DH and 'I thought'

[chubbyspice]

Is this passive aggressive? 'I thought we were all going to do breakfast together' when I'd only done pancakes for the kids. I pointed out that he could have a pancake if he wanted but he said that there weren't enough, without actually checking how many they were. He comes out with 'I thought' a lot, I just can't think of more examples.

Anyone got a comeback? 'You thought wrong' feels rude and probably won't be appreciated. I always get defensive when I get 'I thought', most likely because it's something DM trots out when she wants her way

Why don't you ask 'what makes you think that?'

Make him explain why he thought it in the first place.

Yep, what @BeingKindIsFree said, or "oh, you didn't say" or "oh, why didn't you say so?" which is a little less confrontational if you wouldn't feel comfortable.

He can't expect you to be a mind reader.

Equally why would you want him to change the way he talks when telling you what he thought is fair enough?

What else do you expect him to say?

He could say how many pancakes have you made? But that sounds accusatory to me.

Were there enough pancakes for him too?

If you want something, tell me. I can't read thoughts.

You make pancakes for the kids but not for yourself and him ? Seems mean.

I think I know what you mean...my mother’s phrase is “did you want to (insert chore / task she wants from you” - once you notice their preferred phrase it becomes noticeable & annoying ! Also nobody else will pick up on this seemingly innocuous phrase & sees no issue. I get it OP !

I agree with answering this as “what made you think that?”

Were there enough pancakes? Why is he trying to start an argument?

I made pancakes for the kids as it's DS's birthday. For birthdays we normally do breakfast in bed/special breakfast for the birthday person. We don't usually sit down as a family and have breakfast together on a week day or for birthdays. I told him that he could have a pancake but he insisted that there wouldn't be enough, without even knowing how many there were. I wasn't going to have any myself. He just became a bit of a martyr about it and this isn't unusual. I don't know what he is thinking and telling me after the fact, which he usually does, is not helpful when I can't do anything about it.
The 'I thought' phrase just gets my goat up and I react to it everytime.

It sounds like maybe you over react slightly to that phrase because your mum uses it in a certain way? Try not to let the wording bother you. Just reply in a calm, factual way "Why did you think so? We don't normally have breakfast together".

'What made you think that?' sounds good as a PP has suggested.
Because... why would he think that?
He needs to explain why he thought that.

It would annoy me if 'I thought' came after the fact. Where was he when you were making the pancakes? If he wanted to do them together why didn't he... Do them together?

My df says this a lot and it irritates me. It’s accusatory. I now reply with, ‘you thought wrong’. Don’t care if it’s rude!

‘That’s strange. Why would you think that?’
‘I didn’t realise you would think that. You should have said something’
‘Do I look like fecking Derren Brown? How am I supposed to know what you’re thinking if you don’t tell me’ (Maybe not)
‘You never really seem to know what’s going on. You spend your life making false assumptions. Why is that, do you think?’ (Maybe not)

He sounds like a child. Reply to 'I thought...' with a mild 'Did you?' and carry on as you were. He can learn to use his words to tell you what he's thought.

It's his way of keeping his options open until the last minute, so that it's always your fault if his last minute, non arranged, choice isn't available.

OR, he just enjoys being a martyr. Probably both?

Telling you afterwards is just playing the martyr, if he really wanted to have breakfast together he should have said before, you're not a mind reader. It's a way of making you feel guilty because you hadn't 'thought' about what he wanted first.
My mother uses the ' You want to do XYZ before next week/before you go on holiday/before xmas' Usually linked to decorating, sorting out, moving stuff etc She thinks it is a subtle way of telling me what to do without telling me directly and making me think it is my idea. Then if I haven't done XYZ , it changes to ' I thought you said you wanted to do XYZ before...etc.

I'm with you 100% op, this was one of ex dps tactics and it's hugely passive aggressive.

Like you, I can't articulate exactly why it pissed me off. It's like he's telling you are selfish for not thinking of him, and also hinting that what he thinks is the most important and should have happened. I used to feel almost embarrassed when he said it, like I had been caught doing something wrong.

I fixed the problem by leaving him and life is much better.

'Oh' is all the reply that needs don't engage or reward the behaviour - martyrdom - just say 'oh'. If it's just a phrase he'll wander off happy if it's to elicit a reaction he will have to repeat in which case he gets another 'oh'. Make it non committal, not passive aggressive just an acknowledgement he has spoken. Then he will have to change his behaviour to get a response. Oh is the most powerful word in communication it means s the other person eventually has to elaborate.

If he was that bothered why didn't he make them? Or does he assume organising and carrying out birthday activities is your sole responsibility? I'm assuming you take on all/majority of the mental load and he just sits there as the back seat driver criticising and that's what's annoying you? It would annoy me too

I'd also go with the mild 'did you' or if you have already told him how things were going to go 'did you, I said last night that I was making pancakes for the kids'. I wouldn't get involved in getting him to explain why he thought something. If you ignore his thoughts, he may eventually figure out that you are not a mind-reader and he needs to express himself more clearly.

You make pancakes for the kids but not for yourself and him ? Seems mean. - missing the point ( as did @stellabella) but I always 'think' pancakes are a) for kids, or b) for Lent or other lean times.

I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge.

'I thought...'

'I'm not a mind reader'
'How do I know what your thinking?'
'If you thought it, how would I know?'

Why are pancakes nutritionless? I make mine with half wholemeal flour, eggs and milk. Great basic to then add savoury fillings or lemon and sugar as a treat. Far better for you if you make them yourself than most processed cakes/biscuits.

There were pancakes, pancakes were offered and refused why is that your fault