about it. Just tell him what you need.

If we got a divorce, it would be really quite embarrassing at work and amongst extended family and things. Well yeah, but mostly, it would be really sad and really hard on YOU, your DH, and kids. Who cares what work thinks?!

Oh for heavens sake!

His child had just had a tantrum. Of course he'll be distracted, and at his wits end.

And then you pushed him to do a one minute job. Was that entirely kind?

Yes, kids that age need looking after.
And you said they aren't with you very often? So,they come over, one has a tantrum,your husband is stressed, and you insist that he follows your plan?

That's pretty selfish, OP

Sorry OP, but I agree totally with @MMmommDD completely here.

Marriage requires a certain level of flexibility within the partnership.

If my DH is stressed or mentally occupied with something (e.g. in your example a tantrumming child), I take the pressure off him by taking on 'his' tasks in the interim. He does the same for me.

I ask him if he can put the dressing on the salmon whilst I start the salad. He does that and then picks up his drink and starts to head out the kitchen. I say (egg in hand, half peeled), oh can you put the salmon in the oven please? - it sounds like you did not fully communicate your expectations to him. He was (presumably) stressed out or concerned about the childcare, completed (in his eyes) the task you gave him, only for you to add an additional task at the last moment.

Sometimes one person in a marriage genuinely does not care as much about certain tasks as the other. I think it's a bit unfair to foist your expectations onto another person and force them to live completely up to your standards. For example, does your DH really care about cooking a meal from scratch or would he be just as happy eating spaghetti with a shop-bought sauce?

Early in my marriage I realised that there's certain things that I care deeply about and will spend substantial time on that my DH doesn't personally care about or think he directly benefits from. Over time I've lowered my standards for household cleanliness and taken on additional cooking. Conversely, DH cares more about the budgeting and the household admin so he takes charge of these more.

Similarly, if there's certain tasks that one person hates doing but the other doesn't mind then tasks can be apportioned in a way that makes both people feel happy - e.g. if one person LOATHES taking the bins out but doesn't mind forever cleaning the bathroom instead then the couple comes up with an arrangement where Person 1 always does the bins and Person 2 always does the bathroom.

It does sound like your DH is extremely unreasonable if he's not even willing to discuss the housework issue with you in a way that makes you feel listened to. Maybe counselling would be useful in this respect, because it would be a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship over petty squabbles.

Hmmmm.
OP - I think you are posting on here because you FEEL things aren't quite right, but they're not quite wrong enough to tell your friends, family or others.

It sounds like it was his turn to help make dinner, he refused, then made you sound unreasonable for asking.

I think he's manipulating and controlling you. I don't feel sorry for him. Keep your eyes open, and feel confident to leave the next time.

YOU are not in the wrong, or you would not ask anonymous opinions.
for you.

Distracted and at his wits end due to a tantrum? That sounds so very dramatic to me. The baby was asleep. The tantrum was over. How could that render you incapable of putting some dressing over salmon and shoving it in the oven? It’s a thirty second job that would barely even register with me. I couldn’t be bothered cooking together either - you get in each other’s way and I’d rather one occupied the kids but certainly if I wandered into the kitchen I’d be happy to do that small task before heading out.

Had he already walked out of the kitchen when you asked?

It's something my Husband does that grinds my gears, waits until I have walked away to tell/ask me something else...

It could be just as simple as that, on this occasion. :)

I also think you were both wrong here. This didn’t need to escalate to throwing food and storming out.

He might be shit at other times, but tonight I think you borderline forced him to help with the salmon for no reason, other than to stubbornly stick to the initial plan or assert authority perhaps. Were you just in a mood to begin with? I think as soon as he said he wasn’t going to put the salmon in the oven, you were looking for an argument. Was this the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I think you should apologise for overreacting as you certainly contributed to last night’s events, but also air out your concerns. Marriage needs compromise at times; Perhaps he needs to pull his weight, perhaps you need to work on your anger. Throwing food and getting angry over trivial matters isn’t something that should happen regularly, you’re getting more & more frustrated and that isn’t a great environment for the kids - let alone a potential 2nd baby.

Op I think your relationship has a lot going for it, you should try marriage counselling

Don’t sweat the small stuff. You have a good relationship, so just talk to him about how things went in the kitchen. I think you were asking a bit much of him when his child was clearly needing attention. You should’ve given him some slack. Certainly not worth splitting up when all other areas of your relationship is good.