DH and 'I thought'

[chubbyspice]

Is this passive aggressive? 'I thought we were all going to do breakfast together' when I'd only done pancakes for the kids. I pointed out that he could have a pancake if he wanted but he said that there weren't enough, without actually checking how many they were. He comes out with 'I thought' a lot, I just can't think of more examples.

Anyone got a comeback? 'You thought wrong' feels rude and probably won't be appreciated. I always get defensive when I get 'I thought', most likely because it's something DM trots out when she wants her way

That’s so annoying. Playing the victim is a power game. Hate it.

I get why it's annoying op. Hes basically saying 'I wanted to do this thing this way, and you should have known that, rather than doing it your way, which is inconsiderate of my feelings and not what I wanted.' What he actually should be doing is telling you his thoughts when he has them, not after it's too late.

Ha my DP loves this one. Usually preceded by an infuriating fake surprised "oh!". Oh, I thought Ds was ready to go.... oh, I thought you'd have tidied up already....

When I'm feeling calm he gets a serene "oh really what made you think that?" But will opt for I'm not a mind reader suggested upthread from now on!

Definitely passive aggressive, poor me behaviour.

I'd be tempted with a very mild, "never mind, dear" while distracted by something else and acting completely unfazed.

Why do you NEED a come back for a partner? What type of relationship do you have/want if you feel you need a comeback or a put down!

Ask him what he meant not a bunch of strangers who will interpret lots of different ways.....

"If he thought you were going to do breakfast together," he should have been in the kitchen when it was all happening...

"I thought..."

"Then you need to turn those thoughts into actual words if you want me to know about them."

Repeat every single time.

When he says it, stop what you're doing and look as though you're concentrating on something. Ask him if he knows what you're thinking right now. When he says no, say 'Exactly! I can't read your mind either"

I'd respond with a quizzical, 'oh, well that's odd.' Then he either has to explain why he thought it ... which he won't do because he didn't really 'think' it. He just wants to put you on the back foot.

"I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge."

What is it about the mere mention of food on MN that makes people fall over themselves to announce how unhealthy it is and how virtuous they are for not eating it? Who the fuck cares?

I'd be pretty offended if my husband woke up, made pancakes for my child's birthday and didn't give me the option to join.

What, even when you don't normally have birthday breakfasts together as a family? As OP has said is the case in their family.

I think a pps reply of a mild "Did you?" probably covers this. Then start chatting with the kids, wander off, look out the window etc etc. In other words, don't engage and don't give him the oxygen for this irritating fuckery.

Twat.

I can see why this is irritating.

I would say, like you really mean it, 'oh i wish you'd said ' then carry on cheerfully with whatever you were doing.

@Sonichu

"I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge."

What is it about the mere mention of food on MN that makes people fall over themselves to announce how unhealthy it is and how virtuous they are for not eating it? Who the fuck cares?

A much better birthday treat for children would be a nettle salad dressed with freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Anyone who doesn't finish it can whack themselves with nettles instead.

I would ask him if he has a problem communicating his thoughts to you as you had no idea.
It is a passive way to blame you. Put the blame back on him as it’s wrong.

He is trying to make you feel guilty because if there had genuinely been an agreement between you that x would occur, it would be horrible of you to have blatantly excluded him.
I would say be is either struggling to assert his wishes and needs in the relationship or he is caught up in a cycle of subconsciously blaming you for things that are wrong in his life.

I'm loving all these old-fashioned sayings! Wonder where they came from?

"Oh that might have been nice, you should have said/why didn't you say?" Accompanied by disappointed face.

Yip my DP has a few of these classic passive aggressive openers.

'Sorry, I don't quite understand' when clearly he does.

'Are you making that?' when I clearly am.

'I don't think we should be doing that' meaning I don't think you should be doing that.

'Have we got sunscreen?' meaning did you bring sunscreen

Etc etc etc into infinity. I laugh in the face of all of them. I owe no other adult on this planet any justification of my ordinary domestic actions.

If he had genuinely thought that you were all having breakfast together, wouldn't he have been up & ready when he heard others up & about?

If he wanted to all have breakfast together for a change then he should have suggested it the night before!

Just ask him to stop saying it, you don't need a comeback or to train him like a dog. He's an adult and one you chose to live with just tell him it winds you as it comes across passive aggressive and ask him why he says it. Maybe he thinks you were selfish or was hurt you did not think to include him/offer him some.

How about:
'I thought we were having breakfast together/whatever thing it is he's making a point about'

'We are, sit down/appropriate affirmative'

Then he has to specifically say exactly why he won't join breakfast/what he's being passive aggressive about

@Supersimkin2

A bit sad you've blown birthday breakfast with the family. Why didn't you wait 5 min?

That doesn't even make sense in light of the OP's replies.

This reminds me of my Dad's stock phrase:

'Well, you know what thought did.'

We kids must have said 'I thought ' a lot.

I would be pretty miffed if this happened in my house, but we always eat together if everyone is home, so it would definitely be inconsiderate of one partner to cook pancakes and not have made them for everyone. Sounds like your family don't do things that way... in which case your DH needs to stop being silly. He could have just had the pancake that you offered. It must be frustrating to live with a martyr