Well, he's cheating on me

[TirisfalPumpkin]

Probably not physically due to lockdown, but I have 'smoking gun' screenshots of my husband on dating sites messaging women, looking for 'fun and companionship', even offering to be someone's 'sugar daddy' through uni.

Well this is a bit shit, isn't it. I know it sounds flippant. I think I'm in shock. I thought I had trust issues that I needed to work through, and while I suspected, I didn't know. It turns out my intuition was right.

I now need to accompany him to his grandmother's funeral and be nice in front of the family.

Can't believe he would do this to me. I'm going to generalise and say what the hell is wrong with men. Why do they do this.

I also have no idea what to do myself. I'm half tempted to send the screenshots to his mum and say 'have a word with your son', or maybe messily all over social media. I have no idea what is best for me, though. I thought our relationship was best for both of us. My ex did this too. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.

I'm guessing his correspondents were too young and naive to clock it and go 'ah, women's shoes, married'.

In the case of women going the sugar baby route, they don't care. They know many prospective sugar daddies will be married (esp since men are usually older in order to be financially stable enough to do this) and they accept that as part of the deal.

They're not looking for romance/relationship, they're looking for money in whatever form.

Many of them will have several "sugar daddies", as many as they can feasibly get and manage.

Really can’t understand men being so stupid , disgusting as it ‘all’ is wouldn’t it make more financial sense just to use escorts randomly- do they think it makes them not as bad???

An acquaintance of mine makes serious cash by being a sugar baby. Her SDs are, without exception, sad losers in her eyes who she gleefully rinses. They’re all married and she never has sex with them, just dangles the promise of it while they give her cash and gifts and take her out for posh dinners.

It’s pitiful. What a sad sack your ex is. You have been amazing.

Yippee, I doubt very much that she's not sleeping with them. Those guys are in it for sex.

OP enjoy your future without this lying, spineless little man! You sound like a lovely person, you deserve better

It’s not a subculture I ever particularly wanted to research in depth, but since we’re here -

I am curious. On the face of it I’d also question the idea that the daddies get nothing out of their considerable expenditure but the odd posh dinner with someone who is laughing about ‘rinsing’ them. Is it some kind of humiliation kink/financial domination thing? Or is there an expectation there will be sex but some ‘babies’ are skilled at social manipulation and manage to avoid the grody old man touching?

Or is there an expectation there will be sex but some ‘babies’ are skilled at social manipulation and manage to avoid the grody old man touching?

Even that sentence is fucking grim. You're better off without him by far - your white cottage sounds lush.

OP, I am feeling very optimistic for your future. You will be well rid of him and can start a nice new life in that cottage with or without a love interest but definitely with a cat. So much left to do in life and enjoy without his sorry arse in tow. Yeah, freedom!

Difficult day yesterday. Reality of situation catching up (also crap sleep, forgotten how loud the dawn chorus is out in the wilds).

Husband is having a mental health crisis following receipt of my response and at last contact was awaiting a call back to see if he can be admitted to inpatient as has been threatening to harm himself.

I know that I didn't cause this, but I guess you don't just stop caring about someone because they've treated you badly - and part of me keeps pointing out that I'm not the root cause but my 'decisive' actions are the reason it is happening here and now.

I don't know. I am treating it as genuine, as he does have a history of depression and MH problems. The more analytical part of me is not wholly convinced and think it's either a freakout over loss of control / realising that I don't have to meet him in the middle, or a really nasty kind of emotional blackmail. Could be a combination of all. I am sure he is hurting badly and that doesn't give me any pleasure at all, put it that way.

I still can't have my house back due to aforementioned MH situation. I think his mum has moved in to look after him, and a friend is also there. We're racking up more lockdown violations than Dominic Cummings. Questioning why he could not go to them since they're in close contact anyway.

I did get to see my cat yesterday, though, when i went to pick up things so I could continue to work remotely. She seems a bit unsettled and antsy, but was able to give her many strokes and chat to her a bit and elicited some happy purrs. I'm trying not to get misanthropic based on my experiences, but they really are better than people sometimes.

I reread his letter last night while feeling terrible about the suicide thing and realised it had a very 'me, me' tone, 'I want...' 'I need' etc. The closest it came to acknowledging my feelings was 'I understand you're angry and it's justifiable', but nothing about my mental health or happiness, my routine being upended, what I might want or need. It reminds me of behaviour I've seen described in other threads here, but I didn't think he was like that. Of course our own relationship is always different.

Thank you for your continued kindness and support and optimism. It's either a cottage or my existing house but wherever I end up I'm going to stretch out fully into the space and make it beautiful and full of plants.

Well it’s a shame about his MH but not sure you are supposed to fix it for him? Might take some time to work through (with your house etc) but it will be worth it in the end....

Its

Whoops - you are 100% correct. It is exactly as you have read repeatedly on here - emotional blackmail & DAVRO.

Let’s think about it - only a couple of days ago he was living his best life - he had his home, his marriage and his kinky little fetish to be bouncing along in life. He had it peachy - so he has a lot of emotional collateral and self indulgence in the bank to draw on. IME you don’t go from that to suicide - which is often a slow exhausting attrition.

He knew the truth of his life - he hasn’t been betrayed and discovered his life is fake - he has just been caught and is been a drama lama like a toddler to take everyone’s eye away from his dirty acts.

Keep well away. If you do really care about him - then leave him to the professionals for his medical care and cut the contact so that he has no false sense that you will get back together.

But really look after yourself - YOUR life has been turned upside down. Don’t give him a second thought. He didn’t give you a second thought. Leave him to his mum.

The second you mentioned about the long, rambelling letter my thought was 'next step is-he threatens to harm himself'. You are being played by a narcissist op. Dont let him manipulate you with the bullshit.

DARVO!! Not Bobby DAVRO

I reread his letter last night while feeling terrible about the suicide thing and realised it had a very 'me, me' tone, 'I want...' 'I need' etc. The closest it came to acknowledging my feelings was 'I understand you're angry and it's justifiable', but nothing about my mental health or happiness, my routine being upended, what I might want or need.

This is sadly familiar to me. I left my ex due to his abusive behaviour, and yes, he had depression, but that didn't excuse the abuse. After I left, every text, email, etc, from him was all Me Me Me. All the messages sent to the DC were Me Me Me.

And he made suicide "attempts". Attempts which were laughable and I ignored as they were just manipulative. I never went to him, I just called the police for a welfare check on him. The last "attempt" he made, he sent a photo to our DD, and I will never forgive him for dragging Dd into it.

OP, I would be wary that the suicide stuff is a way of reeling you back in.

Imo he broke your marriage vows therefore you are not responsible for keeping them now either. Sickness and in health - - fuck that..
I hope his dm knows the reasoning for his mh problems right now...

The more analytical part of me is not wholly convinced and think it's either a freakout over loss of control / realising that I don't have to meet him in the middle, or a really nasty kind of emotional blackmail.

I think you're spot on op.

You are clearly a smart cookie as well.ax one of the most decisive, self respecting, clear boundaried posters I've seen on here.

Funny how these guys are never suicidal or needing counselling or distressed while they're getting away with whatever they're doing ... Only when they're caught and there are consequences.

We're racking up more lockdown violations than Dominic Cummings

And you're witty too.

I really wish you meet someone worthy of you op, if and when you want to.

You're the betrayed party, but he's the one having a breakdown, having everyone rally around him, supoorting him, and all "me, me, me" .. says it all really.

You don't have to go to the funeral. Twice divorced -think twice the courage to start over. Get angry not down in the dumps.

Oh, OP, really sorry - what a horrible thing to happen.

I agree completely with your feelings over the 'Sugar Daddy' thing - procuring vulnerable less well of students into prostitution - that;'s exactly what it is. And they do expect sex. Some of my contemporaries, sadly, fell back on just this when they were students and desperate. (Parents who don't pay the maintenance, single parent students etc).

He is so manipulative and self serving. HE just had to get the sex he 'needs', HE has a MH crisis when he can't keep the relationship HE has wrecked.

He could have apologised and then set his energies to seeing how he could, if possible, make it right, but no, he gets all the attention on 'his' crisis.

What a narcissist.

You cannpt be blackmailed into continuing a relationship with him - he would then have you in a form of emotional prostitution.

It is good that his family and friend are caring for him.

I wish you strength OP, all so upsetting.

You’re being so strong. I’m not surprised you’ve got The Ick, he sounds vile.

Or is there an expectation there will be sex but some ‘babies’ are skilled at social manipulation and manage to avoid the grody old man touching?

I've looked into this to quite a degree (I get interested in weird random things) and what I'd say is that the market is like any .. with huge variation.

Some sb's have sex, some are used and manipulated to give a lot with very little of the financial reward they wanted by savvy sd's, some aim to get as much as possible with as little contact as possible or none - and sine do manage that.

They either put it off the table and the guy either accepts that or not .. or they lead him.on with promises and hints but keep holding him off.

Some have to have v little actual contact because the sd's have erectile dysfunction and the meds don't always work well.

The main one I follow on YouTube , because she's funny, is a young black woman in Texas purposefully chooses elderly men and also used the "traditional, old school,. religious line - she is very religious incidentally - won't have sex until I'm married. The guys are usually married themselves so that works well. She has an extreme hour glass figure and they pay just to be in her company and salivate, she's also super bubbly and charming and of course "loves" them deeply, or do she yells them".