Thoughts on men that like younger women

[namechangeagain12]

So I seem to come across a lot of blokes late 20's early 30's who like younger girls, between 19-21. I know we are only talking around 10 years age gap here but I think it's disgusting...

I remember when I was 19 at uni and my flat mate's 29 year old friend was trying to sleep with me - I thought he was weird as hell! I was never a immature 19 year old but still, 19 to me is still VERY young.

Is this totally normal? Am I being unreasonable here for judging a bloke for constantly liking younger girls photos? I appreciate these girls look late 20's but for some reason it freaks me out and puts me right off them.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just after a gentle discussion

Understand wolfgirl , we are not jealous of your partner . I can’t speak for others but I would t be paid a million dollars to go back to being 20 or even 30 . These are honestly the best years as they say, but not many of us are going to be happy to sit back and be told that women as a whole are valued only as wombs and that’s their attractive years . It’s biology . Full stop
Unless you have hard evidence you can expect some question when making a statement that dismisses an entire gender over age 40 or 50
This has nothing to do with judging relationships . This is you making a judgement about women’s worth and attractiveness .
If I’m honest your posts seem to have a lot of hostility directed at older women and I can’t help but wonder where that’s coming from . Your accusing older women of being jealous of you but maybe you are worried your partner will become attracted to an older lady and leave. I’m not saying that’s true but just asking

Come on Wolfgrrl, if May-December relationships were all about biology and nothing else, they’d be seen as completely normal and no-one would think they were creepy.

Which is not to say that they are all creepy, of course - many work very well.

But it’s no use pretending that they’re based on some kind of biological imperative. They’re much more about cultural factors that devalue women.

I think the thing is, some older men seek out much younger women they see as naive and vulnerable. In this way, men who are abusive anyway are choosing “victims” they think will be easier to manipulate.
But not all age gap relationships are this way, and I think this becomes less common the older the woman gets. Hence why I think this is less of a risk for me now at 26, I’ve had my fair share of awful relationships and am wiser.
Age gap relationships aren’t inherently abusive at all, but it’s a dynamic which can be sought out and exploited by men who are abusive.
Ultimately I think if everyone is happy then let them crack on. Who am I to judge really? It doesn’t necessarily mean that man would never find a woman his age attractive or believes women have to perform femininity for him.
I have a friend in a relationship with a much older man who I think is terrible for her, but I have friends in relationships with boys our age who I think are also terrible 😂

God I’d better point out I don’t mean at all that very young women are at fault for being “wise” to possible abuse. I just mean I have been through that now and have more life experience which makes me less vulnerable to this, having lived it.

How is earning more, financial abuse?

Relationships with power imbalances are becoming more and more unacceptable, by society.

Because earning more than the other IS a power imbalance?

Can you even see the problem with what you wrote above 😂😂

All relationships have imbalances! It doesnt mean they're abusive.

Why is that so hard to understand? 🙄

I agree catsandlavender, both my age gap relationships were when I was in my teens and, frankly, an idiot.

The men weren’t abusive (though one was a bit and it could have got worse, but I went travelling and got over him, thank god), but they were weird / losers.

N=2, NAOMALT and all that, of course.

My significant adult relationships have been with men a little younger than me. My husband is five years my junior.

wolfgirrl exactly, they can be abusive, financial differences (not sure how to put it lol) are just one other way that men who are abusive anyway might seek out a woman he thinks he can control easier. My bf earns a ton more than me (I’m a student until September) but there is no hint of financial abuse. There’s just some awful men out there who prey on any women they consider vulnerable whether that’s super young, poor, single mums etc
But I like to think there’s also many many happy relationships with what could be perceived as power imbalances but don’t manifest in that way if you get me.

Agreed Cats that not all age gap relationships are the result of an older person actively seeking out a younger one . Sometimes people just fall in love and happen to have an age gap
There’s no biology imperative
When we start considering the predators who seek someone younger deliberately then matters of gender imbalance etc enter the picture
But again ... certainly not saying all age gap relationships are unhealthy

Because earning more than the other IS a power imbalance?

Well its not is it. All money going into a joint account, where both people have free access to it solves that.

Age gaps naturally have a power imbalance in them, because the older one has more life experience. That cant be evened out.

But again if you are a high earner and seek out people who earn very Littleton try and trap, then, yes its abuse.

That doesn't mean automatically earning more is abuse. Like most people have said, no one said all age gap relationships are abusive. So, again, dont really get your point.

Earning more also often doesn't start that way. In LTR there will have often been a time where there was a disparity in earnings.

Take a woman that lives with a man that earns a lot more, owns the house, holds the purse strings. She is told he is financially abusing her.

Take a man that lives with a woman that earns a lot more, owns the house and holds the purse strings. She is told he is a 'cocklodger' on here.

Men are always at fault somehow on MN.

Maybe you’d enjoy some of the reddit threads more . There’s plenty of it’s biology we only like women under 22 ‘ threads there

@Trevsadick

What is life experience anyway? It's not like some video game where you go up levels in a linear fashion. For adults of all ages life is mainly work, pub nights, paying the bills and partying. You dont really gain 'life experience' until you reach some adversity, which can happen at any age.

Trev I hear your point, but access to your spouse’s money wouldn’t make financial abuse impossible. One partner can be constantly reminding the other that it’s their money, they are the reason the other has a nice house/clothes/holiday so good better shut up and be grateful.. etc. I’m not saying this to counter your point as it goes without saying really, I’m just adding to what you said.

I’m curious about what you think counts as an age gap and insurmountable power imbalance though. Like I said, my DP is nearly 7 years older than me. I was 22 and he was 28 when we met, we are noW 26 and 32. The condom broke once and I had to go to Boots for plan b and the woman (for some reason) asked me what dp’s age was, I told her and she said it must have been coercive. I made a formal complaint about her, it was so mad.

I was 20 when I met my now dh...who is 9 years older than me. He thought I was older,I thought he was younger. So after an hour of chatting it really didn't make a difference. I honestly never even notice now... we are married with two dc and have been together 15 years...married for 8. Not ALL men are pervs OP.

What are you talking about.

Throughout this whole thread I have references women who also only date much younger men and the similar power imbalance. And the same abusive behaviour displayed.

Your 2 examples are flawed. If you actually read threads here usually have the above situation would have that response if the womans earning potential had been damaged by a joint decision to be a sahp.

The second would get the response you stated if the op states that they have kids or the man doesn't do childcare etc.

There plenty of women told to get to work, for their own financial independence on mn. Vagina lodgers are often told they are just that, when there are no youngs kids involved.

On threads where the man isn't paying as much in but does lots of childcare the majority posters will point this out.

Again, of theres no kids involved and they really just lazy, of course they are Cock lodgers. Which also goes for women.

I don’t really think of less than ten years as an age gap relationship, unless one person is in their teens.

Under ten years doesn’t seem like an age gap relationship to me with unless of course we are talking about a teenager , yes

See that’s what I think. I don’t consider it an age gap, but I’ve been told in the past that people do. Which is strange. I consider it less of a thing than 19 and 23, for example. I think the ages are so crucial in these situations.

What is life experience anyway? It's not like some video game where you go up levels in a linear fashion. For adults of all ages life is mainly work, pub nights, paying the bills and partying. You dont really gain 'life experience' until you reach some adversity, which can happen at any age.*

I don't even know what to say to that. Yes you can face adversity at anytime.

Firstly, as pp pointed out, your Brian doesn't mature until your mid 20s. You like biology, there it is. You process things different.

All those things that you mention that adults do. All give you life experience. You meet different people. The older you are the more you meet. You learn from their experiences, their stories, experiencing things with them, learning to deal with different people and different situations.

The older you are, the more you would have done that. The older you the more experience different losses. Those experiences change how you perceive things. If you can not grasp that the older you the more oife exerience you have, by virtue of being around the longs there's not much you can say.

catsandlavender i couldn't put a figure on it. As I have constantly said, not all age gap relationships are unhealthy. And I do think the age of the younger person matters more.

Assuming all adults or not vulnerable, I wouldnt view a 45 year old with a 65 year old, the same as an 18 year old with a 38 year old. Or a 16 year old with a 26 year old.

Which is why I constantly keep saying not all age realtionships are bad.

I really don't know why I have to keep repeating it.

I disagree with alot wolfgirrl says. Tbat doesn't mean her relationship is abusive. My opinion is that she isn't as mature as she thinks. She clearly believes that the patriachy is something that older women make up, to blame someone for not feeling attractive.

Do i think her relationship is abuive, I dont know. That doesn't stop me thinking that alot of them are and the power imbalance is what often attracts the older person.

My life experience, seeing lots of these relationships has shown me that.

Regarding the financial abuse, I should have stated full access to money with no strings.

The ages do matter, yes, because everyone over 25 knows that most people under 25 are idiots. I was an absolute dickhead until my late 20s at least.

Do I think older women are jealous of younger women getting more attention? Of course. We all want to feel attractive.

Do you have many female friends or know any older women?

I like to look good & love fashion, this does not translate to wanting attention from men. I think i'm attractive, don't need a strange man to confirm if I am or not.
If I go out with my friends or dh why would it even cross my mind to be looking at what men are doing & who they are talking too?

Personally I think people do a lot of growing in their 20s, I met dh at 19 but I didn't marry him till I was 29 as I just needed time for me.

@WinterAndRoughWeather 😂 literally! I look back on my 21 year old self like “👀 I don’t know her...”

I think you’re spot on Trevs . When I look back to my 20s or even when I was 30 I may well have believed that older women would have been jealous of my youth and that the patriarchy was something they would make up . I may have believe that the older man showing interest in me was a ‘catch ‘ and the same man I would certainly look at differently now . Whether he were to approach me OR a younger woman I cared about As the years have passed and I I’ve seen so much more of relationships and tgr world and how things work in a deeper level my understanding has grown in ways I could t have imagined back the. .however , at the time , I too believed I was much more mature and understood men , women and the world much more than I truly did looking back . I guess THAT is what you call life

What is life experience anyway? It's not like some video game where you go up levels in a linear fashion. For adults of all ages life is mainly work, pub nights, paying the bills and partying. You dont really gain 'life experience' until you reach some adversity, which can happen at any age.

Completely disagree with this, life experience is about actually experiencing things (they don't have to be adverse), it's about meeting different people of different backgrounds & ages & learning from them. I came home from uni thinking differently about things vs when I went. Having children & becoming a parent gave me a different perspective. Working with inspirational people (particularly women) shaped me.

I should say I guess THAT is what you also call life experience...