Morning & happy Tuesday. Feeling better today, seem to have shaken off the sads (listening to some angry rock music in my childhood bedroom helped)
Different family member now acting as message courier. Husband not ill enough to be admitted & will be seen by community MH team, and in the meantime needs to stay in house. I’ve responded in that I want to move back in on Friday at the latest. He clearly has a pretty extensive support network who could surely, between them, put him up or arrange somewhere for him to stay. Seems my mental health or where I feel safe aren’t even on anyone’s radar. It’s fine for me to just deal with this fundamental betrayal while living out of a suitcase and attempting to work remotely without my DSE kit (won’t fit in dad’s car). I’m guessing he’s signed off work.
You all raise many great questions and points, which I will try to respond to - apologies if I miss any.
A few people have suggested he’s exhibiting narc behaviour. I have an open mind to this. He’s certainly self-centered and seems to be following ‘the script’ of caught cheaters and DARVO-ing like crazy. IDK if it’s a full on personality disorder. I’m not a psychology expert. I am wondering if the next dramatic move is predictable – if it usually goes (as Bunnymummy suggested) ‘long, self excusing letter’ then ‘suicide threat’, what should I prepare for next? Fortunately there aren’t any children to drag into it. MulticolorMophead, very sorry your ex did that to your DC, that is reprehensible.
Thanks Hidingtonothing for the link to Jamais’ thread; I do remember reading one of her earlier ones while lurking. She sounds to be doing fantastically. I’ve also been enjoying the ‘single life’ threads; I wish I’d discovered these sooner. In hindsight I think a lot of my 20s were about compensating for how weird my autism makes me by trying to hit as many of the ‘normal life’ milestones as possible, like being in a relationship, living with someone, when perhaps that wasn’t in my interest.
In terms of what he’s actually spent/done – I only have evidence of profiles and PMs on a few daddy sites plus ‘Fuckster’ – hook up site (classy). There are chats with girls offering them money. If money has actually changed hands, it certainly hasn’t come out of our joint account or credit card, but he has around a grand a month of ‘fun money’ that is just his to spend and I don’t see, so I guess it’s plausible that his sugar sprinkling was coming out of that - unless he has credit in his sole name that I don’t know about. I do watch our joint accounts like a hawk as I work in finance and am a bit paranoid about fraud, also he has a bad habit of ‘forgetting’ to pay with his own card for personal purchases and then I have to weed these out and ask him to pay the joint back. I thought this was carelessness and now I’m leaning towards dishonesty.
The house is in both our names (joint tenants). I am unsure of the law re. occupation. I believe that is relevant for child residency issues but not sure it applies to adults, i.e. he wouldn’t get any more ‘right’ to the house or more of the equity by sitting in it and sulking. I could be wrong, though. Related point: are cat custody battles a thing? She was my cat first and pre-dated him as a cohabitor.
I spoke to my friend’s recommended shit hot solicitor, who was lovely and pragmatic – thinks mine should be a ‘straightforward’ case and it would not be at all unreasonable to ask for a substantially more favourable equity/savings split, given my larger deposit, gifts from my family and the relative shortness of the marriage.
Plants are indeed expensive, Vodkacranberry! I learned of the concept of an expensive separation present to oneself in the singles thread; maybe I’ll treat myself to a variegated Monstera Deliciosa.
Take care all, and thank you once again. This thread has really helped me clarify my thinking and has been a great source of strength to me.