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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well, he's cheating on me

130 replies

TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 12:57

Probably not physically due to lockdown, but I have 'smoking gun' screenshots of my husband on dating sites messaging women, looking for 'fun and companionship', even offering to be someone's 'sugar daddy' through uni.

Well this is a bit shit, isn't it. I know it sounds flippant. I think I'm in shock. I thought I had trust issues that I needed to work through, and while I suspected, I didn't know. It turns out my intuition was right.

I now need to accompany him to his grandmother's funeral and be nice in front of the family.

Can't believe he would do this to me. I'm going to generalise and say what the hell is wrong with men. Why do they do this.

I also have no idea what to do myself. I'm half tempted to send the screenshots to his mum and say 'have a word with your son', or maybe messily all over social media. I have no idea what is best for me, though. I thought our relationship was best for both of us. My ex did this too. I can't imagine ever trusting anyone ever again.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/05/2020 13:07

You don't have to go to the funeral, maybe you are unwell.. probably you should stay home

He's a knob though, please tell me you're going to divorce him

HighOnStilts · 28/05/2020 13:13

Out him for being a lying, cheating scumbag! I'd have ripped his face off by now. Thoughts are with you OP and I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much better ❤

Breastfeedingworries · 28/05/2020 13:15

I would wait a week, not today the day of the funeral. Flowers

It is so shit.

MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2020 13:16

Fake an illness, don't go to the funeral.

Given this is a sad time for his family, I wouldn't recommend splashing it all over SM right now.

Firstly, decide what outcome you want. Him to apologise and stop? Do you want to leave him?

Then work towards that goal. If you're going to leave, though, I wouldn't let on that you know before you've had legal advice and got your ducks in a row. Once he's aware you know, he could make things harder.

Original poster
TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 13:16

He is a knob and I am going to divorce him.

I did think about if there's any way I could be okay with this and I can't see one. So I get to be twice divorced by the age of 34 and impoverished to boot. He gets to be some 19 year old's sugar daddy. I didn't think we were in the 'sugar daddy' income bracket.

Thank you for your kind comments. I'm hoping I can keep my cool and my ammunition dry until I have things in order.

It's just the shock of it I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
TirisfalPumpkin · 28/05/2020 13:17

That is a very fair point about not being a massive dick on the day of my grandmother-in-law's funeral. Ironically she was a relationship counsellor. I wish she were still here.

OP posts:
Jashartsx · 28/05/2020 13:17

I’m so sorry OP. I’m so glad you’re leaving him though- too many women don’t! Flowers

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:20

Sorry op Flowers.

I'm half tempted to send the screenshots to his mum and say 'have a word with your son', or maybe messily all over social media. I have no idea what is best for me, though

Very tempting but din s you're married I'd hold off and get your ducks in a row the very best you can (to your advantage of possible) - financially etc. before you let him know you know.

Have you got anything financially you'd like to try to discretely move to someone else reliable so he doesn't get his mitts on it (since starting point would be 50 50 split) and get it back later or debts you'd like to try to get off you and onto him if possible?

Get your free consultation with a family law solicitor if possible, or pay if you can afford it and they're worth it.

Vodkacranberryplease · 28/05/2020 13:20

He clearly has money you don't know about it. Find it and get it. Pig.

Crystalspider · 28/05/2020 13:21

So sorry to hear this, how awful.
You don't need to support him and accompany him to the funeral unless you wanted to go anyway.
And yes I would say his family should know of his cheating ways.

Badassmama · 28/05/2020 13:21

If you have a joint account, empty it right now and call a solicitor.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:23

He gets to be some 19 year old's sugar daddy.

Would you like to have someone only spending time you and having whatever sexual contact they have with you because you're paying them? And sugar babies work hard at skirting sex.

I didn't think we were in the 'sugar daddy' income bracket.

He's probably bullshitting, hoping to get as much as he can before they realise. It would be a sad dance between them - see what you can get while giving the least you can.

Krong · 28/05/2020 13:25

Don't do anything public. There's something very powerful about managing this situation quietly and carefully. You hold all the cards right now OP, keep them. An angry text or social media post will be regretted.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:25

Keep your powder dry, you're Inna stronger position at this time. Use it and don't let him know til you've worked everything you can to your advantage.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/05/2020 13:28

I now need to accompany him to his grandmother's funeral and be nice in front of the family
No you don't OP.
Only go if you want to go for your own reasons.
I'm so sorry you found another wanker!
There are so many around.
But there are good guys out there too (somewhere... I guess, I'm 51 and not found one yet) but don't give up hope.
Do you have any DC together?

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:28

So I get to be twice divorced by the age of 34

Well actually you get to be a 34 year old (which is still young) who respects herself, has integrity and standards.

You'll also meet someone else eventually when you want to.

MotherofTerriers · 28/05/2020 13:29

Make the most of the time when you know and he doesn't know that you know. Gather information on his income, savings etc. Contact a solicitor. Get recommendations from your friends for a good one if possible. Ask what information they need and gather it. Get anything precious together so you can make sure it leaves with you, marriage certificate, children's passports. Make sure you have access to some money. Find out what benefits you would be entitled to. Make sure the screenshots are somewhere safe, set yourself up a new email account and send everything to yourself
When you tell him, act quickly and push hard for a divorce agreement when he is still feeling guilty, which will wear off quickly.
You can do this, you won't be penniless and he won't have the funds to play sugar daddy once he's paid maintenance.
Keeping your cool is very very tough but you'll probably get a better settlement by doing so, don't get mad get even.
I've been there and done it, its not easy but you can get through this

HermanHermit · 28/05/2020 13:29

I’m very sorry. Please don’t go to the funeral - apart from anything it will be incredibly valuable for you to have some time alone in the house to snoop the paperwork before he is aware that something is up, an opportunity that’s in short supply in lockdown.
If you’ve got screenshots, maybe some digging on the sites / other sites for that username would also be helpful. You’ve made your decision, so keep quiet and use the time to your advantage. Xx

Needamanicure · 28/05/2020 13:33

Don't go to the funeral.

Don't put it all over social media - it makes you look a dick as well - be the better person. Confront him. They decide what you want to do be that stay and forgive/leave/.....

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:36

Also it sounds like you don't have kids by him so you're very lucky to have found out before you did.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:36

And by lucky I mean you have excellent instincts and investigation skills.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:38

They decide what you want to do be that stay and forgive/leave/.....

Everytime a married cheater is forgiven, a Mumsnet fairy dies. You realise thst, right?

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 13:39

By all means put it all over SM .. after youve fine everything you can to make sure you exit the marriage at any possible advantage.

anxietrist · 28/05/2020 13:40

even offering to be someone's 'sugar daddy' through uni.

GRIM 🤮

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 28/05/2020 13:40

I’m very sorry OP.

As a PP said, there is no shame in being twice divorced at 34. You can indeed day with conviction you have standards you uphold and won’t waver on them for the sake of keeping hold of a relationship which is to all intents and purposes now gone.