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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, he's cheating on me

130 replies

TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 12:57

Probably not physically due to lockdown, but I have 'smoking gun' screenshots of my husband on dating sites messaging women, looking for 'fun and companionship', even offering to be someone's 'sugar daddy' through uni.

Well this is a bit shit, isn't it. I know it sounds flippant. I think I'm in shock. I thought I had trust issues that I needed to work through, and while I suspected, I didn't know. It turns out my intuition was right.

I now need to accompany him to his grandmother's funeral and be nice in front of the family.

Can't believe he would do this to me. I'm going to generalise and say what the hell is wrong with men. Why do they do this.

I also have no idea what to do myself. I'm half tempted to send the screenshots to his mum and say 'have a word with your son', or maybe messily all over social media. I have no idea what is best for me, though. I thought our relationship was best for both of us. My ex did this too. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.

OP posts:
Takingontheworld · 28/05/2020 13:45

Fake illness, gain access to finances while he is out and get your ducks in a row.

What a prick. I'm so sorry OP

Gutterton · 28/05/2020 13:49

Redirect the power of your anger for your benefit - don’t erupt it all on him.

Get the best lawyer - all you ducks in a row - ready to go.

Then get on a dating website and fake an affair for him to stumble across ..... !!!

Gutterton · 28/05/2020 13:51

Actually forget that last bit - that’s just silly - have a fucking wild affair!

VenusTiger · 28/05/2020 13:51

I would definitely want his mom to know, but not now - wait until you've left and SHOW her the reasons why. Before then, and after you've lined everything up and started the divorce process, get a made-up profile on this sugar daddy account and trick him into meeting up with "you" at a bar or somewhere (after lockdown), when he arrives, that's when you slap the divorce papers onto the table and leave.

AnnaNimmity · 28/05/2020 13:59

OP, I wouldn't message his mother - you'll find that blood is thicker than water and they'll close ranks on you. Stay calm and get a lawyer.

No need to go to the funeral unless it's for you.

And while you may be twice divorced, you are showing massive self worth in walking away. Lots of people don't.

What a bastard.

Windyatthebeach · 28/05/2020 14:02

Does he have connections to the uni?

VenusTiger · 28/05/2020 14:08

@Windyatthebeach - it means you can offer to help pay uni fees by being a sugar daddy

dottiedodah · 28/05/2020 14:09

Find a good Solicitor .You wont be impoverished then, if he gets you a good settlement .You have been unlucky in love .So many people are in this position so you are defo not alone! Maybe have a bit of a break from men and have fun with your GF in the meantime . Sending hugs to you XX

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/05/2020 14:10

Revenge is a dish best served cold
If you are going to start divorce proceeding
Do your homework first
Where is the money , what are you entitled to etc
It shouldn’t leave you impoverished
I’m not saying steal his money , but be wary
Sorry . It massively sucks Flowers

getdownonit · 28/05/2020 14:15

I think the 'connection to the uni' point was more 'has he committed professional misconduct?' @venustiger....

notanothernewlife · 28/05/2020 14:15

Please don't send it to his mum. This is his, and your, issue, not hers. It is not for her to sort out an adult man. And don't put it over social media. You'll make yourself look crazy, and both of you will get laughed at.

Glad to hear you are divorcing him. He sounds vile. Sugar Daddy - what a pathetic loser.

MyOwnSummer · 28/05/2020 14:34

I came on to add to the chorus - there is no shame in being twice divorced. There is shame in being a pathetic specimen of a male who throws away a marriage with a decent woman by trying to pay a teenager for a shag - but can't even afford to pay her. FFS

Don't fall into a victim blaming mentality here OP. You can hold your head up high. You did not cheat - he did. The shame is entirely on him.

Mnthrowaway20202 · 28/05/2020 14:54

Definitely don’t go to the fin

Mnthrowaway20202 · 28/05/2020 14:57

Definitely don’t go to the funeral. It’s not fair on you to have to pretend to be normal or in mourning etc you’re essentially putting on a show for him. He doesn’t deserve that.

I’d use the opportunity to look through the house and see if you can find any paperwork etc he’s been hiding whilst he’s out

Also if anything, I respect you for being divorced twice at 34. It shows that you won’t put up with bullshit or anything less than what you’re worth. So many people stay in relationships for the sake of it, they don’t want the stigma of being single etc and want to keep up with the Joneses - meanwhile they’re genuinely unhappy

CoronaIsShit · 28/05/2020 14:57

No way would I put a public face on to ‘support’ him at the funeral while at being at boiling point inside. Only go if you want to pay your last respects because the grandmother was kind to you OP. Otherwise start ‘throwing up’ at the last minute or something and as PP use that time that he’s not aware.

Don’t waste your life with someone who has no respect or love for you. Wishing 3rd time lucky for you Flowers.

Cantpickausername5 · 28/05/2020 15:06

I don't know how you'd be able to keep it in, especially as you have all the evidence in front of you. Id say it straight out, and would also go to the funeral but I would let him know its out of respect for his grandmother and after its quits. What a horrible prick he is. I would also tell his mother the truth but only because I wouldn't want him spinning a load of bullshit to her. I wouldn't expect her to take your side or anything but I would tell her as a simple matter of fact.

3rdNamechange · 28/05/2020 15:31

I wouldn't go to the funeral unless you want to, certainly not for his sake.
I wouldn't lie and pretend to be ill either.
I would have to confront him , the twat.
Tell him to leave and then get the finances sorted , why is it always the one who has been 'wronged ' that has to leave.
Good luck

Fairycake2 · 28/05/2020 16:39

So sorry OP. I'm about to be twice divorced too so understand how you feel about that part. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's better to be divorced than to stay with some absolute twatt who has no respect for me. Personally I wouldn't be able to keep it in but if you can you'd be better off getting a few things sorted before chucking him out. Good luck 💐

WhatCFeryIsThis · 28/05/2020 16:47

I'm sorry, that is so rubbish. Remember you're the bigger person here - all cheaters are scum but some try to justify by saying their relationship wasn't working and they met someone else... whereas he knocked it out of the park with the whole sugar daddy thing. I bet he won't tell his friends that part. You'll be doing the right thing by not outing him on social media no matter how tempting it may be. But also you don't need to feel obliged to go to the funeral, remember that too. I may have missed it in a PP but does he know you know?

Original poster
TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 17:44

Thank you all for your insights and good ideas and flowers. I’m not a very social person so don’t really have friends to ask for advice. It means a lot.

To answer some questions - I haven’t confronted him (yet), there are no children, and I’m not sure how it would work financially. He earns about 2/3 of the household income.

I was probably being a bit dramatic when I said I’d be ‘impoverished’. Sorry about that, I was fucked off. I have a decent wage of my own and am currently a pandemic homeworker so being elsewhere wouldn’t be a big problem commutewise. We own a house and have over 50% equity in it. Would lose the standard of living we collectively worked towards, but wouldn’t starve. I wouldn’t expect maintenance would be awarded as I haven’t really sacrificed my career to support his or to raise children. I did contribute the lions share of the deposit, though, and I feel that should be reflected in whatever is agreed.

I did go to the funeral - it was fairly short and socially distanced, not sure I would’ve been up for a major family social event but as it was it was okay. I feel I have honoured my commitment to the family to attend and now I guess I can start putting things in place for myself.

I just can’t get over the ‘sugar daddy’ thing, though. I mean, wtf. It’s basically prostitution. It’s like deliberately seeking out a power imbalance from the outset. I would find him cheating on me with an independent adult of a similar age pretty bad, but this feels reprehensible. Makes me question our entire relationship. Did he seek me out as I was vulnerable too? (I am developmentally disabled and, when we met, was sofa-surfing homeless and on the rebound from another cheater)

OP posts:
Original poster
TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 17:50

Ah, forgot to mention

Everytime a married cheater is forgiven, a Mumsnet fairy dies. You realise thst, right?

I cannot be held responsible for killing any fairies. I will stay strong.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2020 20:47

I just can’t get over the ‘sugar daddy’ thing, though. I mean, wtf. It’s basically prostitution. It’s like deliberately seeking out a power imbalance from the outset. I would find him cheating on me with an independent adult of a similar age pretty bad, but this feels reprehensible. Makes me question our entire relationship. Did he seek me out as I was vulnerable too? (I am developmentally disabled and, when we met, was sofa-surfing homeless and on the rebound from another cheater)

It's possible he saw and used your vulnerability.

But yes, ducks in a row, get advice from a solicitor, copies of all financial information you can get, including mortgage info, and info relating to your bigger deposit, pensions info, his income info, everything.

Pensions are considered an asset, and can be split, this can be used as part of the bargaining your solicitor will have to do.

It sounds like you feel good about your choices today, and it's good the funeral went well.

WhatCFeryIsThis · 28/05/2020 21:37

No, I don't think it's that you were perceived as vulnerable. And on that note I am so impressed that your life has come so far from when you met him. You've done very well, I think this is just life pushing you on to the next stage of your success.

All the men in these arrangements want is quick fantasy style sex, and to feel a sense of pride that they are supporting a 'tiny woman'. Those girls, women, whatever, would almost certainly smell blood if he announced he was divorced and try to make a move to marry him assuming they're securing some financial wealth by doing so. For him, it would be a disaster. And by that time you will be well over him, and laughing. And will hopefully come back to tell us all about it Grin

Raidblunner · 29/05/2020 00:38

Oh dear what a wanker! Sorry your having to go through this.Yes go to the funeral and left everyone know what a twat he's been and your getting divorced.

Original poster
TirisfalPumpkin · 29/05/2020 08:02

Pretending nothing is amiss is actually quite difficult. It caught up with me somewhat last night and I ended up hiding in my home office to cry for a bit. He stayed up super late playing online games, which is unusual on a weeknight. I wonder if he has guessed something is up.

I have the names of a few good women-recommended solicitors and will give them a call today.

I'm not sure how to get hold of financials - we have a joint account with our savings, then personal current and savings accounts. His are with a different bank and paperless, so I'm not sure how to see the balances. I don't mind screenshotting dating site profiles and PMs but I draw the line at attempting to get into someone's online banking.

He has always said he doesn't save (and past behaviour has tended to bear that out) but then again I don't believe anything he says any more so who knows. I have all the mortgage stuff as I'm the only one that files paperwork and (to my knowledge) there are no other debts.

Amusing aside, after going through the rather gross process of setting up a fake 'sugar baby' profile (for viewing profiles only - I lack catfishing skills) - there are income/net worth brackets for the daddies, guess who's in the bottom one. That must have been a kick in the ego.

I was also making myself feel better by imagining the nice, white, minimalist cottage I will share with my cat when this is done. I am absolutely taking the cat - non negotiable. I haven't been single for any length of time since I was 20. The idea of living on my own terms is nerve-wracking but appealing.

OP posts: