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Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 28/05/2020 07:55

I have pointed out that he has good relationships, really good relationships with other teenage boys

You keep going on about this but it is completely irrelevant. It is how he treats YOUR son that is the issue.

It HAS become much more obvious since we married.

Because he's more secure now so can treat your son worse as you have more invested as you are married.

If you make no changes, give it a year or so and he'll start making noises about when your son plans to move out. Guaranteed.

Pikachubaby · 28/05/2020 07:58

Ah those lovely middle aged men who get on so well with pretty teenage girls, bless them

I remember these kind of men well....Angry

Open your eyes OP

Bestbe · 28/05/2020 07:58

He sounds awful. Sorry. But there is something very odd about this. He shouldn’t do it. Surely as an adult he should show more sense. It’s also worrying that he is slightly obsessed with your 17yo daughter.
Sorry to protect my son I would consider the relationship very carefully.

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2020 08:01

He seems like a knob. You need to prioritise your son by not making him live with this man. So many red flags here

Nomorepies · 28/05/2020 08:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

MaeDanvers · 28/05/2020 08:07

You know what OP? There are some of us out here who would dearly have liked to live with and share lives with men who we loved. Except that for whatever reason were not able to be a healthy positive influence on our kids so we took the hard decision to go it alone and put our kids well-being first.

Pisses me off no end to spend years with a much harder life for being solo and parenting that way yet you reap the benefits of a partnership because you’re too selfish to put your child first. Then you expect a handhold.

Homescar · 28/05/2020 08:08

WHY he is so consistently unpleasant to your son is completely irrelevant. You need to ensure it stops happening, by whatever means possible. And if you’ve spoken to him about it on a number of occasions to no avail, you need to consider ending the marriage. Imagine being forced to live with someone who is aggressively nasty to you on a regular basis, with no power to remove yourself.

needhandhold · 28/05/2020 08:15

People are human and make mistakes. The telling thing is that you’ve called him out on it and his reaction to that. Why didn’t he go apologise to your son for the remark? Then it would be done and dusted. He’s then doing the thing called DARVO google it. Defend, accuse, reverse, victim, offender. He’s DEFENDED his action. ACCUSED you of over reacting. REVERSED the situation so that now he is the victim and you are the offender. If he’s in the habit of doing this then it’s an incredibly toxic and difficult behaviour to fix. What would a normal interaction go like? You say to him “hey OH what’s up with the wetsuit tantrum?” He then says “oh I didn’t mean anything by it” you then say “well I’m upset by it and so is my son and I think you should apologise to him” he says “ok” then goes and does it. Have you asked him to apologise?

EarlGreyT · 28/05/2020 08:15

Did he have a golden child/scapegoat dynamic with his other kids too, perhaps a clue as to why one talks to him and one doesn't?

I wondered this. I have a feeling there is more to this than the OP is telling us/knows. It’s another red flag. I don’t buy he lost contact with his own daughter (now 19) during his very acrimonious divorce. She hasn't seen him in years, to his sorrow. this explanation is all there is to it for a second.

OtterBe4 · 28/05/2020 08:30

I literally don't know what to do other than issue an ultimatum
It’s be a bloody start!
Ffs woman stop being such a drip, you’ve had dozens of replies all telling you to stand up for your son and you’re still dithering and defending this prick you’ve landed your son with.

StCharlotte · 28/05/2020 08:30

He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

So how does he defend his different treatment of them over exactly the same issue?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2020 08:32

What you've tried to date OP has not worked, now you're resorting to not talking to him and sleeping in separate beds. As if that would make a hill of beans difference to your H's attitude here; this is deeply ingrained in him. You likely do not want to admit to your own self that you chose your H poorly.

I also wonder if there was a golden child/scapegoat dynamic in his previous marriage?. There probably was and its one he is certainly repeating with your kids now. Both of them are and will be affected by your actions and overall lack of decisiveness. I too do not buy the losing contact with his DD due to acrimonious divorce; my guess is that his behaviour in the divorce made it acrimonious in nature.

I wonder if the OP herself will return.

riolou · 28/05/2020 08:39

Think she might of realised over 300 people have said the same to her so she won't comment back and most possibly trying to get this removed because only a horrible person would let there child go through this.

00Sassy · 28/05/2020 08:40

Perhaps he’s trying to make sure your son ‘knows his place’ and accepts that he’s not the ‘man of the house’ now (ugh Hmm)

Or perhaps he sees something of your ex in your son and feels threatened by that (ugh Hmm)

Or maybe he’s comparing his relationship with his own son to the one he has with yours and feels like he can’t show any favour towards your son so is actively being horrible to him (ugh Hmm)

Maybe he feels threatened by the relationship that your son still has with his own father, despite him still having a relationship with his own ds. But then, his ds isn’t your ex’s ds is he? (Ugh Hmm)

Whatever it is, even if it’s none of the above, it’s his problem but he’s taking it out on your ds.

He’s proved he’s capable of treating children kindly and fairly elsewhere but your ds is being punished for something.

He’s messed up this time as the disparity is so obvious.
Your DD wore her wetsuit to the beach on a hot day, no problem.
Your DS wore his wetsuit to the beach on a hot day, huge problem.

Why?!

I’d be furious too OP, absolutely livid.

He’s at the very least an emotionally stunted twat imho Angry

Pugsrus · 28/05/2020 08:43

That’s awful ,your poor son .dreadful dreadful man

connellwaldron · 28/05/2020 08:44

Sounds like people answering this one are getting a bit OTT to me. It sounds like it's pretty crappy and unimpressive behaviour by your DH but jumping to conclusion of abuse is a bit much. Your DH needs to recognise his behaviour though and address it before permanent damage done to relationships. Also, your son sounds absolutely lovely.

Pugsrus · 28/05/2020 08:46

I’d be taking a long hard look at the relationship between him and your daughter.

00Sassy · 28/05/2020 08:46

Fuck it, since you’re probably not coming back and are probably trying to get this deleted I’ll also say what I was going to leave out as it’s been pointed out by SO many others and you’ve been completely dismissive.

In case you come back, or in case anyone reading is experiencing a similar situation.
Do not rule out potential sexual interest/abuse.
Also worth noting that the predator isn’t always nice to their prey. They’re often deliberately horrible to them in an attempt to throw others off the scent.

Just saying

EarlGreyT · 28/05/2020 08:47

@StCharlotte
I asked exactly that and the OP has chosen to ignore the question.

She seems very keen to tell everyone what a great man he is and how he has great relationships with every other teenage boy apart from her son. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that his relationship with her son is the one she should do something about as she’s too busy defending everything else about him.

Dery · 28/05/2020 08:47

Please pay attention to @bumbleb33s’ heart-breaking story. (Bumbleb - I also hope you are in a much better place now). We have also just suffered a somewhat unexpected close family bereavement - we had a very happy relationship with that person and we were in regular contact, but I am still fretting about things not done in the last day or so which I would of course have done if I’d known what was round the corner.

The fact that your H is lovely to all the other children in his life makes this WORSE not better. You are trying to avoid an ultimatum but why? When you look back on this in future years, do you want to be the DM who stood by her son or the M who prioritised his SD? I know which I would want to be.

And supposing, God forbid, something truly awful happened to your son that took him away from you - not necessarily death but drug or alcohol addiction or some other kind of self-destructive escapist act. How would you feel then?

You need to be thinking about this situation in precisely such alarmist terms because this is actually a really alarming situation.

Zhuleva · 28/05/2020 08:50

He's gaslighting you by saying you overreacted. I feel sorry for your son, who probably feels very lonely in all of this, especially at that age. Your husband needs to sort himself out immediately. It's very clear who is the child here.

Slothfull · 28/05/2020 08:52

So you’ve spoken to him about it before, he’s still treating your son badly so what are you going to do about it?

My guess - nothing.

He isn’t a nice man. Fgs think of your son.

Itwasntme1 · 28/05/2020 08:53

OP the answer to this is obvious. You leave him. You do not allow a man to live in your home who is unpleasant to your son.

You don’t need to understand why he is so mean. All that matters is that he is mean.

I can’t fathom any mother who would allow this. And be clear - you are allowing this man to be cruel to your child. Huffing, sleeping in separate rooms, arguing about it isn’t stopping it.

The obvious answer is leave him. But you clearly don’t want to do that. You want to stay and hope it gets better and doesn’t damage your relationship out your son.

It won’t get better, it will damage your child and it will impact your relationship with him. Because you didn’t protect him. You chose this horrible man over your son.

EarlGreyT · 28/05/2020 08:53

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I too do not buy the losing contact with his DD due to acrimonious divorce; my guess is that his behaviour in the divorce made it acrimonious in nature.

Mine too.

The explanation by the OP of this makes fuck all sense. His son is 17 and his daughter 19, given that they would have been 11 and 13 at the oldest when he got divorced it makes no sense that it was only because of the divorce he lost contact with his daughter as if that’s the explanation he’d have lost contact with both of them. His daughter has clearly chosen not to be in contact with him and I suspect she has good reason for this.

LycraLovingLass · 28/05/2020 08:56

The main attraction that my mum held for my stepdad was her 4 young daughters. We still bear the affects to this day.

Maybe I am bais but I would be extremely worried about their 'special bond.