Well, he's cheating on me

[TirisfalPumpkin]

Probably not physically due to lockdown, but I have 'smoking gun' screenshots of my husband on dating sites messaging women, looking for 'fun and companionship', even offering to be someone's 'sugar daddy' through uni.

Well this is a bit shit, isn't it. I know it sounds flippant. I think I'm in shock. I thought I had trust issues that I needed to work through, and while I suspected, I didn't know. It turns out my intuition was right.

I now need to accompany him to his grandmother's funeral and be nice in front of the family.

Can't believe he would do this to me. I'm going to generalise and say what the hell is wrong with men. Why do they do this.

I also have no idea what to do myself. I'm half tempted to send the screenshots to his mum and say 'have a word with your son', or maybe messily all over social media. I have no idea what is best for me, though. I thought our relationship was best for both of us. My ex did this too. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.

I'm a bit jealous about your single life plans

Hope you're doing ok today OP.

I'm twice divorced and my kitten is coming in one week. 6 months ago I was you and it feels like a lifetime ago. Plan and dream because it does get better

I am twice divorced. Proud of myself for extracting myself from unhealthy partnerships

After many happy years on my own I am very happily living with a wonderful man. I am however financially independent, own my own seperate property that I rent out. I work full time. I will never make myself financially vulnerable again. There are no power struggles in our relationship as we are both financially independent and are together as we add positively to each other's lives.

It's a powerful thing to walk away from an unhealthy relationship - I have no doubt from what you are writing that you can and will do this. I'm sorry your husband turned out to be a cheating scumbag but you deserve better than this.

Yesterdays, kitten!! I hope the new arrival goes well for you.

I’m doing okay. Stoic affirmations, good coffee and dreams of the future are helping. It hurts immensely at times. We had a made up language and lots of weird in jokes. Often said it’s a good thing we are married to each other for the well-being and sanity of everyone else. I guess online dating with teenagers was more important than that.

I asked him to leave and he refused, wanting to talk about it, so I have left instead. Crashing with my parents for now, solicitor on Monday. Miss my cat the most right now, tbh. I do not believe she is at any risk from him otherwise I wouldn’t have left her.

Thank you all for sharing your stories of having been here and it working out okay.

Hi @TirisfalPumpkin. I’ve read the thread but not commented before as I had no advice to offer. I couldn’t read and run this morning having read this. just wanted to wish you well. You are so strong! I hope you can get/see your cat soon. I’m ‘mum’ to two fur monsters and I would miss them so much

Well done for leaving. xxx Forget husbands, cats are more than enough trouble.

Please keep us updated as to how you get on. xxx

Well done for leaving , you'll feel so much better soon.
One thing , if you've got a joint savings account, I'd move your half.

@3rdNamechange

Well done for leaving , you'll feel so much better soon. One thing , if you've got a joint savings account, I'd move your half.

I agree. And even though you've left, screenshotting the profiles and PMs is still a good idea.

Op you are one very decisive and self respecting lady, hats off to you.

Sorry to hear all this OP. I'm full of admiration for you acting so decisively when faced with this!

I have no doubt after a difficult period you will have your lovely calm home with your cat

Impressive, decisive actions. No doubt you will have some low moments, hours and days to get through over the next few months but it will get brighter.

This the most recent living alone thread to inspire you - they are cyclical and always the same feedback.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3915423-Please-tell-me-good-things-about-being-single-living-alone

He wanted to talk about his desire to pay a teenager to go through university while rewarding him in some way? He sounds awful - so glad you've got out.

Hold in there OP, things really do get better

Good for you for leaving. Do NOT let him talk you round or you’ll just be right back here in a few years time but older and less able to move on easily. Anyone who can do this is a liar and not trustworthy. Remember this is only the stuff you know about. He’s probably done a lot more that you don’t. He’s utterly disgusting. You should probably get a STD check too because you can’t trust that he’s not stuck his bits somewhere disgusting. He won’t tell you the truth either. It’s best you cut it dead and move on. This time next year you’ll have your own lovely little house and you can date again and meet somebody lovely

What was there to talk about? Silly man.

I like your decisive actions. Well done and sorry he sees himself as a sugar daddy. Does he actually know how much he'd need to put a sugar baby through Uni.

Paying her rent, giving her a decent monthly amount and gifts as well. The sugar baby would be very disappointed.

Applauding you OP. You're gonna be just fine..

Thank you all so much.

'Decisive' isn't a word I think of in relation to myself. I am something of a laid back bimbler by nature. I guess I do have a strong idea about what I think is/isn't acceptable, though, so there wasn't really a decision to be made, just the practicalities.

STD check is a good thought :/

He has written me a letter, delivered by a family member. Grovelling apologies and wishes to 'work on it' with professional help, and making noises about vacating the house so I can be back in my home with my cat and my work things. This is good.

As expected, the excuse is not enough sex and feeling unable to ask for the kind of sex he likes (not specified). Dread to think what that is given his recently uncovered interests. I had slight 'the ick' before (new concept for me) and now the idea of touching him makes my skin want to jump off and run away, so even just on a physical attraction level, I can't see what's left to fix.

My parents are being incredibly good. We haven't always got along and tend to piss each other off when under the same roof, but they are giving me space but also a sounding board for thoughts and ideas as they occur, without trying to push me in any particular direction. They also agree this wasn't in any way foreseeable, so it's not a case of my bad judgement and chain-marrying idiots.

I enjoyed dipping into the single-life thread and have some more reading to do on that. Thank you, Gutterton. Some lol funny moments and much to envy. The idea of a space away from all the man noises, crashes, swears, farts, unnecessary coughs every 7.5 seconds... (that last one drives me up the wall). Before lockdown 'D'H used to do a hobby one weeknight and sometimes on a Saturday too, and particularly on the weeknight I relished how different the house felt, how I could have soft lighting, maybe a fire, a weird 'challenging' food that he doesn't like, and hang out in bed with my laptop, staying up as late as I want watching nature documentaries before drifting off to sleep.

I do need to be a bit sensible and not be completely swayed by this vision of the perfect single life (concerns of reduced income, transport since I can't drive due to my disability, etc) but as obstacles go, these don't seem in the same league as learning to want to be physically close to him again.

So I guess I need to decide about responding to the letter and, after talking to solicitor, get an idea of what my independent means are.

Thank you all for your insights and thoughts. Mumsnet women are wise and indomitable.

As expected, the excuse is not enough sex and feeling unable to ask for the kind of sex he likes (not specified).

So much for his apologies, then. He's not really owning his behaviour, just coming up with excuses. And I note the (note specified) bit, definintely trying to push at least some blame onto you.

Re STI check, most places are closed atm, but you can order self tests. If you can bear to stand yourself in the finger. Trying to work up the courage at the moment...!

Well done for being so strong and decisive OP, you should be really proud of yourself. He is clearly an arsehole and I’m glad you’re not beating yourself up about it somehow being your poor choice. Hopefully he will be reasonable about the separation of assets, and 50% equity should put you in a good position to get a place of your own (depending where you are)

Anyone that wants a 'certain kind of sex' they haven't discussed with you a) has no communication skills and b) wants shit only the naive or young ang stupid would do.

Obvs a major sleep sleaze but I think he should tell you. Then you can get the ick and bail. Pronto

The thing is, there’s cheating and there’s this kind of cheating! He hasn’t just shagged somebody he happened to work with or know. That’s inexcusable but I know plenty of people who have been able to get over it and work on their problems after a one night stand kind of mistake. He deliberately went out to look for it and in a really weird way! He wants to be a sugar daddy. It’s really weird. There’s no coming back from that! Yuk yuk yuk.

Well done for your decisive actions..

He wants to buy sex with a younger girl, so he can coerce her into doing the type of sex he wants, which is pretty fucked up.

I’m so sorry OP. I had one of these exes too. Please leave him. There’s a better life (and better men) out there.

Buffalo - I've been having a look at the numbers - fortunately I live up North where house prices aren't ridiculous. I could keep our existing house, buy him out and still afford the mortgage (albeit with less 'fun money') or get a smaller place of my own. Still figuring out about that as keeping the house would seem to make most sense, but it being 'our' house, the first one we bought together, might be difficult, and he might continue to refuse to leave.

Handhold - yes, absolutely - a random snog is a completely different animal to this. Apparently it had been going on for months and months. He didn't indicate that he was planning to tell me at any point. I could have lived out the rest of my life being deceived by someone who promised in front of our friends and families never to deceive me.

I am guessing the kind of sex would be something porn-inspired. Ironically, I probably have the more sexually adventurous history of the two of us, and I would be up for weird shit, within reason - nothing degrading or unethical. Now I have the strongest ick so sex with him of any kind is permanently off the cards. I'm not sure I want to have sex with anyone ever again now. I foresee a long break, and perhaps a permanent men ban. The advantages of being bisexual. You don't often hear about women doing this, after all.

His profile picture even had my shoe rack in the background, ffs. I'm guessing his correspondents were too young and naive to clock it and go 'ah, women's shoes, married'.