My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

If he won't admit he's treating your ds poorly, then you don't have much room for manoeuvre. I think you need to insist he gets therapy if you're determined to stay with him. And yes, you need to give an ultimatum, tell him he stops bullying your son or he's gone. Have him move out until he can show he's worked on himself.

You really really fucked up by marrying him knowing he was treating your ds like this. You say it's worsened since - probably because he feels his feet are fully under the table. Give him a thundering scare and make him realise you will choose your son after all.

Choose your son.

Op, worse case scenario your son will be damaged by this and may stop talking to you. If I were him I’d leave and move in with my father.

So did you not point out to your DH that he was perfectly fine with your DD wearing her wetsuit?

Please protect your DS.
You've had some good advice and some bloody odd responses in some cases.
Ignore the idiots.
But do stop allowing this. You can stand up for him as much as you like but if you keep him in this environment you are choosing your DH over your DS which is not OK.

The cheeky twat shouldn't even have a say in what your son wants to wear at the beach. Just remember you have known your son alot longer than this man. Sick of these stories where you just move a man in to your ready made family and he over steps the mark time and time again trying to be the disciplinarian. No stand up for your fucking kids and say to your piece of shit husband from now on I will answer what my kids can and cannot do. He's there because he's your husband he's not their dad he has no say in their upbringing. Your going to make your child insecure and he will either grow up aggressive because of surpressed angel or he will have 0 confidence.

Not just OP’s son who is being negatively affected, although clearly it’s v bad for him, this is bad for her DD too.

OP, your dh is an adult.
Every adult should understand that it is wrong to have favourites amongst children, and that it is emotionally damaging.

Every child is different and even as the natural parent some push our buttons more, but it is our responsibility as the adult in the house to ensure that treatment of our kids is fair, and is seen by the kids themselves to be fair.

If he cannot see that, then you will never get him to treat your ds fairly.

If he does see that but says that he just isn't as close to ds as dd, then he has to understand that he needs to act fairly regardless of his feelings. Fake it if necessary. He as the adult must take the initiative in showing care, concern, and behaving fairly towards the children.

To me this is basic adult behaviour. If he cannot do that, you need to leave for the sake of your son.

Your poor child. Why do some women persistently choose their partner over their kids? I just don’t get it. A friend of mine did this, stuck with an alcoholic partner who punched her eldest. The eldest moved out as soon as she was able, the next one is now nc, the youngest has serious mental health problems, probably already present, exacerbated by the new partner and all the shit he put the kids through.

What is it going to be like for your DS when your DD leaves the house? She'll presumably be 18 soon, off to Uni, not around to absorb SD's attention?

The only thing I would suggest is pointing it out Every Single Time he is unfair to your DS (like the wetsuit thing). Show up exactly HOW MUCH of a double standard he is running. Show your DS that you have noticed and understood what is going on here, so he feels seen and heard.

If that doesn't help - DH has to go. Being a SD is not for him.

Can we have an update please OP????????

@MintyChapstick that is completely unnecessary. Everyone gets stuff wrong and she's not ignoring it, she's not talking to her husband and she's asking for advice. Be kind?

If you're used to having "humdingers" over the kids, then the marriage has never really been on a strong footing, has it? That's not healthy behaviour.

@DarlingMarianne - From a psychological perspective, your husband is probably under a negative projection or transference, which he is putting on to your son. It is entirely his responsibility to recognise this and to take steps to deal with it. Unfortunately, it's often difficult, if not impossible, to get someone to see this when it's happening to them. I don't hold out much hope in light of his response to you that you are "overreacting". No sense of personal accountability - even, perhaps, doubt - there at all.

I too do not buy the losing contact with his DD due to acrimonious divorce; my guess is that his behaviour in the divorce made it acrimonious in nature

This is ridiculous. It's often proven that the older child is more resentful of the parent who initiated the divorce. In the example I gave of my ex-boss and his affair, he was estranged from both of his daughters from his first marriage. The was in fact cheating on second wife when he was having the affair with his mistress!

Why are we pretending this isn't common?

Crikey there are some nasty comments on here.

What was his own upbringing like? My dad was the same with my brother - favoured me but made his life hard. I think because my brother was a bit ‘softer’ and quiet it angered my dad. It was like he saw his son in himself and was angry when my brother wasn’t someone who my dad to be. That reminded me of the comment you made about him not wanting to be embarrassed on the beach. Maybe he seems some of himself in your son that he deems ‘flawed’ or that he has inner shame over for example (I’m not saying your son actually is flawed, just his way of thinking!)

My brother didn’t take too well from it. The abuse got worse as he got older and he’s really really damaged from it all now.

Give it a rest @Hanamuslim

OP last posted at 1.30 and it's not even 10.30. She's maybe got other things going on other than entertaining MN.

Can we have an update please OP????????

What do you expect when a good % of the messages here reflect the below?

OP, you are a terrible mother. How dare you do this to your son.

The way some of the posters here have attacked OP is disgraceful. She's started a thread on here wanting advice, and to proactively try to resolve this matter, and a large % on here have just attacked her.

God, hope none of you find yourself in a similar situation, because your 'just leave him' advice is easier said than done, particularly in these strange times we find ourselves in.

A bit of kindness wouldn't go amiss.

Your duty lies with your kids. I wouldn't touch someone who mistreated my kids with a bargepole

She seems very keen to tell everyone what a great man he is and how he has great relationships with every other teenage boy apart from her son.

Oh - and his own daughter. Don't forget his teen daughter will have nothing to do with him.....chinny reckon...

Watch out with him favouring your daughter too.
17yo and not his biological child. Huge possibility of abuse, given what you've said. Even if it's not actively physical.
My dad preferred girls to boys and was a complete perv imo. It's very similar story. He 'fancies' 😨 the girls so he plays with and tickles them. The boys anger him.
I would run a mile.

I find it a bit disturbing that the OP seems to accept that her husband and his biological daughter have no contact because his divorce from her mother was acrimonious. I feel that daughter's usually have good reason to refuse to see their fathers, and no I'm not talking about sexual abuse, just poor behaviour on the part of the father. I suppose the husband has given a plausible excuse explained it all to the OP and she's decided all is well. It doesn't matter now anyway because he has a great relationship with his replacement step daughter.

On to the OP's son. The poor boy. The OP always knew her husband favoured her daughter, and she married him anyway. Now he's an absolute brute to the boy and she's still choosing her husband. Her son apparently is fine, none so blind as those who don't want to see seems apt here. She wants her son to be fine so she can stay with her husband.

The son has had half a lifetime of being considered inferior to his sister. Not only by his stepfather, but also his mother who knows the stepfather's feelings and has gone along with them. And the son is not stupid, he'll see this.

OP - you're teaching both your children to accept this, your daughter has learnt that it's fine to be the favourite, your son has learnt that he's second best. This is going to affect them, particularly your son, for the rest of their lives. If your son believes he's second best can't you see how this is going to affect him in all areas of his life as an adult?

Just to reiterate points already made about your daughter I would be VERY concerned how this will effect her too.

She is complicit in this shit show. In a few years time the guilt over this could be really damaging.

Unless she is rather selfish and uncaring this absolutely will come back into play later. And I think she too will question why you allowed it to happen.

And yes I know you think they don't mind / notice much right now, bla bla, but that is just utter bullshit. They both know what's going on but she is using it to her advantage. That will have consequences just as much as it will have for your son.

This is more or less exactly the situation my Dh was in growing up - even the ages of your dd and ds.
Anyway although his stepfather got on very well with stepdaughter he was very harsh on stepson (my Dh).
My Dh live with this situation from age of 9 until he was 13 then he moved to his bio dad’s house this meant moving school and he hated new school so after a few months he moved back in with his mother and stepfather.
Same situation continued everything he did was an issue, he constantly made out Dh was ‘thick, dim’ etc. Dh was the fall guy for everything 😔
His mum stuck up for him but not enough to make a difference and she never left him.
Dh moved out at 16 into a council flat and had to leave school. Luckily he was able to get back into education and has made a very successful career but his prospects at 16 weren’t great.
His mum split up from the stepfather about 4 years after but dh’s Relationship with her I don’t think will ever be what it should.
They talk occasionally. She sees our children now and then but only for short visits. He does not consider his mother as family his family are now me and the kids. That’s the damage that was done in those years.
The stepfather is still the same to this day - he’s still in touch with dh’s sister and is considered a grandad to her dc and supports them financially paid for holidays etc.
I’ve met him once at a big family event he was invited to - he was super rude to my Dh - Dh now a grown man shut that down very swiftly.
Look after you ds he needs you op.

I also have a 17 yo DD and a 14 yo DS. I would find the favouritism of my DD creepy, and so would she, although she wouldn't be confident enough to say so. You should watch that relationship, and also check her feelings and understanding of it.
I would be furious at the bullying of DS. At that age they are changing into young men and are so unsure of themselves and their place in the world. Yours sounds like a lovely boy, you need to prioritise him. He SO needs you now.

One day he will have the choice not to see either of you again.

Please get this sorted.