My husband hugely favours one child over the other

[DarlingMarianne]

I'm divorced, and I remarried a year ago to a man who I have known and dated for 6 years prior to marrying him. We have an amazing connection, and he is a good man, however...

He has quite obviously bonded with my 17 year old daughter in a way that he hasn't with my 14 year old son.

He is very, very sweet, and patient with my daughter, who has him wrapped around her little finger. They have a lovely, relaxed, jokey relationship. However, my 14 year old son just seems to irritate / trigger him. And I don't know why. My son is in many respects the easier child. He's a real peacemaker, isn't moody (yet!), avoids confrontation and rarely reacts to my husband, even when he is being overly hard on my son.

My husband has admitted that he has soft spot for my daughter that he doesn't have with my son. I get really upset / defensive when my husband gets annoyed with my son over something petty, or some non-event. Today, we were going to the beach and my son wanted to take his wet suit. He is fair skinned and has a bit of sunburn from the weekend. He wanted to spend a lot of time in the water at the beach. This seemed to completely trigger my husband and he got really wound up. He told my son he would look stupid for wearing his wetsuit on the beach, and raised his voice to him and then swore under his breath. I heard the swearing but I'm not sure if my son heard. In any event, my son didn't react, but stood his ground, politely, and took (and wore) the wetsuit.

On BH Monday (an equally hot day) we took my daughter to the beach, she wore her wetsuit and there was no comment.

Does anyone else have this sort of inequality in their families? Do you or your partner obviously favour one child? I'm interested to see if it is common or not.

How do you cope / manage it? It's becoming more apparent to me the older the children get and I find it upsetting.

I think at some point my son will want to spend more time at his Dads as he gets older.

Why do you sound so accepting of that?

You are, likely without meaning too, allowing your husband to push your son out of his home.

Sorry but your DH is bullying your son. Please do not allow him to discipline your son any more as he cannot be trusted to be fair. Tell him you will take care of all discipline from now on. What does he care if your son wears a wetsuit??

He's awful. And you need to put your son first. He'll be moving out in a couple of years anyway, then you can have all the time you want for nasty pricks. I don't think there's much point in an ultimatum, what would you suggest-if he doesn't hide his dislike better you'd leave? That's not good enough.

We have had some humdingers over the kids. My children do know that I am not afraid of him or of calling him out when he is being unreasonable.

As a mother I would have thought it was important that you're on the same page as your partner when it comes to parenting - or in his case his boundaries with parenting as you are the parent.

You say the kids have witnessed humdingers over how he treats them... do you genuinely think that makes it sound better, not worse?!

"Don't worry, when he bullies my son I do ask him not to. Every time he does it. For the last 5/6/7 years."

I'm sure that feels great for your son.

By the way I notice you said your daughter is more outgoing and confident. Isn't it nice of your partner to have chosen a more reserved and gentle natured child to bully? How attractive a quality in him. Your poor boy sounds lovely. Usually id have said you are on course for a boy to end up lamping his step dad for bullying him at some point but it makes me feel even worse for your boy that you say he is just "baffled" at the treatment at doesn't make a fuss.

How does that not break your heart? It breaks mine and I don't even know him.

God how can you be attracted to someone who is unkind to your child? You said he's unkind to him. Your words, nobody else's. Doesn't your son deserve a mum who wouldn't want to be with someone who is unkind to him and kind to his sister.

As I said before this shouldn't be an ultimatum situation, it should be a dealbreaker. He's repeatedly picked on your child and "hugely favours" one of them noticeable. That should be a dealbreaker because if you have to threaten someone to make them not be a bully... they're a cunt.

@DarlingMarianne

I have read the full thread.

My mother chose her second husband over my well-being and it slowly but surely eroded my relationship with her. Like you, she wouldn’t admit the truth or take proper responsibility for it.

On one unforgettable occasion her husband held me down and physically threatened and verbally assaulted me, I was 10 years old. My mother ‘stuck up for me’, she even argued and rowed with her husband.. But she stayed with him (and helped me To learn that I was not worthy enough for her to choose me over this man). Our relationship never recovered right up to her death a few years ago. Oh and the second husband left her 3 years later after an affair with her friend and close neighbour.

Don’t be my mother - sort yourself out, stop bargaining with a man who shows clear contempt for your son (and has done in some capacity for years!) - YOU will be the loser here and your son will be damaged.

Stop being wilfully ignorant, you came and asked for advice, bloody well accept it as you’ve had enough years to observe what’s going on (this isn’t exactly a brand new situation).

'Stop being wilfully ignorant, you came and asked for advice, bloody well accept it as you’ve had enough years to observe what’s going on'

Well said. The loudest message you are sending to your son is by sticking with this man despite his behaviour. You say you have repeatedly challenged him about his treatment of your son, and nothing changes, meaning he has little respect for you either. Lovely

Christ, please give her a chance. Some of the messages on here are utterly disgraceful. She hasn't 'chosen' her husband over son, if that were the case, she'd have totally ignored her son's mistreatment, and not bothered posting on here.

Allow her the time to deal with this sensitive matter. And let's try to be constructive in the replies. Accusing her of having no standards is just plain rude and unkind. I thought this forum was supposed to be a supportive environment, not one when where we're tearing chunks out of somebody who had opened up about a private issue.

Christ, please give her a chance. Some of the messages on here are utterly disgraceful. She hasn't 'chosen' her husband over son, if that were the case, she'd have totally ignored her son's mistreatment, and not bothered posting on here.

Except he was like this before she married him...

My (male) cousin’s ex-wife did a similar thing to you. She was married to a man who wasn’t evil or horrible or anything. But he did pick at everything my cousin’s son did. Pick, pick, pick.

Just before he turned 15 he decided to move in with my cousin and now refuses to go to his mum’s house. He still sees her - my cousin lets her come round to his for tea once a week and I think she takes him out sometimes as well. But it is not a lot of time with your child and she doesn’t really have much influence on his life.

My cousin’s ex is a nice woman. I liked her very much when she was married to my cousin. And she was generally a really good mum. But she chose a bloke who made her son miserable. And eventually her son voted with his feet.

He hugely favours your daughter.
He bullies your son.
You accept your son will eventually want to move in with his dad.
My guess is he will say just enough to stop you throwing him out. He will probably get in that you are a bad mum and too soft. He will imply there is something wrong with your son and he only wants to help.
He is abusive to your boy. Please find it in you to protect your boy.

Yeah - I agree with @Smallgoon. Let’s give her another 6 years to figure out what to do about her DH bullying her son.

Your son is still a child and needs you OP. Your h us an adult and does not need you. Choose your son, now, while he really needs a loving Mum. You could find another relationship when your son is older and less needy of you. If you cannot ensure his life is happy and free from bullying you should ask your ex if he could look after him.

Your h sees your ds as competition. Does he look like his biological Dad? At the moment your son is meek and accepting but as he gets older it will get worse. Stop this bullying before you change your happy go lucky son forever.

Christ, please give her a chance. Some of the messages on here are utterly disgraceful. She hasn't 'chosen' her husband over son, if that were the case, she'd have totally ignored her son's mistreatment, and not bothered posting on here

She said he was like this before they married and now it’s getting worse. She’s had 6 years to think about this. It didn’t happen overnight fgs. Oh and yes, how good of her to love her son so much that she doesn’t ignore his mistreatment and abuse - REALLY? This is the very fcking basic level of decent parenting that any child deserves. Are our standards for parenting really that low? Bloody hell

My BIL was treated terribly by MILs DH. The step children were always favoured by the DH, BIL was blamed for everything, always.
MIL never stuck up for him.
He always seemed quite blasé about it and that he wasn't bothered. He was.
His relationship with his DM is pretty non existent now. Don't let it carry on op.

Your son sounds like such a lovely boy. I would never in a million years be with a man that treated my DS like this.

Exactly! Kids are nr. 1 every time. NO man is worth fucking up my kids.

Like PP said, when your kids are late teens/early twenties, out the door (or not) leading their own lives, then you have the rest of your life for yourself, to date, have a relationship etc. They are at such a vulnerable age now....

Well done for acknowledging there is a big problem here OP.

He doesn't however appear to be upset or overly fussed about what happened.

This may not be how your son really feels, please don't let this go based on what your son has said, he is still a child.

My son irritates him at times

Unfortunately this is going beyond irritation. The fact that your son was ridiculed for wearing a wetsuit and your daughter wasn't shows this is a deep-seated issue with your H, and in my experience an aversion like this can't be talked out. It goes too deep.

I feel sorry for your son he sounds like a great lad.

I also feel sorry for your husband because in a couple of years time he may well be getting his lights punched out when your sons had enough.

He did you marry a man that treats your son like that?

*How

I genuinely don’t understand how you’ve managed to be in a 5+ year relationship with someone who treats your child like that.

I was looking at my little boy tonight and thinking about your post. My mum used to let my dad get away with treating me like utter shit, whislt favouring my little brother. I guess that's why I feel so harsh about anyone else treating my children like they're shit under their shoe - because that is what your dh is doing, but time and time and time again and no one is stopping him. They say that when children stop showing emotion about something its because they've become used to it.

I hate the bullying that is happpening here. People can really dish it out, can't they? They can be a rude as they like with strangers.

HOWEVER, and I am now speaking from experience, bitter, bitter experience, that you are your son's front line. No matter what your son says, it is your role to protect him and PUT HIM FIRST. If you don't, you will regret it bitterly. You will have years and years of regret. Imagine the future relationship with him when you haven't put him first. You will never know whether the relationship could have been better had you done the right thing. Please, from one who has been there, and didn't do the right thing.....

I hate the bullying that is happpening here. People can really dish it out, can't they? They can be a rude as they like with strangers.

Indeed. The irony of internet bullies labelling her dh a bully... Maybe some people should take a look in the mirror.

You are in so much denial and minimising everything here.

Your DH is a bully who has targeted and is emotionally abusing your DS in his own home. Your poor boy is already at emotional disadvantage as his family broke down when he was very you. This leaves him v vulnerable but instead of the extra soothing and care he needed he has been exposed to this thug.

Bullying behaviour is defined as anything less that being polite and kind.

He is eroding your little boys self esteem, confidence and spirit 24/7. The fact that he started on him the moment he saw him after 6 days away shows the festering contempt he has stewing away inside for your DS.

Then where the fuck can you go with someone like your DH when he goes on to justify his behaviour when you call him on it? None of us are perfect parents - we all lose it now and again. But we say sorry and the gaps in between blow up times
are filled with love, respect, kindness and encouragement.

If this is how your DH treats your DS and justifies it in front of you - imagine what it’s like out of your sight line. It must be like emotional Siberia for your DS - sneeringly ice cold and brutal - terrified to put a foot out of line.

I read your last post (11.20) as you seeing a way out by offloading him of to your xH.

Your DH sounds vile:

• a cheater,
• alienated from is own daughter for nearly a decade,
• acrimonious divorce (he set that tone no doubt)
• bully’s little boys
• bully’s the mother when called out
• unable to apologise
• odd RS with step daughter

He’s the common denominator here

• what a track record. Nasty bit of work.

What are you going to do about it.

My father ripped our little family apart in favouring me and scapegoating my sister. It was deeply cruel and very negatively affected all of our relationships for many years to come. It took 20 years for my sister and me to rebuild our relationship. Our father was never forgiven by either of us.

Important point - having favourites damages the more-favoured child, as well as the less-favoured one. Your DD may seem to be lapping up the attention but I bet it's not as simple as that. She has seen how nasty your DH is to her brother. She will feel
forced to play her role, and to avoid your DH's disapproval.

Your DH is emotionally mistreating both your kids, not just your DS.

This man is manipulating the whole family.

Your son will be internalizing the abuse and his status as less than. This will have far-reaching consequences in his life.

You can intervene until you are blue in the face, but he is not going to stop tormenting your child. I shudder to think what happens when you aren’t around.

You need to safeguard your son and get rid of this brute.