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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and 'I thought'

155 replies

chubbyspice · 28/05/2020 11:51

Is this passive aggressive? 'I thought we were all going to do breakfast together' when I'd only done pancakes for the kids. I pointed out that he could have a pancake if he wanted but he said that there weren't enough, without actually checking how many they were. He comes out with 'I thought' a lot, I just can't think of more examples.

Anyone got a comeback? 'You thought wrong' feels rude and probably won't be appreciated. I always get defensive when I get 'I thought', most likely because it's something DM trots out when she wants her way

OP posts:
MandalaYogaTapestry · 28/05/2020 15:52

Mophead my point is that if the OP were more considerate in the first place, none of this "I thought" would have happened. Who only makes a treat for the kids? That's the core of the situation, not the DH's wording

MintyMabel · 28/05/2020 15:57

When you say you don’t sit down as a family, you mean you sit down with the kids but without him don’t you?

Sounds like he feels excluded.

We’re not sit as a family for breakfast people either, but if DD is having pancakes for a birthday breakfast we do that all together. Why wouldn’t you?

Deathraystare · 28/05/2020 15:59

My mum's favourite saying was "I felt sure that....XYZ" or "I made sure" well you might have matey but not discussed it with the rest of us!

lilmishap · 28/05/2020 16:01

"You thought but didn't think to say? well I think you've learnt a valuable lesson today haven't you"
Pat on the head/hair ruffle optional

chocatoo · 28/05/2020 16:01

He's trying to point out to you that you were a little thoughtless not to include him in your plan.

diddl · 28/05/2020 16:05

@chocatoo

He's trying to point out to you that you were a little thoughtless not to include him in your plan.
But why would he think that if it doesn't usually happen?

So what he's jealous of the other kid who happened to be up & also got pancakes?

If he wanted it to happened he could have organised it!

Dyrne · 28/05/2020 16:07

Then the DH should use his big boy words and say something like “it would be nice if we could start having breakfast together as a family sometimes, shall we do birthday breakfast pancakes tomorrow?”

Not just say fuck all and then get all passive aggressive when the OP proceeds as normal and then he decides he wants to do something different.

ButteryPuffin · 28/05/2020 16:10

Yes, just 'Oh, did you?' Politely, with no side. Bat it back with a straight bat every time.

ZingyLime · 28/05/2020 16:11

Less thinking, mate, more acting.
If you wanted a sit down family breakfast should've got up got organised and had it.

BeingKindIsFree · 28/05/2020 16:29

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Mophead my point is that if the OP were more considerate in the first place, none of this "I thought" would have happened. Who only makes a treat for the kids? That's the core of the situation, not the DH's wording
Have you even bothered to read the OPs responses? She very clearly stated that the BIRTHDAY person gets a special breakfast in bed. As has become a tradition in their house. As the DCs have bunk beds, so clearly sharing a room, the non birthday child had pancakes too.

The OP also asked her martyr if he wanted a pancake, to which he said there wasn't enough even though there was. He didn't bother to find out. He just wanted to be a martyr.

But you could read that for yourself. You just want to deliberately misunderstand for some weird reason.

Candyflosscookie · 28/05/2020 16:39

Nutritionless stodge' on a birthday pancake thread is the peakest of peak mumsnet with a pointy peak on top.

Grin I'm not sure which is worse - the OPs martyrish husband or the self righteous twonk who dissed pancakes on this thread. 😂

Leflic · 28/05/2020 16:50

I usually say “why?”

DH either explains why he thought it would happen ( if it was some old conversation that hinted at it, for example) or he’d admit that he just fancied some.

Roryrunner · 28/05/2020 16:59

Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge.
Whaaaaaaaaat? Have a Biscuit instead. Grin

Spillinteas · 28/05/2020 17:02

The turn of phrase can set your teeth on edge when it’s over used. If he chooses to keep his thoughts in his head - op can’t be blamed for not being able to see in to his mind.

I have one that over uses ‘I didn’t mean to’

Somewhereinthesky · 28/05/2020 17:54

Pancake is so versatile, it can be as indulgent or as nutritious as you like. If anyone thinks the pancakes are boring and without goodness, they don't know what they are talking about. Grin

MandalaYogaTapestry · 28/05/2020 18:15

BeingKind what I don't understand is how in one family the birthday person gets breakfast in bed and all other members don't get to have the same thing at the table. Just why? DH clearly wanted the pancake and was bothered enough by the OP's behaviour, surely that matters? And if the pancakes were made only for the kids - as the OP said herself, so not even just for one birthday person - then clearly there wouldn't be enough for him so he didn't want to take the children's food. And instead of saying: Oh, sorry, did you want pancakes too? I'll make some for us - the OP chose to get defensive and dish her DH on Mumsnet.

I care about my husband more than that. Mind, I woudnt be in this situation in the first place because ib our family we share food.

SunshineCake · 28/05/2020 18:22

@Pieceofpurplesky

My gran used to say 'You know what thought did? Followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding'

I have no idea what it means but it's a great retort!

Followed a dustbin wagon and thought it was a wedding means your thought was wrong..
Dyrne · 28/05/2020 18:28

@MandalaYogaTapestry but by the same token; if this is a tradition that the DH knows about and has never participated in before, then how is the OP supposed to know this is the ONE time he’d like to join in? And if he knows about it, he obviously could have asked or suggested the plans for breakfast. Why is the onus on OP to get up, get the two children up, cook breakfast, and only then does he wander in scratching his balls making passive aggressive comments about wanting to be included - I doubt his penis is so big that it slowed him down getting to the kitchen earlier, nor is it so big that it prevented him from reaching the hob to cook his own fucking pancakes if he decided he wanted some. And all that is overlooking the fact that he didn’t even bother to check whether OP had even made enough for him before throwing his toys out the pram.

copycopypaste · 28/05/2020 19:05

Answer a question with a question.

I thought we were all eating together?
When did we agree this?

I thought we were all eating together
Did You?

thought we were all eating together
are you sure?

MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2020 20:18

@MandalaYogaTapestry

Mophead my point is that if the OP were more considerate in the first place, none of this "I thought" would have happened. Who only makes a treat for the kids? That's the core of the situation, not the DH's wording
I suggest you read the OP's posts properly.

The wording is indeed the core here.

OP made pancakes, and there were enough that he could have had one, at least, but no, he stropped off instead.

And why is it up to the OP to be considerate and a mind reader? Pancakes for the birthday person isn't a new thing in their house, so there was nothing stopping the DH from asking the night before if some could be made for him.

In fact, in these days of lockdown, why wasn't he the one making pancakes?

Vodkacranberryplease · 28/05/2020 20:24

Haha haha I always say there's none so judgemental as a hippie. And lo, @MandalaYogaTapestry I am correct!

Do try not to be smug and horrible. Or you'll have to give up the user name and choose one like I'mnotatranscendentbeingafterall.

This why I don't do yoga classes even though I love it. It's stuffed with people like you all busy being better than anyone else Grin

CharmerLlama · 28/05/2020 20:42

DP's other one is 'Somebody left the oven on', somebody didn't put the padlock back on the gate' etc etc. Drives me mad, because, assuming he hasn't completely forgotten what he did or didn't do 5 minutes ago, the only other person it could have been is ME

My husband says this ALL the time! I tell him it was either him or the gremlins because it sure as hell wasn't me.

Thighdentitycrisis · 28/05/2020 20:43

I try and say
"is that something you'd like to talk about ?" when my dp says shit like that.

sorry haven't read the thread

RightOnTheEdge · 28/05/2020 21:04

Autumnsloth omg that sounds infuriating!

sosomagic · 28/05/2020 21:54

Vodka : made me laugh.

I'm always puzzled how an OP can post a reasonable post on MN Relationships about a problem they are having. Some tiny detail can be picked up by another poster and then there is a sudden frenzy of attack on the OP via a secondary, minor or even non-issue. The posters are nearly always furiously self-righteous, and full of their superior morality or logic. It can be simply bizarre. But other times, when the OP is feeling very vulnerable, it can be quite disgusting. Its happening over on another thread where a woman is upset her DP is favouring one child over another. In fact I'm going to double-post now on there.

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