Called the police

[FGTV]

DH gets angry when we don’t have enough sex. We have had many, many arguments about this where I get told “I need to change” and “if I loved him I would want to have sex with him”. I get accused of cheating on him and called a slag, with him bringing up previous partners before we met.
(We do have sex regularly but if it goes more than 4-5 days or I am on my period and don’t pleasure him then he gets angry because he says he’s sexually frustrated)

These arguments are usually him ranting at me at night, where he will switch on all the lights and not let me sleep. He has also previously hidden my car keys so I won’t be able to go to work, only giving them back when I apologise and ultimately have sex with him.

Last night it happened again and he was becoming really threatening, saying he’d set an alarm for 1 hour and if I hadn’t changed then there would be consequences. He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance. He was really agitated and his behaviour was worse than I’d ever seen and I got scared and ran out of the house and locked myself in my car and called 999.

He came out to the car and had completely changed, saying he didn’t understand why I was so upset, I knew he would never hurt me, I’ve misunderstood, he’s gutted I called the police, why can’t we talk, etc.

When the police arrived, he was calm and polite. They spoke to me in another room and I told them what happened and they said if I was scared again then to call them straight back and then they left.

Since then it’s all completely normal, he is being Mr nice, keeps saying how he loves me and he’s going to try to speak to someone to sort out his anger and wants us to go to marriage counselling.

I don’t even know where to go from here, will this even get any better? or be like all the other times when it’s fine for a few weeks then back to him ranting at me again. Maybe this is the wake up call?

No one else knows as it’s just too humiliating to admit that i called the police on my own husband, also beginning to question whether it was actually as bad as I thought and maybe I overreacted?

@OneNewName He said if you don't give me sex within an hour there will be consequences, call anyone you love. (!) The implication that he might murder her if he doesn't get his rape. Sex under threat of death is definitely not consensual, nor threat of financial penalties (stopping OP going to work) etc. Nor is sex under any extent of duress truly consensual, doing it to stop or avoid someone being moody with you etc.

So sorry you've lived with this for so long, he is not entitled to sex, this is not normal behaviour for a loving husband. You have just said you can't check this thread because he's coming home, that should tell you everything you need to know, you're scared of his reaction when he finds out. He threatened to kill you last night, you called the police and rightly so, now he is being nice but as others have said that's all part of the cycle of abuse. He isn't sorry, I recommend reading 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, it will help you answer that question and understand it not your fault, he dosen't have anger management problems, he chooses to abuse you. Please confide in women's aid if you're not ready to tell a friend.

This is fucking terrifying.

Op, he really sounds like the sort of man who thinks he owns his partner .. they can be dangerous.

Please contact women's aid and talk to someone you think would be supportive in real life.

@GilbertMarkham
He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance.

@GilbertMarkham yes you've missed something, he also told her to phone anyone she loved... as in you won't be able to after their consequences, so you're right maybe he was just threatening to severely disabled her... let's just help the abuser by minimising just how horrible that threat is!

Phone Women's Aid and get a plan together for leaving or an injunction to get him out of the house. You may qualify for legal aid.

Three children are hearing and seeing all this.

He may be being nice now and making you feel safe; but believe me he is just messing with your head. There will be more of the same to come and you need to plan your exit. His behaviour is grossly abnormal.

call anyone you love

Ah, missed that part .. well then it is an implied threat of death.

He likes playing big man at home eh. Watched too many action/gangster movies. Pathetic.

I don't know if it's talk, bit I wouldn't be hanging around to see if it is op.

Whether he would be or not, his behaviour to date is crazy, abusive and extremely unlikely to stop.

This is truly horrific OP.
I honestly hope you get some help, I really do. Please seek help as soon as you can.

OP, did you tell the police this?

He told me to text anyone I love while I’ve still got the chance.

Because that's surely a direct threat and I'm surprised they didn't arrest him.

Sara and lockdown .. cross posted.

Yes, Ive seen i missed that.

@serenada absolutely, in these grounds he should have been arrested

My opinion would have been the same regardless of whether he made that threat or not .... That he's deranged - no matter how he looks on the surface - and the only thing to do is get out.

He is not sorry. He is sorry you called the police. He is sorry his threats didn't work. He is sorry he didn't get his own way.

He cares more about his dick than your life.

Get out. However you can.
Obviously it wont be easy. Seek whatever help you can. Friends, family, womens aid. Anything. This is not a safe person to be around.

He will do it again.

I’m sorry this is chilling. I can’t believe he still asked for sex. As others have said, the performance with the police just shows how he is able to turn his anger on and off. You need to leave. It will feel impossible right now. You have already articulated that your feel shame over calling the police. You should not, it is his shame not yours. Can you not talk to anyone? Friends or family? It is much better to reach out and articulate your fears than burying them and pretending know if this happened. Far too many women know this pattern of behaviour only goes one way, much much worse. He is the one who needs to leave not you. I’m so sorry this happened to you and hope you can reach out to someone.

He’s normal after because your back in your box and you know to comply.

I could have written your post 15 years ago. I am so sorry op. He’s repeatedly raping you, he is using coercive control.
Please tell the police everything.

so you're right maybe he was just threatening to severely disabled her... let's just help the abuser by minimising just how horrible that threat is!

If you read anyone of my posts itt you'll.see I minimised nothing and advised op he will never change, that's he's unhinged a d the only thing to do is get out.

And I was not minimising what he said. Merely pointing out that I've seen posters get caught up in hyperbole and therefore undermine their advice to the ok who thinks "well they're exaggerating and I already feel like I've overeacted and shouldn't have posted here so".

Sometimes a poster says something/gets something wrong but other posters don't realise and repeat it .. that had not happened here but I've seen it happen in many other threads. It's important for the op in ant thread to feel.like people are being accurate and not caught up in hyperbole to take their advice seriously; that was my point.

Sorry to read this.
This will only get worse. He is an abuser. With 3 kids I'm assuming they are in the house whilst this is going on, they can hear what's being said. You think they won't but they will. Get out. Do you want them thinking this is normal behaviour.
Call women's aid.
Look up the freedom programme.
He is being nice now, Mr Charming, wait for the switch again.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Op this is the online readable version of "why does he do that" .

It is primarily about physical abuse do you may think it doesn't apply to you but it covers all types of abuse very well.

Of you want yo get into it fast, you could skip to "myths about abusers" and then to the abuser profiles.

Oh my, you absolutely did the right thing. Please call the police every time this happens. Do not give in to his demands. If he hides your keys and make you late for work then call them in front of him and explain that your husband is being abusive and has hidden your car keys. Realistically though, you need to go with your children into a refuge. Pack your important documents like bank books, passport, birth certificate and transfer your from joint accounts into your own account. Pack a suitcase and leave it in the boot of your car. Just go. This is not the life you deserve. You deserve better than this. Your children do not deserve to see/hear his abusive talk either. Sending you hugs.

The children were all fast asleep in bed when this was going on, he wouldn't do it in front of them.
He didn't actually threaten to kill me.
He said there would be consequences if I didn't change.
I asked him to clarify what he meant by that and he said I would find out. This was going on for over an hour so I'm not sure of everything that was said or which order.
At some point he told me to text the people I loved while I still had a chance.
He also said if I didn't love him to fuck off out his house and that he would fuck people up.
He said he would drag me into his car and take me to my parents house.
When I asked what he was hoping to achieve by saying all this, he said I needed to change.

He then started getting all weird and asking me whether it was more important to protect his family or stand by his word even if it meant the people he loved got hurt. That was the point I got scared so I started getting my dressing gown on and put my phone in the pocket and said I was going downstairs to for a minute to get a drink. He was shouting after me to come back, that I was going to make things far worse for me and I panicked that he was coming after me so I ran straight out of the house with no shoes on and got in my car.

Afterwards when he was rational he apologised for scaring me, he denies saying about texting people while I've got the chance and that I know he would never hurt me.
He said he's gutted that it came to me ringing the police.
I asked him how I was supposed to react and that he was scaring me with what he was saying. He reckons I should've told him I was scared or said I was going to leave the house because I was scared and he would have stopped. I said that was an unrealistic thing to say and that if he didn't want me to call the police he shouldn't have been acting like that.

He was also really irritated that I moved my car to the front of the house (so that it was facing forward and could drive off quickly if I needed to) because he said that the police would need to park in front of the neighbours house and they would see them.
Today he has been trying to think up excuses to tell the neighbours in case they ask why the police were here so we can agree a story. I said I'm not lying to them, I very much doubt that will even ask as it was 3am. But I will say don't know and leave it at that.
The neighbours all think he is great and funny and we have a fantastic relationship.

Leave now. If you have family or friends, take your kids, and go. If you can't get out tonight, pack a small bag while he's asleep (passports, bank cards, birth certificates etc) and leave in the morning.

Leave and then call any agency you can for help:

www.refuge.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/domestic_abuse

Please, don't wait until it's too late for you to escape.

Your situation is chilling and I can see your scared. But you are also minimising the danger you are in. And please don’t delude yourself - your children will be aware of the shouting, aware of the negative tension in the house and the fact the were strangers in the house last night.

My parents went through a period of arguing (I must have been about 7-8) - they’re arguing woke me up and I was so scared.
If you can’t leave for you - leave for them. Don’t let the fact he earns more than you etc get in your way

At some point he told me to text the people I loved while I still had a chance.

Well personally I'd take that as a threat to kill or seriously hurt you.

He also said if I didn't love him to fuck off out his house and that he would fuck people up.

That also sounds like a threat to hurt people (who?) physically.

he denies saying about texting people while I've got the chance..

So he's lying/gas lighting on top of everything else.