DH and 'I thought'

[chubbyspice]

Is this passive aggressive? 'I thought we were all going to do breakfast together' when I'd only done pancakes for the kids. I pointed out that he could have a pancake if he wanted but he said that there weren't enough, without actually checking how many they were. He comes out with 'I thought' a lot, I just can't think of more examples.

Anyone got a comeback? 'You thought wrong' feels rude and probably won't be appreciated. I always get defensive when I get 'I thought', most likely because it's something DM trots out when she wants her way

My gran used to say
'You know what thought did? Followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding'

I have no idea what it means but it's a great retort!

If it was a special birthday breakfast I'd "have thought" I'd be included too! I wouldn't have expected to have needed to ask to be so as the other parent!

Pancakes aren't nutritionless
You don't even need flour, you can just use banana, egg, a handful of oats, milk and some vanilla essence. Topped with crispy bacon and a drizzle of syrup.. Mmmmm

Sorry OP ... back to your passive aggressive DH!
My mum is very passive aggressive and there are a couple phrases that really grind my gears - "I didn't realise you were XYZ" about something she already knew about but would like to comment on haha

My DH always says "Oh what happened here" if I have been rummaging through a drawer and left a few bits out. Or spilt something on the side and not cleaned it up yet (because I know I'll be cleaning/tidying in 5 mins time anyway when I'm finished eating or whatever)
What I've started doing is asking "What do you think happened?" Because it's usually bloody obvious and he ends up without much to say.

I can see why it gets on your nerves especially if you're a direct person like me and you'd rather he just said "I wanted pancakes and I'm annoyed you didn't make me some" lol

Perhaps talk to him about communicating differently so there isn't any confusion

"Shows what thought did for you."
Don't go by me but "I thought" bucks my goat too.

If making pancakes for breakfast was something you wouldn't do normally, you could have asked if he wanted any. Bit mean not to.

@Friendsofmine

Equally why would you want him to change the way he talks when telling you what he thought is fair enough?

What else do you expect him to say?

He could say how many pancakes have you made? But that sounds accusatory to me.

All he had to do was ask if there were enough pancakes for him, I'm sure in that case OP would have made sure there were enough.

Use of "I" phrases is usually a recommendation in managing/avoiding conflict though.

So when DH is saying "I thought we were all going to have breakfast together" he's saying it instead of "Why have you made breakfast without me?!". What phrase would you like him to use instead?

Just don't engage with it
Is this part of a pattern of passive aggressive behaviour?

@InfiniteSheldon

'Oh' is all the reply that needs don't engage or reward the behaviour - martyrdom - just say 'oh'. If it's just a phrase he'll wander off happy if it's to elicit a reaction he will have to repeat in which case he gets another 'oh'. Make it non committal, not passive aggressive just an acknowledgement he has spoken. Then he will have to change his behaviour to get a response. Oh is the most powerful word in communication it means s the other person eventually has to elaborate.

I agree with this one million percent. Cut it stone dead by not reacting in the slightest. De-escalation.

I am also pleased to announce this is the first time I’ve used the “quote” facility.

@redskyAtnight he should say "yes please I will have a pancake" then joined for breakfast together. Or later that day "I think it would be nice to have breakfast together sometimes, shall we try it tomorrow?"

We don't usually sit down as a family and have breakfast together on a week day or for birthdays.

For those saying OP was being mean and could have made pancakes for DH. They don't usually have breakfast together for birthdays, so he did need to ask.

I do like the previoous suggestion of responding with "oh".

I like ‘what made you think that?’but what I would probably say is ‘oh you must have thought that at your other mind reading wife, just me here sorry.’

It is a bit PA, yes.

You could counter it with "did you? Maybe you should have thought out loud and then I would have known about it"
Or "that's nice, I didn't realise"
Or "well you could have asked instead of just thinking"

My DH has a PA habit of looking slightly squinty eyed and saying "I'm confused" whenever he is actually trying to say "you're wrong" - but I've told him I know what he's doing so he's stopped now. But GOD it used to annoy me! (especially because I wasn't usually wrong anyway! )

I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge.

eggs, milk, flour, and served with bananas.

really actually pretty healthy, unless you are on mn and it is only healthy if made from lentils and butternut squash.

"I'm not a mindreader, you need to say"

I like the 'oh what made you think that?' Suggested previously. Said with (faux) concern and followed with 'tell me what you're thinking' and a pause while he gets your full attention. Then he has to explain himself properly like a grown up and if what he means is 'you told me x' you can rebut it. Ask questions and keep asking till he stfu. He obviously gets shit in his mind and us would be useful to find out how.

But what a fucking baby. Seriously.

A bit sad you've blown birthday breakfast with the family. Why didn't you wait 5 min?

I thought...

“Well think again.”

I would laugh and say - shame you didn't say something then, I'm not a mind reader.

There is a pancake here if you want one.

then turn back to kids and carry on.

This is pretty passive aggressive, but it is also a classic lack of understanding of people and relationships.
Counter it, by telling him repeatedly that you can't mind read and he needs to speak up.

As you had gone to the trouble of making them, OP, why on earth didn't you have one yourself? I would have!

Is it because he thought as it was a special occasion you might have waited for him, or asked him to join?

I'd be pretty offended if my husband woke up, made pancakes for my child's birthday and didn't give me the option to join.

It's his way of telling you that you left him out. You're feeling defensive which is why you're pisses off.

As for 'oh and what happened here' I would blow a gasket here and go full on John Cleese 'what do you think happened? We had an alien invasion but I've managed to get them out the window now but don't worry I'm sure the fucking magic pixies will make it all better!' That is a seriously annoying and patronising statement. You need to shut it down for good.

A simple 'if you say that to me once more we will never have sex again. Ever.' Should do it.

I would have said "well you thought wrong then"! Drives me nuts when people don't actually say what they mean.

My mum used to say 'well you know what thought did, don't you?' After a while, it turns out 'thought his leg had fell out of bed so he got up to have a look'. By the time you've registered that you aren't concerned about what it was you thought in the first place.

I wouldn't eat them. Nasty, nutritionless, white starch stodge

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?
Why on earth would OP (or anyone reading this thread, to be quite honest) care at all about whether you like pancakes?