DH and 'I thought'

[chubbyspice]

Is this passive aggressive? 'I thought we were all going to do breakfast together' when I'd only done pancakes for the kids. I pointed out that he could have a pancake if he wanted but he said that there weren't enough, without actually checking how many they were. He comes out with 'I thought' a lot, I just can't think of more examples.

Anyone got a comeback? 'You thought wrong' feels rude and probably won't be appreciated. I always get defensive when I get 'I thought', most likely because it's something DM trots out when she wants her way

PS: Nothing to stop him making a pancake later.

I agree with your husband on this one. It's a birthday breakfast and a special food. Why wouldn't he want to be included in part of his child's celebration?

I agree with this. Why was breakfast only for the kids, as you state: "when I'd only done pancakes for the kids"? Seems very odd to do a special breakfast but exclude DH, and then for you to complain that he might feel left out. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to say "I thought" you were all going to have a celebratory birthday breakfast together.

My husband was disappointed with a recent food shop because and I quote, "I thought you'd buy beef burgers for me to bbq?" I told him to ask if he wanted specific things adding to the shop because I'm not a mind reader. I bought him 2 packs of burgers and rolls the following week. Did he bbq them? No, and the rolls became mouldy. I hate food wastage so this really made me mad!

I would have made pancakes for everyone. Why would you only do it for the kids? Very strange. Like he wasn't worth the effort? I would have picked up a (tiny) fight too to be honest.

My gran used to say
'You know what thought did? Followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding'

I have no idea what it means but it's a great retort!
I like that phrase! I THINK it means use your eyes and the good sense God have you!! 😁

Always use 'I thought' in your reply to him?

'I thought we were having breakfast together'
'I thought you would be cooking it'
'I thought you would mention it if you wanted that'

The challenge of using it (not too angrily - perhaps with humour) might deflect the irritation ?

This is about the thirtieth thread this month I've seen which leaves me completely gobsmacked at the (I suspect in some cases deliberately) poor levels of reading comprehension Mumsnet users seem to exhibit these days. This thread is not about whether OP was or was not unreasonable to make pancakes, whether at all, or for her husband. That much is perfectly clear from the thread title, and the OP, and then even clearer from her subsequent posts.

OP, this would drive me mad and I would do exactly as suggested here and treat this statement for exactly what it is: an uninteresting, inconsequential verbal ejaculation which requires no response from you except vague acknowledgement. I'd go for a breezy "really?" myself and then completely change the subject. If he wants to actually ask a question, make a request, or confront you about some perceived slight, he is welcome to do that, and then you can respond accordingly.

An example of a typical conversation here:

Me: what time do you want to eat tonight?
DH: what time to you want to eat?
Me: I asked you first because I don't mind what time we eat
DH: Well what time would you like to eat?
And so on, ad infinitum

Or:
Me: no-one has fed the cat
DH: you didn't ask me to
Me: Why do I need to ask you?

Ditto - putting the bins out, making the bed, washing up, whatever.

He's lovely really. Infuriating, but lovely.

"I thought" is a trigger for you because it's quite clearly saying that you should have had the same thought and there's an underlying message that you were silly/shortsighted/unkind/whatever not to have done so.

Sadly, I know this because it's actually something i've had to work really hard on myself (and which my d sis SHOULD work on, but doesn't). I'll have all kinds of ideas and plans in my head but have a bad habit of not telling DH. So when he just gets on with things, I'll say something seemingly innocent but we both know that I'm annoyed.

The good news is that the more DH has pointed out the ridiculousness of this behaviour, the more I have learnt and I can honestly say I almost never do it anymore. Now, in a situation like this, I'd say, "seeing as the kids are having pancakes in the kitchen, let's all have some/can you make enough for all of us? Id' love some." or whatever.

Actually, this has been good for me. I'd sort of forgotten about this bad habit o mine because I do it so seldom. It's good to be reminded that I can change for the better!

' I thought you said you wanted to do XYZ before...etc To which my reply would be "no, you wanted me to do XYZ".

I don't think I've heard any of this fantastic phrases before! That there are so many established "old wives'" responses in circulation suggests that the "I thought..." thing is, and long has been a common and classic irritating behaviour. (Evidently not one I've ever engaged in )

@Happynow001
Was your gran a Geordie? My Mum used to say that too.

Little Prince syndrome? You should be anticipating his wordless thoughts and desires....?

@sueelleker
No - my VERY forthright mother! Now I'm the one being forthright as she's mellowed over the years! 😁

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I would have made pancakes for everyone. Why would you only do it for the kids? Very strange. Like he wasn't worth the effort? I would have picked up a (tiny) fight too to be honest.

How about you read the thread, and especially the OP's posts that actually address that point?

@chubbyspice

I didn't have pancakes. Only the two kids had pancakes. This all started when I got breakfast in bed for my birthday so the kids followed suit and decided that they wanted breakfast in bed for their birthdays. So it is only ever really the birthday person who gets it the special breakfast. As DS wanted pancakes and was already up and also sleeps in a bunk bed I did breakfast at the kitchen table and his sister got some as well. DH thinking that we were all going to sit down and do breakfast together wasn't based on anything I said/did. And it's not about this, it's more the use of 'I thought' which grinds my gears. And then the martyr attitude when he was offered pancakes. Anyway, water under the bridge. It's just that 'I thought' is such a trigger for me. Might ban it's use......

My response would be "oh sorry, I didn't know you'd made plans, were you going to make something?" and see what he says. Odds are he planned nothing of course, he's just annoyed that your plans were not the same as his (secret) desires.

Because YANBU that it's annoying as hell. PA nonsense from someone too lazy to make the plans, just wants to control them or have opinions without doing anything.

@BlingLoving

Well done for changing. I really liked the way you explained, how we can just say what we actually want, instead of always being disapointed becaus either life does not fit our dream, or because we are really bad communicators...

I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge

I made DS pancakes this morning: blitzed oats, full fat natural yoghurt and an egg, topped with a banana, defrosted berries and more yoghurt.

I was well pleased with myself for getting him to hit all the food groups rather than shovel down his usual half a ton of cereal.

PA nonsense from someone too lazy to make the plans, just wants to control them or have opinions without doing anything

Well spotted banivani.

A natural response from OP would have been "Whats your problem DH (DickHead), why don't you fucking make the pancakes". Obviously not very appropriate though.

But I agree, its a (hidden) form of carping and criticism. Very unnattractive.

and undermining. You did a nice thing for your DC's birthday OP, he just came along and squirted some sour vinegar over it.

DH "I thought...."
OP "Did you?" completely dead-pan, passive, non-responsive.

He's trying to get you to rise to the bait, ignore, ignore, ignore.

gawd he sounds like a tedious whiner!

@Pieceofpurplesky beat me to the best retort....I love it , but since no one dares to whine "but I thought....." to me anymore I rarely get to use it!

He's definitely being PA using that statement....maybe you should reflect it back "well I thought I'd be living in the lap of luxury with my diamond shoes being too tight and a wallet too small for my £50s but there you go"

or actually the full June Whitfield

"Did you, Dear. That's nice" >>walk away/talk to kids etc

Oh, and you have to interrupt as soon as the "I thought" has been said.

I would put 'I thought' (used in this way) in the same category as my mum saying 'you ought to... '. I never did learn how to resist the snap back but 'did you? ' sounds good advice on here.

I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge

What a miserable old soul. Take it you’ve never made a pancake bar! Oh the joy!! Standard birthday breakfast here!

Caramel apple with cinnamon ice cream - holy shit! 😍😍😍