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Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
Hanamuslim · 28/05/2020 07:05

I had a really crap childhood. And also my elder brother had a rough time. Now none of us talk because how it has affected us. So it will and can affect his relationship with his sister

Kick this man to the kerb and give your shoulders a good shake woman!!!!!

pumpkinpie01 · 28/05/2020 07:05

It sounds to me like he is trying to replace his daughter with yours but as he has such a good relationship with his own son he really can't be bothered with yours.He could well feel subconsciously annoyed that he
has to live with your son and can't live with his own. None of that makes his behaviour acceptable far from it.its worrying that he doesn't seem willing to realise the way he is talking to your son is unacceptable, mean and damaging. Ultimatum time I think.

Rainycloudyday · 28/05/2020 07:07

This is a really upsetting thread to read. I genuinely can’t fathom how any mother has allowed this situation to arise and continue. And what exactly is your dilemma? There is NO dilemma. Kick him out immediately and set to work repairing your relationship with and between your kids, if it’s not already too late.

My toddler DS cuddled up to me the other day and said ‘mummy I want to always live with you’. I said to him you will always have a home with me however big you get. The idea that a parent would invite someone else into their family unit in order to destroy it for their child and harm that child probably for life, rather than be shudder single...well it’s beyond me. I suggest some counselling, pronto.

Spillinteas · 28/05/2020 07:08

He sees him as competition OP and this will only get worse as he gets older. As there will be two ‘men’ in the house - and your son will leave early because of it.

I know the only alternative is to leave but your son is the only one that needs protecting here. He might seem ok but you can bet your bottom dollar he is hiding it because he doesn’t want to upset you or create and argument where you might get verbally attacked.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/05/2020 07:10

I literally don't know what to do other than issue an ultimatum

An ultimatum will not make this man like your son. You are forcing your son to grow up living with a man who doesn't like him.

Your solution is to separate from him. That's the only solution. I see that you're in denial about this but there it is. What on earth do you think an ultimatum would achieve??

Parsley1234 · 28/05/2020 07:11

In my small observation of my demographic and of having a son I think some men find it easier to bond with a girl than a boy - less competition this won’t get easier it will get harder. Don’t compromise your sons childhood

HopeYouStepOnALego · 28/05/2020 07:13

This treatment will have a profound affect on your son and later in life he will judge you if you stay with this man. By staying you are becoming an enabler and the likelihood is that your husband's behaviour will get worse as your son gets older.

HeyDuggeewhatchadoin · 28/05/2020 07:17

You can have several loves in one life.

You only have one chance at your relationship with your children so please recognise that this man might not be the love of the rest of your life. He's harming your children.
I also had parents who chose their partners over their children. Guess how much any of us see of either of them...

TeaLibrary · 28/05/2020 07:17

Seriously OP. Your husband sounds like a vile predatory bully. Your children are entitled to feel safe and secure at home and this man is clearly abusing your.son and potentially behaving inappropriately towards your daughter. Get rid.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 28/05/2020 07:19

He's abusing your son and creepy to your daughter
And he's gaslighting you by making out you've overreacted

I didn't want to be the one to raise an eyebrow at his "jokey bond" with your daughter.

It was my first thought tbh

Ok...those posters who are jumping to conclusions about his interest in my daughter are really jumping the gun. Why does favouritism equal something sinister?!

You need to wake up. Lots of people think it but it hasn't once occurred to you? Hmm

yes I admit that I did marry him last year knowing he favoured my daughter.

Wonderful. Your poor boy must have been gutted. Putting yourself and you needs above him. Shameful.

He sees him as competition OP and this will only get worse as he gets older. As there will be two ‘men’ in the house - and your son will leave early because of it.

This exactly. He'll leave, maybe he'll marry and you will be lucky to get invited to the wedding and he will have children that you won't see, all because of your vile bullying twat DH

I think basically your DH has a thing for your DD and you are blind to it or choose to be. I feel terrible for you DS. Poor boy.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2020 07:23

I think this is out of order really .The fact that he has bonded with a young Teenage girl ,and not a young lad (who he would be able to bond with over Football ,M/C whatever) seems to me quite odd .Im not saying anything is amiss, but as PP have said it seems off to say the least . In any case Favouritism like this is very unfair on your young Son .

CatteStreet · 28/05/2020 07:27

What I also notice is that - in your attempt to contextualise your husband's relationship with your daughter - you seem to think it entirely normal and understandable for him to effectively replace his own daughter with her. Doesn't that say something to you about how he sees people in relation to himself?

Lostvoiced · 28/05/2020 07:29

Have you spoken to him directly about the fact he clearly has a favourite and how damaging than can be to a child?

I'm not gonna say he's automatically a creep, though stepdads who are "wrapped around the little finger" of their stepdaughters do kind of weird me out- and I have a stepdad, who I am close to and regard as my real dad.

He needs to have an ultimatum that he treat both children the same or get packing, and you need to stick to it. Men will come and go but your son is your son forever.

Nopenotsureigiveahoot · 28/05/2020 07:31

If you cant show love equally to my children then I would not be with you. I think that needs to be made crystal clear. His attitude towards your son could have a long term impact! He could also grow up to despise you for allowing him to be treated this way and not openly standing up for him.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2020 07:36

Whichever way you look at it ,this situation cant go on can it? Do your DC see their own Father at all ,maybe your DS would be better off there .Your DD is a young woman and at 17 will be finding her own BF /going to Uni or whatever .What will happen then ? I think you need to re think !

babbi · 28/05/2020 07:36

@DarlingMarianne

“ I really don’t know what to do other than issue an ultimatum “

That’s so sad and I reallly feel heartbroken for you poor son .

Your attitude and approach to this is disgraceful as a mother .

This is not reparable... he doesn’t treat your son well therefore you get rid ... end of .
No ultimatum which would achieve nothing .

You will be failing your son if this abusive man is not told to leave your life and your sons life immediately.

riolou · 28/05/2020 07:37

@TheNavigator I was thinking the exact same thing wasn't sure wether to put it , thanks for speaking for me lol , I think that's a massive red flag no man that wasn't my child's father would have my 17 year old daughter " wrapped around his finger"

SallyWD · 28/05/2020 07:40

That made me sad. Your son sounds like a lovely boy. Many teenagers would not be so calm and reasonable in the face of such behaviour. If I was you I couldn't help feeling uneasy about his "soft spot" for your daughter. There could well be nothing in it but still...

Dozer · 28/05/2020 07:40

Your choices with this relationship have harmed both your DC.

End the relationship!

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 28/05/2020 07:41

Ah, another thread with a woman putting her desire for a man above the well being of her child(ten). Are you so lacking in self respect you feel this guy us the best you can do ?

How he treats other children, including your daughter and his own kids, is totally irrelevant and clouding the issue - which is how he treats your son. He may have good relationships with other kids, but who actually cares. He is bullying and subside towards your son and you are, in fact, failing to stand up for him by tolerating this behaviour. And make no mistake, you are tolerating this behaviour. You married him in spite of it and you’ve not effectively ended it when it became apparent (either by totally stopping it or by removing your son from this situation ).

Favouritism is bad enough between siblings without any “active” form abuse to the less favoured child, but this is horrific.

All your posts are doing is minimising your DH behaviour and clouding the issues by bleating on about how good he is with other kids and that he’s not a pervert.

I’d personally be wary about him around my daughter just in case, but even if that is genuine it doesn’t alter the horrific way in which you allow him to bully your son in his own home.

Put your kids first.

IWillNotNameTheTree · 28/05/2020 07:43

My ex-stepmum treated me like this while clearly favouring my brother.

I am 36 years old now and still haven’t forgiven my father for allowing it happen.

riolou · 28/05/2020 07:46

Basically to me it sounds like you don't want your relationship to break up that's why your allowing how he treats your poor son! Not only does he have separated parents but he goes home to a awful man that he knows can't stand him! I think personally you won't see it you'll see a "great bond" with your daughter but I just think he has more than a bond and doesn't want your son in the way. Because your probably so blind sited about the red flag issue your more focused on how he treats your son but are you going to do anything about it? Like LEAVE HIM because you might think he doesn't seem phased but you'll be sorry if anything happens to that boy because he didn't tell anyone how he really feels or if he wants to go live with his father because his mum just cannot give up her relationship for her child's happiness.

CeibaTree · 28/05/2020 07:48

Your poor son. You have let him down really badly and will damage your relationship with him forever. It's really telling that you don't know how to deal with this situation - most loving mothers would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago and would have married the bully in the first place. You've invited a monster into your home and you boy is paying the price.

CeibaTree · 28/05/2020 07:49

*wouldn't have married him in the first place

everybodysang · 28/05/2020 07:50

Oh... that sounds bad. I was going to say I feel a bit like this sometimes: my stepdaughter, 17 now, I find easier to get on with. My stepson is 20 and is amazing - and much, much easier to get on with now - but has always been a bit trickier. In my heart of hearts... I prefer my stepdaughter, mostly because I feel I know what to say to her.

BUT I have fought with myself never, ever, ever to show that. To treat them both with kindness and love. To bite my lip when I found it hard. They've been in my life now for 13 years and I love them both and we have a lovely relationship. That I had to work at. Because i am the adult, and they are children.

You've got to sort this. They'll remember.