My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

@MsDogLady has said it. Heed it.

Yes 100% MrsDogLady.

This is a whole 360 degree, interwoven, toxic family set-up to achieve abuse and destruction of your child by the manipulative nasty narc DH.

He is at the centre pulling all the strings and putting in all the obstacles so that he gets a clear targeted shot at this child, day in day out, for years.

He has you all positioned so that you unconsciously play your part to facilitate and enable his systematic abuse.

The nauseous, self servicing, semi flirty RS with your DD - is a fake, smoke and mirrors attempt to show you that he is a nice man. It also manipulates DD in to the very narrow range of the golden child spotlight - one false move and she knows how grim life is in the shadows.

He has silenced and gagged you - you have raged and fought him but ultimately have capitulated and are subjugated by his dismissive bullying of you that you take no action.

There are zero consequences for his abuse of your child.

Worse you are so conditioned by your DH to believe that it doesn’t even impact your child - you continue to deny and minimise whilst this fucker sandpapers away at your young child’s heart and soul.

All traded because you have the fanny gallops or maybe he has a few quid?

Get a grip @Gutterton

Spot on @Gutterton and @MsDogLady

Oh and a stale  for you @Gutterton

@HollowTalk @Spied
What the hell is wrong with you two?
He has a bond with the daughter due to more common interests and you suspect something disgusting?
I feel deeply for your partners, I pray they don't get along with your/their own daughters in case you call the police on them. Sickos.

@SixesAndEights

his wife was divorcing him for adultery

He sounds lovely.

Clearly missed the part where she said they were seperated and she was being vindictive?

OP I'm sorry about the posters you are getting, apparently everyone here is perfect and consistently make 100% good decisions with perfect men.
It sounds like your issues escalated over time, please have a strict conversation where you tell him your son comes first, don't let him minimise your feelings saying you're overreacting, you're really not.

I wouldn't tolerate that. If anyone had the slightest issue with my son it would be zero tolerance from me. Your son will absolutely feel this and it will emotionally affect him for life, I know this as my mums long term bf hated me and my brother as kids and it's never really been discussed & the resentment toward our mother has never been resolved for taking his side and allowing it to happen.

@Gutterton
@MsDogLady

Exactly.

Boys shrug things off as they become young men, but when they trust you, and know you have their back, it can be a real eye opener to see how sensitive they are despite their shrugs.

OP, you don't sound like a bad woman, but Jesus Christ you have majorly fxxxed up marrying a man who bullies your child.

He sounds odious.

His adulterous affair tells you a lot about his character.

I feel for you, because you have really really messed up.

Your lovely son will carry the scars of this awful relationship where he is collateral damage.

My dearest friend was your son 45 years ago.

The scars from the bully her weak father married are as open today as when she started to talk to me about them 30 years ago.

You will regret this.
Don't let your son moving to his father be your solution.

Woman up, admit you have made an enormous mistake and will no longer allow your son to be the victim in this awful situation.

You can choose to do the right thing.

"Your DH sounds vile:

• a cheater,
• alienated from is own daughter for nearly a decade,
• acrimonious divorce (he set that tone no doubt)
• bully’s little boys
• bully’s the mother when called out
• unable to apologise
• odd RS with step daughter"

He’s the common denominator here

Succinctly put and impossible to ignore. Stay at your own peril, OP.

I think the OP is getting a hard time - some might think my earlier post was harsh/unfair.

But this situation has gone on for many years, yes maybe it’s getting incrementally worse, but it’s still gone on for many years and I suspect she needs a shock and for this to be put in very blunt terms for her to understand and accept what has / is going on. Which she clearly is not really doing based on her various updates defending her DH and his relationships with other children, when in fact it is irrelevant. Who cares how nice he is to other people if he is bullying her son ?

The OP needs to wake up and protect her child.

You will let it go.

You have for years and you will again.

I don’t expect you’ll have a relationship with your son as an adult.

You’ll still have your cheating DH who is adored by literally everyone except for his own child and your child. Weird hey.

Gitterton

Excellent post.

I wonder how you will feel in years to come when your son leaves home at the first opportunity and doesn't want to visit.

You knowingly married a man who plays favourites with your children. You think that because your son has chosen to stay living with you that things can't be that bad. Is your bar really that low? Would you be happy living in a household where you were constantly picked on and compared to someone else and found wanting?

I feel very sorry for your son; living in a house where his stepfather bullies him and where his own mother is too weak to do anything about it.

@Gutterton sorry!!! The stale was for @TigerDater not you

Another lovely bit of stale biscuit, thank you! 😂

Good luck OP, I really hope these dire predictions don't come true for you or your son. You absolutely can't let the situation continue as it is though, now that you have fully acknowledged it, but I think I you know that.

What are these dire predictions for the son you are referring to TigerDater?

Do you mean the numerous first hand accounts from others posters who have shared their personal experience of having been abused as a child in similar circumstances?

OP I'm sorry about the posters you are getting, apparently everyone here is perfect and consistently make 100% good decisions with perfect men.

Why do people always come in with this perfect crap? It’s juvenile and frankly it’s thick as shit.

Most people know that there’s actually a fairly big gap between perfect and marrying a man who already treats your kid like dirt then staying with him for years while he does it some more.

Do you literally not understand that?

Why would OP
Come back and take stuff on board if people
Are quite so vitriolic ?
It’s an own goal

I remember posting here and feeling literally sick to my stomach and gutted when I got a shit kicking like this

So whatever the validity of the messaging
(And I agree his behaviour is majorly worrying and damaging ) sending messages like this is damaging for the OP and means they will go away

And who stands to lose ? Her son

Fuck me

@Thisisworse I agree. And then you’ll get the same people wondering why OP won’t return. Completely clueless.

We need to get the Messaging better here

Surely we can communicate is a way that the seriousness And gravity of the message is imparted
But also without tearing the OP down

Every day I see this on here
Of Course People run away

And people project , some people will have been in the heinous situation that OPs son is in

So they punish the OP
But in doing so they create a situation where sensible and wise feedback could be heard

It’s so fucked

I feel so sorry for your son. There’s no way your kids don’t notice this. He will never forget that you let him be treated like this and chose this man over his well-being.

I think you need to communicate how unacceptable this is to your husband and be prepared to take serious action.

He may not be doing it on purpose - everyone carries weird baggage from their own childhood family units, who knows what past experience is triggering this response in your husband. However, it is still his problem and his responsibility to deal with it. I would be tempted to suggest counselling to explore where it’s coming from.

Either way, your son needs to know that you’re on his side and as far as you’re concerned it’s unacceptable.

I really can't blame the poster for disappearing, the baying hounds of Mumsnet score an own goal again.

Can those who have been rudely forthright try to think about how their message could have been phrased in such a way that it may well have been read and possibly acted upon.

Perhaps, in fact, imagine the OP to be a sister or daughter. Would you be so aggressive then? I imagine not. Be kinder, you never know when you will need help or advice.

I think you are going to have to decide who is most important to you. However mild mannered you son is now, there will come a time when he will think to himself "you know what, what's the point of staying in a house where I'm not supported" and off he will go never come back.
So do you a) continue your relationship with your husband knowing that he dislikes your son to the point of being a bully and verbally abusive to him or b) stick up for your boy, tell your husband that that's it, the line has been crossed and the marriage is over.
It really is a choice between your marriage and your son....which do you care about the most?

Thank you, exactly the sort of response that is needed

He has you all positioned so that you unconsciously play your part to facilitate and enable his systematic abuse

This is so true.

He HATES your son and you not sharing a bed with him, or telling him off is NOT going to change that. Ever.

You chose him over your own child. Marrying him even though he had already treated your son with disdain.

You keep choosing him.

You really think that your son does not feel that?