Thoughts on men that like younger women

[namechangeagain12]

So I seem to come across a lot of blokes late 20's early 30's who like younger girls, between 19-21. I know we are only talking around 10 years age gap here but I think it's disgusting...

I remember when I was 19 at uni and my flat mate's 29 year old friend was trying to sleep with me - I thought he was weird as hell! I was never a immature 19 year old but still, 19 to me is still VERY young.

Is this totally normal? Am I being unreasonable here for judging a bloke for constantly liking younger girls photos? I appreciate these girls look late 20's but for some reason it freaks me out and puts me right off them.

Not sure what I'm asking here, just after a gentle discussion

There is an interesting thread on the relationships board about sleazy men that is quite interesting in the context of our conversation here.

I think when men get involved with teenagers or women in their very early 20s, I can’t really understand it. The change you go through every year at that time is so huge that I wouldn’t even personally have dated an 18 year old at 20. Also, people that age are usually in uni/just out of uni with very little life experience (usually). I think sometimes older men who are also manipulative and controlling see women of that age as naive and not wise to their behaviour. They think they can get them to do what they want because they’re older - this is what I mean by imbalance of power.
Of course, it’s not always like that. But it’s something I would want my daughters to be aware of. I dated a 33 year old when I was 19 and that was definitely the situation.
Now I’m 26 I sort of feel like it’s fair game now, I’m a grown woman (or so I tell myself). Also what even are “daddy issues”? I have a great relationship with my dad and always have done. I just don’t find men under 30 attractive. God knows why!

Neither of us are able to say 'ALL older men are like this' or 'ALL younger men are like this'.

I know. That's what I said. Yet you are saying this is why you went for an older man because younger men.....

Thats the odd bit. Wanting a man to be proactive, isn't about his age.

Not really sure what it you want people to say. You say you are mature and your dp is so mature. Yet you're in a relationship where his subconscious attraction to you is based on the potential quality of your eggs. You went down the route of 'bitter old woman and believe older women are uncomfortable le with age gap relationships because they feel its unfair. You haven't actually esponded to any of my points, about exactly what you mran by unfaor or your hypocrisy.

You come across like someone in their early 20s that doesn't really under patriarchy, to a great extent and who buys in too misogynistic stereotypes. Lots of us have been there. Thats why the stereotypes exist.

Unfortunately, you think people's opinions s are based on jealousy. Or that we miss our youth. Or feel unattractive compared to our younger counter parts. Which shows a distinct lack of understanding of womrn and women's issues.

Actually msTS swift posts lots of other thinks rather than just about age gap. While I recognise her posting name, I dont recognise yours so she is definitely on threads you are not.

I dont 'want' people to say anything.

Out off all the posts on here, mine and cats posts have been balanced and honest. We have both talked about our first hand experience, the ups and the downs etc. I conceded maybe it could be traced back to my upbringing, and that even for me my age gap is quite large.

On the other hand, the rest of you have just come on here to unleash your disgust and insistence that everything that works against you is a conspiracy created by men. It honestly sounds borderline paranoid.

I can only conclude you all want to put it down to a manmade concept because then you see it as potentially reversible. Or you can just blame other people.

As for Ms T, maybe one day she will get taken on a date by an older man, have the time of her life, have a few drinks and chill the heck out. Who knows?

Blame other people for what? Again, what is the 'life isnt fair' bit about. What is it we want to reverse, for our own benefit?

You seem to truly believe older women, who feel uncomfortable with age gap relationships do so because they are missing out on something. We aren't.

You may love your dp, I can see you do. However, you being with him doesn't mean the rest of us are missing out. Its like you think you have him and we all must want him, but tough he fancies younger women. We aren't missing out on anything.

I do get that some people feel like about their dps, that they have a prize. Something else women want. But honestly, thats not the case.

I don't look at men with younger women and wonder 'why can't he fancy me?'. Its bizarre that you think that.

No one can convince you that misogyny exists. Or the impacts of women or its nuances. Or how societies view of women imoacts choices of both men and women. Imoacts subconcious choice. Thats something, that often comes with age and experience

Shocking, that you feel people who agree with you are the most balanced posters. Thats not really surprising.

Your posts haven't been balanced at all.

I dont think you are jealous of my DP, you've never clapped eyes on him! He might not be your type at all.

Okay, let's just say male attraction to younger women is a societal construct. What would you suggest should be done about it? Make age gap relationships illegal? Make young women cover up? Drill photos of attractive middle aged women into mens' eyes like a clockwork orange?

No amount of propaganda will make somebody fancy someone they just don't fancy. That extends to women that dont fancy bald men, men that prefer blondes, women that prefer men the same age, men that prefer younger women, women that prefer women!

Naturally these threads interest me as they relate to my own circumstances that are quite unusual. I'm always up for having a balanced discussion, and when I read threads about other topics, it interests me when a poster with first hand experience turns up.

But I dont think any of you wanted any kind of discussion, just to vent your disgust. It is true the opposite of love is indifference.

Where I have shown disgust, venom, anger or bitterness? Disgust?

I don't hate anyone. I am not angry at anyone.

Where did I say I want something done or banned or that all age gaps relationships are bad.

I would like to see a society where womens value isn't based on their looks. For the benefit of women.

I would like to see a society where younger people don't feel they need looking after or are chatted up on the basis that their age makes them more compliant. Which is the case in a lot of age gaps relationships. I would like a society where all abuse doesn't happen, in any relationship.

So you don't think we are jealous of your dp
So what are we blaming people for, what is it that, you believe, we feel is unfair?

Your posts make no sense, unless you think women above 35 look at men with younger women and are jealous.

Yet you won't answer. You cant explain why you think we want to blame someone or feel we are being treated unfairly.

You can not seem to comprehend we have the opinions we do, for completely valid reasons. It must bitterness or anger.

What should be done about it? A lot has already been done since I was that age. Safeguarding rules have vastly improved, many sleazes can no longer use their position in teaching or coaching roles, or in positions of power in the workplace, to groom young women. There's a lot more that could be done at universities, and in many workplaces.

Scorn of the older people who choose the very young as their partners (they get this anyway to be fair)

Apart from that, the work is with our own young people. High self esteem, model good relationships and relationship skills, build their independence and love of independence, a secure childhood with secure attachments, positive male role models, an understanding of red flags. Hopefully then no need to crave older male attention, or to look to men for financial security, or to feel a need to be 'mature beyond their years'.

I would like a society where all abuse doesn't happen, in any relationship.

Wouldn't we all?

You're now trying to make out most age gap relationships are abusive in some way.

You just cannot accept sometimes it is because two people want to be together. You have to twist it to make it unhealthy or wrong, because it doesnt suit your narrative.

Do I think older women are jealous of younger women getting more attention? Of course. We all want to feel attractive. Before too long I will be that woman myself. That is why this isnt a personal argument, because we were all young, and we will all grow older.

But when I do reach that point, I like to think I wont be sat writing nasty posts online (not you necessarily Trevsadick) lashing out at other women and trying to tell them their relationship is abusive just because it doesnt fit with how you want the world to be.

@NoHardSell

There's a lot more that could be done at universities, and in many workplaces.

University students are adults. So you would like propaganda discouraging consenting adults from choosing who they want to be in a relationship with? Gosh, very 'thought police'. At what point should people be able to make their own choices? 30? 40?

Apart from that, the work is with our own young people. High self esteem, model good relationships and relationship skills, build their independence and love of independence, a secure childhood with secure attachments, positive male role models, an understanding of red flags. Hopefully then no need to crave older male attention, or to look to men for financial security, or to feel a need to be 'mature beyond their years'.

You think you can educate people out of falling in love 😂😂 what a sad grey world that would be.

Why don't you just mind your own business and let other women mind theirs?

I agree OP, it's grim.

When I was 19-21 I had lots of boyfriends who were late 20s-early 40s, I thought it was normal at the time and was a testimony to my maturity

Now I'm early 30s myself i cant even imagine having an emotionally rewardeding relationship with a 19 year old! I now see those men as outrageous and immature and exploitative

Yes, universities should do much more, and that's exactly the direction they are travelling in. Rather slowly but getting there. Again, it is about dynamics of power. A phd supervisor can fail their student. That's a lot of power, without adding in the more subtle abuses of position.
www.theguardian.com/education/2020/feb/26/abuse-of-power-should-universities-ban-staff-student-relationships

As with workplace relationships with an imbalance of power, the move is towards regulation. One day you may well look back and understand this better. Many women do.

@nohardsell that's a workplace issue not an age one. A PHD supervisor could fail a mature student that is the same age as them.

I just cannot understand how you think policing the relationships of consenting adults is is any way okay.

Haven't read all the comments but feel my input is worthy!

I'm 21, my DP is 40. We met over 2.5 years ago at work, in a very respectable job. I thought he was younger and he thought I was older. We clicked. Were very honest with each other about our ages and situations and decided to give it a go. Our relationship is amazing.

I get on better with him than I do anyone my own age. He clearly has more life experience than me, but I learn so much from him and he learns a great deal from me too. We laugh when he talks about tv shows that were non-existent by the time I was born. It gives us more to talk about!

He has never dated younger women before, and he wasn't overly keen because of the reputation it gives you. Thank God he decided it was worth a shot! We are now engaged and I can't imagine being without him.

I think unless you are in the situation, it is very easy to judge. I certainly did until I got into the relationship myself! Xx

You're now trying to make out most age gap relationships are abusive in some way.

No I am not. I said alot. Thats not most. I have also said, that some people just meet and fall in love who happen to be of different ages.

Do I think older women are jealous of younger women getting more attention? Of course. We all want to feel attractive. Before too long I will be that woman myself. That is why this isnt a personal argument, because we were all young, and we will all grow older.

I think this is where your understanding is flawed. In my twenties, I may have felt like that. I became a mum at 22 and it was nice to be seen as a woman, not a tired mum.

But in my mid 30s, I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, if I feel I look good thats what matters what men think of my looks doesnt bother me at all. I get plenty of attention. Its unwanted. I don't need men thinking I am attractive to feel good about myself. Seeing a man with a younger women, doesn't reflect on me nor do I feel like it does. Its been like that since my early 30s.

I have 2 kids. I don't want anymore at all. Never been broody for another one. Quite frankly I cant wait until I no longer have to worry about a birth control failure. My kids are older, I can concentrate on my career more, hobbies etc. My fertility is a source of worry. I am not concerned about losing it.

I don't believe anyone has told you, your relationship is abusive. You seem to have assumed that. I hope you have a long happy healthy relationship, like i do for anyone.

But you keep talking about how mature you are, but don't understand misogyny or patriarchy or how that impacts sun conscious choices. You came out with a typical sterotype thrown at women, who have opinions (bitter) whilst telling us we are playing into the sterotupe created by dickhead men, to shut us up. You used that misogynistic sterotype yourself.

How is it unfair that we are older? Its a fact of life. The alternative is not growing older, meaning we have died, young. Thats the 2 routes we have. We have been where you are and not many would go back.

I still can't get where blame comes into it. I don't get who you think we are blaming and what for.

@Malone98

Watch out, your input wont be worthy here as it doesnt agree that age gap relationships are abusive and sexist!

And god help you if you encounter Ms T 😂😂

Glad you are happy. Follow your heart ❤

What is meant by 'a lot'? Unless you can quantify it somehow it is meaningless isnt it?

By blame I mean you are blaming men for who they are attracted to, which is out if their control.

You think you can educate people out of falling in love

Actually you can and we should. Read the relationship board here. Think about friends in unhelathy realtionships. People often stay because 'but I love them'.

When someone leaves an abusive relationship, they are extremely vulnerable to falling for another abusive person. Which is why, its advised to take time out, recover and build yourself back up, learn boundaries.

Not everyone needs educating about not falling love. But women, especially, do often find themselves in bad situations because of love. They allow helathy boundaries to be bent and broken, because they love someone. This can happen to men of course too.

People often feel they dont have choices in unhealthy relationships because they love a person and that means you support them 100%, forgive them, work at, allow them to treat them badly.

Educating people about these sorts of things early and educating that love isn't painful, early warning signs, building peoples self-esteem from being young would actually help alot of people.

It's not like it's just me policing those relationships That's the direction of travel, thank god, since the 70s at least. In the past, it was common to see that slimy teacher-sixth former relationship, or the manager-office intern. Even the different way the Clinton - Lewinsky scandal was viewed at the time and through the prism of today's views in predatory behaviour shows that direction of travel. Large age gaps, where the younger person really is young, are very often concerning. And those large age gap relationships often start in places where the power dynamic is reinforced by relative status. Your brain doesn't even fully mature until mid twenties. Why would someone older want to be with someone who wasn't fully mature? What does that say about them? Not anything positive, that's for sure.

Wolfgirl For all youR talking ( I’ll use the word talking and not ranting as you did with me ) there is zero proof of biology theory as stated and plenty of evidence throughout history of women being denied the same rights as men . Plenty of evidence of women not being paid the same , plenty of evidence of women being treated as walking wombs and discarded with age . So whilst you are entitled to your opinions they are certainly nothing more than a opinions and no more valid than anybody else’s . Perhaps with time and life experience they will change however you do seem totally invested in denying any difference was in the ways men and women are treated being related to social conditioning . This as far as I can see is where your thinking is flawed . Whether or not men like younger women , the answer is NOT as simple as biology. I think you are actually not only doing women a big disservice in rendering them unattractive without fertility but also your theory reflects pretty badly on men . After all females are fertile from very early in life . Are you saying men are attracted to ten year old girls but just don’t act on it .
I said several pages back I should end conversation with you and it was my mistake for continuing you immerse tone was hostile and attacking of older women . I pray you don’t work with older women
Ps can assure you that older women being approached by younger men are not outliers

What is meant by 'a lot'? Unless you can quantify it somehow it is meaningless isnt it?

Its a lot. Its a significant amount. But its not equal to most. I dont have the figures to hand and dont have the time to do a nationwide survey.

By blame I mean you are blaming men for who they are attracted to, which is out if their control.

Men and women who seek out younger partners, so they can influence them and control. Damn right I blame them for their behaviour. The same as I blame men who seek out women, who have recently left abuisve relationships. But that doesn't reflect on me. Thats me blaming them for being abusers. Not for doing somethong wrong to me.

Generally, no i don't blame men for who they are attracted to. Sorry but I still don't get it. I would blame them for not fancying me? So you think I believe all men should fancy me? If I blame them, that means I think they are wrong. If someone doesnt fancy me, they don't fancy me. Its not wrong. I couldn't care less.

Who on earth do you think you all are, to say whose relationships are acceptable in society and whose arent? This really is encroaching into the state controlling people's private lives which I find abhorrent. If there is no evidence of abuse, and two adults want to be together, how dare you think you have the right to intervene?

Do you earn more than your husband, or vice versa? If so, FINANCIAL ABUSE. Do either of you have a preference for slimmer people? BODY SHAMING. Is one of you more educated than the other? POWER IMBALANCE.

Honestly do you not hear yourselves? You sound crazed.

Do you not hear yourself wolfgirl

You sound like the one marching in here telling all us ‘ older ladies ‘ how unattractive we are and what a catch you think you are because , why ??? Well youth of course

Do you earn more than your husband, or vice versa? If so, FINANCIAL ABUSE

How is earning more, financial abuse?

Relationships with power imbalances are becoming more and more unacceptable, by society.

Thats doesnt mena all age gap relationships are unhealthy or bad. If yes power imbalance doesn't apply to you, or you genuinely feel it doesn't, then why would you be bothered.

Neither me or do were divorced when we got together. Both definitely separated and had bene for a while. I know people often say that's a bad idea or even judge people for having sex with someone else while legally married but not with that person. Thats their opinion and they are welcome to it.

I don't take it personally. Because I wa sure it was the right relationship, sure that we were both actually separated and sure we could handle the complications of divorce. And we did.