My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

If he gets petty and rude and swears when your son does something ordinary and acceptable. How bad is the reaction when your son does something wrong?

Go and find something else to do posters.

You first. 🙄

If I’m understanding this right - he separated when his daughter was 12 - This is when you met him. And he Must have told you he was divorcing because he had committed adultery. Then through the divorce process - daughter was 13 - she was told the explicit details (which you must have heard too) from her mum. In these early stages of a relationship, I would have severely questioned the character of this man. Especially if I wanted a good father figure for my children.

What happened to the woman he committed adultery with?

Was she married? Did she have a family? He seems to be messing up a lot of lives....

the kids are going to their Dads tonight and we are talking. I won’t let this go.

Will you let him go though?

You've discussed it before with him and he hasn't changed, you say he's got worse.

You said you don't want to deliver him an ultimatum. I agree you shouldn't. Because it would be ridiculous to stay with a man who needed you to threaten divorce in order for him to be nice to your son.

An ultimatum is different to a dealbreaker.

Him bullying (and it is bullying) your son shouldn't require an ultimatum, because it should be a dealbreaker.

Your poor boy, what a shitty situation you've kept him in for years because you don't want to lose your relationship. You've chosen this man for years, grow up, step up and choose your boy.

You still haven't acknowledged how really horrible your partners behaviour is because if you do you know that you staying with him sounds wrong and selfish.. because it is.

So committed and loyal that he cheated on his wife?

I'm off to the bookies to put money on it being his ex wife's fault!

I would never marry a cheater so that's your first mistake.

He's bullying your son, and by staying with him, you're sending your son the message that it's ok and you'd rather be married than protect him.

So not RTWT
Sorry

But OP have you had a chance to discuss 1:1 with both kids and get their take on it

I’m surprised all the adultery/gory sexual details were revealed to you so early on in the relationship - and you still went ahead.

Your updates just make it worse and worse.

His adulterous behaviour must have been torturous for his wife and to be losing her home while he swanned about with you during divorce proceedings while her life fell apart- yep, i can see why all the screaming happened.

No matter how flexible and friendly your set up with ex, there will soon come a time your son doesn't feel he has a choice and will leave. And you will tell yourself you supported his choice, not that he was bullied in his own home relentlessly by a cheating manipulative bully who married his mother.

I suggest you use tonight to tell him to leave.

OP, I suspect that your H is reacting to your son as a threat to his "man of the house" status. The issue is if he doesn't discuss his feelings they will never get better.

Please don't blame the Ex w for the relationship failure with his daughter. It is his responsibility and you don't just switch off a child by discussing adultery. You don't know the dynamics he had with his daughter and he may have favoured his son so he might operate a scapegoat and golden child model.

I hope he will accept that he is out of order as otherwise he does put you in a position where you will stop caring for him. There is nothing attractive about a bully!

Blimey OP I hope you're not coming back, the responses on here from some posters are pathetic. I used to find MN really constructive but this seems to have changed. Shame on the posters who just get in a self-righteous frenzy, making stuff up and projecting.

If you are still reading OP, I would suggest that not talking to your H is not the answer. Instead I recommend making a clear list of the issues and sitting down calmly with him to discuss them. Listen carefully to how he seeks to justify his own behaviour and attitude, and to his reaction when you set out how it makes you feel and how it affects your son. Don't let the conversation turn into an argument. Take away what he says and work out how that ties in with his recent actions. Then decide your next steps. Good luck.



I despair of the standards some women seem to set for the men they bring into their children’s lives

I know, so low.

OP you should read and re read the post by @YgritteSnow

As for the "saner posts" op , you mean the ones that don't criticize your current questionable parenting

Ok...those posters who are jumping to conclusions about his interest in my daughter are really jumping the gun.

Because he's a man and most posters on MN think if a man isn't physical/emotionally abusive then he must be a peado.

I don't read anything sinister into your DH relationship with your daughter and it's just peoples sick prejudices against men who would make that assumption

I think the old father/daughter mother/son factor is in play here. Perhaps he sees your ex DH more in your son so keeps his distance? Also naturally girls tend to be a bit more manipulative than boys so has him wrapped round her finger

I think you just have to be clear with him when he obviously treats them differently on the same issue and be clear you won't stand for it

No I think she means saner as in those who aren't complete assholes making up their own narrative to fit their projections.

Op has recognised there is a problem, maybe it was subtle at the start, maybe it was minor comments which has led to something bigger, but she has come here for support and advice not to be torn to shreds by people who don't have the first clue about her or her dh.

Sorry op you've had such twattish comments, posters are obviously very unhappy and bored in lockdown!

You do need to resolve this and quickly. Sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel, give him plenty of examples so he can't deny what your saying, but you may need to be prepared that ultimately you may need to make a difficult decision if he refuses to acknowledge what your saying. Your son absolutely must come first, he is your priority. Good luck I hope you get a positive outcome.

The fact he has a good relationship with his son and other related teenage males makes the situation with your son worse

He knows how to interact with teenage boys and is choosing not to do so with yours

The fact his behaviour has intensified since you got married is absolutely classic. He has his feet firmly under the table. You’ve all got used to him treating your DS like shit, you have a row, you move on and then he does it again

He is completely confident that he can be as shit to your child as he wants and you’ll do nothing more than a bit of a telling off

- the kids are going to their Dads tonight and we are talking. I won’t let this go

I'm really happy to read that. I was a bit worried that you had trouble understanding how bad the situation can feel for a growing child. He will really have to change his ways.

I have close friends with two boys and I really favour one over the other. I can't change my feelings but I very consciously treat them exactly the same in terms of attention, hugs, time, smiles and presents. I do my absolute best to not show any favouritism and it is always in the back of my mind when I see them. He needs to also acknowledge his favouritism and consciously make an effort to treat them the exact same way. He can't let his feelings dictate the relationship. It's not fair on either of them.

'Your updates just make it worse and worse.'

Have to agree I'm afraid. He sounds really unpleasant. Your poor son, and hes not doing your daughter any favours either. How will you feel if your son decides before long that he wants to spend virtually all his time at his dad's place?

I'm gonna start off by saying; I'm not gonna go into the various accusations om this thread and only stick to what you have said.

I mean absolutely no disrespect and truely hope you will read this with an open heart, because I think some of the thread is going off om a tangent and missing the actual point.

This is not to flame you, but I hope it can open your eyes to what I feel you should focus on

You said...:

"My son did nothing wrong. I cannot get through to my husband. He reiterates that I overreacted and need to let it go. He was a total arse though."

"Again, this is detracting from the issue I have, which is...he has not bonded well with my son. He has with my daughter. He is sometimes unkind, or hard on my son. I don't understand why."

"I think my daughter is some sort of compensation for the loss of HIS daughter. He has his son, so doesn't need that 'role' fulfilled. When he chooses to engage (for example, with my daughter, his son, his nieces and nephews etc...) he is a really committed and loyal person and is adored by them all.

It is just my boy."

With all due respect - it does not matter why. It does not matter that you want to understand (although I understand your desperate need to have some sort of reason that could excuse the behaviour, since you love him).

What matters is the treatment of your son.

You absolutely know there is a problem with your husband's treatment of your son. He doesn't. He thinks you are overreacting and doesn't think anything is wrong with the way he is treating your son. That is ALL you need to known.

You cannot make him change by you trying to understand the reason behind his actions, if he is not willing to see it himself.

Fair enough if there was a genuine reason behind the way he acts and when confronted by it he was appaled at his own actions and willing to change. However he isn't. He thinks you are overreacting and he hasn't done anything wrong.

You are your son's protector. You have brought in a man into his life, who is not treating him right. You are the one to correct this mistake, not some man who can't even see there is a problem.

It is not easy and particularly heartbreaking for you, since you already have a divorce behind you and perhaps this man brings you a lot of joy you never thought you could have again. Truely, I get it must be hard.

But if this man is not willing or able to see his mistreatment of your son, you need to take steps to protect him. Merely sticking up for him to your husband is not protection. He is still being subjected to it.

"I posted BECAUSE of my son. I literally don't know what to do other than issue an ultimatum"

Glad to hear you are having a talk tonight. Please make sure that you listen to what he says. His reaction and possible remorse or not is what you should be looking for. It will give you the answer you are looking for.
Good luck.

Op, as you said, you've NOT YET DELIVERED AN ULTIMATUM. Ie, "If you ever speak to my son unfairly like that ever again, we are finished". You said you just said "in no uncertain terms" to you husband that it wasn't acceptable. "In no uncertain terms" usually means a person doesn't bluntly say what they mean.

You may say you "stand up for your son", but you don't, not in the ultimate "don't you ever dare treat him like that again" sense. Why is that?

Also:

"He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened."

Young/teenage boys rarely do. They usually have a feeling of having to suck it up, because of societal norms - or they internalize it. Both equally heartbreaking for a child, when none of is needed.

I think at some point my son will want to spend more time at his Dads as he gets older.

No kidding, eh. So is this your strategy? Wait until your son has had enough and moves to his dads, and problem solved?

Even if you don't want to end the relationship, could you consider living in separate households so your poor child does not have to live with someone who mistreats him?

My father ripped our little family apart in favouring me and scapegoating my sister. It was deeply cruel and very negatively affected all of our relationships for many years to come. It took 20 years for my sister and me to rebuild our relationship. Our father was never forgiven by either of us.

We have had some humdingers over the kids. My children do know that I am not afraid of him or of calling him out when he is being unreasonable

What do you row about over the kids? Why are they 'humdingers'?

I have had a fairly fiery marriage but the 'humdinger' rows were never over the children.

What else is his problem with them (him?) What is his parental role in the family? Does he think he should discipline? Is he allowed to?