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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband hugely favours one child over the other

380 replies

DarlingMarianne · 27/05/2020 22:08

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

OP posts:
shamalidacdak · 28/05/2020 02:50

LTB

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 28/05/2020 03:01

Was he always like that or has he changed since you got married ?

Flipswhitefudge · 28/05/2020 03:09

Wake up to yourself, find your backbone and protect your son, that is your fucking job! Leave this arsehole!

Gemma2019 · 28/05/2020 03:13

OP I can't believe you are defending him and saying he is this amazing father figure to everyone except your boy. Your boy is the only important person here! You don't seem to understand that you are prioritising a man who has utter contempt for your own child and will most certainly wreck his self esteem and childhood memories. I don't understand why you seem so baffled about what to do - there's only one thing you can do and that's LTB. Prioritise your son!

caringcarer · 28/05/2020 03:21

When you married this man your Ds must have felt gutted. He is a child and relies on you to keep him safe not just physically but emotionally too. Your husband is a bully and must be making your son's life miserable. If you allow your husband to bully your son, who is doing nothing wrong, you will lose his love and respect. It could damage his self esteem and as soon as he is 18 he will want to leave home. I would not tolerate my dh treating my children in this way. When he asked to marry me he knew it was love me love my kids, including one with ADHD.

JumpingAtJackdaws · 28/05/2020 03:23

He is sometimes unkind, or hard on my son. see, this is the thing I can't understand. I wouldn't stand a man being unkind or hard towards my dog let alone my son.

My stepfather was hostile towards my brother - it's very much about being the man of the house and resenting sharing the affections of the females.
When my brother was 18, and physically bigger than stepfather, they had an almighty fight. My mother was literally hitting them with a broom to stop them killing each other. My brother left that night. You should be prepared for your son to leave as soon as he is able to too.

carolinasm · 28/05/2020 03:38

I think unconsciously he feels your son is a threat to him. Why? If he doesn't see it, it will be difficult for him to stop. Maybe you should see some therapist together and see why this is happening. You don't want your son to be resentful of you or him on the long run. In my experience, even parents and grandparents tend to have a favourite sometimes. Listen to yourself and do as your heart tells you.

Aclh13 · 28/05/2020 03:59

What's more concerning is the fact your husband is not OK with the easier child but OK with the female older child, problematic much 😳😞

walkingchuckydoll · 28/05/2020 04:33

My issue is my husbands' favouritism of my daughter and his unfair treatment (at times) of my son. I need help and advice over THIS and not some smoking gun!

The only advice to be given is that he doesn't live with or have much contact with your children. Your sons childhood and happiness should be more important to you as a mum than your private life.

sashh · 28/05/2020 05:27

Head over to the 'Stately Homes' threads and look at 'golden child'.

You husband is abusing your son. Just because it is not physical doesn't mean it is not damaging.

If you found out he was sexually abusing your son what would you do?

You have chosen your husband over your son.

And it won't stop, if your children go on to have their own families then your grandchildren will get the same.

Winterlife · 28/05/2020 05:41

Your daughter is irrelevant in all of this. Your husband is cruel to your son. Without work on the issue, that is not going to change, and it doesn't matter how kind he is to every other child in the world, or how great a man he is in every other respect. Your son is suffering because of your husband's attitude and actions.

Do you want your son to grow up knowing that he was not one of the two most important people in your life, your daughter being the other one?

Either force your husband to get family counselling with you immediately, in order to get to the root of his problem, or dump him. Or, don't do either, make excuses, continue to sleep in separate beds (to show your son a "healthy dynamic" in a relationship /s), and then, let your son repeat some of these same unhealthy dynamics in his own relationships.

You've recognized the issue. Now, you have to act to change it, one way or another.

Happynow001 · 28/05/2020 05:42

Again, this is detracting from the issue I have, which is...he has not bonded well with my son.He has with my daughter. He is sometimes unkind, or hard on my son. I don't understand why.

He has plenty of good relationships with family / friends' kids. My son is the exception, sadly.
I think, OP, this is a good reason to have a cooling off period where your husband is not in the same space as your son - at least for a while. SHOW your son you are putting him first. You may think you ARE but, maybe, your son feels differently even if he's unable to communicate that to you.

How would you feel if, next time he stays with his father, your son decided he'd prefer to stay there?

yes I admit that I did marry him last year knowing he favoured my daughter.

However, the favouritism wasn't so transparent, and it has become much more obvious since then. As has his shortness with my son over unimportant things. It wasn't like this beforehand.
It's done now and hindsight is 20/20, but this is the point where you should have reconsidered or delayed getting remarried.

You do, however, now have the option of asking your husband to move out temporarily in order to support your son and for you and your husband to remove the discussions/arguments/bad atmosphere away from the family home.

Wagamamas · 28/05/2020 05:45

Fuck me, i'd kick the 'd'h to the kerb! No brainer really. Interesting that he is so close to the teen girl but not the boy.

Your son only has 1 mum. Prioritise.

WombOfOnesOwn · 28/05/2020 06:02

Did he have a golden child/scapegoat dynamic with his other kids too, perhaps a clue as to why one talks to him and one doesn't?

ukgift2016 · 28/05/2020 06:06

OP is choosing to ignore the posts about her son, interesting.

OP, you knew for years your husband did not like your son very much. You still married him, you still made him apart of your family. Your posts show you are unwilling to acknowledge your wrong doing in this.

Your son will grow to resent you. You as his mother have always put a man before him. You have also likely impacted his relationship with his sister (as she's the favourite and he is not) well done, mother of the year.

Tavannach · 28/05/2020 06:07

Once lockdown is over can you encourage a friendship between his son and yours?
In the meantime I think you have to ask him what actions he thinks he could take to improve his relationship with your son. That should give you some idea of what his problem is and you take it from there. Look into the possibility of family counselling and tell him this. He has to understand you think it's a really serious problem. And it is for your son.

EdwinaMay · 28/05/2020 06:19

These things are difficult but I think it should be talked about with DS and DH. Otherwise the DS will feel there is something wrong with him, as DH is the adult in this, avoiding it is unfair on DS.

CatteStreet · 28/05/2020 06:28

Everyone else has said what I think about the impact this will be having on your poor boy. I also note I am not the only one to find your account of his relationship with your daughter a little disturbing, although fewer people have mentioned this.

I think now is the time to have a clear conversation with him, where you tell him you have noticed his unfairness towards your son becoming increasingly obvious, that you should have stepped in long before but didn't, but that now you are - and you want him to leave the family home, at least for the time being, while he considers his behaviour and you perhaps attend joint counselling.

CatteStreet · 28/05/2020 06:33

I think, OP, the way you have honed in on the (perhaps inaccurate - we don't know -, but in the overall context, and using phrases like 'wrapped around his little finger', absolutely not unreasonable) comments about his relationship with your daughter is you trying to detract from the central issue here, which is that you have failed as a mother to your son and that the only way of turning this around is to make a very clear statement to this man that your son comes before him.

It does not matter if he has the most amazing relationship with every other teenager in the world. many, many victims of abusive parents or step-parents see them being utterly lovely to all other children in their lives and surrounded by friends. When the other parent gratefully reads that as some kind of sign that they're alright really (and the idea starts creeping in, more often than not, that the problem is with the disfavoured child), these children feel even more alone.

bumbleb33s · 28/05/2020 06:41

It is your responsibility to protect your son, it must be awful for him living with this man treating him like this and not seeing you sort it. Also, he could start resenting his sister so their relationship could suffer.

I think you seriously need to sit your husband down and tell him that his behavior towards your son is just not acceptable and if he can’t change that then you don’t see a future between your both.

My mum married a guy, he was not nice to me or my brother, he took a dislike to my brother more so, so my mum sent my brother to live with our dad, broke my heart she chose this guy over her child and split us up, my brother then died a few months later aged 16, i was 18, I have never ever forgiven my mum for choosing a guy over her children, it’s not how it should be.

Please bear in mind that whatever your son is saying to you he will be upset deep down that this is going on and you’re putting this guy before him in his eyes

Hanamuslim · 28/05/2020 06:49

He can clearly shove off. When he married you he accepted you have children, you can't pick and choose who is your favourite, which ti have a relationship with. And definitely swearing at a child is unacceptable and morally wrong.

I would leave this marriage. Because of the fact he treats your son a lot different to the daughter. He makes it obvious and makes it known. Your son will pick up or has picked up on this and will not be happy in the long run.

Your son seems great and respectful by not allowing his stepdad to get to him and still being courteous about it.

I would seriously consider your future with this man.

Hanamuslim · 28/05/2020 06:50

Bumbleb @bumbleb33s I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope you're in a better place now. My love and best wishes to you

Sending big hugs

2007Millie · 28/05/2020 06:58

OP, be a half decent parent and leave this man.

You're going to end up a doormat with a son who hates you.

You won't leave, though, I can already tell that by your comments. You're stupid.

Your poor son. He deserves better

bumbleb33s · 28/05/2020 07:00

@hanamuslim thank you 😊

cptartapp · 28/05/2020 07:02

Your partner of several years is often unkind and hard on your DS, and you feel hasn't bonded with him. So you decide to commit to them living together and for you to spend the rest of your life with this man.
Poor choices.
Does your DH put money aside for his estranged DD?

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